Self-erasure

[Guest Ryles_D]

Questioning Transphobia had a really interesting post a while back that I thought people on here might be interested in.

A few years ago I came out to a friend of mine in the queer community about being trans. I’d held off telling her for quite a while, as I honestly wasn’t sure she’d be very positive. Her immediate response was that while she didn’t know I was trans a few of her friends had asked her. She then launched into a discussion of why or why not people would think that, but I’d already made up my mind. I emailed her back that I didn’t see us going far as friends, and left it at that.

There was a time earlier in my transition when the discussion of whether or not I had passed as cis would make me nauseous. To not pass, as I apparently had not done with her friends, was the most embarrassing, shameful feeling I could imagine, and one with which I had strong motivations to self-harm . I had been taught by the culture I grew up in, by Doctors and counselors, and by other trans people that I must do one thing, and that was to pass. To not do so was failure, something for which I should feel shame. How glad I am, then, that I don’t believe that b******t anymore.

Passing is perhaps the central component through whether trans lives are considered ‘successful’ or not, and as such it is the central component of trans oppression. It is the part of our lives always up for debate in public, and by which cis people mark trans individuals as ‘other.’ I’ve written about this before, as a response to the cis belief that places self-erasure as trans people’s greatest fantasy, and my attitudes about passing remain the same: Passing is a system used by cissexist cultures to control trans people, to ostracize, and to justify violence perpetrated against them. Although passing is presented as a trans endeavor or desire, the truth is it is a system for cis people to identify trans people and to alert other cis people to their presence. Whether used to mollify trans people with suggestions that other cis people don’t know about their trans status, or to shame them because other people do, it is centered in the cis person’s perspectives and assumptions. It is the constant reminder that in the power relationship between cis and trans, cis dominates.

I transitioned in my early twenties into a medical system that elevated the young, the straight-identified, and those who cis people might not mistake for being trans (all things I was back then), and the value placed on passing was made clear to me very early on. The first time I ever reached out to the medical community for support (because before the era of radical trans self-empowerment that was the only system I knew about) I made an anonymous phone call to the Clarke Institute to ask for information. At the end of about 20 minutes of trying to scare me off the woman on the other end of the line finished with “No one passes 100%, how are you going to deal with that?”

How indeed? While I thankfully did not end up at the Clarke, my experience with Vancouver General Hospital was – if gentler – no less focused on transition as a process to be judged against cis ideals (of which passing is central). This accomplishes a great deal for cissupremacy. It sets up a paternalistic, gatekeeper relationship in which trans people are subjugated to cis “caregivers” as it makes erasure of transness the primary goal. As a trans person you are constantly under the scrutiny of cis eyes, reminded that should you fail to meet cis-centered ideals of gender you will not receive the support or treatments you seek.

The lethal catch-22 of passing is of course the ‘deceiver ‘role into which trans people and trans women especially are framed. Whether used by aggressors to justify anti-trans physical violence or theorists to justify theories of anti-trans rhetoric, to pass and be discovered could cost you your job, your position in community, or your life. The justifications of both the killers of trans women and exclusionist feminist writers are coldly similar. It quickly becomes clear one simply cannot be trans, passing or not, and expect to not experience violence for what you are.

I spent a good portion of my twenties living in quasi-stealth: While I told a very few people I was close to (such as lovers) I otherwise actively worked to distance myself from my past. Rather than being empowered in approximating a cis experience, however, my transness was a constant source of shame. The stress of living a life while constantly looking over my shoulder took its toll on my health, despite appearing on the surface as one of those trans lives which were ‘successful’ from the cis-dominant stance. As I got older and began to question assumptions I’d made about my sexuality (my experience of heterosexism in trans medicalization is a post in itself), then, I was very ready to ask questions about my own gender, my relationship with being trans, and my relationship to this system I’d apparently done well at but was nonetheless still feeling shame for. This questioning brought me to a process of finding comfort in my gender in ways that were never served by the cis focus of passing, and often actively worked against it. I began feeling more empowered by choosing not to pass, or at least by not trying to pass.

[Guest angie]

Passing Is A State Of Mind.

I have two really close girlfriends that in the eyes of (normal)

cisgendered folks do not pass at all. But each is very comfortable

in their roles,have no fear of being in public,care less what anyone

may think or say. They are living life Authentically. And it is these two

women who gave me the strength to be myself,and march ever onward

without a backward glance. Do I pass without question,no I do not.

Do I pass well enough to be extremely confident in my female persona?

Yes,without doubt I do. Will I care years down the road if someone finds

out my past,not in the least. We trans march to a different drummer,there

is no right or wrong,only what makes you happy.

Angelique

[Guest GinaBrandt]

Passing Is A State Of Mind.

I have two really close girlfriends that in the eyes of (normal)

cisgendered folks do not pass at all. But each is very comfortable

in their roles,have no fear of being in public,care less what anyone

may think or say. They are living life Authentically. And it is these two

women who gave me the strength to be myself,and march ever onward

without a backward glance. Do I pass without question,no I do not.

Do I pass well enough to be extremely confident in my female persona?

Yes,without doubt I do. Will I care years down the road if someone finds

out my past,not in the least. We trans march to a different drummer,there

is no right or wrong,only what makes you happy.

Angelique

Wow.. thank you. I don't know why but that assuaged a lot of my fears about passing. You're right, while I still really don't want to be an obvious MTF it's clear that I should focus more on not caring what others think.

[Guest angie]

Gina,

There reaches a point in RLE/RLT when you aren't seen

as anything other than the gender you are presenting.

You aren't obviously trans,you are just another woman.

You too will reach that point where being trans is just a

place where you came from,not who you are. Who you

are,is a woman named Gina...period.

Big Hugs of Encouragement,

Angie

[Guest AmyB]

The quote really resonated with me. I'm regularly (like every night) have nightmares related to me not passing. I'm still so embarrassed to be trans.

...But, that said, everyday I try to do things that are outside of my comfort zone and gradually (way quicker than it feels) I'm getting more and more comfortable.

The strange thing is though, is that no one else (e.g. work colleagues, friends, general public etc) is the least bit phased about me being trans. If I'd know this, I'd have transitioned when I was 5 rather than 25.

For example: No one looks at me funny in the street, and I always thought they would, so I wonder why they're not. People don't look at me in the street any more than they did when I was presenting as cis.

Either

1) I look male

or

2) I look female

or

3) I look trans and no one notices - everyone is just doing their own thing.

or

4) I look trans and no one cares.

I reckon it's mostly 3 & 4, and it'll get more and more 2 as time goes on. It's only us who worry about gender 24/7. My recommendation for people worried about looking trans: Dress appropriately for the situation, just do your own thing, go about your business, and everything will be fine. Everyone is too wrapped up in themselves to notice

[Guest ricka]

It really does get down to being comfortable in our own skins and as Angie pointed out we transpeople do march to the beat of a different drummer. Period!! Passing or not is so irrelevant to learning to just be ourselves. When I look in the mirror I pass as myself! That is what counts.

Hugs, Ricka

[Guest Lynnx]

Questioning Transphobia had a really interesting post a while back that I thought people on here might be interested in.

"The stress of living a life while constantly looking over my shoulder took its toll on my health, despite appearing on the surface as one of those trans lives which were ‘successful’ from the cis-dominant stance."

I have always thought that trying to hide a secret is ultimately very bad for you're health, whether you pass or not. It cause stress. Stress accumulates and causes illness. .

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I think it is time to reintroduce the "WALMART" test. Go into any Walmart. Look at the ciswomen there. By our standrds as transpeople, HALF would not pass!

So remember, even some women don't look as good as we MTF are learning to be.

And know that your transition will be forever, and is never complete. As a MTF you will be more and more what you are, as you live the life you were meant to.

Plus - like Angie says, if you pass in your own eyes, you will act the part. That attiude will telegraph to everyone else.

And we are our own worst enemies. Don't get so caught up in "passing" you forget who you are. I don't like that term much anyway.

So don't get MISREAD - be yourself and let the world know it!

Lizzy