My Attempt At An Introduction.

[Guest Exeter]

Hello, I've decided to make a more formal introduction. My real first name is in fact unisex, whether or not people would see it that way, but I'm electing not to use it for personal reasons. It makes me uncomfortable because I don't usually post personal things online and I wouldn't want relatives to know about it. Anyway, as I've stated on my first thread, I'm an 18 year old girl. I feel that I am unusual in a wide variety of ways, but I suppose I'll let you judge that.

I've wanted to be a boy ever since I was very little, but at first it started out very subtle and innocent. It began as the mere thought of disliking to wear dresses. I was about 3 or 4 and at the time this was mostly because I liked to crawl around on the floor and get into things and being in a dress made it difficult. My parents didn't make me wear dresses or skirts alot; in fact the only time they did was for Sunday School, which was the only time I would start to complain. I would be alittle jealous of my younger brother, who was allowed to wear trousers or shorts. I've always been extremely competitive with my brother; maybe if he'd been a girl I wouldn't have turned out quite the same... yet this is very, very, silly as my brother has always been submissive to me and never threatening. He's never really been like most boys. But this never stopped me from feeling envious and bitter. I'd often pick on him and behave like a bully... though I suppose this was also because I've always felt like my mother, in particular, loved him more... (still feel that way actually.) I'm not sure if this bears any relevance, but I lost my father when I was barely 7 years old. He died of cancer (among other things... which I'm not sure I feel comfortable discussing at this time...) I will add however that my parents had a very unstable relationship which helped to shape me in a number of ways. I began to suffer from a sort of anxiety disorder starting at age 5. I didn't know what to call it at the time, of course. Over the years my desire to be a boy became more visible. My mother would buy me boys clothes to satisfy my desire to be treated completely equal to my brother, though she did still have limits to what she considered 'appropriate' and I still wore some girls clothes, but never skirts or dresses. (Also, I forgot to mention when I was really little I actually liked Pink, but I began hating Pink and Barbie and all girls' toys by about 5 or 6, I think. Blue was my favourite colour until about a few years ago, which I'd say was probably replaced by Black.) Anyway, I had some friends in school, not many, but some. Most were oddly, at this time, girls, but probably only because it was considered 'more normal'... though I've never really felt a strong urge to 'pretend' to be girly and I've never tried. Most girls in school were girlier than me and actually organised my desk for me etc. One time a girl actually asked me if I was a boy or a girl... I was alittle tempted to say 'boy', but I never did. I also felt tempted to rebell when the teachers would call us at lunch and say "Mrs. 'so and so's' young ladies please stand up' etc. Once when I had to answer a teacher, a girl said I sounded like a boy. (I suppose my voice was never really all that high...) I was basically a good student and obeyed all of the rules for the first few years of school. I always got good grades and everyone thought I was quiet, shy, and well behaved. It wasn't until I was about 9 or 10 that I'd started disobeying rules. At this point I began to lie on my desk instead of writing essays and I began to talk more with other students when I wasn't supposed to. Alot of kids by this time had started treating me like I was odd, though I still had a friend or two. My mother has always known that I wanted to be a boy and I think she thinks I hate her for giving birth to me. We've had alot of fights about this kind of thing. Once she even shouted at me about me wanting to be a boy so bad that she'd get me a 'sex change' if that's what I wanted. She probably does somewhat resent my attitude as I'm not really the kind of daughter she expected to have, but this most likely doesn't matter a whole lot as we don't have anything in common and she usually takes no interest in anything I do. When I was probably about 11, my mother decided to homeschool us. Not for any particular reason, really. I suppose we just hated school. I actually regret it now. I wish I hadn't been so isolated. I feel that being homeschooled has hurt me. I feel like my life has all been 'fake' and there's no real responsibility to anything or anyone. I've been on a computer since I was 2, my dad was into them, and I've always felt that video games and computer stuff have dominated my life. I sometimes regret it in the respect that I feel I have nothing to show for myself, though I still enjoy games and play them alot. I've never been into girly things like shopping, talking about boys and clothes, or using make-up. As I entered my teens and unfortunately puberty, I was very disturbed. I'd actually panicked and worried about the thought of being a teenager for a long time. I'd never wanted my body to become more feminine and the idea of getting breasts was terrible. I have to say that I'm fortunate to have always been thin and I didn't mature quickly. (In fact, I may still pass for a 14 or 15 year old...) I resented experiencing 'monthly stuff' and I have never liked to openly discuss this kind of thing with anyone... especially not other females. It took me the longest time to even consider wearing certain undergarments. By the time I was 14, I'd found ways to deal with my gender alittle more. I mean, things still bothered me if they were brought up, but other than that I tried my best to tolerate. This was mostly due to the fact that I'd begun to even more realise that I was attracted to males, which made me consider that perhaps if I had someone else, maybe I would feel more complete and be able to accept myself. Sadly, I say this all in a theoretical manner as I have 'never' been in any kind of romantic relationship. I've only experienced attractions to people... er... in tv shows and other things, not in real life. I have only become more strange over the past few years, which a close relative of mine has even confessed to feeling. My simple attraction to 'normal' guys has unfortunately transformed into what I would almost fear is a 'fetish' for extremely and probably impossibly feminine boys. - Oh wait, forgot to mention... when I was 12-15 I actually preferred older males. I didn't like boys around my own age. I was attracted to mature men in their 30's and up... not in reality though, so don't worry... it was all theoretical and perfectly safe; just the normal stuff kids feel... but now that I'm older, probably since last year, I began noticing I like (post-pubescent) boys who look as young as possible. It probably has to do with the fact that I feel they're more feminine and naive or innocent, which I like. (Though I will add that I don't still find most typical teens very appealing; they'd have to be very unusual.) Basically, I now feel that I pretty much want everything out of a male that males typically want out of a female. (Make-up, pretty clothes, sensitive and emotional, physically small and weak) I hate to get so involved on this discussion, but it's a definite source of my confusion and depression and I need someone to tell this to. Anyway, moving on... I graduated from school a year early, because it was homeschool and since then I've been expected to do alot of things I don't want to. Everyone seems to have an opinion. They all seem to think I should go to college, but I'm not interested at all. At a cousins wedding recently my mother actually expected me to wear a dress. I compromised by wearing a ruffled dress shirt instead with a suit. (I figured it kind of looked like a pirate shirt or '70s thing more than really girly.)

I suppose that's most of my 'boring' story, but I would like to clarify alittle more about myself as I am currently. I actually feel like I share a bit in common with cross dressers. For one, I would love the idea of having more varieties of clothing other than typical t-shirts and jeans, like 'punk' or 'goth' stuff, but in a non-feminine way. I find it very hard to find a comfortable way to do this. It's almost as if females have no means by which to truly rebell in terms of fashion. I mean, if I wore black make-up, people wouldn't think I'm just a goth, they'd think I'm a girl doing what normal girls do. They'd actually assume I'm trying to be feminine, when I'm not. I really think I'd like my fashion to resemble what male musicians wore in the '80s. (which I love by the way, regardless of the countless fun that people derive from joking about the era.) I'd even like to have my hair spiked up more in a male style, but I'd be afraid to go too far and experience rejection. I'm still probably too timid for my own good. I don't 'pretend' to be girly, but I have got myself into a rut and it seems hard to escape. I also understand completely how male cross-dressers feel and I've even put myself into their heads. I suppose it's because in a twisted way, they're me. I mean, if I were a male, I'd be a cross-dresser, which is pretty 'messed up' considering I don't currently have any desire to wear skirts or dresses. As for the gender I feel like I am, I guess I'm always the same. I'm always just me. I never really question it too much. I suppose I'm alright being called 'she' etc, I'm used to it, but there are times when I'll admit that I wish I could be thought of as alittle more male. This is because all of my role-models have always been male and I want so badly to emulate them. I might as well say that my biggest interests apart from video games and computers are music and writing. I play keyboard and like music alot, even though my tastes are probably very limited... staying restricted to what I suppose would best fall under '80s synthpop. (I do intend to pursue music as a career, which hopefully will work out somehow, as right now it all seems so doubtful and unlikely that it leaves me even more depressed, adding to my other problems... I mean I can't even meet people, how would I ever start a band?) As for writing, I have always seemed to take an interest in language, even though recently I've little interest in actually reading for entertainment as I seem to posess a very short attention span, which is very annoying. I blame it on MMORPGS. Anyway, I've always written short stories and the like and a couple of years ago I decided to attempt something longer... It's been giving me alot of trouble. I only mention it because reflects alot of my gender issues and I feel that most 'normal mainstream people' would disapprove of it. My main character is a very unusual man, with 'gender issues' himself, as well as many other colourful problems... After reading alot on here, I feel alittle more confidence that maybe people who are similar to me and can understand would actually like my story, but that's still doubtful... I'm very pessimistic most of the time. It's very easy for me to feel discouraged and depressed.

Well, I've probably either said too much... confused and/or bored you... so I should most likely stop here. I apologise, but no one else completely understands me and I sometimes feel so confused and lost. I get so depressed sometimes that I don't know what to do. As for actually going through with hormones or surgery, I don't think I would... mostly because of my upbringing and what it would do to those close to me... but there have been times during emotional episodes, in which I've seriously considered it.

I'd just like to say that I'm interested in talking with others like myself or just people who don't think I'm weird. I'd like to have some actual friends for once, if that's even remotely possible.

So, thank you very much if you read all of my ramblings, and if you didn't I don't blame you; it's ok.

(I was supposed to have been working on my story this entire time... no one knows I was really on here.)

[Guest Elizabeth K]

MY GOODNESS! You are really posting on this! It's good of course - and I see an anxiousness to connect - with someone - especially someone like you. In your earlier posting I think you has a lot or response from across the board - a lot of different 'gender dysphoric' conditions

I hope that didn't scare or confuse you? It is sometimes a little daunting when you TRY to present your story in the clearst tems available and sometimes the answers you get back are close, but not exactly as you expected.

................................................................................

As a moderator here, I want to ask everyone to CAREFULLY READ this second post. We have already welcomed her. So that is a done deal.

If you are truly the same person in many ways as this person - PLEASE help out. This is a plea for help - an affirmation of "I am not the only one?" type of angst.

I just feel that! I hope we can rise to that challenge! We already said she in NOT weird.

................................................................................

Just my opinion.

Elizabeth Anne

[Guest Matthias_Bane]

Hello, I've decided to make a more formal introduction. My real first name is in fact unisex, whether or not people would see it that way, but I'm electing not to use it for personal reasons. It makes me uncomfortable because I don't usually post personal things online and I wouldn't want relatives to know about it. Anyway, as I've stated on my first thread, I'm an 18 year old girl. I feel that I am unusual in a wide variety of ways, but I suppose I'll let you judge that.

I've wanted to be a boy ever since I was very little, but at first it started out very subtle and innocent. It began as the mere thought of disliking to wear dresses. I was about 3 or 4 and at the time this was mostly because I liked to crawl around on the floor and get into things and being in a dress made it difficult. My parents didn't make me wear dresses or skirts alot; in fact the only time they did was for Sunday School, which was the only time I would start to complain. I would be alittle jealous of my younger brother, who was allowed to wear trousers or shorts. I've always been extremely competitive with my brother; maybe if he'd been a girl I wouldn't have turned out quite the same... yet this is very, very, silly as my brother has always been submissive to me and never threatening. He's never really been like most boys. But this never stopped me from feeling envious and bitter. I'd often pick on him and behave like a bully... though I suppose this was also because I've always felt like my mother, in particular, loved him more... (still feel that way actually.) I'm not sure if this bears any relevance, but I lost my father when I was barely 7 years old. He died of cancer (among other things... which I'm not sure I feel comfortable discussing at this time...) I will add however that my parents had a very unstable relationship which helped to shape me in a number of ways. I began to suffer from a sort of anxiety disorder starting at age 5. I didn't know what to call it at the time, of course. Over the years my desire to be a boy became more visible. My mother would buy me boys clothes to satisfy my desire to be treated completely equal to my brother, though she did still have limits to what she considered 'appropriate' and I still wore some girls clothes, but never skirts or dresses. (Also, I forgot to mention when I was really little I actually liked Pink, but I began hating Pink and Barbie and all girls' toys by about 5 or 6, I think. Blue was my favourite colour until about a few years ago, which I'd say was probably replaced by Black.) Anyway, I had some friends in school, not many, but some. Most were oddly, at this time, girls, but probably only because it was considered 'more normal'... though I've never really felt a strong urge to 'pretend' to be girly and I've never tried. Most girls in school were girlier than me and actually organised my desk for me etc. One time a girl actually asked me if I was a boy or a girl... I was alittle tempted to say 'boy', but I never did. I also felt tempted to rebell when the teachers would call us at lunch and say "Mrs. 'so and so's' young ladies please stand up' etc. Once when I had to answer a teacher, a girl said I sounded like a boy. (I suppose my voice was never really all that high...) I was basically a good student and obeyed all of the rules for the first few years of school. I always got good grades and everyone thought I was quiet, shy, and well behaved. It wasn't until I was about 9 or 10 that I'd started disobeying rules. At this point I began to lie on my desk instead of writing essays and I began to talk more with other students when I wasn't supposed to. Alot of kids by this time had started treating me like I was odd, though I still had a friend or two. My mother has always known that I wanted to be a boy and I think she thinks I hate her for giving birth to me. We've had alot of fights about this kind of thing. Once she even shouted at me about me wanting to be a boy so bad that she'd get me a 'sex change' if that's what I wanted. She probably does somewhat resent my attitude as I'm not really the kind of daughter she expected to have, but this most likely doesn't matter a whole lot as we don't have anything in common and she usually takes no interest in anything I do. When I was probably about 11, my mother decided to homeschool us. Not for any particular reason, really. I suppose we just hated school. I actually regret it now. I wish I hadn't been so isolated. I feel that being homeschooled has hurt me. I feel like my life has all been 'fake' and there's no real responsibility to anything or anyone. I've been on a computer since I was 2, my dad was into them, and I've always felt that video games and computer stuff have dominated my life. I sometimes regret it in the respect that I feel I have nothing to show for myself, though I still enjoy games and play them alot. I've never been into girly things like shopping, talking about boys and clothes, or using make-up. As I entered my teens and unfortunately puberty, I was very disturbed. I'd actually panicked and worried about the thought of being a teenager for a long time. I'd never wanted my body to become more feminine and the idea of getting breasts was terrible. I have to say that I'm fortunate to have always been thin and I didn't mature quickly. (In fact, I may still pass for a 14 or 15 year old...) I resented experiencing 'monthly stuff' and I have never liked to openly discuss this kind of thing with anyone... especially not other females. It took me the longest time to even consider wearing certain undergarments. By the time I was 14, I'd found ways to deal with my gender alittle more. I mean, things still bothered me if they were brought up, but other than that I tried my best to tolerate. This was mostly due to the fact that I'd begun to even more realise that I was attracted to males, which made me consider that perhaps if I had someone else, maybe I would feel more complete and be able to accept myself. Sadly, I say this all in a theoretical manner as I have 'never' been in any kind of romantic relationship. I've only experienced attractions to people... er... in tv shows and other things, not in real life. I have only become more strange over the past few years, which a close relative of mine has even confessed to feeling. My simple attraction to 'normal' guys has unfortunately transformed into what I would almost fear is a 'fetish' for extremely and probably impossibly feminine boys. - Oh wait, forgot to mention... when I was 12-15 I actually preferred older males. I didn't like boys around my own age. I was attracted to mature men in their 30's and up... not in reality though, so don't worry... it was all theoretical and perfectly safe; just the normal stuff kids feel... but now that I'm older, probably since last year, I began noticing I like (post-pubescent) boys who look as young as possible. It probably has to do with the fact that I feel they're more feminine and naive or innocent, which I like. (Though I will add that I don't still find most typical teens very appealing; they'd have to be very unusual.) Basically, I now feel that I pretty much want everything out of a male that males typically want out of a female. (Make-up, pretty clothes, sensitive and emotional, physically small and weak) I hate to get so involved on this discussion, but it's a definite source of my confusion and depression and I need someone to tell this to. Anyway, moving on... I graduated from school a year early, because it was homeschool and since then I've been expected to do alot of things I don't want to. Everyone seems to have an opinion. They all seem to think I should go to college, but I'm not interested at all. At a cousins wedding recently my mother actually expected me to wear a dress. I compromised by wearing a ruffled dress shirt instead with a suit. (I figured it kind of looked like a pirate shirt or '70s thing more than really girly.)

I suppose that's most of my 'boring' story, but I would like to clarify alittle more about myself as I am currently. I actually feel like I share a bit in common with cross dressers. For one, I would love the idea of having more varieties of clothing other than typical t-shirts and jeans, like 'punk' or 'goth' stuff, but in a non-feminine way. I find it very hard to find a comfortable way to do this. It's almost as if females have no means by which to truly rebell in terms of fashion. I mean, if I wore black make-up, people wouldn't think I'm just a goth, they'd think I'm a girl doing what normal girls do. They'd actually assume I'm trying to be feminine, when I'm not. I really think I'd like my fashion to resemble what male musicians wore in the '80s. (which I love by the way, regardless of the countless fun that people derive from joking about the era.) I'd even like to have my hair spiked up more in a male style, but I'd be afraid to go too far and experience rejection. I'm still probably too timid for my own good. I don't 'pretend' to be girly, but I have got myself into a rut and it seems hard to escape. I also understand completely how male cross-dressers feel and I've even put myself into their heads. I suppose it's because in a twisted way, they're me. I mean, if I were a male, I'd be a cross-dresser, which is pretty 'messed up' considering I don't currently have any desire to wear skirts or dresses. As for the gender I feel like I am, I guess I'm always the same. I'm always just me. I never really question it too much. I suppose I'm alright being called 'she' etc, I'm used to it, but there are times when I'll admit that I wish I could be thought of as alittle more male. This is because all of my role-models have always been male and I want so badly to emulate them. I might as well say that my biggest interests apart from video games and computers are music and writing. I play keyboard and like music alot, even though my tastes are probably very limited... staying restricted to what I suppose would best fall under '80s synthpop. (I do intend to pursue music as a career, which hopefully will work out somehow, as right now it all seems so doubtful and unlikely that it leaves me even more depressed, adding to my other problems... I mean I can't even meet people, how would I ever start a band?) As for writing, I have always seemed to take an interest in language, even though recently I've little interest in actually reading for entertainment as I seem to posess a very short attention span, which is very annoying. I blame it on MMORPGS. Anyway, I've always written short stories and the like and a couple of years ago I decided to attempt something longer... It's been giving me alot of trouble. I only mention it because reflects alot of my gender issues and I feel that most 'normal mainstream people' would disapprove of it. My main character is a very unusual man, with 'gender issues' himself, as well as many other colourful problems... After reading alot on here, I feel alittle more confidence that maybe people who are similar to me and can understand would actually like my story, but that's still doubtful... I'm very pessimistic most of the time. It's very easy for me to feel discouraged and depressed.

Well, I've probably either said too much... confused and/or bored you... so I should most likely stop here. I apologise, but no one else completely understands me and I sometimes feel so confused and lost. I get so depressed sometimes that I don't know what to do. As for actually going through with hormones or surgery, I don't think I would... mostly because of my upbringing and what it would do to those close to me... but there have been times during emotional episodes, in which I've seriously considered it.

I'd just like to say that I'm interested in talking with others like myself or just people who don't think I'm weird. I'd like to have some actual friends for once, if that's even remotely possible.

So, thank you very much if you read all of my ramblings, and if you didn't I don't blame you; it's ok.

(I was supposed to have been working on my story this entire time... no one knows I was really on here.)

Once more I greet you, and welcome you to the community. The more I read your story, the more I realized that it much reflected my own. Sweetheart, I have to tell you, you aren't alone. Your trials have too been mine, and have been many other's. I know that seems doubtful, because the world is a wide place that often makes us feel so very alone, but know that your words have at one time been mine, your feelings I have shared. I will introduce myself to you so that you might know perhaps a touch of this kinship that I feel with you. My name given was also non-gender specific, to be honest, but here (and slowly everywhere else) Matthias is becoming my name. People call me Matty who are friends, and that is something I hope with all my heart we can be. I am a Female to Male transexual who has periods of androgyne. Rather than a brother, I have a sister who I too feel my mother favors and I envy, though more because she is growing up to be the perfect example of the 'norm' and I could never hope to be so. Role playing was also my release, and each one of my characters were one small bit of my personality magnified, just as yours reflects your gender identity 'issues'. I have chosen to persue the transition, but I can perfectly understand not, as I often debated that question myself. I differ from you in that I am the girly, submissive male rather than seeking them. I never out grew the choice of older men, and I still prefer them honestly. I know your confusion the way only one who has born it can, and I want to help you in whatever you need to feel better. I will gladly be a friend when you believe you have none, a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold, or words of encouragement when the world has stricken you to fall. So many people here will be your sanctuary if you allow it, and I beg you to relax and be at peace, for we have all traveled roads similar, if not the same, to your own.

Love,

Matty <3

[Guest Donna Jean]

Hey, Exeter.....

Well, Hon.......

I see that you took me seriously about posting. Good for you.

Remember, our members cross a very wide spectrum of gender and although there are many similarities...no two of us are exactly alike.

And, you'll be surprised how many will read your whole post with interest....

LOVE & HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Guest Exeter]

Once more I greet you, and welcome you to the community. The more I read your story, the more I realized that it much reflected my own. Sweetheart, I have to tell you, you aren't alone. Your trials have too been mine, and have been many other's. I know that seems doubtful, because the world is a wide place that often makes us feel so very alone, but know that your words have at one time been mine, your feelings I have shared. I will introduce myself to you so that you might know perhaps a touch of this kinship that I feel with you. My name given was also non-gender specific, to be honest, but here (and slowly everywhere else) Matthias is becoming my name. People call me Matty who are friends, and that is something I hope with all my heart we can be. I am a Female to Male transexual who has periods of androgyne. Rather than a brother, I have a sister who I too feel my mother favors and I envy, though more because she is growing up to be the perfect example of the 'norm' and I could never hope to be so. Role playing was also my release, and each one of my characters were one small bit of my personality magnified, just as yours reflects your gender identity 'issues'. I have chosen to persue the transition, but I can perfectly understand not, as I often debated that question myself. I differ from you in that I am the girly, submissive male rather than seeking them. I never out grew the choice of older men, and I still prefer them honestly. I know your confusion the way only one who has born it can, and I want to help you in whatever you need to feel better. I will gladly be a friend when you believe you have none, a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold, or words of encouragement when the world has stricken you to fall. So many people here will be your sanctuary if you allow it, and I beg you to relax and be at peace, for we have all traveled roads similar, if not the same, to your own.

Love,

Matty <3

Thank you, Matty. I would love to be friends with you Actually I'm using 'Exeter' because I couldn't really think of anything else and I've already used it on other sites. I mainly chose it because it didn't have a specific gender attatched; especially not female; and because it's something that the people I know in real life wouldn't recognise. (It has a faint reference to something that someone probably wouldn't know) And I'm afraid that more than multiple characters reflecting a portion of me; that I seem to channel everything all into one character which seems to result in a very confused person... Currently, I'm feeling lost, but I guess it's not really anything gender related at the moment, so I doubt it's relevant. I'm just feeling bad that there are things I should and need to be doing and I'm neglecting it because I'm letting my confusion get the better of me and I feel like I have no one to talk to. (My family are alittle busy right now...)

[Guest KellyKat]

Hi Exeter!

My what an intro. You have a very good narrative style - I very much enjoyed reading your post. I hope that you keep up on your story as well. If this is indicative of your writing, then you have no shortage of talent.

I'll not even attempt to take on your whole letter. Even being some similarities from the opposite gender pole. My wandering mind won't allow that. I'll just start with your first point and see where I end up.

I have posted before on my name. Before I was born I was I was Kelly Kathleen. My grandma named me. Oh what a surprise to find out that I was born a boy!! Silly me what was I thinking!! But here I was still Kelly - but Kelly 'James', not 'Kat'. My sis later got that. And off I started on my wonderful 'boy' life.

My grandma raised me from the age of 2. Mom was too young to have me and couldn't cope. My grandpa passed when I was about 6. Even though I can still remember him - I had no male role model to follow growing up. Just grandma, and I loved her to death. I was more her child than her own - my mom, aunts, and uncle.

In school I was always an apt pupil, but never quite fit in. I was always the outsider. Never quite fit in - even though I moved to that town in the second grade!! So friends being few and far between I was more of a loner. I spent more time at home which was fine by me.

I always had an artistic flare which enabled my learning of arts and crafts to go beyond the norm of drawing or painting. I learned how to knit and sew when around 10 or 11. My grandma thought it a bit odd that I'd want to learn something like that. But was only too happy to sit with me and teach me. I was a constructive child, imaginative, and she loved me.

My high school days were no great joy either. More of the same - still very much a loner. It wasn't until many years after school that I came to notice that many of the 'clicks' and bullies from growing up that had tormented me over the years had actually done me a service!! All the time I spent alone seemed to give me a armor for the world that many of classmates lacked. Without their 'herd' mentality they mostly became sheep. Our roles had reversed in the real world!! I was the strong they were the weak. But if you look closer.... I was always the strong one... it was the others that just tried to make me like I wasn't...

Try not to let others get you down - we are all stronger than we think.

Luv Kat

[Guest Shane_82]

Welcome

~ Shane

[Guest Matthias_Bane]

Thank you, Matty. I would love to be friends with you Actually I'm using 'Exeter' because I couldn't really think of anything else and I've already used it on other sites. I mainly chose it because it didn't have a specific gender attatched; especially not female; and because it's something that the people I know in real life wouldn't recognise. (It has a faint reference to something that someone probably wouldn't know) And I'm afraid that more than multiple characters reflecting a portion of me; that I seem to channel everything all into one character which seems to result in a very confused person... Currently, I'm feeling lost, but I guess it's not really anything gender related at the moment, so I doubt it's relevant. I'm just feeling bad that there are things I should and need to be doing and I'm neglecting it because I'm letting my confusion get the better of me and I feel like I have no one to talk to. (My family are alittle busy right now...)

Yay! *hugs* Exeter is a very interesting name :3 I have honestly never heard it before, but I should google. xD

Yeah, I can't do that. My charries always end up dead, and that is demoralizing honestly. Just kidding! ....Kinda >> << >> <<

Any hurt or sadness or confusion or happiness, or anything you feel is /always/ important. I want to know you. Not just your gender disorders, not just your days of crash and burn, but all the little papercuts and the smiles. When I said I wanted to be your friend, I meant it, and that means I always care about you and things going on in your world.

Love,

Matty <3

[Guest KellyKat]

By the way I didn't mention that I'm still unsure of my own gender status or my own preference in dating. I guess the best answer for that is I'm unsure. I hate everthing about being male. No offence to those that are - or want to be. Just not for me. I'm not sure how far I'll go down my path. But I do know that I'll stay with it till I finally find me.

Luv Kat

[Guest Exeter]

Yay! *hugs* Exeter is a very interesting name :3 I have honestly never heard it before, but I should google. xD

Yeah, I can't do that. My charries always end up dead, and that is demoralizing honestly. Just kidding! ....Kinda >> << >> <<

Any hurt or sadness or confusion or happiness, or anything you feel is /always/ important. I want to know you. Not just your gender disorders, not just your days of crash and burn, but all the little papercuts and the smiles. When I said I wanted to be your friend, I meant it, and that means I always care about you and things going on in your world.

Love,

Matty <3

Yeah, actually if it really is a name I'd be surprised... I was getting it from a location. I've heard towns and streets with this name.

Is it ok to use PMs? I guess that's what you mean right?

[Guest Exeter]

Hi Exeter!

My what an intro. You have a very good narrative style - I very much enjoyed reading your post. I hope that you keep up on your story as well. If this is indicative of your writing, then you have no shortage of talent.

I'll not even attempt to take on your whole letter. Even being some similarities from the opposite gender pole. My wandering mind won't allow that. I'll just start with your first point and see where I end up.

I have posted before on my name. Before I was born I was I was Kelly Kathleen. My grandma named me. Oh what a surprise to find out that I was born a boy!! Silly me what was I thinking!! But here I was still Kelly - but Kelly 'James', not 'Kat'. My sis later got that. And off I started on my wonderful 'boy' life.

My grandma raised me from the age of 2. Mom was too young to have me and couldn't cope. My grandpa passed when I was about 6. Even though I can still remember him - I had no male role model to follow growing up. Just grandma, and I loved her to death. I was more her child than her own - my mom, aunts, and uncle.

In school I was always an apt pupil, but never quite fit in. I was always the outsider. Never quite fit in - even though I moved to that town in the second grade!! So friends being few and far between I was more of a loner. I spent more time at home which was fine by me.

I always had an artistic flare which enabled my learning of arts and crafts to go beyond the norm of drawing or painting. I learned how to knit and sew when around 10 or 11. My grandma thought it a bit odd that I'd want to learn something like that. But was only too happy to sit with me and teach me. I was a constructive child, imaginative, and she loved me.

My high school days were no great joy either. More of the same - still very much a loner. It wasn't until many years after school that I came to notice that many of the 'clicks' and bullies from growing up that had tormented me over the years had actually done me a service!! All the time I spent alone seemed to give me a armor for the world that many of classmates lacked. Without their 'herd' mentality they mostly became sheep. Our roles had reversed in the real world!! I was the strong they were the weak. But if you look closer.... I was always the strong one... it was the others that just tried to make me like I wasn't...

Try not to let others get you down - we are all stronger than we think.

Luv Kat

Thank you I was very interested to read your story as well. I honestly wasn't even trying to write in my best narrative, but I am very flattered that you would compliment my writing like this. (I figured it may have still jumped back and forth too much...) I admit I am a bit of a perfectionist, in the sense that I can spend several hours trying to get something right and come back the next day and still find more flaws. I don't think I'm ever completely satisfied with anything I do. I've completely re-written my story 3 times so far and I'm still doubting it's going to turn out right. I even went an entire year without going back to it. I thought I had given up. I just recently decided to try for a third time. I guess I'm just really worried that I chose the wrong things to write about. I went against all of the advice of my English lessons. I even went against common sense. I chose to write about things that I know absolutely nothing about... I mean, I've tried to research as much as I can, but the internet can only do so much... I'm sure you have to feel and experience things for yourself to create it in a truly realistic fashion. My age only makes it worse I assume.

[Guest KellyKat]

I went against all of the advice of my English lessons. I even went against common sense. I chose to write about things that I know absolutely nothing about... I mean, I've tried to research as much as I can, but the internet can only do so much... I'm sure you have to feel and experience things for yourself to create it in a truly realistic fashion. My age only makes it worse I assume.

I would have to argue a point here. Was J. K. Rowlings a student at Hogwort's? Did L. Frank Baum ever walk down a yellow brick road? I'll grant you that Steven King has some nightmares that he might write abuot. But I'm willing to bet that Scotty never beamed Gene Roddenberry aboard the Enterprise.

The point I mean is this. Writing about what you know or can research is fine and dandy. But not everything can be a biography. Those especially who write in the science fiction and fantasies genra have to also tap their imagination. What they do know and add to their stories is the 'human condition'. We are all apart of a greater dynamic system. As long as your characters flow and move with this unseen natural rhythm. Act and react as might naturally occur. With this you draw your reader in and create the 'suspention of non-belief'.

So I would say that the biggest thing to draw from is awareness of how people interact and respond. Fore if they are believable, who is going to question your tale?

Can you tell I'm an art/english major? sheesh!!

Luv Kat

[Guest Matthias_Bane]

Yeah, actually if it really is a name I'd be surprised... I was getting it from a location. I've heard towns and streets with this name.

Is it ok to use PMs? I guess that's what you mean right?

Yes, PMs are fine after your fifth post, which you have gathered already (as you may have noticed ;3) Feel free to PM me any time, I love hearing from everyone and will be more than happy to talk about problems or just chat on the smaller, more pointless details of anything.

Love,

Matty

[Guest swee'pea]

Hi Exeter,

<<hug>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We have Androgyne meetings -Wed 7pm est and you are welcome to attend.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna