A Belated Introduction

[Guest Girl Emily]

Hello everyone,

I wasn't sure I would ever feel comfortable enough here at Laura's to make a formal introduction

I simply followed my heart and answered where I thought I might be of help and asked questions as they came to me. I have revealed bits and pieces from my past if I thought they could help explain a point or show a shared experience. I am sure it would be difficult to form a proper image of me from these. So in the interest of friendship I will attempt to tell you a little story about me.

Born into a family as the youngest. I had an older brother by four years and an older half sister by eight years. My parents came from Christian homes and mine bacame one as well. At around the age of 4 I discovered the two genders when on a trip to grandma's house my mom needed to buy something and while my father and brother waited in the car mom and I went in and I convinced her to buy me a package of milk bottles for dolls that appeared empty when turned upside down. I was so excited when I climbed in to the car. I already had a doll with me so I quickly ripped the package open and started to play. My father said something to my mother about the purchase which she shook off with dignity. I paid close attention to what was said while I continued to play mommy. It was the last time I played with dolls.

Until the middle of second grade my friends were always girls. My bestfriend was named Kelly, we were inseparable. She was a bit of a tomboy and I was a bit of a sissy so we happily met in the middle. My world changed at Christmas break when we moved fifty miles away to an isolated farmstead. I was a social outcast until about two months into my sophmore year. I was desperately trying to become invisible in the crowd and to a large extent was succeeding. The incidents of bullying had declined significantly. My fifth hour study hall was in the cafeteria so we had to wait outside for fifteen minutes while it was cleaned and during the last five minutes we were free totalk and move around. One afternoon in the last five minutes two senior girls came to me. One was homecoming Queen and the other a popular friend of hers the second had lost her brother who was my age and in the eighth grade just before his death at basketball camp in the summer. The Homecoming Queen was also captain of our four time state champion dance line. They WERE the in crowd and came to me and sang "You are My Sunshine" infront of a hundred other students. From that day till Christmas break the invited me to join them before study hall started and introduced me to their friends and the homecoming Queens boyfriend who was on the wrestling team. I was invited to join and continued my junior and senior year. Eventually I earned the teams and coaches respect not fo being a great wrestler but because with a 0-6 first season when I wasn't pinned in one match. A 6-12 junior season when I received my letter I showed up my senior year and was 8-12 and becoming Athlete of the Week. Few people realized that I couldn't give up I owed someone to great a debt. The Christmas day of my tenth year the boyfriend who encouraged me to join the wrestling team suffered a tragic accident when he and his cousin went through the ice resulting in their death. The team, the school, his family, and girlfriend were all devastated in our own ways.

After graduation I joined the Marine Corps in his honor and earned a number of awards. My denial was fully seated in my life "I'M a Marine not a WM" or Woman Marine a some what derogatory term. They were still WM's and that is to be respected but they weren't Marines with a history back to the revolutionary war. So in this security I married.

We were young an looking for an escape that we found in the other. I alone away from home she had a mentally ill mother who was abusive. We did alright for awhile , but with my discharge our problems escalated and she was pregnant. I was a very involved father to be and attended every doctors visit. I went shopping for him we were a team. After an induced labor of 15 hours plus the previous day as am outpatient I cut the cord as I barely remained vertical. I went to every well baby doctor visit I dressed him, changed him, bathed him,

and played with him. For six months I was a second mother more or less. Then she took him to for a visit to her mothers and I went out of state on a job that would last all summer. I flew out to them on father's day returning late at night. The following day she showed up at my parents with brother and father asking for the apartment key so she could move out. We fought all summer and she visited me for one night before disappearing again. She called me on Saturday and said where she was. I had the next day off and it was only ten hours away so I hit the road. When I arrived at 8am the hotel said they were gone. I called the police and when the manager stepped away from the doorway what I saw at the end of a dark hallway crushed my spirit his empty crib.

In the games played in divorce I lost meaningful contact with my son. I worked for a few years then went to school. After taking summer school. I burned out mid fall semester and dropped out. A drifted around for awhile becoming more depressed I started another long term relationship with a woman I later learned was pregnant. Like with my first son I was really involved. When the baby was 2 years old she just left with him and never came back. I had lost another child. I started using drugs and my depression worsened to the point I attempted suicide. A week later I was admitted to a mental ward. Then I underwent treatment as an impatient. It was arguably the best in the country. The director wrote most of the DSM-IV section on addiction and addiction therapy. A month after completing the inpatient portion I was hospitalized again for a week. Over the next year I overcame my addiction problem but the depression continued. In my tiredness I accepted my transsexualism and felt relief and a the depression lifted to a large extent.

This was my story, I tried to hit the high points

[Guest Jean Davis]

Finally an introduction post.

Well I'm happy to be one of the first to greet you Emily.

So Welcome to the family, so nice to meet you.

I'll go see if I can find Sally and Donna Jean so they can get some cookies and cocoa for you.

I know they're around here someplace.

But on a sad note, you do know what this means. We have to reset your post count back to 1, formalities you know. Hope you don't mind. A brand new start with a wonderful introduction.

LUV

Jean

BTW I'm just kidding about the post count thing. Got you.

[Carolyn Marie]

Hi, Emily. I'm glad you finally posted your introduction, and it was worth waiting for.

You have had a lot of tragedies in your life, and I can't even imagine the pain of losing two children that you loved

to unthinking and uncaring mothers. It is no wonder you fell into the grip of depression.

I am very glad that you're on a better path now, and hopefully those traumas are far behind you. Someday, your

children will come to seek you out and give you the chance you never had to be a parent.

You've been a big contributor to Laura's in your short time here, and I appreciate it very much. I hope you stay around

for a long while, because you are now officially part of the family.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Amber Jean]

Emily, its wonderful that you spoke up with your story. I think in many ways its therapudic to all of us, but also to yourself. I know for me when I am able to clear the air, it puts me in a very relaxed and peaceful mindset. I'll also take you up on your offer you left on my post to talk some time. Send me a PM and we can figure something out. I've read so many of your comments to posts, but its nice to meet the woman behind those comments in your introduction. Smile Hon, your among friends here....

Amber (still weird using this name exclusively) Formerly Marci

[Guest NatashaJade]

Emily,

Thank you for sharing your introduction with us. I'm glad I read this at home instead of at work, or I would have had to explain my tears. I cannot think of anything worse than losing my children. That you are still with us is a testament to you. I'm happy that you are here with us now.

luv

Gin

[Guest Donna Jean]

Emily......

Welcome to the Playground

Honey...It would be an honor to get you the hot coco and Sally's Double Chocolate Chip cookies..

You didn't get yours at first and now I'm happy to to get to be the one to offer them to you!

And, I have to tell you...I REALLY enjoy you being around here and I like your style of posting...you have a real insight..and a ton of compassion....

Emily ...Honey, I'm glad that you're here!

LOVE

Donna Jean

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Emily,

<<hug>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We have MTF meetings-Mon & Sat 9pm est, and you are welcome to attend.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna

[Guest KellyKat]

Hi Emily

Who says that you can't have a second chance at a first impression?

We arrived here around the same time and I have loved you sharing in posts.

Your kind words and compassion have shown us who you really are.

Thank you for your introduction and sharing of your past.

It only helps to show your strength and determination.

Luv Kat

[Guest Shane_82]

Welcome

~ Shane

[Flint]

Welcome to LP

[Guest Pól]

Hey Emily,

It's good to know more about you-- I've always enjoyed reading your posts. You're already here, but welcome again!

Pól

[Guest Girl Emily]

Ladies &Gentleman

Forgive my late response to your kind words. I have enjoyed my time here at Laura's. I hope to develop long friendships with many people here. I hope I will have the opportunity to meet you in person someday. The pain of loosing my babies is one I will never get over, but I must carry-on. If given the opportunity to have a child in the future I will pause before taking it. I am fairly certain I would not survive another being taken away. It is good to recognize those limits you are not yet ready to cross and additional children for now is mine in sadness. I am so touched by the stories posted. They remind me of how far we have to go.

It brings me great joy to read that you have enjoyed my posts. I try to be supportive following the fine example set by those before me.

Huggs,

[Sally]

Dear Emily,

I just got here and noticed that you had finally posted an introduction.

I am so sorry about your losing your children, I work in a mall and as such I see parents who could not care less what happens to their children - allowing them to run wild through the mall and on the escalators - one day not long ago a five year old got his hand caught under the end plate at the bottom of the escalator, I heard the screams an hit the stop button, several employees ans managers rushed to his aid and freed his hand from the escalator - his parents walked away without even bothering to comfort him, they have their children with them and don't even care and you, with all of your love and caring are separated from your children.

I have often wondered why it is that most people never realize just how wonderful children are but for some of us with the condition known as transgendered they are something a bit more than just the future, they are representations of the past that we long for - happy and totally unaware of the troubles ahead.

I am so glad that you are here, I enjoy reading your posts so I am very happy to welcome you to the forums officially although it is a bit late.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest ricka]

A warm welcome, Emily and thanks for sharing about yourself. Sweetie, you have overcome a lot in your life and this is what we all have in common and binds us together as family. While I feel a deep sadness about those tragedies in your life at the same time I feel a deeper respect and admiration for you to come through each of them to be the woman you are today.

Hugs, Ricka

[Guest Jennyw157]

Hey Emily,

What a touching introduction....I'm in tears, I'm new here at Laura's trying to deal with my own, all so simuliar ordeal. Welcome, and thanks for sharing your story, it helps newbies like myself to realize I'm not alone in this and gives me courage to continue on....

Huggs,

Jenny