Wandering Around Confused

[JJ]

I spent almost an hour trying to express exactly wat I mean-to try to get in touch with what I'm feeling. I got to the end and was proofing (my keyboard is erratic at best) when BAM my computer restarts. All is gone.

Basically I was saying that I feel as though I am wandering around blindfolded or maybe blinded by the light would be a better analogy.

The denial is trying to kick in again. I know the truth. The changes in my life and happiness are too profound for it not to be real-to be denied. And it would mean I didn't belong here and I would be utterly bereft. (I know, I know-I'm not talking about being rational but about feelings)

I know the truth. Have cried tears at the memories so long denied that were too strong to be anything but real.

After spending so long suppressing my male identity it is confusing and difficult to face the habits and thoughts of decades and build a new different identity.

I am in awe of those of you who have faced these same dilemas and found you way through.

A gender therapist would really help I know but that is impossible for me. So I appreciate your love and support and patience as I try to find my way. I know I have said I want to let things evolve naturally but I have to keep moving forward through each day.

And I'm confused about what and who I am. Sometimes it feels as though I'm spinning as I slip from gender to gender. When I read things in the FTM forum I am very uneasy and uncomfortable. It feels as if I am afraid. I know I am male in the core of my being -primarily. Yet I only want to dress more androgynous not male. I don't know if it is because I will be more comfortable slipping between genders. Because I have surpressed this male identity so long I am afraid to express more publicly now or because I have had so few positive male role models and so many negative ones. I couldn't internalize any of those male models. Maybe a combination of all three? After I realized I was transgendered my male daydreams have fallen away and I can't seem to recapture them. I miss them.

I can't post as much or reach out as well when I'm feeling so off balance. But I still read and care. Still want to be there.

That is also a part of my confusion. I feel like I have made close wonderful friends here, love and trust people here-but it is more like girlfriends and sisters-female mode. Brother and friends for the guys, But I think I'm relating more out of female mode because I learned to relate and care and share in female mode. I can feel some male there too. But I'm here because I'm really primarily a guy.

And what about the BERN? Has anyone taken it and how accurate is it? It seemed to me to rely heavily on stereotypes. It put me right on the cusp of male. Which reflects what I feel about my self.

Does any of this make sense? Reflect your experiences, even coming from the other side of the fence?

Do I just need to take a deep breath and let it all work itself out?

Sorry this post is SO LONG again. And thank you for being there.

Love

JJ

[Guest Donna Jean]

JJ........

Let me explain to you as best as I can...OK, Hon?

I'll use me and Lizzy as examples (and you're our age ...just reverse the genders...)

Lizzy and I became fast friends here early on (Sally, too...that's for later)

We had worked our whole lives at playacting as men. And after more than a half century we got pretty dang good at it!

My wife of 30 years said that she hadn't noticed any "Girly" behavior in all of that time...

Like I said...we were good at it.

When we first accapted ourselves and began to PM each other, we did it in a male way...we were competive, joked about everything, we had trouble communicating our true feelings so we used a ton of emoticons. Like guys would do...

Well, as you can see, we had to learn how to act as our female selves...it was ok to talk about our emotions....and as the walls broke down, it all became easier..

Were there doubts...sure.

Where did we fit in, would all of this work, are we screwing up royal at this point in our lives? Could we do it....at first it seemed insurmountable...

But, one day followed another and things began to swing in the right direction...

I can still talk about cars, my truck, motorcycles, etc..but that was a result of my experience and how I survived 60 years...

Lizzy, Sally and I have now reached a point where there is no doubt in our minds where we are headed and what direction that is...

I'm sorry that a gender therapist is not available to you as you would see that it would be a world of help to you.

JJ, always remember, Hon...full transition is not an option for many here...everyone finds their spot on the gender spectrum and no one can tell you that what you do is right or wrong.

You are who you are!

I do care...

LOVE

Dee Jay

[Guest Ashley C.]

JJ, I wish I could just hug you and make all the fears and doubts go away . But, I can't...so this will have to be the best I can do.

I won't waste your time by writing paragraph after paragraph about how life isn't fair, about how transitioning can be extremely painful at times, and about how it's normal to be afraid--you already know these things. (If you want to see me freaking out, just read the post I made last night, lol.) However, what I will tell you is that you aren't alone, and I know how you feel. Don't allow yourself to fall into the trap of comparing yourself to a list of stereotypes--it only feeds the doubt and allows it to grow depressingly large. My best friend deserted me because, after grilling me about being TG, he concluded that I didn't fit enough female stereotypes to be a woman. For weeks after that (and still, to some extent, now), I had to constantly prove to myself that I really am female on the inside, and I'm not just making this all up. You know, deep down, who you are. You can't deny it, because that's what you did your whole life--and look how that turned out. Playing backyard football, tinkering with cars, and lifting weights every day aren't what make you a man, just as much as taking bubble baths and painting my nails don't make me a woman. Whatever it is, it's so much deeper than all that. It's ok if you can't quite put your finger on it...I'm not sure any of us can. We just know. And, for better or worse, we (and the rest of the world) have to be content with that.

Just yesterday, I couldn't shake the disgusting feeling that I was trapped in a guy's body...for some reason, I just felt dirty all over. I'm much better now, but that served as a reminder that changing genders isn't as simple as flipping on a light switch, even though I know all of us wish that it was. For the rest of my life, I'll always be that weird girl who likes messing around inside the guts of her computer, playing video games for hours on end, and going to college football games...but that's ok with me . It's better than being that weird guy who loves to wash his hair with Herbal Essences, wear mascara, and wear undies that make his butt look sexy .

So, take heart. Although you'll always be a composite of your male and female selves, you have absolute control over which side to show the world at any given time. I think that's one of the coolest things about being trans...we get to experience both sides of the coin.

And, when all else fails and the doubt returns, just remember that we're all in this together. Plus, writing this has helped me deal with some of my own doubts I've been having recently...so, thank you.

Love,

Ash

[Sally]

I want to start by saying that I have put all doubts about what I should do aside replaced by what I must do - and that is a big difference it is a matter of much greater urgency.

I took a very long time in breaking down those barriers about expressing emotions - partially due to an almost unbelievable fear of rejection, when I finally did my world changed and it could never be changed back if I tried or for some inexplicable reason decided that I wanted to.

This is not easy and finding your way is the most important part - there are so many paths and variations of genders that finding where you belong is extremely important.

How fast you go does not matter as long as it is in the right direction.

Love ya,

Sally

[JJ]

Thank you!

Each of you has helped and I so appreciate the time and thought you've taken for me. It feels as if I have really been hugged.

Your thoughts and experiences will help me when the fears and doubts suddenly sweep through me.

I hadn't thought in quite those terms but it makes sense that I would still communicate in a more feminine way-and it's something I don't want to lose Maybe that's a part of this too. I've realized that there are things I thought I liked but now realize I don't. As my male identity emerges more and more from the shadows I find myself changing and I just have to hold on to the belief that where I end up is where I must be. That the things that are falling away were never real.

Funny-I never saw gaming as a male or female thing -I always thought the surprise I got when I wanted to buy a particular game or got into a discussion about Oblivion or one of the other RPGs was because of my age. New thought. It is always guys I end up talking to about it.

I've always hated stereotypes and I do find them creeping into my thoughts more often now. I have to resist that temptation. Too many stereotypes are ugly

Since my body and I have long been at odds I haven't (yet) felt that disgust with it in a more gender specific way. I don't like it period. Maybe it started with gender a long ago and has now become generalized.

You have made me feel better already.

Much better.

Love each of you

JJ

[Guest Elizabeth K]

BEAUTIFUL responses - OMG - how can you follow up as the last act to that performance!

BUT in the ole "here goes Lizzy" spirit?

You wrote: After I realized I was transgendered my male daydreams have fallen away and I can't seem to recapture them. I miss them.

Damnn it! Go out and live it - hell with the daydreams! It's soooo much better!

Ummm... did I just say that? Awfully male don't you think?

Let me rephrase it:

Honey, perhaps you might reconsider that those daydreams are now a part of the past? It may not be necessary to fantacize about what it would be like as the other gender, if you indeed have accepted that you have have already become that other gender? It may be that you soon will be trying to remember what it was like when you were a essentually a man playacting as a woman. I am not sure, and this would be your private decision, but isn't it likely that you were probably male all along, and that your enjoyment in being in a female body was based upon the facts that we both seem to agree? That women are really superior to men, when it comes to grace and beauty. Frankly dear, although I defend your need to now be more malelike, I don't understand the reasoning or the emotional need. Being in a male body for as many years as I was forced to play that part, was daunting, to say the least. I prefer to transition into a better facimile of myself, the actual woman part of me, not to say that fully transitioning is for everyone. I am so glad we had this change to talk about it. But my dear sweet JJ? Whatever you do? Please be happy and satisfied in your life. You deserve only the best.

You know I love you

Lizzette

[Guest Micha]

Hey JJ, hold tight and persevere!

I know I've thought multiple times that maybe it was a mistake, just something that seemed right for a while, but it was never true. Then the next day I'd end up screaming at walls or crying for all the frustration that came back. You know the confusion, everyone does. I hate being confused and I'm confused all the time. It feels like going fishing with no bait. But it's not as bad as what living before was, so the path must be true.

Yet I only want to dress more androgynous not male. I don't know if it is because I will be more comfortable slipping between genders. Because I have surpressed this male identity so long I am afraid to express more publicly now

I think this is probably it. Baby steps amigo, you can just ease into the waters, no need to jump off into the deep end right away. You'll find what's right for you eventually, just do what you feel like doin'. I wish you all the luck JJ.

[JJ]

BEAUTIFUL responses - OMG - how can you follow up as the last act to that performance!

BUT in the ole "here goes Lizzy" spirit?

You wrote: After I realized I was transgendered my male daydreams have fallen away and I can't seem to recapture them. I miss them.

Damnn it! Go out and live it - hell with the daydreams! It's soooo much better!

Ummm... did I just say that? Awfully male don't you think?

Let me rephrase it:

Honey, perhaps you might reconsider that those daydreams are now a part of the past? It may not be necessary to fantacize about what it would be like as the other gender, if you indeed have accepted that you have have already become that other gender? It may be that you soon will be trying to remember what it was like when you were a essentually a man playacting as a woman. I am not sure, and this would be your private decision, but isn't it likely that you were probably male all along, and that your enjoyment in being in a female body was based upon the facts that we both seem to agree? That women are really superior to men, when it comes to grace and beauty. Frankly dear, although I defend your need to now be more malelike, I don't understand the reasoning or the emotional need. Being in a male body for as many years as I was forced to play that part, was daunting, to say the least. I prefer to transition into a better facimile of myself, the actual woman part of me, not to say that fully transitioning is for everyone. I am so glad we had this change to talk about it. But my dear sweet JJ? Whatever you do? Please be happy and satisfied in your life. You deserve only the best.

You know I love you

Lizzette

Lizzette (Such a pretty name!)

You are probably right about not needing that outlet anymore. I KNOW I have always been a male in a woman's body. The realities of all those decades of female hormones has added dimensions and subtleties that I appreciate. I didn't like having a female body but the artist in me appreciated making up and dressing it. I've had a terrible time accepting what age has done to me and that may be why. There is much more room for artistic expression as a female.

The funny thing is I have felt the same way about someone becoming female as you do about someone becoming male. I never said it in forum but I thought it. Being female is so much work in so many ways. Of course, the problem is that it never was a choice. For me, or you or any of us. I am a man inside my head and heart-it's mostly the years of living female and the hormones that make me more feminine.

That's okay. That's a good thing really. There are gay men who are still masculine but with some feminine traits that I have always liked a lot. They seem to be able to seamlessly mesh with both genders. That's how I'd really most like to be. Being seen as a gay man wouldn't bother me a bit(Outside of the town I live in that is-safety first. ), but being seen as a butch woman really would. Kind of odd but it makes sense in a way too.

I'll find my way through all of this and I am happier than I have ever been. Satisfied-well that's a little harder.

You know I want te same for you but don't need o wish it for you. You are doing an amazing job of making tat hhappen all on your own.

You've come so far now! Time to enjoy all the rewards of your struggle. Seeing Elizabeth in your mirror every day and shining in your eyes! The mam's and getting hit on are wonderful but looking yourself in the eye is the real reward. I'll figure out how to do that yet!

As you know I love you

JJ

[Guest Opal]

Hi JJ,

Hope you are feeling better. Amazing what one's mind can put oneself through. Wish I could introduce you to a couple of 'potential' FtMs I used to know in the area. Neither ever considered HRT nor surgery, but they were both living their lives pretty much as their chosen gender. It wasn't without pain, and in one case, isolation.

You have such insight and ability to help others. Hope we can return a bit of what you so generously give of yourself.

Big Hugs!

Opal

[Guest Elizabeth K]

JJ - dang it - you are always in such a good place when it comes down to explaning what and how - you are what you are. I really admire that! I see you post with doubts and I panic, but it always turn's out its more you questioning things, rather than serious doubts. You truely continue to amaze me with those insights - not only about yourself - but about me - about others. Right on the button!

Yes - I am doing it - and it's somehing you will see really soon - like me? You will suddenly just be yourself. It's the most amazing thing! I want to celebrate with you (by PM and forumn I am afraid - dang) but don't forget me when it happens. It doent take surgery, it doesn't take hormones either - it just happens - all that other stuff is (or isn't) reinforcement - as needed

Hee hee - now you will be looking for it - JJ - it just happens, so cool your jets! You already went throught the self acceptance thing. You are tapping into what you have always been. The blend will be spectatular! HEE HEE

TRUST ME

Lizzette (a nickname - pretty isn't it?)