Rambling About Nothing In Particular.

[Guest Wingsonair]

It is 1:15 in the morning, and I am tired. I have school tomorrow, by the way. I'm 15 years old. Somewhat young, I guess, compared to others, but I don't know. I kinda like it that way. Makes me feel somewhat different, which I enjoy being at times.

I don't really enjoy sports, but anything else is a different story. Being said, I play the viola in my school's orchestra. It's not that well known as the violin, but that's okay. I like it anyways. Different is fun, isn't it? Not to say that I play it all the time, no, not really. But it's a great distraction from things; trying to learn songs by ear. You don't even have to buy sheet music to play. Just pick it up and think. It's also one of the greatest reasons I love to write; I don't have to be judged by anyone, and I can make whoever I want. Definitely not wherever or whenever I want, though. The characters, I create. They just take on their own personality, after that.

That's not to say that I'm much of a writer, per se; but I really do enjoy it. I can just take a journal or composition book around with me and scribble or write whatever; after that, I may or may not create a story out of it. It depends on the characters, really.

My family is a bit of the higher end of middle class. We live in a private community; however, we're not doing so well with our essential taxes and the sort. Not just taxes in money, but taxes in sanity. My mother's sister is dying of cancer, and there is nothing we can do to stop it, at this point. My father has suffered a plane accident in the near past, and the pressure on his back at times can be, not unimaginatively, excruciatingly painful. The relationship between my mother and her siblings are held together by threads, and threads so relatively gentle that they can be broken by a misguided email or a slipped word at a dinner party. Not to say there aren't good times, as well, though. I love them both very much, and nothing will ever change my opinion of them, nor will their opinion of me ever change... I hope.

I'm very self conscious of my pictures (and for good, good reasons). I seem to always have that wrongly placed shadow somewhere or even just a slight angle of my face that can make me disgusted by the photograph. That's another thing about me, I'm transgendered/a transsexual. It doesn't matter what you call me, as both mean virtually the same to me at this point. While some others may have their own ideals about transitioning, my reasons are very well known to me. I am disgusted by my body, to the point of depression. I attempt to hide under a layer of certainly shaped jeans or a placed jacket on my shoulders - only to be driver further to that repulsive point, when I take it off. There are things about me that no one knows, and some people will never know. When I walk to the freshman year of my Physical Education class,

I silently put on an act to avoid the attention. School is a depressing place for certain teenagers, and I am no exception to that silent rule. Once again, being called by the formal "Sir" or "Mr." will make me absolutely distraught; however, I have become accustomed to showing no emotion to the fact that I am discomforted by it. Even when I talk to my friends, this may happen; albeit the odd time when they will joke around with me, knowing full well that I am probably "gay, or something". "How right they are...", I would like to say, even though I fully realize the complications of doing such things.

I was born in the wrong body, is there really much I can follow up with? Yes, I could explain the fine details of things, but it wouldn't change anyone's major opinion. Go man up. Wear a tuxedo to your sister's wedding. Put on this tie right now, or I will take away you breathing rights. Get a haircut. Don't walk like that. Your voice is too high. You shouldn't smile like that. You won't be dressing like that in my house. Get out of here. We don't want you. Go away. Just go away.

Just many things that will put me down in life, it seems; however, my closest friends do in fact keep me going, whether or not they know they're saving me from a fate worse than death: loneliness. Friends, really do help, and I don't know where I would be without them. I wish they would be here for me now - but, that comes in due time, when both of us are ready to fully accept responsibility for everything that may happen. Until that day which will come in its own time, I will be trapped in this dusty closet with nothing to do, nowhere to see. My hair becomes dusty as I cannot even move inside my closet - I can only just barely see between the cracks. I'm hoping, that some day, someone will help my out of this dusty closet, and make me adjust to the brightness outside.

As a rambling, dusty-haired kid in a closet, my biggest fear is rejection. I have not experienced it much, which makes me fear it even more. Somewhat like trans/homophobia, in the way that what you don't understand, you are terrified of. The truth is, the only thing to fear is fear itself; and when that fear is moved out the way and you only have the fear of the fear left, sometimes, it may be better just to test if that fear is truly there anymore.

Sorry for rambling, but this is what I tend to do.

Either way, it's now 1:48, and I'm really, really tired.

(I don't think this belongs in introductions because this is mainly just me rambling about stuff. Not a proper introduction.)

[Guest Donna Jean]

As a rambling, dusty-haired kid in a closet.......

Well, one that I care about...

I don't mind the rambling at all...it gives a peek into your life and helps me understand you better.....

Hey, Hon.....you're right, not many know what the Viola is......

You see, I used to play it in a school orchestra, too...and I taught it, too....

I hope that you get enough sleep that you are awake in school today, and I also want you to know that I think you have cool friends.....

Hang in there, Baby.....

LOVE

Donna Jean

[Guest ricka]

Sweetie---your ramblings are beautiful and to your family here they are precious, just like you are!! It's not an easy path we trod as transgendered people at any age. Yes, we face rejection, isolation, ridicule and worse but with each other's help we transcend these things to become who we are. For me there is a nearly unspeakable joy I feel being a woman. My feelings are a woman's feelings and my body is a woman's body and my soul is a woman's soul. This did not happen over night. When I was your age I began developing breasts and it seemed my path was set to become who I am though I hid behind denial and depression far too long. I pretended far too long to be male but that happily ended in failure. Think of the sweetest notes of your viola---Hon those notes are who you are.

hugs, Ricka

[Carolyn Marie]

You know, hon, for a 15-year old, you write exceedingly well. I've judged writing all my life, so I know what I'm talking about.

That is a gift that will take you far in life, so nurture it and practice it.

Your post really does say a lot about you, and not just about how well you write. Despite your fears and uncertainties, I do think you know where

you are headed and how to get there. Whatever you don't know, we can help you with, and we will. I'm glad you have good friends, as that really

does make a difference, and so many trans-people your age don't have many, or any.

I look forward to reading more of your posts. Good luck.

Carolyn Marie