Support Groups

[Paula ult]

I belong to a trans support group in Cleveland, Oh called TransFamily, it was started by the parents of an FtM child and has been in operation 20 years, this past year our membership has dropped way off, when i started going in December 2008 there were at least 40 people in attendance, the last few meetings there were between 15 - 22, allot of the regulars do not come anymore, it could be that they do not need much support, they are getting on with their lives, the location is too public, the LGBT center is in a city and there are quite a few people around, maybe they are bored with the meetings or do not like the format, time of year or the internet resources that are available, allot of new people come to one meeting but never come back, what ever it is causes the founders and i great concern.

Our meetings are held once a month at the local LGBT center, the founders moved the meetings from their home because of the numbers of people in attendance, over 80 a few times many years ago, i doubt the number of trans people has gone down that much, the meetings go like this, there are announcements followed by going around the room with everyone doing introductions, if there are enough people we will break into groups MtF, FtM and a general group for those that do not care to go to either, sometimes we have a guest speaker, we usually have time after the meetings to chat till it is time to leave, afterwords some of us go out to dinner.

My question is how does your group work, assuming you go to one, what format is there, if any, where are they held, i need all the details so we can try to build the group up again, i have a few ideas:

Possibly move the meetings to a home again - more private

Have get togethers in between the monthly meetings - have small groups at different peoples homes.

Go places in between monthly sessions - dinners, zoo, shopping, movies etc

Have more guest speakers - therapist, endo, makeup, clothing etc, and of course something for the guys .

Do more speaking engagements to enlighten others in the community about trans issues

Feel free to add any ideas you may have to help us make our group stronger.

Paula

[Guest WastelandBoat]

I'm not in a group (..yet), but something that's always been an ice-breaker for me for ANY get together with strangers that share a similar interest or something in common..

Art groups "Art Bashes" at a home or restaurant. Where everyone just sketches or draws.. creates a piece and talks openly with everyone. (yes I draw, but haven't done anything new in a while).

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I have a strange reply for you. I am active in the transperson support group of the local GLBT here in New Orleans. It usually has about 15 to 20 people attend. I stopped going recently because the format never changed - a round robin introduction and an update, like a theraphy support group. It would end with announcements and sometimes the moderator would have a topic like changing your name on a Louisiana Driver's license. I made great friends. BUT many I wanted to know dropped out. For a while, other than the chairperson, I was the only MTF.

And I lived 54 miles away! Now that I am living in New Orleans I might go back. BUT - the point? Our moderator was very off-putting! She was more like a female tugboat captain. It was co-chaired, but if this one person was there, the discussions seemed worse somehow.

And I was in the GGA - Gulf Gender Association. It also included crossdressers which was definately different. BUT I only went to two meetings. The CDers would take it over, somehow. Their issues are important but don't really apply to transpeople. An we had the same moderator that was in the GLBT group.

So the point? A clear mission statement is needed. Leadership is important but needs to be rotated. Groups need to NOT be a particular person's possession or always dominated by a strong personality. And Cd and Trans don't seem to mix well. MTF and FTM do well in mixing - as we are actually very similar.

And we would get first timers and the would not come back. Donno why - probably too intense having that round-robin thing.

Hope this helps

Lizzy

[Guest]

Hi Paula,

Seattle is blessed with the Ingersoll Gender Center. I copied this from their web page: "Ingersoll has provided peer support services continually for over 1800 consecutive weeks without exception, through blizzards, on Christmas day, without fail". That translates into 35 years! They have two formats on opposite weeks - one with breakouts and another with just a general group meeting. There have been about 50 attendees the two times that I've gone. The format is much the same as yours: there's an introduction period, a short break, and then either general discussion or breakout discussions. Ours is moderated by an MTF about my age who does a good job of keeping the meetings on track.

I'm not sure if I'm 100% sold on going myself. Some of that is just my own personality, but Laura's has been a better support site than the group could ever be. That's because the written format allows browsing of subjects old and new that are of personal interest. The group discussions were nearly all repeated somewhere here on Laura's. About the only support that they can provide is the local information - how to find a local GT, who does laser locally at a good price, how to do a name change. I do however very much enjoy meeting others face to face, and am going to continue to make as many of the meetings as possible just for the personal contact.

Unfortunately, I don't have any good ideas for improving yours or for increasing your attendence. It seems like the same formula that you have is working well in Seattle. But, your ideas about meeting more often might help - it would be easier to develop bonds that could help the membership stabilize.

I also belong to a CD club here who has weekly outings - once again I haven't attended many, but hope to do more of that in the future. Their format is more about entertainment, and there's some advantage to that as well - just being out in the public without personal concern is great support in itself.

I hope this helps... Love, Kat

[Guest doodle]

I attend a group in NYC at a lgbt center. It is different. The men and the women are separated. At first I didn't like this but after I attended a mixed group I believe the separate way is better. Men and the women have different issues. It is a mixed group cd's to post op. We all learn from each other. They don't really do break out groups preferring to have a large group so that the ones that are further along are models for the ones that are starting out. The group has a topic. We mostly stick to the topic No cross talking. Many trans women live stressful and isolated lives, myself included few if any friends, so it is hard to open myself to others after ten weeks I need a break

One of the best things about the group is after it ends for the evening at least half of us and it is an ever changing group go out to a diner or restaurant and eat. The nice thing about having dinner is we are out in the world and that makes for a very normal feeling and that you never know who you will be sitting next to so we can really get to know each other. During the breaks.if someone wants to talk or be with other trans women which is a real need for me sometimes . It sorts of grounds me , I'm not explaining that well. We meet at the same place and time and we go out to dinner that is neat

Kelly.

[Guest Evan_J]

I stopped going recently because the format never changed - a round robin introduction and an update, like a theraphy support group.

You sure you weren't goin to the same support group I was just in a different state? lol

I used to attend a support group here. It was formated remarkably like the one Elizabeth describes and , like many of you have reported, attendence dropped off. I have the slight confirmation about why, in that the things I was being discouraged by I did get to hear others remark on those same features when we were away from the meeting before I finally drifted; the format was stagnent, pat, and non-conversational. Every week it was "the same thing" no one felt like they got a chance to "know" the other person during the meeting or interact in human ways , just sit silently waiting your turn. Thats not a a meeting. It droning. There were one or two rare instances where a different mtf than the regular facilitator conducted the group. The regular facilitator was (if I can borrow Elizabeth's description) "like a female tugboat captain". She was great at "keeping things on track" but she also kept things very dry and inpersonable. You never left feeling like you learned anything about being trans, being mtf, being ftm, or transitioning. All you did was hear "well , I went and got my name changed this week" "oh ? good for you". People want to know whats in store for them I think. They enjoy the other persons story when then get to talk to them. As opposed to parroting into the silence through Miss Tugboat Captain and letting the other people present just pick it up because they're there. They want to know about what is it to be mtf and get to know someone.

At least thats my opinion.

[Guest Michele H]

For some, a large group can be intimidating and not very condusive to forming friendships. I went to a support group (2 times a month) for about a year that was actually part of the therapy. It was a bit different than what you are describing. We were all at about the same place in our lives and there were both FtM and MtF in the general group that would meet jointly and then would break into separate groups. It was designed as part of the therapy and was therefore structured and was of fixed duration (we graduated so to speak. I did not form any friendships during that time and rarely went out with the group afterwords - In part because they usually went to a gay/lesbian bar and my bar days are a real distant memory but mostly because I carried a protective shield that kept people from getting to know me. That is something I am still working on. , I did form some connections that are resulting in some friendships. Some of us are talking about doing a 'class reunion'- maybe this fall and after surgery, when I have time, I can organize that.

I did enjoy meeting with the trans guys as it gave me a different perspective - going in, I was a bit jeoulus/angry - "trans guys have it SO easy, they can wear anything they want and nobody will say anything. I mean, I can remember when the fad was to where men's boxer underware as shorts - it became so popular, that manufactors starting marketing them with the fly sewned shut" - needless to say, I LEARNED.- There is a long standing group in the cities that is primarily social and primarily CD's. I did go to one of there events - I dinner at a resturant I wanted to try but didn't feel any real connection with anyone in the group.

I think part of the problem with these groups is that we 'get on with our lives' and the on-going support groups tend to be stuck in the beginning stages - great resource when you are starting out, but not so much afterwards. I find better social support by going to 'meetups" (meetup.com) and joining groups with a shared interest like cooking, bike riding, book club - again, havent formed any friendships but I do generally have a good time.

[Guest SusanKG]

Hi Paula.

I joined my support group at our first ever meeting in December, which was started by my therapist, though facilitated by the members. We currently have 15 members and 3 or 4 S.O.s, from 7 or 8 the first time, and have had 5 or 6 once or twicers that then have disappeared. We are approximately 50 % F-2-M, none who are post-op, and 50 % M-2-F, one who I believe is post-op. Most are in their twenties; at 64 I am the grandma. The whole group meets twice a month, though if we keep growing, due to meeting facility size mostly, we have been discussing how to have break-out sessions, which I hope for. Several or most members gather a a nearby restaurant after the meeting, though Saturday night is TV night with my wife, which I am not going to interupt anymore then I have to, so I haven't attended the social meetings.

We have been investigating how to reach younger transgendered, which creates possible problems. I would like to know how other groups handle that issue.

I like the idea of guest speakers on various topics.

I share the thought of Elizabeth about cross-dressers. We had one early on. T the third meeting he came fully (and well) dressed. He didn't come back. I guess it was to show off.

Good topic Paula. I hope it keeps going.

SusanKG