Advice/cooling Off

[Guest Emily H]

The cooling off part is definitely true. Nearly one am on a Sunday night, school tomorrow. Its very, hot too.

Anyway, I have a bit of a dilemma, and I have discussed this type of topic with my therapist, but I want to hear what others think.

Today I spent nearly one hundred dollars on clothes. A dress, three panties, a bra, a skirt and a top. And...

Some fetishy clothes.

About twenty seven dollars went to buying a long line bra and a three pack of nylon undies. I have a bit of a, erm, thing, for complicated/restrictive underwear.

Anyway. Its not until when i went to bed that I tried these on in secret. I could not get to sleep. and I had a bit of a romp with these items...

Now, here is where the thinking comes in. After sexually relieving myself, especially if it involved female clothing props, I have an EXTREME crash. I almost immediately tear off the female clothes and jump into male clothes, and through my mind are sudden thoughts off "My crossdressing is a waste of money why did i spend hundreds on female clothes".

I think this has to do with a couple of things, one, my confusion and exploration, of my female side, both every day and sexual, and indeed, my overall sexual feelings, and another conflicting feeling of the financial practicality of my crossdressing. If I were wearing female clothes all of the time then I think that I would stop worrying about the money but as it is, it is still an issue. The sexual part...I guess I will have to work that out myself completely. As for the clothes for wearing as a full time female would, I get over the cost when I manage to get all dressed up.

And, another thing, for a long time I had no desire, or even thoughts, of being Emily. None. None. At all. But when I realized it had been a very long time...

Nothing. Still, nothing.

But. A bit of talk with my therapist and some visits to browse around here, and the fun I had shopping for clothes...

I can't wait to post pictures of my clothes tomorrow. The dress which I tried on very briefly might be too small....Im not sure. But the skirt and top. They will look amazing.

But, three major questions,

Will if feel good to finally be female again? Or will it be more of a hassle, as my logical thinking mind, that thinks of 'priorities' and 'time' thinks?

I would like that twenty seven dollars back since I don't have a job (yet). Every single part of me wants to return the fetishy clothes back for a refund, except for that one part of my sexual person. What should I do?

Is my crossdressing for sex? Because, casual clothes, and shopping, and acting feminine... turns me on. It also, doesn't. It varies. I don't think anybody could answer this. Not even me.

But maybe somebody has had similar experiences?

Wow. One AM. Ill be hearing that alarm clock for school in five hours.

Emily

[Guest Wendae]

I went thru the same thing and I would imagine many others have as well. You can purge, go for long periods without the urge and swear not to do it again. Unfortunately the urge will return with a vengence (at least it did with me) and you will find yourself back at square one. Some learn to accept crossdressing earlier than others and others struggle to cope. You will have to come to terms with yourself but know you are not alone. Read thru the comments here and you will see how diverse we all are and hopefully it will give you some peace of mind. Most importantly don't let ot depress you.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

COMP-LEE-CATE-ED

Here is one for you... I had the same doubts - because I had the same thing of self-gratification , then hastily going back into male mode. I also knew a good part of the thrill was from the danger of crossdressing. Plus BUYING the clothes was such an adventure - so... exciting!

BUT

I knew I probably wasn't just a crossdresser. What I was experiencing was the erotic part of my fantasies - brought on by those hated male hormones - confusing the hell outta me!

Okay - I confess. I am transsexual. Know that now - always knew but denied it. That 'erotic' behavor and the quick undressing had me convinced I was really just perverted, and after erotic satisfaction, well sorta.

HOW TO KNOW THE REAL STORY?

Here is how I found out there was more (other things to, but this was a real eyeopener). I tried self-gratifing BEFORE dressing, then fully dressed - EVERYTHING - to see how I felt. Being non aroused, and dressed told me I had more going on than I knew, becuse it felt so right!

If I had felt sorta - blah - nothing - then I dressed only for the thrill.

AND

I then stopped with the really fetish things like latex, black lace, garter belts and such - forcing myself to dress like a natal woman, for my age, for the season, for the styles of the time.

Again it gave me such a sense of peace, just being a normal girl - I just melted! No fetish dressing was required anymore - I just began at that time to groom myself as a woman would, keeping my body softened with lotions (especially the face), keeping my nails groomed - a hundred other things women, but not too many men, do.

Again, if I had felt I was losing something by NOT going the fetish route - then I was doing it for the excitement.

BUT

Essentially, I accepted myself.

Then I knew better where I wanted to go. May not be where you are going, but maybe it is. This is a way to tell.

Are you dressing to show a feminine side, or to BE female?

Hope this helps

Lizzy

[Guest Emily H]

Hm, interesting responses so far.

Wendae, as a whole I have accepted my feminine side, my cross dressing. I don't see it as negative. Maybe, some small, unconscious parts of me are still dealing with that, and maybe there is the massive denial of something more, but still, consciously, Im trying not to deny anything. But, is not accepting, a way of denying?

Lizzy, thank you so much for your insight. I can definitely relate to some of the things you have shared, if not all. Honestly, I dress for thrill and to be a woman. I absolutely love this feel of just sitting here in front of my computer, in my brand new skirt and top and underwear, not to feel feminine but because, it is, girl. Girl feeling. Not physical, but emotional, mentally.

I know for a fact that my dressing is not for sex/thrill alone. Why? While it may sometimes be hard to get started, once I have truly left male world, I don't feel male at all, im completely female except for that stupid bulge you'd see in my panties, I don't want to go back, at all, to being male. I like, the feeling of panties, bras, skirts, long hair, being natural. I want to shave my legs and paint nails and use lotion and moisturizers and...a lot. Of things. And, when its time to go back to male mode (which, with the private time I get, happens to be the same time i start feeling naturally feminine), boxers, pants, shirt? BORING.

*sighs*

But. The sexual part?

I think, I might indulge in what I have. Sexually I always view myself as a woman. If any fetishes fit into that, heck, why not act them out as long as Im not hurting anything/putting a gaping hole in my wallet (I wish it was purse but :/)?

In other news...

I LOVE the skirt and top. Im going to get pictures soon The dress, should be double XL, ah well I can exchange it for a larger size. The casual panties? Cute and perfect for girls my age, and they fit comfortably, but not perfectly due to, erm, ehem, that stupid...yeah. And that bra I might have mentioned? Wow, listen to me, making so much fuss over ONE bra? Well, its plain, whit,e hard cup, under wire, fits AMAZINGLY. I love it, I'd never take it off if it were sanitary (and if I could stay feminine the whole time).

Im goign to have to be male again in about an hour....Oh well. Time to frolic. Gah, I wish i could go outside, feel the breeze on my skirt .

Emilyy

[Carolyn Marie]

Emily, in some respects my response is like Lizzy's.

In my younger years (20's - 30's) fantasies and physical pleasure were a part of my cross dressing.

Then, I gave it up for love and marriage. Twenty years went by.

When I began buying clothes again last year, I wondered if I would have the same feelings.

When I tried on those new female clothes again...surprise!...no sexual feelings at all. Just a

feeling like I was dressed as I should be, as appropriate for a woman. It felt completely natural.

That was another in a string of events that led me to the conclusion that I was TS. What if I

had experienced the sexual thrill as in the old days? I don't know for sure, but I'm certain I would have

been very confused.

Like Lizzy said, this stuff is complicated. That's why a lot of us end up in therapy - not just to get

that hormone letter - but to help us get past the confusion and conflicts and doubts.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Donna Jean]

What the hey?

Do I hear an echo in here?

Yeah, me, too...

Emily, my past pretty much mirrors Lizzy, Wendae and Carolyn's...

It seems to be a very common scenario for us Transwomen...Our pasts seem to be very similar in so many ways related to what you're talking about.

I don't think a gender therapist would have to talk to any one of us very long to see what's going on!

It's just the way it is.....

LOVE

Donna Jean

[Guest ricka]

Emily---the only real problem may be the amount of money you are spending on clothing if you are on a limited budget.

Clothing is very much an outward expression of who we are as women and Hon there truly is a great deal of sensuality that many of us experience being the women we are on the inside. I think this comes with the territory once the woman inside of us awakens. But then we also have to contend with male bodies and male hormones and it is not always easy to sort it all out into a seamless pattern of who we are. At your age your male hormones are going to be stronger so understandibly there will be more wrinkles in the fabric that is you.

Hon, I very much want to encourage you to talk this over with your therapist and hopefully you have a therapist you feel open and comfortable with and a therapist who is comfortable talking about sexuality (not all therapists are.) The emotional crash you describe is not abnormal after self gratification for males---it's just a physiological, biologically-determined reality, Hon. But it is a point where males are especially vulnerable to self-recriminations, especially if their ejaculatory fantasies are not normally acceptable to them. And still in our day and age self gratification itself is taboo for both men and women. Making lemons out of lemonade: use your post ejaculatory time to learn to accept and embrace your femaleness on a non-sexual level. In the end this is what is the most important.

And a final thought: At your age your sexuality may well be in a formative stage and can seem ambiguous at times. This is not unusual, though it can be very confusing when one is trying to attach labels to what one is feeling---just another darn biological reality. We used to believe that sexuality was pretty much set by puberty but the reality it is not for everyone.

Hope this might be helpful, and comforting--- Hugs, Ricka

[Guest Danielle2]

It's shocking how much many of our paths to where we are now mirror each other. Many of us are in different places or stages now, but it seems as if several of us had starts down these paths that were somewhat similar. Sexual self-gratification and dressing went hand-in-hand (sorry, no pun intended there!) in my late teens and twenties. Now that I am on the plus side of 40 *ugh*, the sexual aspect of it has diminished greatly. Granted, it hasn't gone away completely, but there was a time during my college years where I couldn't and wouldn't touch myself unless I was wearing at least one article of women's clothing. I too remember such an exhilarating rush during those particular times and then, at the moment it was over I was ripping off my femme clothing and wondering to myself, "What in the hell is wrong with me?" A complete 180 in a matter of seconds. Pure gratification one moment and absolute disgust the next. No my dear, you are not alone. Nor am I. I just never realized how "not alone" we actually were.

To echo the thoughts already posted by several of our dearest friends and confidants, have patience and don't beat yourself up. Although we are all so similar in so many ways, we are just as different in other ways as well. We dress for different reasons. None of those reasons are worse than the others, just different. My reasons for dressing have changed over the years. Yours may too. Then again, they may not. So what? Who cares? Different strokes for different folks. Take heed in the title you used for this post.....Cooling Off. There are points in everyday life were cooler heads normally do prevail. It is no different in this situation.

I am a cross-dresser. Nothing more and nothing less. There are things I feel or things I do that don't always make a lot of sense to me. I get that now. I'm tired of beating myself up over it and I guess I'm tired of trying to understand it. Such is life. To be honest, I hope this information helps you as much as it did me. Sitting here and thinking about your situation made me rethink some of my own doubts and queries. Answering this post was actually therapeutic for me. I hope you can find refuge in it too. However, I remember how difficult that was for me when I was your age. The difference is, I was all alone back then. There was no internet. There were very few support groups. I didn't know that there were as many people out there in similar situations. I thought I was a freak. You have all these wonderful resources and opportunities that people my age and older didn't have. CONTINUE TO USE THEM!!!! You may not feel like it now, but you are very lucky in that respect.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Emily hon,

The human experience is very complicated. Regardless of the reasons, it is very common for crossdressers to feel guilt and purge the clothing just bought. I too went through the shame and guilty feelings after buying and wearing "womens" clothes. My guilt did not stem from sexuality, but from the feeling that I was born male and hence should not be indulging in this kind of activity.

Sweetie, the day will come when you simply let go You will embrace your crossdressing without fear, without regret.

I no longer see myself as a crossdresser. I wear my clothes.

Love

Brenda

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Emily hon,

The human experience is very complicated. Regardless of the reasons, it is very common for crossdressers to feel guilt and purge the clothing just bought. I too went through the shame and guilty feelings after buying and wearing "womens" clothes. My guilt did not stem from sexuality, but from the feeling that I was born male and hence should not be indulging in this kind of activity.

Sweetie, the day will come when you simply let go You will embrace your crossdressing without fear, without regret.

I no longer see myself as a crossdresser. I wear my clothes.

Love

Brenda

Good point! Go buy the clothes you want. Wear them. They are that - YOUR CLOTHES! Accept it at that level.

Elizabeth Anne

[Guest Karen Marie Harris]

All of you are going to hear a very definite echo because I think this is a part of all of

us when crossdressing. The first few years we are VERY excited and after each

episode while undressing there, I imagine, alot of us would play around before we

completely get undressed. This of couse, mellows us out somewhat and after putting

away the clothes we can maybe go for a couple of days and it starts over. It seems

that after a year or so, things settle down a bit and we find out if we are really

serious about dressing after all. After a while, I think we (most of us) can go forth

(and leaving the sex behind) and truly develop our skills and really be proud of

ourselves. This is when we can develop our make-up skills, hair and matching the

blouses with the skirts and shoes and don't forget the jewelry.

Hugs

Karenmarie