Very Confused With Who I Am

[Guest unsolvedmystery]

i don't know where to begin. firstly all of this is new to me, forgive me for not knowing terms for things, please help me in distinguishing the various ones. i'm an 18 year old female and up until 6 months ago i ignored everything i'm about to write about, i just wanted to be normal, but that is killing me now so i've started to deal with everything. i have no desire in becoming a male or looking like a male, i'm very feminine. but i really wish i had male genitalia. yet i want to keep my breasts and still be called a female. my sexual orientation as it stands is pansexual but preferring women. yet if i did have an operation i'd prefer men. i feel like a traitor or something because of that, people don't usually change their sexual orientation right? i am also aware that i may not have a proper functioning penis (forgive me if that is a word that isn't allowed) if i had surgery, it would also affect my femininity due to hormones etc. correct me if i'm wrong. i just am unaware of the possibility to basically become some one with both characteristics without the male side of it affecting the female side. hope i'm making sense. as i stand i do not feel attracted to men, only when i pretend i'm a man do i feel sexual desires for them. yet those desires are stronger than my desires for women in my current state. i don't know what the solution is, i doubt i'm even eligible for an operation since i do not want to become a male. i feel like a disgrace to the tg community. maybe it's best to just leave all this alone and try move on. i don't know! any opinions? i think if i was born male i would have been happy with it and want to be a male. i just really do love my breasts and curves etc, i think even if i were to cross dress as manly as possible i'd be clearly seen as a woman. sorry for this long question.

[Guest Flistan]

Don't worry, it's going to be okay.

I discovered myself only a few months ago, and I have felt the EXACT same feelings. I can't believe it took me this long to connect the dots, but I was like you, the beginning of this year, where I didn't know any of the terminology until I talked to my friends and joined here.

Ever since I was little, I have dreamed of being male, cross dressing, or even becoming male. There was even a time (I know this sounds silly), that I REALLY believed I was a hermaphrodite...

yeah...

*sigh*

...and I was sooo happy.

It was like a dream come true.

But, it wasn't. *more sighing*

To put it in short, I believe that a lot of people here aren't introduced to the term "androgyne" which I believe fits in perfectly with my feelings. I think you should look into it. As for solutions, just do what comes naturally. I hope to get a summer job soon so I can secretly cross-dress from time to time (although I get away with it at anime con, yesss!), but I hope you come to terms with and welcome your feelings.

I was really happy to know who I really was, and I hope you do too. :3

And no, you are definitely not welcome here! *evil monkey point*

Nah, jk. *hug*

[Carolyn Marie]

Hon, its no sin to be confused and troubled, and you certainly are NOT a "disgrace to the TG community."

I'm not a therapist, and even if I was I wouldn't provide a diagnosis based just on what you've said here. It sounds like you have a lot in common with those

who identify themselves as androgynous. I suggest you read through the topics in that forum and see if you find similarities. That's a good way to start.

I also strong suggest you seek out a therapist specializing in gender issues, or Gender Identity Disorder (GID). They are best qualified to help you figure out

just where you are on the gender spectrum.

I suggest too that you post a little introduction about yourself in the Introductions Forum, where more people will see it and offer some welcomes.

We don't judge people here, so nothing that you tell us, and no questions that you have, will be greeted with ridicule or anything less than understanding and

acceptance and support.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Flistan]

Oh by the way...

There are no vulgar words here pertaining to transgendered questions, and all appropriate, honest issues are welcome. There are even topics to assist those in cross dressing even when it comes down to the somewhat private matters... >< Everyone is accepted here, and you can always find a friend for help.

You can even find topics on exercise, diet, and if you still can't find what you need here in case you wish to cross dress, I suggest looking under cosplay.com 's "crossplay" forums. There are several links in the forums that you can find to other sites too.

You may not be all into the idea now, but you may want to consider either an androgynous wardrobe or even find it mentally healthy to cross dress now and then.

And welcome to the forum!

If you need any help or questions that I'd be here to help you out with everything. Vent, ask questions, or do whatever you feel like doing. :3 If you want to send a private message though, you have to post in the forums at least 5 times to authorize your "new membership" status... thingy.

^.^

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Dearheart

Shift gave you some excellent advice.

For the time being, I urge you to remain here at Laura's and talk. Talk about how you feel about things, yourself, the world, etc.

As you verbally express yourself. Things will become clearer to you. I promise

You are not a disgrace.

You belong with us.

Welcome

Brenda

[Guest unsolvedmystery]

thanks every one for your help! sigh just feeling so lost, but things get better every day. i just can't stand being a 'normal' woman any more. but now i have conflicting thoughts on what to do about my appearance. when you look at me i'm a total female, but when you get to know me i'm more like a guy (i ride blikes, love rugby, check out chicks like a guy -lol-) but i want to stay female. but i think i want to experiment with less feminine clothing, but that can easily just make me look like a tomboy, to me that doesn't feel right, if i try dressing like a guy i want to do it properly and make people question what sex i am. the problem with that is i also love dressing like a normal feminine woman, especially love make up and heels (i'm quite short). ag i don't know. i can't really do both, it's all too conflicting. if i were to adopt on a more masculine identity, i would definitely cut my hair. but my femininity would be very upset about that. i'm trying to think of how to be neutral. just notsure how. i feel so silly... and when i'm dsating a woman when i'm in a feminine mood i want to be the one thst 'wears the pants' and when i'm in a masculine mood i want her to take control of things, such a contradicting complicated mess. i think i'm just many people screaming for a place in my life. i'm sorry ifi contradict myself, there's so many things overcoming me right now. dunno how to sort it out. i'm a very organised person, i hate labels but i'd feel better if i could simply know that i am a (insert label here). thanks again for the replies.

[Guest viv]

Your cool Hun,,,here to help. luv,viv

[Sally]

Well there is one more unsolved mystery here, why has no one asked you to come in and get comfy?

Why have we forgotten our manners and not offered you any cookies or hot cocoa?

Probably because we wanted to reassure you that you are alright and you are among friends - so much so that I have brought you those cookies and the hot cocoa.

I know that right now all you want is a label, a place to be, an identity but it takes time because gender is not either or it is a scale with infinite possibilities.

Look around and read, find a therapist trained in gender issues and you will find your place.

Life is a journey not a race, patience is your best traveling companion.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest unsolvedmystery]

just an update. i have finally snapped and cut my long hair into a short bob and for the first time in my life i've used gel. no clue if it looks alright but i can't put up pics to show. the girly side is protesting but another part of me is very happy and feeling so free. i'll see what the people at university say tomorrow haha, if they even say anything. i'm going to go to the hairdresser and get it cut shorter. i'm so excited i can't sleep, it's 2.40am here. my dad is going to freak, i don't care.

[Guest Lynnx]

i feel like a disgrace to the tg community. maybe it's best to just leave all this alone and try move on. i don't know! any opinions? i think if i was born male i would have been happy with it and want to be a male. i just really do love my breasts and curves etc, i think even if i were to cross dress as manly as possible i'd be clearly seen as a woman. sorry for this long question.

Believe me, you're not the only one who feels weird. Like a minority within a minority. I don't hate my breast either. I wouldn't even cut my hair short if people would see me for who i am with it long, but they don't. I also think that if i was born male i'd be happy with it. I am more butch, but i have a lot of fem qualities too.

You weren't a mistake. You just have take the time to know yourself.

[Guest unsolvedmystery]

thank you for the replies, they are always wonderful to read. well my dad noticed my hair and actually found it quite amusing, didn't even say anything when i told him i'm gonna go get it cut shorter. he's so busy though, hardly ever notices anything. i had a problem with drugs for a while, he didn't realise anything at all. any ways, not the point, everything is fine now. gosh i don't know what to say, i just never want to leave this site, i love reading all the topics.

[Guest Donna Jean]

thank you for the replies, they are always wonderful to read. well my dad noticed my hair and actually found it quite amusing, didn't even say anything when i told him i'm gonna go get it cut shorter. he's so busy though, hardly ever notices anything. i had a problem with drugs for a while, he didn't realise anything at all. any ways, not the point, everything is fine now. gosh i don't know what to say, i just never want to leave this site, i love reading all the topics.

That's easily fixed, hon......DON'T!

Everyone here holds each other up when they're down,.....

Maybe later I'll feel down and you can help hold me up....OK?

LOVE

Donna Jean

[Guest Evan_J]

Wow. Sound like a lot going on. First, you don't have to know all the answers and have it all sorted out and cataloged. The wanting to have a penis (yes, proper terms are excepted) doesn't indicate sexual preference one way or another. Even if you were transsexual and wanted to completely change sexes it doesn't indicate wanting to have sex with men nor women. It just indicates wanting to change your sex. They're totally separate and have to be dealt with separately . And honestly? I would think that its actually EASIER to break those two things apart and approach each completely separately. There are all kinds of trans people. There are all kinds of female-born people on this board. I'm usin that phrase purposely since "FTM" does mean "ending up male" and that may not be the ultimate goal of some of those peeps. An easy term (if you need one to stick on yourself) may be transgenderist. -meaning "not fitting inside the expected gender perimeters" that might be mentally/emotionally or for wanting an oppose sex body part. It includes crossdressers, autogynophelics, and a whole slew of other folks. So remember to pay attention to who's writing a given post (the av area on the left can give a lot of info ); some of em intend to transition in its entirety. Some do not. Some -like you- do not feel male but rather just want particular bits and pieces gone and replaced with something else.

Do I think you could find a doc to do genital surgery without wanting to completely transition? I'm pragmatic enough to know that honestly, however much there are "safeguards" in place against it and psychologists and doctors who would say "hell no" that somewhere out there is a doctor who for the right price will probably sew a bathtowel to your keister if you asked him.

So the question actually is not could you get it done, the real thing to sort out is do you actually want that and why.

BEST advice? Look for a gender therapist (someone who actually is a specialist in gender issues) to help you with actually knowing what the heck is going on.

If you want the armchair/something to gnaw on/ anyguy opinion, then I would say that a lot of what you're describing sounds like what in kind of clinical circles gets termed "fetishism" (and believe me I mean that in the most respectable way). It gets described as types of sexual fulfilment only attained by all or part of the body being or imagined as that of the opposite sex.

As much as we preach that "it all has nothing to do with sex", sexual stimulation/enjoyment is actually the distinguisher many therapists and professionals use in many instances between "what is transsexualism" and what is not.

When it is what is obtained or sought for then usually the individual is concluded to be a fethishist, paraphile, or crossdresser. (no insult is intended to the crossdressers, just saying how the definers define it)

(example: if you said/felt "when I think of having a penis and penetrating a man with it I immeditaly get aroused")

as opposed to:

(example: "I just want a penis because it will complete my body as a male, sure I'll enjoy sex with it, but its the woman or man I'm with that will be arousing me")

The second one is the transsexual /person who is a different gender than the body.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

You are what you are and that is fine.

Here at Laura's there is a diversity of which I have never seen anywhere else - and the common key seems fo be a gender dysphoria - which loosely translated means we DO NOT ACCEPT a binary 'sexual' world, an we translate that into 'gender.' We feel we are one way and our body shows us the other (trans) OR we feel both male and female (androgynous) OR we feel we sometimes want to show our masculinity if natal female or femininity when natal male (crossdressing) - OR something combining all that - OR even somehing that has none of that.

And the way to think about sexual orientation is to put it on the back burner, work out our gender feelings, then see what evolves. Generally we love whomever we love - whatever the mix - and actually, with the gender dysphoric, that can be anything - and the labels usually don't apply - they can't - we are not really sexual first, we are gender identity oriented.

Shift answered best in your case, to show you are not alone.

And then the girls and guys came in and said - WELCOME!

I think you have found a home!

YEAAAAAA

Lizzy

[Guest unsolvedmystery]

i got my hair done properly today! i'm over the moon. it's not styled at the moment but below is just a bit of an idea of how it looks, bit scared still to go shorter, especially considering how long it was, as seen in the pic below. and i decided to dye it too, just for an extra change. let me know what you all think,and if you don't like it i don't mnd, be honest :-)