My Life And Becoming Me

[Guest karl636]

So a brief overview of who I am in the present day. My name is Karl, I am 19 years old and am a pre-T, pre surgery FTM from the UK. I am currently studying my A levels at college and am hoping to go to university in two years to study English with creative writing and then train to become a teacher. I also like to write in my spare time and have a number of poems posted in various places on the internet. My poetry tends to be angst ridden but I have been told its good.

I had a fairly average childhood, nothing majorly traumatic occurred through my early childhood years in fact I had a happy childhood. I played happily with the toys I liked and I was never restricted to gendered clothing. Looking back I often dressed in my brother's old clothes and when I was playing dress up I took on male roles, I was the prince or the fireman. I was never the princess or the more typical female role. My parents always let me just be myself and whilst they gave me barbie dolls, they never forced me to play with them. I largely ignored these dolls and played with my brother's toy garage and his cars.

When I started primary school I was a very shy and withdrawn child. I was the child who didn't speak, even with students and teachers alike encouraging me to. I don't know why I didn't speak, I guess I just wasn't ready, but I remember primary school as a place where I had no friends and spending the breaks and lunches alone, walking around on my own, wishing I had friends. I was so shy but I couldn't bring myself to talk. I remember that I didn't really feel much about gender at that age, I just felt like me. I wasn't aware of the difference between boys and girls and didn't seem to establish that I was a girl. I just didn't feel it.

I moved onto middle school and they were the best years of my life. I had friends for the first time and I actually talked with people, I was still shy but I communicated with other students and I felt like I belonged somewhere. I was still young at this stage, I was at middle school from the age of 10-14 so I was still very much a child, the pressures of puberty hadn't yet hit me and as such the divide between boys and girls was largely unnoticeable. It was still acceptable for boys and girls to play with each other without any of the nonsense that they wanted each other. Though I do remember my first crush, it was an early crush too, at the tender age of 10, it was a crush on my best friend at the time Natalie. I never told anyone this because I was a girl and so was she and I didn't dare tell anyone I fancied a girl. I forgot all about it and it faded away, so did our friendship but that was just the way things went. I had my second crush at the age of 12 on a boy named Steven, the crush lasted for about a week and of course he didn't know that I existed but I was still smitten in that cute way that young kids get. Of course that was the beginning of my bisexuality emerging though I didn't consciously know it at the time. In fact I continued to suppress my sexuality for many years and it lead to many years of trying to work out what I was.

It was at around the age of 12 that I noticed certain changes in my body. Puberty was hitting and I was starting to get breast buds. I don't remember what I felt when that happened, I think I was mainly in denial that it was happening and continued like I always did. I remember that quite a few months later my mum took me shopping for my first bra, by that time my breasts were really developing and my body was taking the shape of a young woman. Again I didn't feel an awful lot and I was just going through the notions because it was expected, I didn't feel pride of becoming a woman, I just felt empty. Then the next stage happened. My period arrived. I remember I tried to hide it for a while and pretend it hadn't happened, now the thought of having periods, unlike everything else that had occurred actually scared me. Eventually I told my mum that I had started my period and she went to fetch me some sanitary pads and showed me how to use them. I told my dad the same evening and he couldn't have looked prouder, his little girl was growing up into a woman. I wanted to hide away in shame. Far from feeling womanly and feminine, I felt empty and like an alien, I wondered why my body was doing this and didn't understand why I had to have a period. I was naïve as a child because I knew I was a girl and that all girls eventually get periods but I wanted to know why it happened to ME.

Upper school. Those are some years of my life that I don't like to remember. Upper school was the worse years of my life, they were full of unhappiness, heartache and confusion. When I started upper school I was becoming aware that I was different to other girls but I didn't know how or why. I fell into a bad crowd for the first couple of years of school and ended up bunking off school a lot. I also experienced almost continuous bullying which made me miss even more school, my attendance at school was always bad and never improved much above 70% in all my time there. I was so desperate to fit in and when I realised I didn't I would run away and seek home, the one place I was safe. I reached year 11 and for the first time in that school, I had friends, I met my two best friends Joe and Zoe and spent the rest of my school life hanging with them. We soon became known as the troublesome trio. We were inseparable. When I reached sixth form I became more confident in who I was an eventually came out as bi to Joe and Zoe. That was a relief to know who I finally was and that they accepted me was even better. I spent a year in sixth form before me and Joe dropped out after failing, we admittedly spent the year dossing and didn't really expect to pass our exams. That began the next leg of my education. College.

In that summer I stumbled upon a website which helps young people who identify as LGBT. I joined the site and within a month I had posted on the trans forum about how for most of my life I hadn't felt right in a female body and that I didn't really feel female. The advice I got from people changed my life. I was told to try living as male for a bit, even if it was only online and see how it felt and if it felt more natural. I took the advice and started being referred to as he around the site and suddenly it clicked. I didn't feel like a girl because inside I wasn't one. It felt so much better being referred to as male. I changed my username and for a while went by the nickname Kane before settling on my name Karl.

Although I had come to terms with it myself, I knew there was a big decision ahead. What do I tell my parents ? I came out to my brother first and he promised not to tell anyone and he said it was fine by him, knowing I had his support gave me the strength to tell my dad. I remember that my method was not the greatest but I didn't have the courage to do it face to face. I came out to him in a number of emails. In those emails he told me I could be whatever I wanted to be as long as I was happy. It took my dad a while to fully accept it but he didn't reject me and didn't turn his back on me. I left telling my mum till last. Why? Because I knew how she felt about trans people, she thought it was freaky and I dreaded telling her that her “daughter” was actually her son. I remember how it went, I was lying on my bed and was clearly upset and she was sat beside me holding my hand, asking what was wrong. I told her that there was something I needed to tell her but didn't know how to and she just sat and waited, finally I found the words and told her “mum, im a transsexual”. She didn't say anything for a minute but continued to hold my hand before saying the words “I love you and you're still my child”. It was such a relief hearing her say those words and I was giddy with relief.

Even though I was now out to my parents, it took them a while to come to terms with it and it took a year for them to fully accept me as who I was. In that time we had some real rough times and many arguments, I became very depressed and eventually had a full emotional breakdown where I told my mum that I wanted to die. After that I went to my doctor and he said that I had depression and put me on anti-depressants. After that my parents made a real effort to treat me as the male that I was and things slowly started to improve.

There was still college. I had to enrol at college under my birth name and as female. I spent the entire year wrestling with my conscience about coming out and in the end I only came out to a number of people. My friend Jack, krisztina and my tutor Daniel. Coming out to Daniel was the best decision I could have made as he was my source of support when things were hard with my parents. He would listen to me and just give me someone to talk to. His kindness went beyond what I expected of him and inevitably I developed a crush on him. Big time. This crush is on going even now although it is slowly fading. However college was tough for me in my first year as I had to endure being seen as female and being known as my birth name. Even though I did cut my hair short and start dressing as male. I passed to those who didn't know me but classmates saw me as female despite the appearance.

Last summer I finally got the ball rolling to begin my medical transition. With the support of my parents I went to my GP and told him about the change in my gender identity and the discomfort I felt in my body. He agreed to refer me to a gender specialist in the town and said I would hear back about an initial consultation within 2 weeks. I got a letter and my appointment for my first visit was October 1st 2009. I went along to the appointment alone and he commented on the fact that I appeared to be obviously male and that his receptionist assumed I was mtf. I smiled and took that as a compliment and I had my first appointment where he asked about my childhood and school and things like that. He then ended the session saying he would like to see me in 6 months and for next time I ought to write a mini autobiography about my life to date. 6 months later and I had my second appointment, it was ironic that it was on 1st April 2010, I laughed when I got that appointment. So in this appointment I went along with my parents and my mini autobiography and we spoke some more about my childhood, the specialist then asked my parents a few questions, overall the appointment went well. He proceeded to say he was hesitant to start hormone therapy right away and would have preferred to wait till summer 2011. I immediately said no to this and said I couldn't wait that long. He wavered and considered summer 2010. He asked that I get a physical examination completed as well as blood tests done and that he will send details of when he next wants to see me.

So this summer I had the blood work done and my GP took my blood pressure and checked my weight and told me im perfectly healthy. I am now to see the specialist again on the 19th August 2010 where I will hopefully begin my journey on hormones. I am both excited and anxious about this appointment as so much rides on this. I only hope he will say yes.

This is my story of my life up to present day. I hope it makes an interesting read and that you don't get bored!

Karl

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

I want you to know that I read it and say that you've had quite a time...

I like how you've handled yourself....

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Guest karl636]

Thank you. Yes I have had some ups and downs but I am hoping life will settle now and I can start a truly life changing journey from boy to man

[Guest sarah f]

Wow Karl now that is an update. I hope you get to start hormones in August.

[Guest Lee-Asher Geo-James]

I know you better now than I did 5 minutes ago.

*hugs*

I hope you get T in August.

I love you buddy

Anytime you want to talk you know how to get in touch.

*hugs*

Lee