Deciding Why To See A Therapist And Choosing One.

[Guest Sabine1]

I am new to the forum and am not sure how to address I concern I have about choosing a gender therapist.

I know that many people try to find a therapist who will help them with a decision they have already made -- to pursue transition -- and choose one who seems sympathetic to that goal. While I do want an open-minded therapist who will help me with that goal should I pursue it, I also want someone who will objectively and professionally help me discover or evaluate if that is indeed the right path for me. I have some experience with psychiatry, psychology, and social work (as a child and adolescent) but not dealing with gender identity (which was not addressed at that time the way it is now, I'm 50, otherwise, I probably would not have had some of the other issues!), more to work through the sources of problems. I don't see this as a "problem" in that sense, especially as the outcome may well be complete transition. I'm not sure if I should be looking at psychiatrists, psychologists, clinical social workers, or whatever. My area (DC area) has many, many gender therapists. Some have an masters in social work and have hung out their shingle, advertising that they are TG-friendly, but who often are very young an may only have been in practice a year or two and can have little experience. Others, often with PhDs, I see recommended here, and in other sources, but it seems largely as a means to an end, not for help in working with someone to really evaluate and understand. I see fear that a therapist will obstruct, but isn't their role really to help one discover oneself and help one decide what to do?

I really want to find someone who is an advocate for ME and wants to help ME discover what makes sense in a compassionate and professional manner, but who is not simply agreeing with me or "validating" what is a major life change. Can anyone shed light on how she approached this question, and how she chose someone?

Thanks! Sabine in VA

[Guest Donna Jean]

I am new to the forum and am not sure how to address I concern I have about choosing a gender therapist.

I really want to find someone who is an advocate for ME and wants to help ME discover what makes sense in a compassionate and professional manner, but who is not simply agreeing with me or "validating" what is a major life change. Can anyone shed light on how she approached this question, and how she chose someone?

Thanks! Sabine in VA

It's true, Hon......

Many TS/TG already know what they want to do when they go to a therapist...and it's only to go through the motions to get on HRT...to fill the requirements...

When I started going, I wanted direction and help...I was pretty sure where I wanted to go, but I wanted to make sure of myself...and I found exactly what I was all about.

So, here I am in transition....

But, I also know what you're saying...an advocate...someone on your side that will help you see the big picture and not just be a conduit to HRT....

There are guys and gals here that had to change therapists in mid stream because they weren't getting what they had hoped out of them...

Personally I hit it right with my therapist the first time...

I'd imagine that the best route to getting whgat you want is to do as you're doing right here....

Ask.....

Just remember that therapy shouldn't have to be a lifetime commitment...it's needed to get one's head on straight and then, hopefully, move on....

Good Luck, Hon...

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Guest angie]

A good therapist will do just what you are asking.

They are there to support,ask questions,make you think.

And if this truly is the path you must take,help you find

your way.Remember,a psychologist is a job,and if you don't

like them,can't bond with them,change,until you find the one

that fits.

Angie(who had five over the years in therapy)

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Dee Jay and Angie have said it well.

I would add - remember - if you do not like the therapist or the direction that particular therapist takes, find another therapist. Many people here on Laura's report having done exacly that. Selection method? I phone interviewed the therapists in my area and selected one that I felt was going to be a good fit. She turned out to be a gem!

Lizzy

[Guest Sabine1]

Thanks Donna Jean, Elizabeth and, Angie. Sensible advice! I have some names of therapists to start with, but I think I will also narrow based on how long they have been in practice, and how often their names pop up. I'm still not sure if I want psychiatrist or a psychologist. Still hoping for more insight from others, of course, but I'm ready to pursue this.

Sabine

[Sally]

The real purpose of therapy is to help you find where you belong on the gender spectrum and then to help you find your path to get where you need to be.

No one should ever try to make anyone transition - that is the most important decision that many of us will ever make and one that needs to be made bassed on your feelings and no one else's.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Sabine1]

Hi all, and thanks for your suggestions! To follow up, I have been looking at a psychologist (PhD) as the primary person, for the reasons I mentioned -- I'm not looking for affirmation as much as exploring deeply what this really is, and if then I still want to move forward, I'll probably do it very quickly. I'm old enough that I don't want to waste time when I could be happier and more at home in myself. I'm also talking to another gender specialist who doesn't have a PhD but has a lot of experience counseling. They also have referred to each other I find. Just waiting for the PhD to respond, then I'll go in. Terrified but excited.

[Guest Sabine1]

Update...

Had my first session today with psychologist. Nervous but not afraid, and very relieved actually. I just let it all out, felt better sharing with someone, and I look forward to next week. Thanks again everyone!

Sabine

[Guest Donna Jean]

Update...

Had my first session today with psychologist. Nervous but not afraid, and very relieved actually. I just let it all out, felt better sharing with someone, and I look forward to next week. Thanks again everyone!

Sabine

See how insidious this therapist thing is?

First you're nervous about going, then you go , then you look forward to the next one....OH MY!....LOL

Cool stuff, Hon....

I think that you'll get a lot out it!

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Carolyn Marie]

Very cool, hon. Congrats!

Pretty soon, every time you go, your head will be in the clouds, and your heart will lie panting on the floor (finally able to use that line from "Fiddler On the Roof").

Its all worth it. The tears, the laughs, the pain. All worth it.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Sabine1]

OK -- this is sort of an update, but more questions for the group. I didn't want to start a new threat, but perhaps this is off my original topic and it should be moved. (I leave that to the moderators, wherever they feel it should be!)

At my first GT session I decided to arrive as I dress and present daily. I wear "real" gender -- women's -- but sort of neutral in that I pick clothes that don't get read immediately. I do this 24/7 365 (even when running) unless I HAVE to wear something male for an event. I do not yet look feminine, so this is safe to me. I arrived in shorts and T-shirt, both feminine cut but neutral colors, no makeup, but obviously longer nails and my hair is longer (over my ears) and very full and thick. She did not pick up on the clothes until I mentioned it half way in. I didn't care one way or the other as it was about my comfort not presenting really, but I think at that point she began to look more closely at nails, hair, eyebrows.

I don't intend to change anything, and continue as I am (no makeup, no skirts, etc., until she feels I ought to do -- but I am nowhere near ready to come out locally. My question is, is this unusual to do at a first session -- or even foolish? I mean, I contacted her specifically FOR gender therapy, and it IS what I wear daily anyway. I know that eventually we all appear in the gender appropriate clothes with our therapist, though more fully than I did. Was I unwise to do this?

Second. I originally contacted her using my female name, but it's not something I have decided for sure. I introduced myself using my BIRTH name as I wanted to be open about who I am legally, and it has to be in the records I thought. So far she has not use either a pronoun or a name with me, and I know she is being careful about that. I don't want to push her one way or the other for fear I am pre-empting the therapy or insisting on an outcome (though I suppose by showing up as I did I probably indicated my assumption). However, I am beginning to think about introducing the name issue next time, partly as I have been letting myself "be" and loosen up the mannerisms and behavior and letting me be female more openly, even without HRT. Still, I don't have a name picked "officially" for this eventuality, and it may feel artificial to me. How did you all handle this? Is this something each of you brought up, or did you wait for the therapist -- or did you start that way?

The first session was an emotional outpouring and very positive. And of course I have been lost in thought about it since, and thinking about what I want to talk about the next time. But I also found that it relaxed me about being female and I began to let myself think in those terms without inhibition, and I notice I am carrying myself differently etc. I think I am allowing myself to "retrain" to female patterns, which already know but just have been afraid to revert to as I am not open yet. I have this fear that there will be dambreak with it all before I am ready to share this with others.

[Guest Sabine1]

I just wanted to add some reflections about choosing a therapist and my experience so far. I don't want to treat this thread as a blog, but this may help offer a context.

First, I do recommend finding a good psychologist, preferably a clinical psychologist, as a GT, and one with real experience with gender issues. I think it is important to have some one who knows the variety of GIDs, as well as what else may be involved in what you are experiencing. It really is essential to work out who you are, what you need, what you really are prepared to do or want to do, and what might help. A clinical psychologist is trained to help sort out what really is going on, and what ought to be examined. I feel lucky. I really like my therapist, and I do have a rapport and an honesty with her which lets me simply open up about everything. I know many people hesitate about seeking a therapist, that it might be a obstacle to a goal. I don't feel that way. A good therapist will just help you explore yourself and examine options, but also be honest about what you may not want to look at or how you might be ignoring something important. Even if you have to travel some distance to find a good one, it's worth it.

Second, even if you are fully open to therapy, I find that it takes work and honesty to get the best and most from it. Come prepared to talk about questions important to you, and understand the implications. Read as much as you can, everything from the SOC, Benjamin Scale, DSM-IV-TR and the draft DSM-V, to these kinds of forums, TS Roadmap sorts of sites, and even academic papers and research. This is a terribly important and profound decision, and you want to be sure about what you are embarking on. If you were diagnosed with a disease, you would research what it is, what its implications are, what treatments work and why, and then come up with questions you want to ask in your own case. All these sources can help you examine and question yourself, and also your potential choices. While the stories and personal journeys of other people are helpful, this is about you. Read and be as brutally honest with yourself as you can be. Don't "weight" your self examination with any pre-formed opinions as you want to be absolutely open about what is or is not true for you. Try to be objective, and don't worry about what the therapist thinks and about whether you are helping or hurting an outcome. "BSing" a therapist is counterproductive to you, and besides, an experienced one knows when she is being fed something. If you are objective and soul searching, you'll be more comfortable in whatever decisions you'll make, and really sort through who you are. Still, work hard and thoughtfully. Talk but ask questions too. You are paying for this professional help, after all.

Third, don't feel rushed about therapy even if you are starting later in life. Weeks and months are not as important as understanding and making the right, informed choices and decisions. Make no assumptions going in about what you find or won't find or what choices you want to make. This is about learning, then accepting, then making decisions. That's what the therapist is for anyway. I know therapy means money, but it's very well spent on something so important.

Fourth, let yourself react and feel. Therapy can be thrilling and scary. It should be as you are looking at your innermost self and identity. And don't be afraid to tell your therapist how you feel, it will only help you explore why.

Just my experience to be sure. Still, I feel much more confident about how to grapple with what I am going through than I did when I started.

Sabine