Not Being Noticed

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I have been at this for about a year and one-half and I have a question about 'passing!"

When does that word go away?

I live full time now - except at work, or so I write all the time. I once thought the "RLT" was the real life test - which I suppose it is - or something meant to 'force' we transgender to live the life of our 'target gender.' I suspect the idea is to make anyone who wants to transition learn how to survive as that gender they so aspire to be!

I now say - BOGUS

It's a poor understanding of gender dysphoria and transsexuality to say we are 'changing gender" - its just a description of convenience for the medical and mental health services.

Thats my opinion.

I am NOT changing my gender, I am staying exactly like I have been my entire life, I a really remodeling the body to be better seen as I really am. True - there are some really drastic and irreversalable steps in doing that, but technically its the modification of my primary sexual characteristics (genitelia and associated parts - the SRS) and and a reworking of my secondary sexual characteristics (breast development, lack of a beard, less body hair, female fat distribution - mainly by the use of HRT - though it can be somewhat accomplished by FFS and other surgeries.)

SOOOO - Passing? I prefer the term 'seen as what we really are.' I can be seen as a male or a female while presenting either way. I feel I am passing if my 'intent' is successful. I have to be seen as male at my work, I really don't do much but change my attitude and act male. It works fine. True, my hair is in a pony tail and my earings are not in. I don't wear lipstick and I leave my purse in the car.

BUT

Presenting male - and I decide to go to McD for lunch - same me - same presentatipn - I switch to a female attiude and ACT FEMALE. I GET MA'AMED.

And of course - full time female - earrings, hair, make-up, purse all that. BUT a female attitude - and acting female! Thats when people see me as I really am. They usually just look past me. That's what I want. To blend in.

If I panic and act male or assume a male attitude while presenting female? "READ ON THE SPOT"

So it's attitude? I don't use the word "passing" anymore.

Just me - I think this is part of where all of us are going. Blending back in after transitioning.

Anyone have any comments?

Lizzy

[Guest Donna Jean]

Just me - I think this is part of where all of us are going. Blending back in after transitioning.

Anyone have any comments?

Lizzy

Yeah, I do.......

Passing....That word that I held up all through this time in my life ....that thing ...like the Holy Grail...the thing to aspire to.....

It's not how I really feel anymore.....

My new keyword is to "Blend".....I want to blend in with society..with other women....

Not to be "passing" as if I'm fooling someone...

I just want to be here...to do the things that I need to do every day as myself....

If I wanted to milk this I'd go on Jerry Springer...

I'm starting to blend pretty well....I'm ignored...not stared at.....left to my own...

And that's exactly what I want.

Just my thoughts, Lizzy.....

HUGGS! & LOVE

Donna Jean

[Guest CharlieRose]

I stopped caring about passing a long time ago. It's always been that some people read me as male, some as female. Now that I'm fulltime, if someone calls me female, I correct them, but otherwise I don't care about it. There are some people who see me as male, so whoever doesn't, it must be part of their shortcomings, not mine. I probably am pretty noticeable, even if I am passable, since I'm short, have a funny voice and am pretty feminine. But I dunno, I really just stopped thinking about how I appear to other people. I do what I want, I dress how I like, I wear my hair the way I like, and whatever comes out of it is me.

[Guest Cris]

I think most use the word passing as the ability to be accepted as the gender they are presenting. I think blend is a better word. I have been striving for this for about a year now myself. Some days I do a better job than others. Some days it seems as it doesnt matter how I present. In reality I wish people would accept a person as a human being and be treated with dignity and respect. Not based on anything else.

Then it wouldn't matter if I blended or passed or just stood out in the crowd. I am just being me.

[Guest ChloëC]

Well, I would guess it's taken from the racial definition from probably where people first used it. To pass as a member of a different race or ethnic background. Put 'passing' in Yahoo search and the racial aspect comes up first, then a broader set of definitions including gender.

It's like somebody making a food dish and asking if it's passable as to what people are expecting. Or - did I pass the entrance exam, my physical, the course. No grades, just pass or fail. Nowadays, it sometimes becomes akin to getting a D-. Well, you passed!

The problem as I see it is when a word starts getting overused, and then falls into the vernacular as a term used by both adherants and those opposed, at which time it begins to sound a little derogotry. And then those 'in' become dissatisified with it, and voila, it's a 'banned' word.

Like any other 'label'.

'Blend'? 'Pass'? eh. I'm sort of with Lizzy. 'Be'! 'Are'! 'Am'! Make those a label that others try to disparage. See?

Chloë

[Sally]

Well what do you know, my goal as a woman is to be as much of the wallpaper as I was as a man?

That ought to be easy enough - stealth has a whole different meaning when you are invisible to begin with.

6' 4" over 320 pounds and people walk into me on the street because they didn't see me - I don't rally exist just one of those marginal people like crew members on Star Trek.

So that explains why I 'pass' so well - no one notices me at all.

Great, finally my one true talent comes in handy - being a nobody.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest AshleyRF]

Passing isn't something I think of much anymore when out and about. How people see me and what kind of woman people see me as is what concerns me now. As long as I'm seen as a relatively attractive woman, I'm happy but I worry about that all the time. I know people just see a woman when they look at me, but do they think I'm an ugly woman or an attractive woman? How do you know how others view you?

[Guest ~Brenda~]

We are not changing gender. We are working on being accepted as our gender. We are transitioning.

Passing means spontaneous acceptance as our true gender. Passing is the term used when we are still anxious about being accepted. When we feel that we "passed" we feel great and have some degree of confirmation.

When one passes so well and consistently, one is ignored. Passing perfectly, does mean that one will be immediately accepted and consequently ignored (as nothing special, nothing unusual).

Blending? Blending, like passing has the connotation of getting away with something you are not entitled to having.... blind and total acceptance.

You may find it a thrill to be ma'amed (or to be sir'ed as FTM), but the day will come when being referred to as your true gender is so common place that there is no more excitement of the reference.

When that day has arrived, and you are totally accepted as your gender without question. You have reached your bittersweet stage of the everyday.

You have fully transitioned.

[Guest AshleyRF]

When that day has arrived, and you are totally accepted as your gender without question. You have reached your bittersweet stage of the everyday.

You have fully transitioned.

What if that day has arrived and it's not enough for you?

[Guest ~Brenda~]

What if that day has arrived and it's not enough for you?

What do you mean hon?

Sorry, I am confused. What are you seeking? Adulation?

Brenda

[Guest viv]

I guess there are not too many words we actually have to use to describe that

part of our Transition . Pass/Blend (in) are what we in the community ,I believe,

came up with so ,,well,,if it aint broken ?? just my coupla cents worth, luv.viv

[Guest AshleyRF]

What do you mean hon?

Sorry, I am confused. What are you seeking? Adulation?

Brenda

When you have reached that point and are happy with the fact that people see you that way, yet you are still not happy with yourself. What do you do then?

[Guest Penelope]

Well what do you know, my goal as a woman is to be as much of the wallpaper as I was as a man?

That ought to be easy enough - stealth has a whole different meaning when you are invisible to begin with.

6' 4" over 320 pounds and people walk into me on the street because they didn't see me - I don't rally exist just one of those marginal people like crew members on Star Trek.

So that explains why I 'pass' so well - no one notices me at all.

Great, finally my one true talent comes in handy - being a nobody.

Love ya,

Sally

Sally, you remind me of 'Mr Cellophane' from 'Chicago'. (I think John C. Reilly sang it really well in the film.)

That makes me feel a bit sad.

Do have a hug.

Penelope

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I seriously doubt I will lose all the thrill because I have had the heartbreak so long! My friend Veronica who is 4 years postop, says she always is accepted just as she is. She said she envied my exitement on being ma'amed the first times and such..

But she also tells me the idea of being what you are is so affirming and self-satifying she will never get over it. She says we continue to transition the rest of our lives.

That's where I am going - to live a satifying life! To enjoy what women enjoy, a new blouse, a pretty flower - a day that is just... right!

Last night I went to my therapist - not particulary presenting, but certainly not in male mode. Afterward I went to Taco Bell - ordered and decided to eat in. I have done that before - and there is no problem.

Again - people looked right past me - just another face in the crowd. I smiled at one women when I was leaving and she was coming in. She smiled back - we women do that.

Lizzy

[Guest ~Brenda~]

When you have reached that point and are happy with the fact that people see you that way, yet you are still not happy with yourself. What do you do then?

Dearheart,

I would confront myself, and ask why am I not happy with myself.

Life is way too short, not to be happy with yourself.

What seems to be missing for you hon?

To me, you are beautiful, intelligent, and caring. If I am not mistaken, you have a special someone in your life too. From where I sit, you have everything going for you.

Try to see what is so wonderful about you Ash

I can see it.

Love

Brenda

[Guest AshleyRF]

Dearheart,

I would confront myself, and ask why am I not happy with myself.

Life is way too short, not to be happy with yourself.

What seems to be missing for you hon?

To me, you are beautiful, intelligent, and caring. If I am not mistaken, you have a special someone in your life too. From where I sit, you have everything going for you.

Try to see what is so wonderful about you Ash

I can see it.

Love

Brenda

I'm happy with all the external parts of my life. I love the people in my life. My wife is wonderful, I have wonderful friends, all of which, I do not deserve. It's me that I'm unhappy with. I don't like anything about myself from the person I am to how I look. I think the people in my life who do care about me would be far better off if I never existed.

I come here and I'm so happy to read all of the stories people post about how happy they are with their lives and how they love their new life since transition/hrt/srs and how happy they are with themselves now that they are living the life they always wanted to live and I honestly wonder why it doesn't excite me that I've done the same things with the exception of SRS. All I can see in the mirror are my flaws and all I can think about is what can I do to get those flaws fixed. I want to do anything from surgery to corset training to extreme dieting/exercising to rid myself of my flaws and to make myself more like a normal woman because I just want to feel like a normal woman.

[Paula ult]

Lizzy sweety,

When i tell people i am transitioning i like to have a little fun with it, i start out saying all i am going is a little remodeling on the outside, i am adding a couple bay windows, a new roof and a fresh coat of paint on the exterior, the interior is still the same except i am happier, i usually get a chuckle out of it.

The real objective of the RLT/RLE/full time for at least a year is to see if the person can function 24/7 in their chosen gender, it should not be forced on anyone, you do it when you feel you are ready.

My therapist said i have been full time since May 2009, i feel i was officially full time in November 2009 after my name change and i was out at work, but who am i to argue, it seems i was always one step ahead of my therapist every step of the way, i was living full time since May except my voice on the phone for work. I slipped from being K___ to Paula with so little effort i do not remember when it actually happened.

Passing,

I give it a fleeting thought from time to time as i do not think i pass very well, but everyone says i do and i never get strange looks so i must, my partner gets really mad at me when i talk about it, but it is because i am my own worst critic, normal every day life i try to blend in, and as far as i am concerned i am just another woman doing her shopping or whatever else i might be doing, confidence is the key and a smile on your face, if you look like you belong somewhere nobody will pay you any mind.

Paula

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Dearest Ash

You look in the mirror and the mirror mocks you. I know that feeling. What I do is to realize that I am expressing myself as myself in virtually all contexts of my life. I gladly accept that many people assume that I am gay because it allows me so much lattitude to express myself without question.

Flaws? Hon, I'm 49, how flawed to you think I am? At 49, I know that I am never going to be considered beautiful. I settle for passing when I can.

Regardless of how beautiful you are, you will always find something wrong with you. My ex wife used to be a model, although I thought she looked perfect, she was constantly looking at herself in the mirror saying that she was too fat and her legs were ugly (well compared to mine, they were, but don't tell her that).

All I am trying to say is relax, and just accept yourself they way that you are

Don't torture yourself to ideals that are not realistic.

Know this simple truth.... you are lovely.

Love

Brenda

[Sally]

I give it a fleeting thought from time to time as i do not think i pass very well, but everyone says i do and i never get strange looks so i must, my partner gets really mad at me when i talk about it, but it is because i am my own worst critic, normal every day life i try to blend in, and as far as i am concerned i am just another woman doing her shopping or whatever else i might be doing, confidence is the key and a smile on your face, if you look like you belong somewhere nobody will pay you any mind.

Paula has hit the nail on the head with the hammer on this one.

I can tell you that I blend in everywhere - as male or female - I go in with an attitude that I belong there and I am excepted.

Sounds easy - it is.

My band was playing a wedding reception at the Officer's Club on a local Air Base, we were given a paper to fill out for back ground checks and ID numbers and told that we would just need to show a photo ID at the gate when we told them that we were with the band.

Well between that time and the reception the first Gulf War broke out - Operation Desert Storm had begun - the base was on full alert - I was one of the first to arrive at the base (as usual) - I pulled up to the guard house and I noticed the vans and cars of several band members being searched by the other guards - I rolled up to the guard and told him I was with the band and started to reach for my driver's license but I stopped as I realized he was giving me directions to the Officer's Club - I was not pulled over and never even showed an ID because I did not appear nervous or agitated at all - I simply belonged there.

My fellow band members who had been searched wanted to know how I got through so quickly and I just smiled and said - I just always fit in - it was true then and it is now - relax, be yourself and you will be accepted for exactly who you think you are.

Love ya,

Sally, Princess of the Universe

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Sally, Princess of the Universe

I LIKE THAT!

Elizabeth, the Virgin Queen

Hey - if we are sisters, can I be Elizabeth, Princess of the Alternate' Universe?

[Guest NatalieRene]

When you have reached that point and are happy with the fact that people see you that way, yet you are still not happy with yourself. What do you do then?

I think what Ashley is trying to say is transitioning won't solve all of our problems. It will only solve the problem (hopefully) of us being perceived as our true gender and allow us a little more freedom to be ourselves. It won't fix the fact that if you have no social skills you can't make friends. At that point though the way to solve that is to go out there and learn the skills. We'll take the bumps and bruises along the way but if you don't put yourself out there and take a risk you never get the gain. I know being a loner most of my life I might have a few things to learn and it will take time for me to be more trusting in public but if my shy cat can open up then so can I.

[Guest AshleyRF]

How does one walk around knowing they are beautiful? How would you even know if you were or not?

[Guest ChloëC]

About Ashley's concern with not being happy with oneself, I think that transcends gender dysphoria. Only it's one more feeling and concern about ourselves that is laid on with all the others.

While Ashley may be dealing with other issues, her post suggested the following to me.

Wouldn't it be great to wake up one morning and not only know (with every fiber of life) that you're the sex that you have always known yourself to be, knowing that everyone else accepts you as that sex, and finally, having the memories and feelings of having been both mentally and physically that sex since first becoming aware.

Except you wouldn't really be you anymore. You would be someone else. And that's a thought I constantly have. Is it better to be you all your life and make the changes needed to fulfull what you know is true, but still have the memories and experiences of someone who was not? Or just give up all memories and experiences of that confused and painful existence and have them replaced with a life time of experiences and thoughts of what you now are and should have been all along.

Given the choice what would any of us do?

I suspect I know what many of us will say, but just another thought, we're imperfect people living in an imperfect world. This 'resurrection' of sorts would make us perfect in one sense. But in another sense, it would change us into something else. Then the question becomes - what was the point of whatever came before?

I'm me, warts and all, and somehow having the chance of being someone else more perfect than I now am, but eliminating all existence and knowledge of me as I am today, is just not that enticing. But to a large number of people, it does seem to be.

Chloë

[Guest AshleyRF]

I'd give everything up to be a real woman 100%.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I'd give everything up to be a real woman 100%.

Ashley - think it through - you are 100% woman - it's the body that is not working like it should - consequently, your memories had to be compromised. Accept that you are what you are, a woman, and you are working on remodel of the body.

And then you have some catching up to do! Sighhh

Otherwise you will go nutzzzzz

Lizzy