Dear God

[Guest viv]

Howdee folks . Well,,I walked away from God / Religion a while back .

Hatred of my predicament turned to hatred of God as I concluded He

was to blame for my being Trans and all the crap I brought into my

life . The goings on in the Catholic church over the years gave

legitimacy to my " up yours God " opinions and it seemed all was

written in stone ---viv was in the no God camp. Then.....over the

last months the possibility of me Transitioning was becoming less

and less due to health problems . I have been in such a dark place

of late I began to think "" is there God ??"" , I want God to exist ,

you know ???There are things going on I just cant control and folk

say if you ask Him to help He will take care of the difficult stuff.

I would not ask God to take away my health issues , I have accepted

I cannot Transition . But,,,there is this awful pain in me somewhere

that I am finding so much difficulty with . You see my whole adulthood

has been geared toward my Transition and now reality is banging down

my door the pain is proving difficult ,,I had to bug away from work

today as I kept breaking down ,,I am weeping most of the time and

to be honest I just wish this part of acceptance would go away .

Thats where I need help . I need to feel ok in myself prior to

asking God to forgive me . But I am gonna do that ,,I need His help.

viv the wimp ????oh yes folks . I am weak. luv,viv

[Guest Donna Jean]

Viv, Sweetheart......

Honey, you are much stronger than you think. I know that you will handle all of this. I have faith in you.

Going back to God is a personal thing and if it gives you peace and strength, do it...do what you need, Dear Heart....

You know that I love you....

And I'm here for you...

Donna Jean

[Guest Hoslers_wife]

God will bring you to your limit and when you can't take anymore, he will push you a little bit further. I have questioned God when I can't take anymore (your gonna get me crying again) I have cursed him and hated him for taking so much from me. He took my dad (ok, now I'm crying) he took my partner, he took my hope and all the happiness in my life but we need to hold on. As corny and ridiculous as it sounds, you WILL be stronger for it. I can't help you and I'm sorry but maybe this will.

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.

This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,

“You promised me Lord,

that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”

The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”

Please know that you have people that love you and above all, God loves you and is always by you.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

VIV

Difficult place to be and I don't have real answers. I DO know there are some ways to look at this that could lead you to a resolution. This is from my experiences and how I have worked it out. But they are of course only opinions.

(1) GOD is of course the CREATOR and the genuis builder if the universe and all that exists, including the very strange concept of time. Probably we can only perceive only a minute part of what is. So it is really unknowable.

(2) We have been designed to - through the collective history of humanity - be cognisant of our own existance and are allowed to question (makes us unique on this world, different from other creations, such as the higher animals

(3) GOD made us the way we are - individually and on a very intimate and personal level. I personally believe we are souls and we are chosing to inhabit these temporary husks - and experience life in a specific way - by our own choice. So believing that - not only did GOD make us transexual, but we understood that at tbe inception and agreed to exist in a time period as transsexual. WHY?

(4) It's like we have the rules and the physical setting (almost like fate) - but have a free will to see what we make of it? So we are also given no recollection of ANYTHING! Dumped here on earth at a certain instant (birthday) as a certain gender (Did we chose? Was it random? It certainly isn't a binary thing!) BUT at anytime the laws of physics and the capreciousness of chance - all that - can 'ping-pong' us all over hell and back.

(5) Hell is what is here on earth when things are evil or just plain bad. Hell is a consequence of certain outcomes of certain mixes of the rules. I don't understand why it is designed that way, just that by comparison the GOOD can be magnified a million times in value, maybe. Donno

(6) Somehow we benefit from all this, good and bad, wonderful and horrendious - as a soul. Some probably repeat - some do not want to (reincarnation).

(7) We have no choice but to believe in ETERNAL EXISTANCE or we slowly go mad. MAD in the old sense - lose our human-ness and become like the higher animals, except bitter and self distructive.

(8) Final observation? We cannot voluntarily hit the reset button (suicide). It ruins the setup somehow, causes damage to our... whatever... say our self-awareness and and our knowledge of what GOD is.

All that? DANG!!!

THE POINT? Well... work through your life choices, the limits now set by health issues, the disappointment, the trashing of your expectations - all that, with an overview of those concepts I quickly put together above. Perhaps you will see you have already transitioned. Perhaps other revelations will come your way...

Maybe you and the CREATOR will be together on the same page. You can tell him how HE/SHE/SPIRIT really PISSSED YOU OFF - and how it is okay - and laugh again.

Just me musing...

Elizabeth Anne

[Guest sarah f]

Viv from my point of view, God will always be there for his children. We just need to ask. We might not always get the answer we are looking for but he is there looking over us. We just have to have faith in him no matter how bad it gets. I hope you can get through the pain you are feeling very soon. I will always be here for you if you need someone to talk to.

[JJ]

Hi Viv

You are suffering a very real grief for the loss of that woman you planned to become. It will take time to heal that loss and move on to find the fullest realization of the woman you still are.

I don't think it matters if you got angry at God, or cursed God. The creator-force of good and creation that flows through everything-isn't limited, petty or small. For me if you take and throw out all the small, ugly, hurtful things in humanity and look at all the good, loving, noble, and creative things that are left you get a glimpse of God. Too big, too complex, too all good, for humans to begin to understand. It's there in love whether you are angry and turn away or not.

I don't understand-can't -why the things that are so horrible happen to good people, but there is a parable I heard ascribed to Maimonedes that helps me:

There once was a holy man who stopped one night at an inn. The innkeeper was an evil man who treated the holy man badly and cheated and lied to satisfy his lust for riches. Before he left the holy man caused a hole in the wall to be miraculously repaired.

He spent the next night with a poor, old couple who had only each other and one treasure-their cow. They insisted the holy man their have own food and sleep in their own bed while they slept in the barn. During the night their precious cow died. The next morning the holy man thanked them for their kindness and left.

The followers of the holy man asked him."How could you cause the wall to be repaired for that wicked evil innkeeper and yet let the cow die for that Godly couple?"

The Holy man smiled and replied "You do not see the whole picture so you cannot understand the ways of God. There was a great hoard of gold coins hidden in that wall which the evil innkeeper would have discovered had he repaired the wall instead. And the poor couple? The wife of the poor man, whom he cherished more than life itself, was due to die that night. God in mercy for their goodness took the cow instead"

I think of that story often when something horrible happens-I just don't understand the whole picture.

Please forgive me for having to paraphrase it as best I could. I couldn't find a copy and first heard it 40 years ago.

May you find some peace with your creator and some solace till the sun can shine for you again!

Love

JJ

JJ

[Guest chngnwnd]

Viv,

God does not expect us to be saintly or even all that good in order to ask his forgiveness - he will give it if we ask...

A starving man appreciates a loaf of bread much more than a well fed millionaire - asking forgiveness is like asking for that loaf of bread...

Faith is sometimes difficult to have, but we must believe God loves us and has a plan for us - maybe we can't see it or understand it, but he moves in our lives everyday...

I will keep you in my prayers...

love

Bobbie

[Guest viv]

Thanks Friends . I love what you all said and I do find comfort

in your opinion and that gives me the hope that I will again

feel the happiness of life and love. There is a Singer I have

been listening to all my life , Roger Waters. He is a big anti

war type and wears his heart on his sleeve through his music.

I have been singing and humming one of his songs to myself over

the past week or so " The Tide is Turning", I love that song .

We have all heard the story of the drowning man ,,his hand

stretched out and praying for that grip which will save him.

I am so aware I am just like that man ,I am as aware that only

the love of God will save me .So yes,for me,The Tide is Turning.

Thanks again ,,,luv,viv