Problems Opening Up With Being Androgyne

[Guest Flistan]

I really wish I could talk to my mom more about my problems... I confronted her once in early January when I found out, but I didn't know enough back then to know that I wasn't just transgender but that I was more specifically androgynous, which she probably has NO idea what that is or even if it exists.

I tried confronting her about it a month or two ago, just on a side note, mentioning the forum here and something cool I found. She just sort of... sat there. I asked if she had heard me and she said yeah, she was... idk either distracted or sort of... I really think she's in denial or maybe upset?

Thing is, I didn't really present my argument properly when I first found out. I was just so happy and giddy that I sort of jumped in to it without knowing enough information, and her knowing more, it sort of lead me in to disbelief about myself (which I no longer have).

Mom said that transgender is obviously visible from birth only, because she's only known this one person who actually had a full transition in a church we used to go to a long time ago. She grew up in a very conservative household, and we are somewhat liberal and conservative in all aspects, so maybe hearing this makes her uncomfortable about herself.

Lately she's been referring to things through "what would Grandaddy approve of" sort of thing. I did a painting that gave her a little bit of concern, but it was a painting with meaning, not just suggestive themes. I'm not really sure if that has anything to do with her ideas or what- if she'll feel guilty if she makes "negative" acceptances of me.

She defended that she's had social/psychological education and that when I was growing up I liked girly stuff, like dress-up and jewelry, that I was always called the little "gypsy" and whatnot. I told her that there were things I remembered that defended my point, but I didn't want to tell her those things.

I was really upset hearing my true feelings being put down, it's like if you believed you could fly and you had wings but they were made out of paper and scotch tape, like your a kid just imagining stuff with weak fantasies. I felt really crushed, because I was seriously, overwhelmingly happy to come to the conclusion.

It's really hard since I have such a strong bond with Mom to talk about things that make us feel awkward or upset, so I don't know how to bring it up again, or even if I should. Thing is, I've told a lot of people about this already, that I want to get a summer job and she's either going to be wondering what I'm spending all my earnings on (a new wardrobe) or what's in the bags after I go shopping. Another problem is, I don't have my own car, so she's going to have to drive me to work and shopping unless I get a friend to go with me (which I might).

Although she said that she'd accept me for who I am, I know that she's in denial and that I'm just "in a stage" or something. I think my sister has it too, and she mentioned that. Thing is, my sister won't tell me to my face that she is, even though I've poked her about it a lot. But because of the confrontation with my sister, her slim experience, her feelings, my not-so-well defended argument, my history of my girly side/suppressed boyish side, how could she not think that I'm not just going through a phase?

I can imagine this would be a problem for a lot of androgynes, since we're sort of the "outcasts of the outcasts" as I've described it to friends. There are a few people here on the forum and/or the chat room that I've heard don't believe that androgynes are a legitimate identification, that it's just black and white. I can't really describe how well I feel about my own expression, but I can't believe that it would be a lie or all in my head... I understand how people can see it's not real, but how can I get to someone like my mom to say it is?

Or maybe I should just do whatever and not bother talking to her? I'm lucky enough to not have the desire to change my body(well, not enough to counter the risks vs gains), so that's not a problem. *shrug*

I wish I could get her to come here or something, but I just don't have the... idk will to get her on here. It's just too weird, talking about it and then me running away to talk to others here. She would probably be more so in denial if she were talking to a bunch of online, "biased" strangers.

idk...

My feelings just can't be a phase. I've had it since I can remember, I just never showed it and never knew about it.

[Sally]

Dear Shift,

You are far from alone here - my mother in her mid 80s will not speak of it - I am not transsexual - she knows that and that is the end.

I have lived 58 years pleasing others and her in particular - the woman who taught me to be tolerant and accepting of everyone and now turns her back on me.

To her it is not a phase or anything other than brain washing by the evil people on the Internet.

Life is so much simpler when you can just ignore anything that you do not like.

You must finally live for yourself and be who you are or you will waste so much of your life in a prison of their design but your own making.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Donna Jean]

Sally is so right, Hon.......

So many of us live our for society or other people and totally neglect how we feel, ourselves....

Until one day we realize that we are totally miserable...

Sally did it.....

I did it...(58 years)

Then I broke loose....

Don't let your self go as long as we did....address how you feel right now!

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Well - great advice from the "grand dames" here at Laura's. So I won't go there.

Shift - you have been here a while - and I really like your way of expressing yourself and your grasp of what gender dysphoria is probaly all about - especially as it affects you. But i have some additionl things I want you to think about - my opinions of course - free of charge and worth every penny!

One - please know 99% of the people here are questioning themselves - and finding out we are NOT in a binary sexual world. Add to that our needs to express ourselves visually (read that as in the body) as we really are - and how to do that? YIKES - complicated.

November 2008 - I came on Laura's for the first time- did I know what gender dysphoria was? NO! Did I know what transsexuality was? I thought so (WRONG). I had not been exposed to 'androgyny' - I didn't understand 'intersexed." I thought being in a body I didn't like meant I needed to be in one I DID like - and that was TOTAL TRANSITION!

Well- total transition works for me - BUT it ain't the universal answer to gender dysphoria, only one specific, custom made answer. Even true transsexuals sometimes do not need total transition - statistically? about 30% ever really transition - of the remainder, maybe 30% want to or are in the process, and maybe 40% never will.

The point? ONE SIZE DOES NOT FIT ALL. Hummmm... people forget that - even at Laura's

Two - you are self defined as androgynous, and you are probably correct (pretty smart, you figured it out). I am not androgynous - and although I am just finishing up that stage of my transition, I never wanted to stay there! YIKES - scary for me. It took my friend Mia (now gone from Laura's) to explain how she was BOTH female and male - and perfectly happy that way. It opened my eyes! I guarantee it was a new concept for me because I DON"T want that dual life. BUT Mia is genetic male and has need to sometimes be totally female - sometimes totally male - but more commonly BOTH male and female at the same time. I respect that now.

I dont know if genetic male androgynous are different from genetic female androgynous - that would be a great TOPIC - woah! But it doesn't matter because androgynous is androgynous - and I guess your assigned sex at birth will gave you a childhood that was based on what people thought you should be - so that is different. The point Androgynous is very acceptable - a a valid part of gender dysphoria - anyone her at Laura's challenges that? - you tell me and I wiill PM them.

Three - I think androgynous people are actually more common in numbers than transsexual people. And I just see a lot of it in the mainstream. I suspect it is somehow easier to accept that a person likes both sides of gender expression - easier to accept by the general community - than to accept a 'sex change' (which is NOT what transsexuality is all about). People probably think androgynous people are simply some form of 'gay." Just like they think of us transpeople as some form of 'life style choice." Weird to realize that. Being gay seems more acceptable to most 'mainstream' people

So your mom is confused. A liberal background hasn't prepared her for this exact condition in you - this need to be both genders.

Four - your mom! You are very close? KEEP THAT! Talk and talk and talk to her on this. Wear the subject out! Beat it into the ground! Get to the point you just laugh about it... that's what I suggest you do.

You are what you are. Your mom loves you. She will support you anyway she can- regardless if she understands or not.

Just work on it!

And Shift? It is a privilege to have you here - I have learned so much from you! NEVER go away!

Lizzy

[Guest Flistan]

Nyaw... I love you guys.

Made me tear up. 3:

Well I've got a lot of things to talk about with a lot of other people, Mom with this, my sister with fighting and a lot of complicated stuff, and an old friend about stalking me and not having a relationship with me later on, all conversations of which I have no idea how to begin or approach, the last two of which I need to do by tonight.

All really stressful. *sigh*

I just can't get in the right mindset to form the words for each.

I'm just not sure when or how to come across to Mom, since there's so much for her in an unknown world that is even more complex than we ourselves can understand. Then again, can we fully understand anything? o.0 I just have to open up the tiny wedge of definitions she has to expand it to how I can explain myself.

There were at least one or two people, I think on the chat that don't understand/believe in the term "androgyne" and I think I can, on a very rare occasion, identify with the term autoandrophilia, which really used to concern me just on my own morals. The terms autoandrophilia and autogyenophilia have struck some debate chords here I know. I don't really care about the identification any more, but trying to explain these things to someone else is really difficult. *shrug*

[Guest Cherri]

Hi Shift!

I can sort of relate to a degree...I'm angrogynous, falling in the middle of the gender spectrum. I told my mom when I found out that I was intergendered and she seemed to ignore it. I think she had the attitude "out of sight, out of mind". I really think she's not so much thinking I'm going through a phase as much as she is hoping that I am...

I know that there ARE gender identities besides cis and trans. I don't think that you should ever feel like it's not a real thing. I know what I am inside. You know what you are too. I mean, I'm male, but I wear breast forms around the house. I also have a goutee that I have no interest in shaving. All I know is that when I have to take those forms off and go into the real world, it feels like a I'm not whole anymore. I know I'm not trans because I wouldn't feel right as a woman, and I don't feel right as a man.

People can be really hard to sway in their beliefs, I think you know that by now. That doesn't mean that they never will, but I feel like if you can be happy with yourself, that's the most important thing of all.

Course, I'm really new here and there's a good chance I have no idea what I'm talking about. I just hope I helped a little at least.

On a side note, I really like the photography in your gallery! Very expressive.

Take care,

-Cherri

[Guest Micha]

Hiyas Shift, how's you doin on this front?

I can't really imagine having to describe this to someone who doesn't already know about it. I can't really describe it to myself, so yeah, I bet it's tough.