20 Weeks Is Just About 5 Months

[Guest NatashaJade]

Greetings dear ones!

So my show is over! Yeah! I can mostly rest now...mostly. So a couple of very close friends came into town on Friday to see my play. My wife and I were in separate cars and so we eah drove one of our friends, my best friend aside from my wife with me. She and I chatted about the things we always chat about and I was so close to coming out to her. I really wanted to more than anything and I was going to yesterday when I got home from getting some work done. However, my wife had arranged for a major surprise party for me so instead of my best friend, just about all of my really close friends had come into town to share a birthday meal with me. So while I was very happy to see them all, I was a little melancholy because I had finally got the nerve to come out to someone other than my wife and the nerve I got went away as fast as they could all yell "surprise!" On top of that, I kept feeling like everyone knew I was hiding something.

This is a big issue for me lately. I feel that, in staying in the closet, I am actively deceiving people and because I hate doing that, they ll know that something is going on with me. Of course, this could just be me being narcissistic, but it is how I feel and it is usually accompanied by a good deal of melancholy. I just don't know how much longer I can go without letting people know.I want them to know, but I am also so frightened of the consequences that I run back and hide as much as I can, but still leave little bread crumbs, hoping that they will somehow find me out, or ask me directly what is going on so I can tell them in a way that is ever so passive aggressive. This is a secret I hate keeping.

Okay, so what are all those hormones doing to me this week? Well, mostly I notice that when I do eat too much, it is going to my butt, thighs and hips. My hips in particular are getting this extra fat which is a little harder and I can really feel the belt of my pants in that area. The hair on my arms is lightening considerably as well. Sometimes I feel like my face is changing, but I have lot weight and 4 sessions of laser have done a lot as well. I haven't seen a whole lot of new changes otherwise. I think that brain-wise, I have felt the changes I am going to feel. I haven't read that there are many real changes mentally beyond this point, but I could be wrong. There have been times this week, especially with the play, that I would have been seeing red before and not, while I get upset, I am just upset for a good reason and then come down from that fairly quickly. I am no longer plagued by violent thoughts. Now I jut get upset and am somewhat rational about the whole thing. Men who think women are the irrational sex are incredibly mistaken. We don't have a violence drug coursing wildly through our veins, now do we?

Alright, dear ones. I'll be around a bit more now, so Yay! I hope your worlds are not spinning wildly this way and that and, if they are, take a dramamine and keep a bucket handy.

luv

Gin

[Guest Donna Jean]

My dear, Gin......

I'm sorry about the coming out part....I understand that completely. I want to shout it from top of a building and just let everyone know...

And the surprise party was a double sided coin...on one hand it was sweet of your friends to be there...on the other, it sux that you couldn't tell anyone...

Bummer...

But, on the bright side....play is over...stress is down...you can kick back a little bit now and recharge your batteries!

Glad that you're back more....

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Guest NatashaJade]

My dear, Gin......

I'm sorry about the coming out part....I understand that completely. I want to shout it from top of a building and just let everyone know...

And the surprise party was a double sided coin...on one hand it was sweet of your friends to be there...on the other, it sux that you couldn't tell anyone...

Bummer...

But, on the bright side....play is over...stress is down...you can kick back a little bit now and recharge your batteries!

Glad that you're back more....

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

I know. I love that my friends were all with me (some traveled hundreds of miles to surprise me). It was just one of those weird things I had built up in my head to do and then it didn't happen. So I am really thrilled by the surprise and it was a lovely evening. My wife used my exhaustion from the play to keep it from me...sneaky.

And it is quite a bright side. I am looking forward to a semi-relaxing end to my school year.

luv

Gin

[Guest AshleySummers]

I know exactly what you mean about getting really close to telling someone and then not. Happens to me all the time now

Glad you can finally kick back and relax! Plus visit us more often

-Ashley