Transitioning Vs My Other Dreams And Goals

[Guest mandy05]

Hello everyone,

I don't post on here all that much, however I felt the need to share something that I am struggling with.

For those of you who don't know, I am a 37 year old M2F Pre-Op.

I have been seeing my therapist for a year now, and just a month ago she sent the letter to the endrocologist for me to begin HRT. However, I must admit that I am right now hesitant to go see him, and begin HRT. Here are the reasons why.

Outside of feeling the need to transition, I am also finding that there is a dream and desire of mine that I have had for the past 26 years that is making me question if I should actually go through with my transition or not. If I were to transition, it may very well cost me this dream, and I have to be honest that I am not prepared to do that just yet.

From the time I was 11 years old up until I was 23, I was somewhat involved in the cattle business working on a farm. I really loved and enjoyed being on a farm working with cattle. It was very therapeutic for me, and it seemed to be my #1 passion in life. I never really had any other desire to do anything else but be involved in the Cattle/Agriculture business.

Unfortunately back in 1994 I was forced to give up this way of living when my neighbor who owned the farm decided to sell his land. It was divided up and developed. It was one of the saddest days in my life. Nearly 14 years later, I still miss being on a farm working with cattle. I never got over it, and I have never found any other type of career/job that I have ever liked outside of that. I tried working in an office doing general clerical duties and computer work for 8 years, and I hated every single moment of it, and my resume is living proof of that. I hate office work and anything that looks like an office. I am not one who likes to be cooped up in one place all day long.

I also hate the city, and I hate living in suburban areas. I desire to get away from the city and move out into a more rural country area in some place like Nebraska, North/South Dakota, or Montana where there are lots of farms and huge ranches. I also have a large network of friends who are involved in the cattle industry, however they have no idea about my plans to transition, and I know for a fact that they would never accept it. Plus a lot of these rural country areas that I would love to live in are not the most TS friendly places to live. I just recently turned down a possible opportunity to go manage a place out in Montana for about $2,000 a month due to my plans to transition. If I were content with the gender that I was born with, I would've taken that job in a heartbeat.

My father keeps reminding me that he does not see how I am going to be able to do both, transition and work in the cattle industry again. I am saddened to think that he may be right, and I am finding that my desire to relocate to a rural area and be involved working with cattle again, along with my plans to transition are both at war with each other. I feel that I am going to have to give one of them up eventually. I really do not know what to do. There are times that I feel that the need to be a woman is stronger, however at the same time I am reminded of just how much I miss my old farm life, and I fear that transitioning may cost me that 26 year old dream of mine.

I realize that going stealth is an option for many of us transfolk, however there is still my network of cattle buddies who I do not want to know about this. If they were to ever find out, it would knock me out of several possible long term business opportunities which would also cost me potential money, and I mean lots of money. I keep on asking myself this question, "Is transitioning really worth it"?

However, anytime I think about giving up my transition, that also causes me to have anxiety. I honestly at this point cannot imagine remaining in a male form. I was told by another girl in my support group that in order to become female that I am going to have to give up my whole entire "Male Life".

I don't know what to do. I really wish that I could be content as a biological male.

Sorry this was so long. I am really struggling with this right now, and I don't know which way to turn.

Mandy Renee

[MaryEllen]

Hi Mandy,

I can well understand your fears, however, I think you should go ahead with your transition. The effects of a hormone regimen would not be immediately apparent. In fact it could take several years for the hormones to fully do their job. Any changes would come so slowly that I doubt that anyone would really notice. Just don't walk around bare chested. LOL There is a doctor/patient confidentiality policy so the only way anyone could find out would be if you were to tell them. So stealth would certainly be an option. Many women work in the cattle business. It's not just a "good ole boys" network. I get the impression that your circle of business friends and contacts would be homo/trans/phobic. Are you really sure of this? Maybe not. Don't sell all of them short. Have you considered moving outside of this circle. I'm sure there must be many contacts outside of this current group that you are associated with. This is a gamble that only you can decide on. You can stay unhappy with this situation or you can grab for the brass ring. I really believe that these two dreams of yours can coincide with each other. It's your life and you shouldn't have to live it in fear of what others may think of you. As I said before, this is a gamble and you could lose a lot, but think of what you can gain. I would encourage you to "go for it".

MaryEllen

[Guest mandy05]

Hi Mandy,

I can well understand your fears, however, I think you should go ahead with your transition. The effects of a hormone regimen would not be immediately apparent. In fact it could take several years for the hormones to fully do their job. Any changes would come so slowly that I doubt that anyone would really notice. Just don't walk around bare chested. LOL There is a doctor/patient confidentiality policy so the only way anyone could find out would be if you were to tell them. So stealth would certainly be an option. Many women work in the cattle business. It's not just a "good ole boys" network. I get the impression that your circle of business friends and contacts would be homo/trans/phobic. Are you really sure of this? Maybe not. Don't sell all of them short. Have you considered moving outside of this circle. I'm sure there must be many contacts outside of this current group that you are associated with. This is a gamble that only you can decide on. You can stay unhappy with this situation or you can grab for the brass ring. I really believe that these two dreams of yours can coincide with each other. It's your life and you shouldn't have to live it in fear of what others may think of you. As I said before, this is a gamble and you could lose a lot, but think of what you can gain. I would encourage you to "go for it".

MaryEllen

Hi Mary Ellen,

I probably will go ahead with my transition. To tell you the truth anytime I start thinking about walking away from transitioning, my anxiety levels along with my depression just seems to go through the roof. Maybe I just need to let go of the past and move on to whatever life has to offer to me.

In regards to my circle of business friends possibly being homo/trans/phobic, you are correct. I have tested a couple of them by talking to them about various subjects including the trans issue, and they have not had a positive response to it. One of them is actually a Minister, and he highly opposes the idea of anyone who is trans. Plus another guy who I know that lives in Montana told me about someone who lived in his town who transitioned, and how they ran this same person out of their town. I didn't like the sounds of that.

Outside of this group there are other people in this industry who don't already know me of course, however they don't have the same type of animals that I like, that the group of people who I am currently associated with has. I have entertained other possible ideas such as trying to work with open minded people who are trans friendly, or possibly people who work with cattle who also live an alternative lifestyle themselves who might be able to conduct some business with my current associates. It would be kind of like being a silent partner, and having a front man to possibly conduct some business for me.

[MaryEllen]

Hi Mandy,

From what I'm reading in your posts, I have every confidence that you will make this a success. Good luck and go for it.

MaryEllen

[Guest mandy05]

Hi Mandy,

From what I'm reading in your posts, I have every confidence that you will make this a success. Good luck and go for it.

MaryEllen

Hi Mary Ellen,

Thanks.

One thing that I did not mention earlier which could work in my favor.

None of these guys have ever seen me in person, and for the most part most of them do not know what I look like. I have communicated with them over the phone and via email only.

I will say that one of them has seen a "Male" picture of me, however it was a picture that was made at least 10 years ago. Plus they all live between 1,000 and 2,000 miles from me. Even when they do see me, it will not be all that often.

One of the girls in my group has been after me about working on my voice, however I have not been in a big hurry to work on it due to my associates. I really don't know what I will do about my voice. I sure don't want them to hear me talking in a female voice, however once I do go full time I do not want to sound like a male either.

Mandy Renee

[MaryEllen]

Hi Mandy,

The fact that most of them don't know what you look like and that your business is done long distance is a plus in your favor. As for voice training, there are several good programs available. Melanie Ann Philips has an excellent one and I believe Andrea James has one also just to name a couple. The male and female voice ranges overlap each other considerably. It's all a matter of pitch and resonance. It's a matter of practice, practice, practice. I find that I can slip fairly easily (most of the time) between the two voice ranges. I drive telemarketers nuts doing that. LOL You can do this too so go for it.

MaryEllen

[Guest Michelle M]

I'm sorry that you have to choose between the two. I was thinking maybe there's some way you could have both, but the phobia behind your friends doesn't sound like it. When you transition, you'll just have to start new. It's a reality we must face. I was ready to give up many friends, too. I wouldn't call them friends since they have such a bigot attitude. You should call them work associates instead. Being proud of "Chasing someone out of town" is just idiotic.

[Guest aly71]

It's a really tough decision especially when you have family/business involved, but it's something you need to decide and think through yourself. I'm 36 and am going through a similar situation myself, but I actually started HRT a year ago and stopped about 3 months later when my dad got ill.

I've already made plans to talk to my doctor again after stopping things a year ago. I know if I don't do anything I'll keep looking back on every opportunity when I should have came out or don,e and regret it for the rest of my life.

[Guest o0tg0o]

I also have a big big dream of being a successful and well-known filmmaker (fat chance right? lol)

I kinda spent a good amount of time thinking whether I think I can go on with life knowing that I'm in the male body...and I figured that I had no better time then before kicking off my career. (although, i have to admit, i have anxiety over whether it will cause problems/awkwardness in being employed) One thing I didn't notice was how much contacts I already have that would severe me tremendously if I tried to go stealth...so it wasn't long before I realized that going stealth is not an option to me if I want to stay a filmmaker too.

I do hope that we can just show that as long as we can show that we can do good business, it would almost be like nothing's different. We'll probably have to educate a LOT of people, but I really hope it'll work out...for you and for me.

That way, we can also advocate the whole American Dream belief of "If you believe in what you do, you'll succeed." g'luck

[Guest Kelly]

i suffer with this too

do i want to transition or live my dream of being a ballet dancer

yes this is an issue

cause a male ballet dancer gets good scholarships and i never have done "female ballet" :'(

so........

[Guest mandy05]

Thank you all for your kind words.

Although I do struggle with this, I know deep down that I will transition. Being Mandy is part of who I am, and no hobby or any other dream will ever be able to replace that. Hobbies and dreams are good, however I feel that my need to transition is more of an emotional need for me personally. I have never understood it, and I guess I never will, however I have found that the need to transition is a very powerful force. I have never encountered anything like it before. There has been some other times where I questioned if transitioning was right for me or not, and every single time when the very thought of backing out enters my mind I start getting depressed. The facts are that I now know too much about myself as Mandy, and you know what? I really like that part of me who I have been learning more about. I have come too far to turn back now. I can never go back to where I was before.

I still believe that somehow I will find a way to see my other dreams come true. I think sometimes we have to be creative and come up with other ideas on how to accomplish things in life. Sometimes we have to take detours in life in and take another route in order to get to where we want to go in life. Sometimes we have to go with "Plan B" if "Plan A" doesn't work and sometimes "Plan C".

As for my HRT, I have decided to wait another month or two before I go and see my endrocologist. I am also having to take care of some other things in regards to my health before I do begin HRT.

Love,

Mandy Renee *Hugs*

[Guest Kelly]

yah like i started getting into Theater (Tech, Acting, Ect...) i told my ballet teacher about me being ts we will see about me being allowed to dance female next year

[Guest Darrel]

Why can't you be a cowgirl? :3 I don't see how you can't have both. I'd say go on with the transition.

[Guest mandy05]

Why can't you be a cowgirl? :3 I don't see how you can't have both. I'd say go on with the transition.

Thanks.

I have every intention to have my cake and eat it too. I plan to pull off both eventually somehow and someway.

[Guest o0tg0o]

cowgirl...that sounds nice