Having Difficulty

[Guest Philola]

Hi. I am a 21 year old male, and I have always thought I was a boy, but funny thing is all my life I have wanted to be more of a girl. So I would do little things, like keep my hair grow long, paint my nails, where certain girl clothes. But my issue resides when I feel like gettin caught doing it. I would loive to talk to other people who have felt that when they want to experience the female life, and feel so ashamed, they get rid of all feminine things, and stop doing what they were doing. In my personal relationships, they all are fellow males, and when I dtry to describe what its like. I get broken up. They typically dont understand I think. I love my male anatomy, I wouldn not want to be female. Especially as of right now, but wearing female clothes, and makeup, and keep my hair long has always been my thing, but for some reason I cant get over the fact, in my head that I feel like I was born a male, why would I want to do these things, and when I do I feel comfort, but when I feel threatened, or hurt, or ashamed. i take it all off, and rip up what I can, and cry, and move on, but when I feeel the need to do so I do it, feel great, and mostly natural, but I get caught, or told thats not normal, by anyone, not my family, but not anyone, and then I take it all off, and throw it away. Ok thats alot to take in, but thank you for listening, and let me know waht you think.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Hi Philola

Welcome dearheart. Welcome to Laura's.

Hon, I have to rush off to a meeting, but when I return, I will address your questions.

HUGS

Brenda

[Guest Donna Jean]

Hello, Sweetheart!

Welcome to the Playground...

First let me welcome you with some nice hot coco and a plate of Sally's cookies...

hen I need to ask you to be sure to read the forum rules..link at the top of most pages..

We're moderated to keep it all safe!

Now...

Please don't be too quick to put labels onto yourself...

Gender is such a wide spectrum and to try to place oneself in any catagory is best left up to the professionals ...

That's why I'd recomend seeing a gender therapist if you're not already...

After all, the purging part sounds like its part of cross dressing while wanting to remain male, yet present in a more femal manner is interesting...

Maybe some of the Androgynes will join in and give you a better idea, but, remember...you can go to what ever place on the gender scale that you want as long as it makes you comfortable...You need not go any further....OK?

Honey....It's really good to have you here...

Relax and enjoy!

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Guest Philola]

Hello, Sweetheart!

Welcome to the Playground...

First let me welcome you with some nice hot coco and a plate of Sally's cookies...

hen I need to ask you to be sure to read the forum rules..link at the top of most pages..

We're moderated to keep it all safe!

Now...

Please don't be too quick to put labels onto yourself...

Gender is such a wide spectrum and to try to place oneself in any catagory is best left up to the professionals ...

That's why I'd recomend seeing a gender therapist if you're not already...

After all, the purging part sounds like its part of cross dressing while wanting to remain male, yet present in a more femal manner is interesting...

Maybe some of the Androgynes will join in and give you a better idea, but, remember...you can go to what ever place on the gender scale that you want as long as it makes you comfortable...You need not go any further....OK?

Honey....It's really good to have you here...

Relax and enjoy!

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

Well thanks for greeting me Donna Jean. I have read the rules, trust me you need moderation for these things, people can get too heated, and too harsh. I also will try to keep all the problems and things as G-PG as rated. Well hopefully more androgyne will join. I really want too clear some things up. I do want to remain male, but I have always had difficulties with the gender. My life has always been a question, and at times it gets interesting. I trust your opinion, so thanks I believe Psycology plays a part. I have talked to some who say maybe cross dressing is my thing, but honestly its more than clothes its my manner of mind, and thoughts. Its basically at time like two perticular people boy and girl at the same time. Some people may not get it, but thats why I wanted to know other peoples thoughts. I repect the oppinion of other people, even if I dont agree. I dont want to break the rules, and on a lighter note. I really do need to relax. lol Huggs back!

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I think your posting of how you feel was fine. You gave a good representation of what goes on in your mind. I think its safe to say you are gender dysphoric - but as to the more specific type - we aren't trained to know. A gender dysporiia trained therapist is best - and the are not what you think - they will probably end up as your best friend if they are good at their job!

I see others like you here - one whom was a dear friend and I wish she was still on Laura's - but she has moved on.

Generally - we understand instantly what you say. I suggest you look around in all the forum subcatagories - and post where you have comments- questions - or even advice. After 5 poasts you can private message (PM we call it) and by that time you might find some people you can ask more intimate questions. Please stay with us - and tell how things are progressing?

Lizzy

[Guest Philola]

I think your posting of how you feel was fine. You gave a good representation of what goes on in your mind. I think its safe to say you are gender dysphoric - but as to the more specific type - we aren't trained to know. A gender dysporiia trained therapist is best - and the are not what you think - they will probably end up as your best friend if they are good at their job!

I see others like you here - one whom was a dear friend and I wish she was still on Laura's - but she has moved on.

Generally - we understand instantly what you say. I suggest you look around in all the forum subcatagories - and post where you have comments- questions - or even advice. After 5 poasts you can private message (PM we call it) and by that time you might find some people you can ask more intimate questions. Please stay with us - and tell how things are progressing?

Lizzy

Nice to meet you Lizzy. I have heard the term Gender Dysphoric tossed around from all diferent sources. Thanks for letting me know your thoughts. Yeah I am talking to my basic therapist about it, and I will keep osting to what I think will be helpful I dont have much insight as of yet, but the more I learn the more I can understand, and pass on to more that have similar questions, concerns, or thoughts. I will keep you posted when needed. I mean its more thinking and more hard times, but it will get better as more people talk about it. I am kinda thourogh, lol and yeah talk again ~PhilLola

[Guest]

Well hopefully more androgyne will join. I really want too clear some things up. I do want to remain male, but I have always had difficulties with the gender. My life has always been a question, and at times it gets interesting. I trust your opinion, so thanks I believe Psycology plays a part. I have talked to some who say maybe cross dressing is my thing, but honestly its more than clothes its my manner of mind, and thoughts. Its basically at time like two perticular people boy and girl at the same time. Some people may not get it, but thats why I wanted to know other peoples thoughts. I repect the oppinion of other people, even if I dont agree. I dont want to break the rules, and on a lighter note. I really do need to relax. lol Huggs back!

Hello Philola,

My situation is much the same as yours - not so unhappy with my male body, but have a whole feminine side that's supressed because I present male.

I have found comfort in cross-dressing. For me, it's not about dressing or appearance, (although I really love the variety of women's clothes) it's about being able to express the sensitive side of myself, and to have a glimpse of the feeling of womanhood. This just doesn't work when your presentation is male.

The good thing is that I no longer feel conflicted by this. The angels of Laura's have been a wonderful help in resolving my difficulties. If you hang with us here, I believe you'll find that your conflicts are lessened too.

Love, Kat

[Guest Philola]

Hello Philola,

My situation is much the same as yours - not so unhappy with my male body, but have a whole feminine side that's supressed because I present male.

I have found comfort in cross-dressing. For me, it's not about dressing or appearance, (although I really love the variety of women's clothes) it's about being able to express the sensitive side of myself, and to have a glimpse of the feeling of womanhood. This just doesn't work when your presentation is male.

The good thing is that I no longer feel conflicted by this. The angels of Laura's have been a wonderful help in resolving my difficulties. If you hang with us here, I believe you'll find that your conflicts are lessened too.

Love, Kat

Thanks Kat for your information. I do see similarities in our situations. I feel the babysteps are what matters right now. I know tons about womens clothing, and My best friends who are all women are helping me find some clothes that are feminine, but not like my mothers attire. Thats waht some of my issue would lie. I would want to basically do little details especialy now, and I do enjoy my male body, but do have issues with my male thougths, because most my thoughts tend to be feminine in nature. One thing I take in to consideration is going over the top. I never want to go over and beyond what I feel comfortable in. LOL So yeah thats more insight..

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Hi again Philola

I am glad to see that you have received a lot of really good advice. Hon, as DJ said, what you are experiencing is the classic crossdressing then purge cycle. This is very normal for those still in the ambivalent stage. Hon, I want you to understand that there is nothing wrong with you. It is OK to be satisfied with your birth gender and express yourself occasionally in the other gender (female in your case).

I can see that you are questioning and exploring. That is very good.

You may want to consider taking a gender identity test such as the COGIATI to get an idea of where you fall in the gender identity spectrum. Although not scientific, it can give you some insight into yourself.

The main thing hon, is for you to fell comfortable with yourself. To help you get there, I want you to understand that you are not doing anything wrong by crossdressing. Embrace crossdressing along with yourself, and know that this is all part of who you are, and you are fine

Love

Brenda

[Guest Cazz333]

Well thanks for greeting me Donna Jean. I have read the rules, trust me you need moderation for these things, people can get too heated, and too harsh. I also will try to keep all the problems and things as G-PG as rated. Well hopefully more androgyne will join. I really want too clear some things up. I do want to remain male, but I have always had difficulties with the gender. My life has always been a question, and at times it gets interesting. I trust your opinion, so thanks I believe Psycology plays a part. I have talked to some who say maybe cross dressing is my thing, but honestly its more than clothes its my manner of mind, and thoughts. Its basically at time like two perticular people boy and girl at the same time. Some people may not get it, but thats why I wanted to know other peoples thoughts. I repect the oppinion of other people, even if I dont agree. I dont want to break the rules, and on a lighter note. I really do need to relax. lol Huggs back!

Pretty much like except in the opposite direction. I wonder how you handle you're two people.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I don't 'buy in' to labels.

A therapist can sort everything out - and they should be the gender dysporia trained kind.

BUT

Feeling both a boy and a girl at the same time is a symptom, not a definition.

What you are is perfectly fine - you are like many of us here in you disagree with the conventional world that everything is black or white, that only two genders exist!

The world is not binary sexual! There is everything inbetween, with both male and female, with neither, with something different... and so on.

So you are in the right place to discover more about yourself.

Good luck on your journey

Lizzy

[Guest v4leri3]

Philola,

I've experienced many of the feelings you described regarding gender. The discomfort that I had with myself mostly went away after I moved to Seattle- there's more diversity in large cities, and people aren't as confined by cultural and gender norms. I can't overstate how important a supportive environment is to one's self-esteem.

Hope that helps,

Val