New And Feeling Alone. (do I Even Belong Here?)

[Guest Exeter]

I was referred to this site about a month ago, I think. At first, I read some things and was a bit interested, but decided not to join. Last night, I came back for some reason and felt the compulsion to go ahead and register. I suppose I've just been afraid to say anything because I'm not sure that I even really belong here. I just don't want to seem like I'm deliberately coming on here to bother people if I don't fit in with this community. Anyway, I guess I should describe my situation so you can evaluate it for yourselves. (The only reason why I'm electing to write here instead of in the Introductions thread right now is because I'm not sure if I belong and I don't know what I am... I won't bore anyone with my life story as of yet, however I do feel it's neccessary to atleast explain my problem in some detail.)

Firstly, I'm 18. I'm a female. (yes, I'm alright with admitting that...) I've always wanted to be a boy; for as long as I can remember. However, I can admit that I'm physically female and I do manage to deal with this. It does hurt sometimes though. Like whenever 'gender issues' arise or I feel the need to be competitive. My hatred of my body and identity has caused me alot of depression, anger, and emotional disturbance over the years. I find it hard to write 'Ms.' or 'Miss' on a form and I kind of like it when someone didn't know my gender and I recieved 'Mr." in the mail. I often wish that I could go around without a top on without it being considered 'vulgar' or 'sexual'. (I dislike having breasts.) I even stand to... er... "number 1". (Sorry if that's too much information, but I figured that it's still a pretty big gender thing, considering girls 'don't'.) I'm also bothered by the fact that I often want to sound like a male...I prefer their voices and I admit that I have a repressed desire to be able to mimic them. Maybe the biggest thing is that I secretly wish I could sing like my favourite band... This said, I'll add that all of my rolemodels are male and I've always had more respect for males. This complicates the fact that I am also physically attracted to males, not females. It's like I feel the over-powering confusion of not being sure whether I want someone or I want to be them. (I've been told by a close relative that I probably just 'want them' and it's normal, but I'm not so convinced myself.) I think often, I feel more like a (don't mean to offend...) gay male, than a straight female. I'd have to say that I'm, in personality, more masculine than feminine. I always wear boys clothes and prefer my hair shorter (though it still doesn't look like what I want it to...) And ironically, I feel attracted to feminine males... I actually like them about as 'girly' as possible without actually being a girl... (this includes cross-dressing and make-up) I apologise if any of this is inappropriate, but I felt that it may be important to judge my condition. I've also always felt more comfortable hanging out around boys and men. I actually feel like other females might be judging me or looking down on me. I dislike discussing 'body' things with them and it always makes me feel uncomfortable. I sometimes even feel afraid of them. To summarise, I'll just say that while deep down gender issues and roles will always bother me, I am not sure I'll ever actually go through with surgery or hormones or anything like that. (I won't elaborate right now.) Yet I do always think that I would've been more happy as a boy. (Oh by the way, another confusing detail...) While I'm masculine as a girl, if I 'could' actually be a boy, I'd be completely feminine, like the boys that I'm attracted to. This is probably rather messed up and I'm not sure why I feel this way, but I theorise that maybe the whole thing is because I really want to be a girly boy and the fact that I'm attracted to them means I'm looking for a substitute to fill a void in myself. I think that I try to be more boyish as a girl because it's rebelling against conventional gender roles. (Though this attitude is not faked; that's actually me) I just feel that I could probably role-play as pretty much any one; including a straight male. I feel that I could adapt to these kinds of situations, if need be. Sometimes my desire to be male actually goes so deep that I believe I could force myself; or maybe learn; to be attracted to females. Anyway, this is probably getting too long, but I have no one to really talk to; especially no one that truly understands me. (I barely do, myself...though I try to analyse as much as I can for lack of anyone else doing so.) I just need someone to tell me that I'm not alone. I need to know if there's anyone else like me; or just as comforting... a boy who feels completely the opposite of me. Either way, I'd like to be labelled, because then I'd know that this is real and that I actually fall under a category. That I'm not just making this up, like some of my family might think. (They seem to think this is just an excuse or not a big deal...) This is as deep as I'm going until someone tells me whether or not they really want to hear more. I've plenty more details to share, but at this point I think I'm better off leaving it at this.

I'd love to hear from someone and talk some more if anyone has the time and thinks that I really belong here. (I've probably spent a few hours writing this; just trying to get it right... hope I didn't make any mistakes or do anything wrong and I hope it's not too lengthy...)

Thank you.

[Guest Donna Jean]

First off, Exeter....

YES! This is where you truly belong!

Secondly, please don't get too wrapped up in any labels...gender is fluid...it can be stationary or it can ebb back and forth and all over...

Now, however you are attracted to is your sexuality, and what you feel you are is your gender!

There is no one else that can satisfy those questions for you. They come from YOU!

Being FTM (or FT?) doesn't mean that one must grow a beard, get tattoos, and be a body builder....not many genetic males are that way either. So, don't let that worry you. Be who you are...how you feel!

And, yes...most of us DO understand you....a lot! We all share different ammounts of Dysphoria and have been down that road before to differing degrees! So, please don't think you words are falling on deaf ears....OK?

Now, just let me say..Welcome to the Playground..

It's nice to have you here and I think we'd like to hear more about yourself if you feel confortable with that...OK?

Good....

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Guest Elizabeth K]

My goodness - yes you belong here! WHERE ELSE!??! We have such a diversity here - and I know you are looking to see if you are the only one in the world that feels like you do? I can guarantee you are NOT the only one in the world. And what you describe - a feeling of disassociation with what you are - even if you are sometimes okay with your femaleness, something is just ... well... different! And that you admire the male privileges and the male ways - but also like the femininity that exists in the world? You seem to be very androgynous and very dual. Lot of people like that!

I PULLED OUT ONE PART: because I really want to be a girly boy - well... what does that say? I am way past your age - but you would have liked me. I playacted as a boy, but have always been a girl. So I am your opposite I think in many ways - a boyish girl. And I am natal male - and my mindset and soul and very being is female.

And I belong here.

You may discover you are one or more of the twenty or so labels that you see here at Laura's. BUT they are just labels. You are what you are and that is perfectly fine.

Gender dysphoria specialist therapy is the key - if you want to know, if you need a label - you need to see a therapist. This isn't to ask to change anything necessarily, or anything like that - a therapist has the experience to help you find yourself.

You definately belong here - If you need a temporary label - just say you are androgynous - that might be close. BUT its good to see a natal female who realizes she is also a he. Its NOT a binary world out there - it just isn't! the biggest thing we want you to do is join us - feel safe, and to have you post questions, opinions and tell us how you are at any given moment. I will always be here if you need to talk - and there are hundreds of us. After five posts yoiu can Private Message (PM) anyone here. So that will alleviate your loneliness.

And I have worked with young people - I love their intelligence and their love of life! Many want to self-distruct! you cannot - PLEASE!

SO STAY WITH US.

One more time - YOU BELONG HERE!!!

Lizzy

[Sally]

Hello and I am going to start right off by giving you a label - Exeter!

Oh wait, that was the label you gave to yourself and the only one that really matters.

You do belong here and there are others like you - you have already heard that but it bears repeating.

There are so many stops along the gender spectrum you will need to take a little time finding the right one for you.

I have found mine and I am working toward it, born male according to superficial evidence but truly female from the very start.

Come on in and read all of the forums and you may post in all of them and start topics in all of them - the teen forum is closed to us older folks starting a topic but we can and do comment - like Lizzy, I love the younger ones here with so much life ahead of them and a fresher view point.

Consider yourself not only to belong but a part of our family as well.

I offer the new girls hot cocoa and cookies and I offer the young men pizza and a cold drink - you may pick from either or in keeping with the spirit of your girly man - why not have some pizza and a cold drink and then have cookies for dessert.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest KellyKat]

Hi Exeter!!

Welcome to Laura's!! Here you belong. There is no right way or wrong way to feel about yourself. Be true to your heart and mind.

There is only one label that most worry about here - is that of friend. Have a good look around. Enjoy yourself. Make some new friends.

Luv Kat

[Guest Exeter]

Thank you everyone for your support. It's so nice to be able to post something on a website without being flamed... I've never really been much of a web-chatter myself; though I am really into computers; I'm usually very withdrawn from social activities and feel very isolated. I certainly feel that way in real life, as I have no friends and the only people I socialise with are my family, and even then only to some degree. I recall posting probably foolish (and completely non-related) questions on a mailing list once (I guess it was similar to twitter) and I was severely picked on, so it kind of discouraged me from seeking social interaction through the internet. I suppose I figured to try again because I'm so confused 90% of the time; about everything. Not even just gender things, but pretty much everything. This makes it very difficult for me to figure out what kind of group I could belong to and maybe meet some supportive people in. I've just been feeling very alone lately and I've been feeling the need to reach out to people in some capacity. I suppose if I want to tell more about myself I could make a longer post in the introduction thread? Is there any limit on how long it should be? Also what kind of content would be considered exceeding PG? I feel very cautious about saying too much if it would offend, but most of the time I find that the things I think are terrible, really aren't so bad.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Honey......

You post anywhere that you wish......

Make it as long as you care too...ok?

All I ask is that you have a look at the forum rules (There is a link at the top of most pages) so you know our parameters...

Your first post was just fine and you weren't even close to offending anyone.

And, no one will start flaming you...that's why we moderate this site...we read each and every post before it goes up.That keeps the meanies out...We won't let a bad one go through....

Now.....

There, do you feel a little bvetter now?

LOVE & HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Guest Exeter]

Yes, I feel alot better and I will go ahead and post a longer thread in introductions. I have already attempted to read any and all rules that I can, as I feel awkward about making a post if I'm not sure of the rules. Thank you again, and I have one probably stupid question... What kind of avatar pictures are suitable, as in what kind of content? Could it be anything? Or are there certain things you'd want to avoid?

[Guest praisedbeherhooves]

I label you... my twin. Seriously, I can tell where you're coming from. When I lived as a girl I was perceived a tomboy. As a boy I am, to quote Terry Pratchet, "Gayer than a tree full of monkeys in nitrous oxide." I wear makeup, girl jeans and feminine colors. When my hair was longer I stuck in extensions and hair bows. All this time I was, and am, living as a guy and taking hormone blockers. I bounced between androgynous and FTM for a while until I realized that I am an FTM, just a very feminine one who doesn't always care if he passes. There are some transmen who are feminine. Alexander_James on here openly crossdresses (except he binds when he does that). There are definitely a lot of LGB transmen. I actually cannot think of any straight transmen I know personally, though I know of some. Not all transmen wish to get hormones and surgery. I'm not sure if I want to stay on hormones past my voice breaking and I am probably not getting lower surgery. Some transmen don't even want to get any hormones or surgery at all. There is a huge spectrum of transgender and where you fit on it is something that takes time to realize. Stay on here, man, it might help you figure out.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Yes, I feel alot better and I will go ahead and post a longer thread in introductions. I have already attempted to read any and all rules that I can, as I feel awkward about making a post if I'm not sure of the rules. Thank you again, and I have one probably stupid question... What kind of avatar pictures are suitable, as in what kind of content? Could it be anything? Or are there certain things you'd want to avoid?

They're not stupid questions...

I commend you for trying to stay within the rules....Wonderful!

Avatar?

Well, it could really be just about anything that you want. Just remember that we're a G-PG13 rated site and anything within those parameters will be just fine...

Don't worry, Hon...if you were to put up something unacceptable, you'd know in short order!....lol

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Guest Matthias_Bane]

Welcome! Welcome!

I read your introduction and felt myself as I was just a little while ago. Sweetheart, you belong here and you are among friends. I am very very openly pansexual with /strong/ leanings towards men, so don't even worry your lovely little head over that. Love is love. It is perfect and sees not society's barriers, and gender is, as was stated, fluid. And there is /nothing/ wrong with it. This isn't a place to judge you, or tell you that you are wrong. All are welcome and accepted here, and I am thrilled that you have joined us.

Grace,

Matthias Bane

"Matty <3"

[Guest Evan_J]

<--Smiles at the new person. Makes room and hollers :

"Fellas, slide down, there's a new guy".

Oh, and I always liked that name on the school; glad to see someone made it their's

[Guest ChalenAustin]

I've struggled feeling like a very femme guy even though deep down I know that I'm not to that far a degree.

Sometimes when you are just entering this carzy exhilerating world of gender every imaginable possiblility comes to mind and it's hard to "label" yourself.

When you begin to get your footing more and more, you won't be worried about labels so much and can just figure out you!

When that happens you will find your label- or it will find you but you can't try to find and work onto one/more now.

When you begin to really discover yourself everything will begin to fall into place without having to even try to find exactly where that place is.

If it makes you feel better I for lack of a typical label made my own to better discribe my feelings for my GT.

I call myself an andrognyist transsexual. Note I said call- never have to spell it

Right now I'm very fem, don't mind the lady parts too much on any given day, don't have any plans for hysterectomy (cuz that would ruin my future plans) and as far as hormones I want to go on and off to give myself time to adjust and play around with gender in the first place.

Consider this your time of fun and experimentation!

Once you open your mind and don't take things/ or yourself too seriously you can have alot of fun figuring out who you really are and where you stand.

NOW HAVE FUN!

[Guest Melanieshaman]

There's a reason those first three ladies are mods..they know what they're talking about, as do the rest (just pointing out the wisdom there). YES indeed you belong here, no doubt!

Welcome welcome

Huggers

Melanie