Hello

[Guest KimberlyF]

Greetings,

This place kinda blows me away and I've been reading so much the last few days when I get a chance. Im in my early 40's, I've known I was a TS for about 25 years and at times I feel like my life is over and then I see people older than me transitioning here and I'm so happy for them and I think maybe there's hope for me some day. I've been on the net and online services years before AOL. I've met other TSs and TVs in different states that I've met online and there was this instant connection that I've never had from other people because I didn't have to explain myself or be something I'm not. That doesn't mean I didn't explain myself a little...Im really shy but then at a point I open up and people want me to shut up

I'm married and I have a couple of kids. I love my wife and the idea of hurting this girl is one of the hardest things for me to wrap my brain around. She didnt sign up for this and marrying her is one of the biggest regrets I have in my life and still if I didn't make the choices I've made up till now I wouldnt have my kids. My therapist says adults are responsible for making themselves happy. Yeah that sounds great, but I've lied to this woman and we got married and she THOUGHT she was making herself happy.

There aren't too many people that know about me. My wife prob thinks I'm a TV. There was a time years ago when she asked me like "But you'd never think of getting a sex change, would you?" I lied. It has haunted me for years. I told her no. If she had asked me if I had ever thought of getting a sex change, I don't know how I would have answered, but the 'you'd never' and the tone just gave the whole sentence a negative feel and it was after a long night of talking and I was just beat down.

I'm going to mention to my therapist that I really think I could do part of the HRT. I could take a testosterone blocker today and it would make me feel so happy. The idea of taking female hormones at this time scares the hell out of me. Is that even possible? I know some people start on the one and then a few months later move to the other, but how about a few years of just blocking the male hormones? I'm really thinking baby steps.

There hasn't been a day in the past 25 years where I haven't thought about transitioning and yet when we decided earlier this year we're not going to have any more kids, its like my brain has been going into high gear since then.

I'm sure I'll have more to say later, but my youngest just got up so I have to run.

Kar

[MaryEllen]

Hello Karen,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

MaryEllen

[Guest sarah f]

Karen welcome to Laura's. Your story sounds so much like my own. I myself have been with my wife for 15 years and had a hard time coming to this decision to become what I always thought I should have been. It is definately the hardest thing that you will ever do. I am currently taking hormones and couldn't be happier. My wife isn't so supporting though but she is still with me for now. We will see once I get too far along that you can tell something is up. You have to make the decision that is right for you and be prepared to have consequences that you might not like. I am prepared mentally for the day she decides she can't do this anymore but hope and pray that day never comes. I look forward to reading more about you so keep on posting.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Karen...

Welcome to the Playground..

I'm Donna Jean.

I've been married 30 years and I started transition at 58...I'm 60 now...

I'll not sugar coat it..This is hard stuff and people get hurt..

Coming out to my wife was the hardest thing that I ever did...I even served in Vietnam...harder than that!

But, why must we suffer to make others happy?

Each of us is given one life...

We can't use up our one life to make someone else happy because that gives them 2 lives ...yours and theirs..

Being Transsexual is hard and can be heartbreaking..

On the plus side, you've found a community of loving, caring, like minded people that are here to help make your time easier...

We're really glad that you found us...

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Karen - I STARTED transition at age 61. It is completly doable. BUT there is a huge price if you are married. Your marriage will probably not survive. I mean there is a chance - but it is extremely small. The really troubling news is if you are diagnosed transsexual (we are not therapists here) then you WILL end up transitioning, it jusr works that way. And the blockers only? Unhealthy. You need to have either testosterone or estrogen in your system, so blockers only, except for an extremely short period, aren't possible.

That said - the really positive part? You will find yourself. You may not have any surgery, not all TS do that. A gender trained therapist is ESSENTIAL in this - a regular therapist will do you no good at all and you will spend a ton of money on someone who cannot help.

The best news is you are here at Laura's - you belong here. We are proud to know you and are willing to help you if we can. And in return others will get the benefit of your experience.

So smile - it can be a roller-coaster ride, but you may end up a happy person after all.

Lizzy

[Guest Kirsty H]

Hi Karen. Just wanted to give you a warm welcome.

[JenniferB]

Welcome to Laura's Playground Karen,

I wanted to clarify on what Lizzy said on why you shouldn't take androgen blockers alone. If your body doesn't have a dominant hormone of either testosterone or estrogen for an extended time, you will probably develop Osteoporosis.

The decisions you make will not be easy. You obviously are going to have to sacrifice either way. I hope you can find a path that will bring you peace of mind.

Love Jenny

[Guest KimberlyF]

Well I won't be doing any HRT without talking to a doc anyway so if that's not an option then I'll have to see what my other options are. I was just thinking about chemical castration in some criminals and when I read about some of the side effects, I was always like promise?

My therapist deals with TS issues-it's pretty front and center on her web page, and she was listed on a different site list. she's pretty much said all the thoughts I've expressed to her were very common among other TS that she's treated. I honestly don't know if she's ever officially diagnosed me as such. From my first contact that's never been really debated. I

wasn't asking to find myself and there are few things I'm more sure of in my life. From day one it's kinda been where do I go from here?

I've been able to stay in this role for like 25 years and I started to think I can do this. But almost like days after we decided to not have any more kids I've grown increasingly uneasy.

I love my wife and I'm attracted to women but I've had sex one time with her after my first kid was born. It was a magical night. No because of the sex-that was awkward and confusing to me. But we were using an ovulation machine and we got it right the first time so we got another kid and I didn't have to have sex again which is very emotionally draining. So, magical.

Now I'm thinking I need a new therapist. And not because mine isn't great but she doesn't take my insurance and im starting to think this might take longer than I first thought. I kinda went in with the idea that maybe she could just tell me some magic words and Id be happy for another 25 years. Even though I don't think I'm as happy as I think I am sometimes. When I go to family events everyone says I look po'ed at the world. Sunday somebody said I was just PMSing again and I was thinking these people really have no idea how to insult me.

kar

Kar

[Guest KimberlyF]

Thanks for not sugarcoating it just a teeny bit for my first post. I almost want to run screaming back to the woods and hide.

Seriously, TY and I know it's not easy. If it were I'd be on some mom's board talking about my kids to other women instead of being on a TG board cause this stuff would all be behind me and being a mommy was the only job I ever really wanted.

Kar

Karen...

Welcome to the Playground..

I'm Donna Jean.

I've been married 30 years and I started transition at 58...I'm 60 now...

I'll not sugar coat it..This is hard stuff and people get hurt..

Coming out to my wife was the hardest thing that I ever did...I even served in Vietnam...harder than that!

But, why must we suffer to make others happy?

Each of us is given one life...

We can't use up our one life to make someone else happy because that gives them 2 lives ...yours and theirs..

Being Transsexual is hard and can be heartbreaking..

On the plus side, you've found a community of loving, caring, like minded people that are here to help make your time easier...

We're really glad that you found us...

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Guest KimberlyF]

Karen welcome to Laura's. Your story sounds so much like my own. I myself have been with my wife for 15 years and had a hard time coming to this decision to become what I always thought I should have been. It is definately the hardest thing that you will ever do. I am currently taking hormones and couldn't be happier. My wife isn't so supporting though but she is still with me for now. We will see once I get too far along that you can tell something is up. You have to make the decision that is right for you and be prepared to have consequences that you might not like. I am prepared mentally for the day she decides she can't do this anymore but hope and pray that day never comes. I look forward to reading more about you so keep on posting.

Well she didn't run away repulsed, so you have that anyway, right? My wife says we're more like brother/sister than a married couple. If that's the cause, then I love having her as my brother . Do you have any kids? I think at the age mine are it wouldn't be an issue but the older they get, the harder they might be. Of course I have two boys and people think it's my job to teach them how to become men. I tried doing it myself and thought I was doing a good job and yet when I got married a lot of people told me they figured I was gay.

kar

[Guest Lee-Asher Geo-James]

Welcome to the family Kar! *hugs*

Love and hugs

Geo

[Guest NatashaJade]

Hi Karen!

Welcome to Laura's!

Your story could be mine own. My wife and I have a lot of long discussions about the implications of this not just for me, but for us. Those of us who are fortunate enough not to travel this road alone need to be really conscious of not shutting out partners out. They have a lot to learn as well and need to have space and time to grow.

luv

Gin

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Karen,

<<hug>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We have MTF meetings-Mon & Sat 9pm est, and you are welcome to attend.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna

[Guest Alex Blitzen]

Welcome to Laura's

[Guest KimberlyF]

OMG...I read stuff here and then my mind wanders a bit and its like I was in autopilot today. I mentioned maybe finding a new therapist for insurance reasons and I wanted to make sure that whatever happens I'm not limited by the choices I make now. I found a primary care doc who deals with gender issues out of a whole LGBT complex. The place is amazing. I could start the process to get HRT tomorrow because their attitude is informed consent and TS isn't a mental illness so how can they require even 3 months? Not that I'm starting any time soon but at least I can be open to my doc from day one about me and whatever happens over the next few years I'll be better able to deal with it.

Kar

[Sally]

Hello Karen,

You have gotten a lot of good advice and friendly welcomes from some of the wonderful people here but they were so eager to offer their support no one offered you any refreshments.

That will just never do, I'm a Southern Lady and it is just not proper to welcome someone into your home without offering them a comfy chair and something to eat.

So let me get you a plate of my fresh baked cookies and I do believe that Donna Jean has left us some hot cocoa, here is a mug for you, why not write your name on it and you can keep it here in the Members Lounge on the shelf next to all of ours, you are part of the family now so you will need to wash it yourself - you can only be company for so long.

As to how difficult it can be to maintain a marriage while transitioning - it requires a phenomenal effort on the part of you and your wife, I hope that you are both willing to try.

I was, my wife seemed to be but one week after talking to her family - she left, there are forces beyond your control.

As a friend of mine told me last night, "Your marriage was not a failure, it was an expensive lesson learned, assuming that you were paying attention and learned that lesson."

Enjoy your time here and all of your new friends.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest SouthernBelle]

Welcome to the Playground!

It sounds like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Have you told your therapist that you want a sex change? And that your wife thinks otherwise? Perhaps he/she can help you find a way to tell your wife.

I'm not going to lie to you, though. Marriage failure is common in transition, but sometimes it's the best thing. I was in the middle of couples' therapy right after I came out to my wife. We had all kinds of problems, not to mention that I'm talking about how I've always secretly been female. In the end, I'm the one that left her.

I came to the decision that for once in my life I was going to do what was right for me just because I deserve it. You deserve to be you too! It doesn't matter what lies you've told, honey. We all do that. We all do our best to make it in this world. It's called survival. She may or may not forgive you for lying, but there's no sense in beating yourself up over it.

Being trans is so hard. And it's something that she may never get. I hope you are able to find yourself. You're in there and you're someone special, OK? Life is tough and it's even tougher for us t-girls and t-boys.

Good luck! Oh, and btw, you've come to the right place! This is a safe haven. And we're so glad to have you.

HUGGS AND KISSES

Belle

[Guest KimberlyF]

This is all happening very fast for me and I wonder if it's because I've been sitting and stewing about it for 25 years and now I've opened a door and I don't know if I can close it.

Every day I've been here I see things on this board that are my thoughts which is good because I think things that make no logical sense and I have to stop doing that.

For years there was this llingering voice that this was like a game and I just wanted to convince people I was really TS just to see if I could manipulate people.

I can't have sex with my wife because there's a good chance my body may be mentioned and the few times I did have it, my eyes were closed. And now I have a place that would give me a script for hormones if I just show up three times and I made an appt for July 14th but I said I'm not doing anything like that till I talk to my new therapist even though they don't require it. So that little voice doesn't even make sense and I'd like to kick it in the...well I think that's a part of my brain that wants things like they are like that's the easy way out. How easy is it when my wife and I fight all the time because I have such a short fuse and kinda peed off at the world. As hard as transitioning is it has to be easier than this, right?

I took my kids to see Toy Story yesterday and there's a little girl in there who is kinda shy and yet has a blast playing with all her toys and I started crying a little because I'll never be her. A bunch of other women were crying a little too at the end so it isn't like I stood out. Then as I was leaving I thought I cry a lot at movies and tv and even commercials. Not like major water works but I was wondering what I'd be like after I started HRT?

Kar

[Guest SouthernBelle]

As hard as transitioning is it has to be easier than this, right?

Well, Karen... the answer is not so simple. I thought the same thing at first and my viewpoint has changed now. And I'm still not on hormones yet.

You see, being at odds with your gender is one thing. And it's painful.

But transitioning, while heavenly, does not necessarily make life easier. Not right away, at least. I'm out to my family and probably most of my friends and I'm practically full-time female now, except in front of my parents. So I'm living the life. I get to paint my nails and go shopping and wear makeup and swish my booty when i walk, but I'm having to deal with the reactions of all my loved ones. And that's not to mention the reactions of strangers--I'm just getting used to that part now.

And I've even been told that the second puberty that we all inevitably go through in HRT is rough too.

So I'm convinced that transition is rough all the way through. From birth to rebirth.

That's not to say that there is no light at the end of the tunnel, however. Being myself is heavenly and I'm quite certain that BECOMING myself will be even more so. Things are tough in transition, but things are good.

HUGGS AND KISSES

Belle

[JenniferB]

Karen,

I know how difficult it is to be patient when we feel we need to transition so bad. But receiving a recommendation letter without even seeing a gender therapist is not a good idea.

A good GT should understand and follow the WPATH Standards of Care. The SoC is there for our protection. I would highly recommend you read it and actually know it well.

My own GT, who is a lesbian, does not follow the SoC and will give me my reccondation letter. I do however know the SoC and am comfortable with it. And I will receive my letter right at about three months of therapy. I figure I will start HRT about mid-August after all the pre-HRT hurdles are jumped through. Even then I will probably switch therapists.

Know what you are getting youself into Karen before you start taking hormones.

Love Jenny

[Guest KimberlyF]

Karen,

I know how difficult it is to be patient when we feel we need to transition so bad. But receiving a recommendation letter without even seeing a gender therapist is not a good idea.

A good GT should understand and follow the WPATH Standards of Care. The SoC is there for our protection. I would highly recommend you read it and actually know it well.

My own GT, who is a lesbian, does not follow the SoC and will give me my reccondation letter. I do however know the SoC and am comfortable with it. And I will receive my letter right at about three months of therapy. I figure I will start HRT about mid-August after all the pre-HRT hurdles are jumped through. Even then I will probably switch therapists.

Know what you are getting youself into Karen before you start taking hormones.

Love Jenny

I appreciate this and I'm prob a bit confusing to everyone because my thoughts are all over the place. I've talked to GT before. I'm currently dealing with a GT. The one ended up trying to push me into action when I wasn't ready. I bet I could have gotten a letter from her if I just asked. The most recent one from day 1 has treated me as TS and has worked on what is preventing me from transitioning not if I should. It's too expensive to see her because she isn't covered by my insurance. I have a pending request for a referral to see a new GT therapist. by the time I see this Doc twice, do the blood work and take the 45 min required face to face counceling class to get hormones I will prob have seen the new GT doc prob 6 times at least. All I've committed to so far is a blood test from my new TS friendly PC doc in case things do procede she'll know why my body looks like it does if I have an ear ache, and a new GT that my insurance will cover. But I'm trying to think like this is going to happen.

Kar

[Guest KimberlyF]

I mentioned on another thread that sometimes I'll answer the same question 3 or 4 times. Well I have to add that even though I'm talking all confident and stuff, since I booked the blood test, I've felt like I was going to throw up numerous times and gotten light headed and think that sometime in the next 3 weeks I'll prob have a full panic atttack. other than that, I've got this all under control.

More updates as they happen.

Kar

[Guest Donna Jean]

Karen...

Somehow talking all confident and stuff and throwing up dosen't go together....

Listen, Hon....it's all gonna be just fine....OK?

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Guest sarah f]

Well she didn't run away repulsed, so you have that anyway, right? My wife says we're more like brother/sister than a married couple. If that's the cause, then I love having her as my brother . Do you have any kids? I think at the age mine are it wouldn't be an issue but the older they get, the harder they might be. Of course I have two boys and people think it's my job to teach them how to become men. I tried doing it myself and thought I was doing a good job and yet when I got married a lot of people told me they figured I was gay.

kar

Just to let you know, I have a soon to be 4 year old, 15 month old and 3 month old. It is not easy making the decision I made considering their ages but I could no longer go on like this.

[Guest Emily Ray]

Karen,

Welcome to Laura's. You mentioned closing the door to this subject and how hard it would be I think. If you could close it it wouldn't stay closed for very long. I think Belle is right about transitioning not being easy, but for me it became my only real option. I honestly don't know where the courage to go against everything we have been taught about crossing gender lines comes from, but I have been given a healthy dose of it. when it is time for you it will be given to you as well.

Huggs,

Emily