Not-so-male Day

[Guest raydub]

Yesteday I spent the day with my step-daughter. She stayed home from school cause she was feeling a little under the weather and my fiancee was worried she'd get worse, plus she had a doctor's appointment at 2p so whatever. Thing is, my step-daughter makes me uncomfortable. Fully aware of that Im going about my day not exactly realizing whats going on but feeling really horrible all day. I tried repeatedly to shake the feeling.. forcing smiles and praying intermittenly throughout the day and nothing stuck really.

At the doctor I had to update the kid's emergency information and since i wasnt on it after being asked repeatedly if i was her mother i registered my information as step-mother. Also, every six seconds all day long (as cute as i used to think it was) my little girl goes "mom!" or "mama!" or "mommy." The thing is I dont really think anything of it when she says it but apparently it was working me over cause by the end of the day I felt like id been beaten with a blunt object all day long.

Last night Im sitting in the kitchen with my fiancee - telling her about the day. She says she didnt think id identify myself as step-mom - but WHO the h-ll else was I gonna be?! i dont look like a guy - my name is [insert feminine birthname here] - and my ID clearly says it ALL in one cute little package albeit in my "Fall Out Boy" wallet complete with chain. Bah! Of course I didnt say this to her.. I just dropped the subject cause i dont want to hear about how this is all part of the blah blah blah and it takes time blah blah...

So Im in bed and the tears start to fall cause i feel so bad. By this time id realized that i felt like a girl all day and it actually hurt. I was cranky and almost depressed all day long. I told the fiancee and she tried to console me but failed cause of the real issue... I ended up telling her that I cant feel like a guy around the kid - and that i felt bad for feeling that way. And now I think she's fighting with herself about whether she should be mad at me about it or not.

This is waay too long. If you read all that thanks... In short? I feel like a girl when im with my stepdaughter and i feel bad cause of it.. and i told the fiance and now i feel bad in more ways than one.

[Guest Michelle M]

I know how you feel. Family is like that. Sometimes my mom brings over my little nephew; he's learning how to talk. She's teaching him how to say my male name, and he points at me and says it. It's really frustrating but I can't do anything but brace myself and take it.

I'm sorry that being around the kid has that effect on you. If only there were some way to hold onto yourself in your mind around her. I hope you can work it out.

[Guest Rika-chama]

I'm sorry about that raydub. I know how you feel since I am always a girl in public and to those I know I hope things go well for you guys

[Guest raydub]

it seems like the only solution is just to scuk it up and hope that my feelings change.

[Guest Ryles_D]

Also, every six seconds all day long (as cute as i used to think it was) my little girl goes "mom!" or "mama!" or "mommy."

Don't let it bug you too much, when one of my cousins was a baby- she called her dad 'mommy' and, of course, they thought it was cute and laughed. Bad answer. So then the kid kept calling the dad 'mommy' and wouldn't call her mom that. (or maybe she called mom 'daddy', either way the mom wasn't being called 'mommy') For some reason the mom decided to put money in the kid's swear jar each time she did it, as if she were doing it on purpose. o_O

It hurts us worse because we've been dealing with it for years and it feels like a dig of "you're really a girl and that's how you'll always be seen", but kids will do things like this anyways.

I know how you feel. Family is like that. Sometimes my mom brings over my little nephew; he's learning how to talk. She's teaching him how to say my male name, and he points at me and says it. It's really frustrating but I can't do anything but brace myself and take it.

Too bad it's a nephew. If you ever have to take care of the kid alone, you can teach him your girl name. Kids are actually trainable, even though that makes them sound like dogs.

Or everytime he calls you your boy name says "NO, it's (Michelle, right?)". He might get it eventually.

[Guest Seth]

I think you look like a guy...

If that helps.

[Guest Matthew-L]

i'm sorry ray

that really sucks

i think you look very male...although your ID would probably give you away

i know what it's like...my sister is being trained to call me 'she' and 'maddie'

so, i feel your pain

stay strong

Matthew

[Guest raydub]

Thanks for the continued support guys.. and the compliments .

I love this site.

Ray