Personal Integrity Versus The Human Heart, The Dating Dilemma Of Transsexuals That Have Yet To Transition

[Guest TracieV3]

Hello everyone,

First, I freely admit that I am a virgin, and have I never dated. But since realizing I am a male to female transsexual, I have come to realize another dilemma when it comes to any romance I may have with other another person.

That dilemma is of one's integrity versus the human heart.

One of the few things I value in my life is my personal integrity. My honesty with myself and those I trust.

And it is not pride I am talking about, it's my own moral code.

Please note, there is no offense intend for those in the situation I describe here. But for years, I read online about how some transsexuals kept denying their true feelings, they got married, had kids, until one day they could not take it any more and started to transition to the gender they were at peace with.

And in doing so, they put themselves and their families through emotion hell.

After reading dozens of such situations years ago, I swore to myself, I would not become that person. I would never put someone through that hell if I could help it. I would not lying to someone that I wished to be romantic with.

But in doing so, I have trapped myself by my own personal integrity.

I cannot use ignorance of my inner nature as a justification for dating.

And it would not be fair to the person I would be dating.

I know I will eventually transition, or die trying.

I am a male to female transsexual.

I have no interest in sexual intercourse as a man in anyway.

And the only reason I self gratification is as a form of very short term pain relief from my chronic pain.

And self gratification as a man still feels wrong in the physical sense for me. It is like my brain telling me it shouldn't work that way. And to be honest, I hate doing it because of the physical feeling of wrongness of it all. But is it one of the few things I can doing to stave off the other agonies I suffer. So, it is a horrible trade off for me.

Still, I am a human being. I have the same desires for romance as other human beings.

Though I have never had any close friends, I still desire to have someone to love, to be loved back. Just like everyone else.

And this inner conflict between my rational mind's integrity and my emotion needs is slowly, but surely, tearing me apart on the inside.

Too compound matters, if I did tell the person I was dating that on the inside I was a mtf transsexual that has yet to transition, they would likely react some combination of not believing me, be disgusted, or think I am uncommitted on personal issues. Any of these reactions would likely kill any possible romantic future.

This is why I have join this forum, I need help with such questions that I have wrestled with for years. And I don't know what the answers are. I don't know what do. Someone please tell what is the right thing to do on this. What is okay. How I should go about and approach these problems. Because the constant internal emotional conflict this is creating for me is making me sick to my stomach. It hurts on the inside to think about this.

Please help me...

Thank you for reading this,

TracieV3

[Guest Donna Jean]

Tracie.....

Honey, your personal integrity is admirable....

And one of the topics on this forum that gets things going is being honest with our partners or prospective partners...

But, It works differently for different people...

Me, for instance...I've been married to my wife for 30 years and I did recently come out to her and caused a lot of pain.

I do not consider that I deceived her all of these years because I never really understood what was wrong with me and that I could somehow control it..

Didn't happen...It controlled me...

But, if I were in your position and KNEW for a fact that I was a male to female Transsexual I would never silently enter into a relationship...

Armed with that knowledge, I'd be up front with a possible partner.

And we really don't know how anyone will react tou us until we tell them...it's crap shoot every time!

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Carolyn Marie]

Tracie, what you are feeling and the issues you're facing are those most of us face at one time or another.

Since you are not in denial of being a woman inside, as many of us were, you are in a position to control your

destiny in ways that we older TS were not. You don't have to hide who you are unless you need to for career

or other personal reasons.

I agree with Donna Jean; entering into a relationship with a woman, knowing with such certainty who you are,

and not telling her, would be deceitful and ultimately hurtful. You would have a choice of not telling her and ending

the relationship, or telling her and seeing if she were willing to stay with you through transition and after. The latter

would take a remarkable woman to accept and adapt to, but it has happened. On the other hand, if you feel that you

are a heterosexual woman, you wouldn't have any desire to pursue such a relationship, would you?

There are MtF's here who are in the beginning stages of transition who have entered into romantic relationships with

men. It gets very complicated, but it is possible to succeed. Some men seek out TS women for a variety of reasons.

But you need to tread extremely carefully in that arena, hon. A wrong choice can get you hurt, or worse.

You are wise to seek advice about this. I also suggest talking this over with a G.T., if and when you have one.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest doodle]

knowing what you know why don't you just transition and think about relationships later. transition is easier if you are single.

kelly

[Guest Cait]

Hi, I took matters into my own hands by going to clubs. Can't say I'd recommend it, but I'm getting old. I've been told to find a "Bi- Guy". I didn't experience a great amount of rejection from men, by revealing I am TG. Personality goes a long way. I'm ALOT more persuasive offline...

It seems it's hard for ANYBODY to find someone based on the men I talk to. The last one gave me a nice puppy dog, and my family likes her too.

That's about the best thing so far! (not including cheap thrills--that isn't love). I'm told there is someone out there for me, but i don't know...

Try to do some "dating" and meet a man you like. Yes, i had some adventures, but they went mostly nowhere,and you can end up feeling used.

good luck,

Katie

[Guest Hoslers_wife]

I will say as the wife of a ftm that there are people out there that will love you unconditionally. I LOVE my Nick more than anything in the world. He is my ANGEL. I can't put into words what that man means to me. I strongly believe that everyone has a Nick. My pride tattoo says "Love without fear" and I truely believe that. Don't be afraid to love or let someoen love you. There is nothing wrong with that. I can understand where your thoughts are coming from but I'm a strong believer in TG men and women coming out of the shadows of (I'm sorry to say this but I believe it to be true) the queer community and being proud. I wish I would see more of that. Nick disagrees with me but I think you would find more support and acceptance than you expect.

I don't know if my thoughts were correctly articulated so if this sounds off I'm sorry.

[Guest ricka]

Tracie, Hon, you never said whether you are sexually/romantically attracted to men or women, which of course has nothing at all do do with being an MtoF. Sweetie, like you i find self gratification as a male abhorrent. I am a woman. So I understand your feelings. I can tell you that there are people out there--men and women who are open to having relationships with us. Yes, there are risks putting yourself out there, but I can tell you as a heterosexual transfemale I find there a lot of guys out there who are interested and very open minded.

Hugs, Ricka

[Guest TracieV3]

Tracie, Hon, you never said whether you are sexually/romantically attracted to men or women,

I honestly don't know. Right now, I would probably been open to a relationship from any gender, I am just that lonely.

[Guest ricka]

Coincidently I had just heard from a male friend I'd been out of contact with since I started transitioning. I replied to his email and sent him pics of me as I am now and told him about my decision to transition. He emailed me back and asked me out to dinner.

Hugs, Ricka

[Guest TracieV3]

Coincidently I had just heard from a male friend I'd been out of contact with since I started transitioning. I replied to his email and sent him pics of me as I am now and told him about my decision to transition. He emailed me back and asked me out to dinner.

Hugs, Ricka

Congratulations. I hope you have a good time.

Tracie

[Guest Julianne]

Hi Tracie, you sound like someone who is very considerate and would never intentionally hurt someone.

As an SO of an MtF I must say it is definitely best to tell someone at the start of a relationship rather than later. I know it might narrow your chances but I believe there is a right person out there for everyone and and the right person will accept you for who you are.