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A Vent >.<


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Guest Lee-Asher Geo-James

Well, as most of you know I got engaged recently. That's like one of the highlights of my life right now. And the fact that I have this site plus Chat.

But anyways.

I live with my mother (as I have posted before) and well things just keep getting worse and worse. Well, all we do is fight. And I am constantly being told that the reason they can't pay their bills is because of me.

For example:

1. It's MY fault that THEY can't pay THEIR cable bill.

2. It's MY fault that THEY can't pay THEIR land line phone.

3. It's MY fault that THEY can't pay to have enough food in this house.

4. It's MY fault when my MOM gets upset even if I wasn't apart of it.

5. It's MY fault if she cuts herself.

Those are just some things.

I am sick of it. And my ENTIRE family takes her side.

I am ALWAYS the bad guy when I don't do anything wrong!

Things are just not going great here.

I have to sleep on a couch because the second bedroom has crap that my mother doesn't need.

We are constantly fighting because things have to go her way or everyone gets crapped on. Totally unfair.

I am applying for SSI here shortly and trying to get that as soon as I can. I was going to help them out, even though I really don't want to do that. If I get the SSI then I am going to stay here only a few months after that. Just so that I can save some money while only having to pay like $400 a month, which isn't too bad I guess.

Then from there I am either going to get my own apartment here in Vermont or I am going to be moving to Ohio. I don't know yet.

Things are kind of at a stand still and I don't understand why things have to be so hard.

I was supposed to use my check (from my last and only job) on a new binder, a packer, my name change, and a pair of sneakers. Now I have to use it for my cell phone because my mom had the land line shut off as well as the Internet. I am on a laptop with wireless and am getting it from some where around where I live. Which I thought was stealing but I guess it's not considered that because it's all wireless or whatever. I was really looking forward to having my name changed the most and now I have to wait for it.

The urge to cut gets worse when I am around my mother. When I am home alone it's not as bad. When people aren't treating me like crap I feel better. And the urge isn't as strong. Death is still on my mind but it's not as bad as it was a few weeks ago. I am getting better which is great! I still need therapy and I am going to get that as soon as I have Medicaid. I am also going to see someone and try and get back on medication. I think that it is needed, on account that I am not doing so great and what I have been through the past few months. I am NOT blaming my mother for my urges. They just tend to get worse because when I am around her all we do is arguing and I can't deal with that. I just want things to be calm and decent for once! *sigh*

I just want to be completely happy without having these down times like this. I mean who doesn't?

Life can be rough as an adult and I wish sometimes that things turned out a little differently. I wish that I wasn't stuck where I was. If I could move out right now I would but there is no where for me to go. I have no money to do so. So therefore I am stuck at the time being.

I do have to say though that I am luckier than some people and I know that. And I am thankful for that. Like there are people that are homeless and don't have health care and can't get any at all. There are people whose parents won't even allow them to live with them past 18. There are people that can't even GET food. There are people that are sick and can't take care of themselves. I get that! I understand that!! I am not saying that my problems are huge or is greater than any one else because well they aren't. Mine are a lot less than a lot of people in this world and I am really thankful for that.

On another note: I hate that people have to be homeless it makes me mad! It frustrates me!! I know what it's like to some degree. If my ex's brother wasn't so nice I would have had to most likely live on the streets because my ex would have kicked me out. Some people would have to actually EXPERIENCE living on the streets. I luckily have not have to deal with that yet. And I hope that I never have to go though that. I really wish that I was rich. I would make it so that no one was homeless and so that people could have food. Might sound fake but oh well. I have offered a friend, a fellow brother to help him with money for his surgery. I would really be willing to help in any way that I can.

As soon as I buy myself a new binder I am giving my friend my old ones that will most likely fit him. They were too big for me.

I am always willing to help people as much as I can. I do what I can for people. As I said before I am a Teen Mentor in the Chat. I will one day be a Green Mod. That's one of my goals. :) I love to listen to people. I love to make people laugh and to be happy. I don't like it at all when someone is sad. I can't stand it. *sigh*

Anyways, that's my vent. I know it's long I am sorry about that. :)

One more thing...

If anyone needs someone to talk to or just wants to vent or anything you might need, feel free to PM me. I accept all PMs :P

I don't judge anyone!

Anyways!!!

Thanks for reading (even if you only read a sentence or just the end :P )!!!

*hugs*

LeeAsher

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Guest Alex Blitzen

Congratulations on getting engaged. That is good news :) It is one very good thing you can hold onto through all the negative stuff that is happening around you.

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Guest Lee-Asher Geo-James
Congratulations on getting engaged. That is good news :) It is one very good thing you can hold onto through all the negative stuff that is happening around you.

And thank you!! :D

Totally!! I just keep thinking about it and the future and her and everything seems okay for the moment :D

*hugs*

LeeAsher

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Guest Lee-Asher Geo-James
That's awesome :D It's good to have someone to hold on to like that. Good luck :)

Yes yes it is :D :D Thank you!!

And good luck to you too :D

*hugs*

LeeAsher

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  • Forum Moderator

I wish I could help but maybe saying what I feel when my child is troubled or unhappy will help a little.

Because I think every child no matter the age or gender is something of a mirror for every parent. And their pain feels like your fault as a parent. Even when that is totally illogical. And guilt usually makes people feel angry. Some people feel helpless too when they feel guilty or they see their child with issues they can't help or understand or sometimes accept.

Most people respond to helplessness in one of 2 ways -they withdraw or they try to control absolutely everything. I'm the control everything type and when one of those little things goes wrong I can really go off. All the emotion about the helplessness just escalates things. Then it can get to be a habit.

I don't know if this will help-but when I'm going off on my daughter what I'm really saying is I love you and I'm feeling overwhelmed.

What I really want her to say to me is this is not your fault and we'll get through it-or it'll go away. But since she is also hurt and angry by then what we both say is completely different.

Sometimes-just sometimes-doing an unexpected kindness in the middle of a cycle like this can at least deescalate it.

I've lived with my own mother for 2 years as an adult-I was 30 and had to move in with my family after a divorce. It was hell for a long time but I was also working on a masters in social work (couldn't work, be single parent & do school so never got it) and working as a social worker. Eventually we broke the cycle and forged a new relationship that wasn't perfect but was much better.

I'm not sure anyone ever sees their child as a separate adult. But I'm learning to keep my mouth shut when parent kicks in ---now if my daughter will do the random act of kindness more often...

Hope there is something in here that helps a little but hang in there.........sounds like you are a great person with a whole lot to offer the world.

JJ

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Guest Lee-Asher Geo-James
I wish I could help but maybe saying what I feel when my child is troubled or unhappy will help a little.

Because I think every child no matter the age or gender is something of a mirror for every parent. And their pain feels like your fault as a parent. Even when that is totally illogical. And guilt usually makes people feel angry. Some people feel helpless too when they feel guilty or they see their child with issues they can't help or understand or sometimes accept.

Most people respond to helplessness in one of 2 ways -they withdraw or they try to control absolutely everything. I'm the control everything type and when one of those little things goes wrong I can really go off. All the emotion about the helplessness just escalates things. Then it can get to be a habit.

I don't know if this will help-but when I'm going off on my daughter what I'm really saying is I love you and I'm feeling overwhelmed.

What I really want her to say to me is this is not your fault and we'll get through it-or it'll go away. But since she is also hurt and angry by then what we both say is completely different.

Sometimes-just sometimes-doing an unexpected kindness in the middle of a cycle like this can at least deescalate it.

I've lived with my own mother for 2 years as an adult-I was 30 and had to move in with my family after a divorce. It was hell for a long time but I was also working on a masters in social work (couldn't work, be single parent & do school so never got it) and working as a social worker. Eventually we broke the cycle and forged a new relationship that wasn't perfect but was much better.

I'm not sure anyone ever sees their child as a separate adult. But I'm learning to keep my mouth shut when parent kicks in ---now if my daughter will do the random act of kindness more often...

Hope there is something in here that helps a little but hang in there.........sounds like you are a great person with a whole lot to offer the world.

JJ

My mom and are were arguing like 5-10 minutes ago. I had decided to put my music in my ears. To block her out. She asked me if I could help her fix her computer and I did. After that things calmed down drastically. She asked for a hug and then everything was good. Right now we are in our own little worlds but things are calm and I am enjoying that calmness.

I do find that a little "act of kindness" works with her. I think that maybe it's because she feels she is getting her way. My mother is like a child. It's what her bi-polar and other mental issues has done to her. It's so hard to NOT argue with her or fight with her because well, I don't take crap and she doesn't take crap either. So we clash. But I may be able to move in with my aunt. Although I don't know how well that will go.

She's laughing right now, which means that the storm is over for now. :)

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Guest Aurora Christy

Ohh my goodness, I really hope you can get out of that situation and soon. It sounds like how your mother is acting is really taking it's toll on you.

Just remember that it is not your fault and that she is just looking for someone to blame other than herself.

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  • Forum Moderator

I forgot to say congratulations on your engagement! That is so wonderful!!

Hope I didn't sound "preachy" before. just wanted to try to maybe help a little.

I bet your acts of kindness also make your mom feel more loved and in control.

Glad the storm is over so you can concentrate on your happy news!

JJ

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Guest Lee-Asher Geo-James
Ohh my goodness, I really hope you can get out of that situation and soon. It sounds like how your mother is acting is really taking it's toll on you.

Just remember that it is not your fault and that she is just looking for someone to blame other than herself.

That's the way she is. GAH it drives me insane xD

I forgot to say congratulations on your engagement! That is so wonderful!!

Hope I didn't sound "preachy" before. just wanted to try to maybe help a little.

I bet your acts of kindness also make your mom feel more loved and in control.

Glad the storm is over so you can concentrate on your happy news!

JJ

Thank you!!!

And no you didn't sound preachy at all.

I hate that she wants to be in control of me. I mean I am going to be 19 in like less than 3 weeks. She should let up a little bit...

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Guest Lee-Asher Geo-James

Instead of making a new thread on this I figured I would just add more to it

I woke up this morning (er afternoon) and my mom was on the phone. I think that she was talking to my grandma (well she was I just didn't figure that out until after). She was talking about how I was still sleeping (saying she she she she) and how that if she wanted to spend her money on her hair (over $100) then she was going to do it.

When we fought the other day I had told her that she was wasting her money basically on things that she didn't need. I didn't tell her she couldn't spend her Gosh darned money on things she wants. That is so up to her. I was just pointing it out. When she told me about her hair and how much it would be I said that I wasn't going to comment on it. And she started another argument with me. She keeps giving me an attitude and frankly I am sick of even trying to be nice to her. I get blamed because they shut the phone off they switched the cable around. I am sick of it. Gah. And then I noticed the bandage on my mom's arm. of course let's make matters worse and blame Geo some more. I swear they are out to get me! In some form or another! And the rest of the family always takes their side!! It's like uh hello? Are you THAT brain dead. Gah.

On another note:

I haven't been able to "go to the bathroom" in over a week. I went before May 10, and haven't gone since and I am POSITIVE that it has something to do with what I did that day. Which makes me wonder if I really messed up my body because of it. I have to try to get some ex-lax or something then if it doesn't work I will probably have to go to the ER AGAIN and tell them look remember when I came in? Well yeah now I am having issues! Tell me, am I dieing? God that would suck if that happens >.>

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Guest Lee-Asher Geo-James
Congratz on the engagement...and sorry to hear bout the grief from ya Mam...Hope it blows over for you B)

Thank you.

I hope so to. I just hope that it does it soon >.<

*hugs*

LeeAsher

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