Biography Of Ashley

[Guest FrozenCall]

This is the biography of me. It’s a little long, so I hope I made it interesting .

I was born in June of 1986. That makes me 24 this year. I don’t have many memories from early childhood, but the first one I can remember is also perhaps the earliest memory I have of feeling that something was not right.

I remember speaking to my mother about breasts. I don’t remember how the topic came up, but I seemed to be under the impression that I would be growing them like her. She told me no, that boys don’t grow them. I must have been three or four at the time. I don’t remember exactly how I felt about that.

The earliest clear memory I have about feeling that I was meant to be a girl was when I was about five or six. I had just finished watching a movie with my older brother and sister in which one of the characters is revealed to be a transwoman. I was shocked, because before I had assumed that it was an impossible thing to do. I asked my sister, and she said that yes, people could do that if they wanted to, and that scared me.

I have no idea why it scared me so much. Part of me desperately wanted to grow up to be a woman, but another part of me was terrified at what I would have to go through to do it. I was told that men who wanted to be women could have surgery to switch their boy parts for girl parts. I was so scared that I promised God that I would never have the surgery done. I didn’t tell anyone about it for a long time.

I would never hold myself to that promise. It was made by a scared child, and if God does exist, I would never expect her to hold me to it.

My elementary school years were not easy. I was a bright child, but was angry a lot of the time. I didn’t have any friends, boy or girl. My brother was my only companion. He was about a year older, and we have always had a very close relationship. Where I was always awkward, sad, or angry, he was clever, charismatic, and friendly. Everyone liked him, so there was great benefit being related to him. He protected me whenever he could, as would my sister, if it came to it. But she was about seven years older, so our paths seldom crossed.

It has been suggested by a couple of my psychologists that I have Asperger’s syndrome, and that is why I have been awkward socially. It doesn’t make much difference to me. As far as I am concerned, it is a meaningless label. But I have never been very social. Lately I have wanted friends, as I think it would help me to have them, but the thought of spending time with boys or men pains me, and I don’t know where to begin with women.

It was painful to me whenever we would go to the pool or the beach in my early childhood. I would see my sister, or other girls in their bikinis. It was a reminder of what I desperately wanted but what I could never have. I felt terribly depressed and trapped in my own body. It felt like death was the only way out, but I was never suicidal. But sometimes I would long to die by disease or by a terrible accident so that I could be reborn the way I was supposed to be.

Things became complicated when I went through middle school. My anger increased and I continued to isolate myself. I would spend every break alone, avoiding anyone who approached. This was also the time when the other girls started to develop. I was being left behind, and I wished more than anything that I could join them. They were becoming women, while I was just growing big and monstrous. My anger was never directed at anyone but myself. I would slam my fists on hard tables, doors and walls, bang my fists into my head repeatedly and yank at my hair when I was mad at myself. My self-loathing had taken root, and would fester for over a decade.

In high school, I was a ghost. I would talk to people who spoke to me first, but otherwise I avoided everyone and everything. My anger had subsided, somewhat, but my self-hatred was still strong. There were times when I wanted friends, but I didn’t know where to begin, so I avoided it. Isolation seemed to suit me.

I began seeing a psychologist for depression. She diagnosed me with depression and sent me to a psychiatrist to get anti-depressants. They helped, but they could do nothing for my deepest problem. I didn’t have the courage to tell my psychologist that I wanted to be a girl, but I did manage to lead her to that conclusion one session by dancing around the bush. I felt extremely humiliated and ashamed as I told her about it, and I know I had no reason to be. But shame and humiliation has always been an obstacle of mine.

My psychologist worked with me on it for some time, and eventually I told my mom about my condition. I think she was largely in denial. My mom told me that she didn’t see it in me, that I had always been very male in my thinking and gestures and habits. I eventually just let the issue drop and hid it away again. As Linkin Park put it, “it’s easier to run, replacing this pain with something numb.” That’s exactly what I did.

I have problems with anxiety that have manifested with a serious phobia of vomiting. This was another problem that I avoided facing until an episode last summer when I had a bout with food poisoning. I never did throw up, but I came close a few times, and it put me in such an extreme case of anxiety that for the next month or so I was hardly eating at all. I even lost twenty pounds in the course of two weeks, and I’m pretty thin to begin with. My parents were very worried about me, to the point that they considered having me committed if I didn’t start eating more.

So I started seeing a psychologist again, this time to work specifically on my anxiety and depression. She was aggressive with me, and very goal oriented, and would push me like no other psychologist I had seen before had. With her I worked on the anxiety, and I started getting better. I told her about my Gender Identity issues, and it was much easier to talk about them this time. Perhaps maturity had lessened my feelings on the subject. She worked to help me with them, and was convinced that it was the root of my other problems, specifically my problems with depression and anxiety. I was very much inclined to agree.

I had to switch medical insurance, and I won't go in to detail why, but I also had to find a new psychologist. But luckily my new psychologist is working just as well as my old one, and I’m working with a very skilled and experienced psychiatrist. They are working with different medications with me to manage my depression and anxiety issues, and are working together to help me with my gender identity issues as well. (Luckily they work in the same building). I haven’t been in a better place in years, psychologically. My self-hatred seems to have evaporated, and I no longer think I look hideous. I think that with some work, I could look like an attractive young lady someday soon.

I have been blessed with a very accepting and open-minded family. I came out to my older brother and sister, and they couldn’t have taken it better. They were very much “whatever makes you happy” with smiles on their faces, and let me know that I would always have their support. My parents have had a more difficult time with it, but they have made it clear to me that whatever I decide, they will support and love me.

At this point, I’m not exactly sure where to go next. My psychologist and psychiatrist, as experienced and skilled as they are, do not have much experience in this field. My psychologist insisted that I find a support group, and since there were no local ones around me, I found this one online, which was originally recommended to me by another who shares my condition. I know that living as a woman and hormone replacement therapy comes next, along with electrolysis of the face, but I am having difficulty moving forward.

I came to this site so that I could share and compare my story with others who have had similar struggles. I am still trying to find myself, still trying to decide exactly what I am. I have always been attracted to the idea of having a female form, but I have never been especially feminine. But at the same time I strictly avoid most masculine things, and would never consider myself masculine. In fact I have often referred to myself as androgynous in my habits and style of clothing.

Hopefully as I read more stories on this site and get to know more of you, it will give me more insight on my own condition.

-Ashley

[Guest sarah f]

Ashley I am glad you decided to join the site. I just want to let you know we all here are family and treat each other with respect and love. I hope you can feel the love that is shown and maybe we can help you along your journey. I look forward to seeing more from you.

[JJ]

Hi Ashley,

Welcome to Laura's. You will find many, many stories similar to yours here. And people who will listen and answer questions and understand.

I am glad you have found this very special place.

Hugs

JJ

[Guest Emily Ray]

Ashley,

That was a touching biography and it shares many commonalities with my own. I first learned about transsexuals in the eighth grade. I thought to myself I could't go through with the two year process. At that time in my life two years was like an eternity. I never really thought about why I would even have the thought abought going through a sex change in the first place. now thirty one years later it is obvious. my earliest memory regarding this subject involved me at three or four finding out that boys don't play with dolls. Before that I don't think I even knew there was a difference I just played mommy and that was that. At thirty-nine there is only one thing as important to me as transition and that is becoming a mother.

I am happy that you are starting to find the peace about yourself that you so much deserve. Welcme to laura's I hope you find the friends here that I have. I tend to agree with you that you don't have aspergers syndrome. Five months in to transsition and I have become a social butterfly. that lonely catapilar I wa before has benn transformed. If you work at it you will undoubtedly experience the same thing in your own life and I know that you will work at it and achieve all your goals for life and happiness.

Huggs

Emily

PS you need five posts before you can PM others so continue making those posts

[Guest Opal]

Hi Ashley,

Thank you for your courage in sharing your Biography here on Laura's! Please do explore the different possibilities in your identity. I share your situation of not having a local support group. Have you ever attended a Pride event? I am hoping to attend my first event soon.

Laura's is a great on-line support group! Hope you will continue to post here and take advantage of the information found here.

Hugs,

Opal

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Ashley - PLEASE post once more! I want to work with you a bit. I am older but your story is about the same as mine especially where you wrote: My self-loathing had taken root, and would fester for over a decade.

I too was never particularly effiminate but was never really that masculine. My sisters said I NEVER exhibited any gender dysphoria when I was growing up with them, when I KNOW it was so obvious.

In any case - you talk about the next steps and that is what I wish to discuss. What you think is not necessarily what you may want to do, it takes some understanding about yourself and what you are.

Just to give you a background I did decide to transition and just under two years into it, living full time except at work. It was the right thing for me - but it is expensive in emotional costs.

So if you have not disappeared, I believe we here at Laura's are what you need - support by a non-judgemental group of people who are very similar to yourself. So PLEASE post and get the PM priviledges (occurs at post 5) so we can talk, and others can contact you.

Lizzy

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Ashley,

<<< hug >>>

Thank you for sharing so much of your self with all of us

vanna