Hello From Carissa And Vince

[Guest Vince Gothfairy]

Hello there. I'm new obviously ehem and rather nervous. This intro might be a tad long as it explains why I'm here.

I'm a member of a few other forums but they are not especially helpful with a number of issues I've been facing. If i can call them issues.

I supposed I should just gush all about my self since I did come here looking for answers rather than put on fake bravado.

My name is actually Carissa but I call myself Vince and i would appreciate it if that is what I am reffered to as. I'm 17, I'm in senior school, I'm quite odd in most people's opinions especially for my age. My school is a tad old fashioned and conservative and dull which is likely in a private school but I am finding it rather hard to cope.

People tell me it shall be better in university but I can see draw backs to that situation as well.

I'm in a long term relationship with a man. We plan to marry and my parents approve and we are soul mates. Alot of people irritatingly say this at naive teen years but our relationship is some what unique and everyone accepts this. Going to university will be hard but we plan to live together in my second year. this isn't too hard as hes older and already finished education and looking for a job in either computers or driving.

I am female but I highly resent this fact of life. Though I would like to say I am most 100% definetly not transexual. I do not want to have a sex change whatssoever. I'm not exactly sure what I am to be perfectly honest.

I used to call myself genderconfused although I don't think thats a technical term but it was pretty accurate as I've always had issues with gender.

However I'm not exactly sure how these arised. I have theories that its society's fault by creating gender stereotypes, gender training, the gender divide and generally placing so much value on gender. I find all of that very upsetting but can't quite figure out why. Another site made me think I knew a little bit more of what I was but having come here I have seen so many technical terms i do not recognise and no longer know which section I'm welcome in and frankly I'm scared.

I'm bisexual. known this since I was 11 although i did try to be gay or stright for awhile but couldn't fake it. In my life I've had two girl friends and two boyfriend though have only been sexually intimate with one woman and one man. (ie ex gf and current life partner who is male) My family and friends and partner know this and accept it. apparantly its obvious anyway. I love my boyfriend hes very accepting although very straight himself.

I love being a girl with him most of the time and I don't mind being called she or her or being called carissa and i love wearing flaboyant sexy female clothes.

Its just the rest of the world that causes a problem. I hate being seen as female. I don't want to be called carissa by teachers or peers at school or any one else except my lover. I want him to be the only one who sees me or treats me as female. I want to be Vince and be percieved as male. When people use pronouns like she of her for me it makes me feel physcically sick.At first i thought I didn't lik being female in public because of the reason that people treat the genders differently. Apparanty if your a woman you 'need' female friends cas men are so 'different'. This always made me sick. And men talk to women differently than they do to other men and women to to women differently than they do men. Its creepy. If your a girl you can't like sex as much as men or talk about it the way they do and you can't lije porn or be sexual in the same way or be this or be that. Its all very weird. If you don't fit assumptions your an outcast.

I went to an all girls school for 10 years. This seemed to have a pretty bad effect on me since I left at thirteen vermently hating all women and never wanting to be near one ever again. I would have only male friends. Eventually this wore off when i realised both genders were cruel judgemental stereotypes.

Between ages 11 and 14 I was convinced I was transexual. absolutely convinced. but i realised that i love my breats and wearing girls clothes etc. I came up with a theory that my gender confusion was a result of society's behavious but this didn't quite fit. I have this weird penis envy one. I'd love to have one. i feel some how inferiour not having one except when I'm with my partner. I play games in my room all the time in which i pretend I'm a boy. I've been doing this this since before i can remember and i do it many hours a day. I tried making the game work in which I am a girl but it was boring. The character jus didn't seem nearly as fun.

So I want the world to percieve me as Vince and my lover to be the only one who sees me as female. This is mostly true. I have flashes where I can't help but use my male persona vince around my lover and occasionally I'm female in the wider world.

I would give anything for a magic pill so that i could swap genders when i feel like it. I don't feel I'm androgenous or unisex. I feel likeI'm both genders. which is really confusing. I love the idea of looking and having everyone treat me as a man. I dressed up as a boy once but mum said i look ridiculas.

I feel that i might become a crossdresser in university but 1) i have no idea how to do this 2) i don't want my soul mate to leave me hes very straight and admits that he would not have dated me had he known I was gender confused but loves me so much thta he won't leave me know-I do not know if this would hold up if he found out that i dressed like a man rest of the time 3) I can't buy anything to become a crossdresser cas my family would not believe me or let me and its expensive.

I feel awful. literally sick. This is making my life a dreadful misery which is really bad cas I'm an ex cutter and have a severe anxiety and ocd so I just feelterrible and tense and feel like killing hurting myself but i refuse at the moment to sink so low. I also have alot of rage issues which i should go back to therepy about but i'm too afraid. I feel if one more person treats me or calls me a girl at school i will severly hurt them or murder them grotesquelly.

i would really appraciate some comfort and advice and also help with spelling as you might have noticed. another site told me I was genderqueer. apparntly this is an umbrella term for people unhappy with their gender but i haven't seen it used here. Is it not acurate. also I've been called bigendered. is this actually a technical term for people who feel they are both genders? what do you think I am? what section am I welcome in on here? how can i crossdress and be an attractive boy? how can i do all this without people finding out? What do all the terms I've seen on here mean?

pleased to meet you all.

btw i love south park and the mighty boosh they are my favourite tvs shows. I'm from the uk. My parnter named my male side vince cas he thinks I'm like vince noire from the mighty boosh. I'm also a bit gothic.

Hi.....

[Guest Drew]

hi Vince, welcome to the forums from what you wrote it sounds to me like you're bigendered. to put it simply, you're both genders, or you'd like to be both genders. as for the crossdressing, it seems like you might have to tell your partner about it because they tend to find out anyways. in any case, these are just my opinions worth maybe 2 cents.

anyways, welcome to the forums

[Guest Michelle M]

Yes there is such a thing as bi-gendered. They like both genders or they like to switch.

[Guest Vince Gothfairy]

If I'm bigendered then which sections on this forum would you think are most suitable for me? I feel a bit lost this is a bigger forum than what I am used to.

just for reference I always am male online so I prefferd to be called my male pronouns. is that ok? cas people are sometimes a bit mean about it on other forums.

[Guest Drew]

just for reference I always am male online so I prefferd to be called my male pronouns. is that ok? cas people are sometimes a bit mean about it on other forums.

if you want to be called a male name and male pronouns that's fine, nobody will be mean about it

Drew

[Guest Vince Gothfairy]

thanks guys. for all your help so far and welcoming me. this really appears to be the friendliest site I've been on. After talking to a few people on the chat I feel a bit more sure of what sections are for me thouigh still a tad nervous.

May I ask I am allowed to set my gender to male if thats how I like to be online?

Also there is no bigendered setting so do I call myself transgendered or crossdresser? cas both could apply i think maybe. still coming to terms with everything really lol.

[Guest Drew]

May I ask I am allowed to set my gender to male if thats how I like to be online?

absolutely, if you want to be male online then you're male online, no problems.

[Guest GoldenKirbichu]

Wow, Vince, you're quite a unique individual even among us unique individuals.

Sure, if you want to be referred to as a man online then there's no problem with that.

And you do sound bi-gendered to me. My sibling is also bigendered. She [XX-typic body, and doesn't really have a huge desire to be called other pronouns] alternately defines herself as female or male depending on how she feels, so she's somewhat similar to you.

[Guest Vince Gothfairy]

Thanks. haha yes I am pretty unique though most people just think I'm weird. I'd probs get on well with your sibling. I preffered to be called female pronouns with my partner and male pronouns witheveryone else. not that happens though as no one knows what I'm like or would be accomitdating if they did know. But when I'm university I will cross dress so the rest of the world percieves me as male. I think I'll set my private gender setting to female and my public one to male for the time being.

thanks mates.