My Mom

[Guest Ryles_D]

My mom and I haven't had a good relationship for as long as I can remember. She's always made me feel like an intrusion in her life and a guest in her house, and even if she's never outright stated it she's always made me feel like I was the cause of all the bad in her life. When she tries to help, she only sets me up to fail (she convinced my Driver's Ed teacher I'd been driving for years, when in reality I'd gotten behind the wheel twice in parking lots, so he was too hard on me and I now can't get behind the wheel without having a panic attack). A lot of the traumas in my life are either directly or indirectly because of her, even if she didn't know what she was doing.

And me coming out to her didn't help. For almost 2 years she's ignored it at best. She stole $1,500 from my bank account so I couldn't transition, refuses to listen to me, misgenders me constantly, and never listens when I try to explain what I'm going through. Once she gave me this giant list of demands that I had to do, I replied by asking that she try to not call me a girl- I wasn't even asking for her to call me a boy, just to not gender me as female- and she acted as though I was completely out of line and ignored it.

Just thinking about my mom makes me feel awful about myself. Normally I'm fine iwth not starting T until after surgery because tat's a bigger issue and T would just be an unnecessary expense, but whenever I'm around her I feel like I need to get on it. I don't know if showing up with a baritone and beard would do anything, but it would certainly make it so se couldn't ignore it any more.

I feel like scum, because she is my mom, but I need her out of my life. I can't stand being around her, and I don't know how to fix that. I can't think of a way to get her to listen about transgenderism, she ignores everything she doesn't want to hear, and even if I could I don't know if that would help because of everything she's done, and I couldn't even believe that she's sincere in her attempts.

I don't want to shut her out because I know that she does try, but it doesn't mean much when I get sick just being around her.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Hi Ryles,

I do not know how old you are, but you sound like your probably in your late teens or early twenties.

The time is coming very soon that you will be on your own and away from your mother.

In time, you and your mother will form a deeper friendship.

Brenda

[Guest sarah f]

Ryles listen to what Brenda is saying. It sounds like you only have a little more time and then you can get out of the house and do what you need to do to be happy. I think your mom doens't want to listen because she is afraid of one or two things. One being she will lose her daughter or she might be afraid of what people will say about you and maybe even her as a mom. It is hard to get people to understand out feelings but she is your mom and hopefully someday will understand you and love you for the son she now has. Stick it out and you will get there.

Love,

Sarah F

[Guest Ryles_D]

I'm already out of the house and have been since June, but my dad insists that I see her. He wants me to see her once a week, but I can't stomach doing that.

[Sally]

Ryles, Sweetheart, I get this so well.

I am 58 but my parents and I live in the same town - neither one drives anymore so I get called to chauffeur - I am about to leave home now to do some more of that - my mother knows - my dad isn't interested unless it is on his TV.

She will not talk about it because she KNOWS that I am wrong - she KNOWS what I think and feel.

It must be horrible to know everything - she doesn't ever seem happy anymore and takes every opportunity to remind me of things from my past that she thought I enjoyed when in reality I tolerated them and smiled to make them happy - when is it my turn - do I wait for them to die or do I just say, "Sally will be driving you from now on - you don't have to ride with her if you don't want to."

Hard choices when you are trying not to hurt someone.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Ryles_D]

Thanks, Sally. It's always nice to hear that other people have to deal with the same kind of parent. And it does figure that parents are one part of your life that definitely don't get easier to deal with as you get older. :/

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Ryles

I can't answer because both my parents are deceased. But nature abhors a vacuum! My sisters are like that - plus they are fundamentalist Christians! They say they love me but the next breath say I am going to HELL.

Of course you mother is more important than sisters! And I hear your ambivilance - you hate her and you know you could love her so much if she would only relent the tiniest bit, and help you when you need it!

BUT

People get weirded out in their own life - have their own issues - forget how to love.

Try to work around all this. TRY anyway. When it's all over and you are at the pearly gates of heaven - or when you sit at the door to the roaring furnace in hell - it will be HER saying "I was so blind, so selfish, so stupid..." not YOU!

Be yourself - that's all you can do. What you are is perfectly FINE!

Lizzy

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

I really wish I could come fully out to my Mum but its a concious choice I have made considering my mother's health and other issues. Yes it does hurt when she used the old male pronouns to me but what am I to do. To stop it I have to do the one thing that I have decided not to do. But on the upside I now have all of the kids on board, as well as my brother and his partner.