Ftm Crossdresser But Not Transsexual

[Guest tzarIvan]

Hey ladies! I'm just posting this because I am SO fed up with the fact that no matter how hard I look for a forum to find people like me I can't find one. Even if I don't find any one else here like me I want everyone else to know that people like me exist. I don't know where all the other ftms are, but I'm sure they are out there somewhere. Otherwise we wouldn't have drag kings. I am biologically female and identify as female, not as a transsexual. However, I find I can relate to a lot of people on this site because I am a transvestite. I know what you're thinking, how can a female be a transvestite since it's already socially acceptable for them to crossdress. Here is where for at least females, I believe the definition of crossdressing and transvestism differ. If you are a girl who happens to wear boys close once in a while, or even most of the time that, in my eyes, doesn't make you a transvestite. True ftm transvestites I feel are not socially accepted at all. This transvestism for me includes wearing boys close most of the time, not shaving, sleeping/wearing male boxers, swimming in male bathing suits, wearing ties, maybe having fake facial hair, etc.

Personally I first got into crossdressing around 9th grade and dressing in my brother's clothes when no one was home. I first was into gender role-play probably when I was about 3. I remember knowing I was a girl but I remember asking myself at that early age if I would rather be a boy. When I thought of myself, I mentally pictured myself as a boy and whenever I played imaginary games with my friends like when they would all pretend to be princesses, I always wanted to be a prince or male. I don't really know why, I guess it was just something I felt more comfortable identifying with. However when I transferred to an all girls school this all was forgotten. It wasn't until around 9th grad or the beginning of high school just around the time I was going through puberty when that part of me that was always male came back. I was slightly horrified at the changes I was going through and confused. I thought maybe I was a transsexual and there was a time period where I did bind my breasts. However, I now accept and love my female body and am happy being female. For me, I think the fear was coming through because I was afraid by becoming female I would completely lose that male side of me but now I know that that is not possible and it will always be there. I realize that I am not transsexual because I do not want to live my whole life as male, but I do realize I am not "normal" because I do want to live at least part of my life as male. I am sick of suppressing it and frustrated that I can only fully crossdress in the privacy of my own home. The "crossdressing" I do outside of my home is simply not enough for me. This also challenged me for awhile because I did not know how to incorporate the male side of myself into my life since I only wanted to be male occasionally but I now feel I found the answer in drag. I long to be a drag king and feel that finally this outlet will satisfy all my transvestite needs. Fortunately I will be going to college next year, and believe that then I will be able to live my life more openly and fulfill my dream of becoming a drag king.

To those of you now wondering if I am a drag king does this make me not really a crossdresser, well that's up to you but Sally Stone said really nicely what I feel (except reverse the genders):

This desire transcends crossdressing. As a crossdresser I can feel great and attain a great amount of joy simply by dressing as a woman in the privacy of my home. This doesn't satisfy me though. I need to showcase my style and the only way to do that is go out in public. I want to share my fashion sense with the rest of the world. I want them to see the color and the flair. In essence, I am a performer, and I need the public as my audience. I believe this need to express my fashion sense is what makes me less of a crossdresser and more of a drag queen.

In my personal journey I've also discovered that I am bisexual, something I view as separate from my crossdressing --If I was straight, I'm sure I would still love to crossdress--but compliments it (especially being a drag king) nicely. For me being also attracted to girls helps make the male impersonation I love so much more real.

I know this was a really long post but I've never been able to express this much about my trans-identity, and I thank you for your time, for allowing me to open myself up to you, and giving me a place to give the very invisible but NOT nonexistent ftm crossdressers a voice.

[Petra Jane]

Welcome tzarIvan,

I think you'll find you are not alone here!

[Guest Michelle M]

On the documentary "TransGeneration" there's an FTM going to college, and he's in a drag king troupe with 3 other campus FTMs. Even thought you aren't transsexual, they would most likely welcome you with open arms. Hopefully you can find a club like that when you go off to college.

[Guest Sandy]

Hi! I had to smile when you mentioned that you would pick the part of being a prince when you played with your friends. Whenever I played board games or video games. I would let my friends or family pick their players first. That way the girl players would only be left. Then I would have to pretend that darn, now I have to be the princess or Mrs White with a candlestick. Secretly I was very happy. We now have a wiii and on the bowling game we can create our own player. With my family looking on, I had to make a male player. Dam! I have the chance to make the female character I would much rather be and I can't.

[Guest Just_Call_Me_Nick]

Hello there and welcome....oh your not alone....trust me....glad to see you here...

Nic~

[Guest tzarIvan]

Thank you all for your warm welcome! That would be awesome Michelle, I will have to see that documentary, but I do hope to join/create a drag king troupe. Fortunately there will be several colleges around where I'm going so between them all there should be enough interest in doing drag. I'm glad I made you smile Sandy, I really hope that you'll have the chance to be that female character soon. I know it just feels more right that way! Thanks Nick, I'm glad to hear it.

[Guest karen_h]

welcome to our forums.

i'd like to also invite you to join our live chaT. YOUR MORE THAN WELCOME TO.

[Guest Steveanna]

Hi Tzarlvan,

Thank you for sharing your life with us. I have been thinking, have you read about androgynous CD. I am MTF CD Androgynous. I took the COGIATI test and am convinced the results hit the nail on the head about myself. I think maybe you might want to take this test too. You might be FTM CD ANDROGYNOUS.? Best wishes.

Steveanna

[Guest Vieja]

Hi TzarIvan, For a bit more interaction with F to M CDs you could take a look into crossdressers.com. Just like here there is a F to M CD section. You might meet a few others that don't check in here.

Vieja