Frustration And Release? :(

[Guest Carly]

Hello all...

I very much welcome anyone's opinion on this one. I've been lurking on this board for years but I finally got the courage to type out my story. I'd love your thoughts and opinions. I really respect everyone's opinions and thoughts on this board.

As a warning, there is a sexual element to my posting so please do not read further if this sort of thing offends you. However, I would not be able to tell my story without it.

I'm currently a 32yo living as a male.

Around the time when I was 6 or 7, I started dressing up in my older sisters clothes. I think the first thing I wore was a dance recital outfit. I don't remember putting it on because it was feminine. All I remember was that it was tight and it felt good, especially around my genital region. I started to wear it every single day..and I gradually started wearing other things. No idea where it moved on from there but, needless to say, by the time I was 10, I was wearing panties, bra's, skirts, etc. I even remember saying out loud (to no one) that I wanted a sex change around that time. However, every time I dressed up, there as always something tight around my waist and I would squeeze my legs together and, although I didn't know it at the time, I was creating an orgasm. All I knew was that it felt amazing, like nothing I had ever felt before, and I became addicted.

Time went on and I became attracted to men, almost exclusively. I dated women but my attraction to them was really more emotional. I don't remember ever thinking that I wanted to BE them. I realized that what I was doing was masturbatory in nature and eventually learned to do it the "regular" way. Although crossdressing and fantasies came and went throughout this period, they were always there to a greater or lesser extent. However, I discovered males and gay erotica and that became my primary sort of release.

I had 3 gay relationships early on after coming out to my parents as gay. All 3 failed miserably and each broke my heart in their own way and hurt me tremendously. After the 3rd (which was 7 years ago), I haven't dated anyone regular since. My fantasies about dressing up and being a woman have gotten stronger since then. I live alone and have accumulated a very small arsenal of clothes. I've had regular bouts with severe depression and anxiety. I've even seen a dr here about starting hormones.

However, all of my fantasies regarding my gender are always sexual. There is never a time when I just daydream without it being sexual. Now, when I say that, I don't mean that they always involve another person. My fantasies could simply be about starting hormones or laying on a beach in a bikini or just having breasts. All of those things could turn me on (in addition to being treated as a male).

A lot of what I've read seems to classify me as a typical transsexual, i guess, but the sexual element is what confuses and frustrates me. If I don't release myself with thinking about that, a lot of times it will go away for a time, only to return eventually when I reach a point of utter frustration or depression in my life. I don't dress up very much even though I live alone. I don't always shave my body. I've never been out dressed. Also, as soon as I ejaculate, all of that "need" goes away. It's not disgust or shame that I feel in the least. I typcally just take all of those clothes off...until the need returns.

I live as a masculine gay male. There's really not a lot feminine about me. I think if I did eventually come out, friends would be very, very shocked.

However, I'm at a loss. Like I said, I've never written anything on these boards before. I just need some advice, thoughts, or help. Am I really trans? Do I just have a strong fetish? Is it a depression-coping method?

I dunno.

PS. Sorry this is so long. It's been a very long time leading up to this.

[MaryEllen]

Hello Carly,

Glad that you've decided to come in out of the cold. (figuratively speaking) LOL Carly, what I'd recommend is to book an appointment with a therapist trained in transgender issues. He/she can help you sort out these questions that you have.

MaryEllen

[Guest Carly]

No one else?

[MaryEllen]

We can give you advice from individual experiences but a gender therapist is the way to go if you really want to find out what you are. Perhaps some of our members will come along and share their stories with you. Maybe you can get some insight from this page. Good luck.

MaryEllen

http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/

[Carolyn Marie]

Hello, Carly. Sorry I missed your post yesterday, but at least its back on the front page today.

There are similarities in our stories, you and I, that might help enlighten you.

I too started cross dressng when I was in my early teens, and did so until meeting my wife to-be. In my case, though, I wished and prayed to be turned into a girl at an early age. Where you and I differ is that I never had nor sought relationships with men. I had pretty thoroughly repressed any such feelings, and even stopped cross dressing for 20 years until Carolyn resurfaced last year.

I too was very confused and conflicted when I first came here. I got a lot of answers to my questions from reading, and from friends that I made. Ultimately I had an aha! moment after posting a question about sexuality, and decided that I needed to see a G.T. so I could be sure.

The issue of sexual attraction vs. gender identity is very complex. Suffice it to say that some TS women are attracted to men and see themselves as heterosexual. Others are attracted solely to women and see themselves as lesbian. Others identify as bi-sexual, and so on. That's why its referred to as the "gender spectrum." It is very fluid, and one's preferences and identity can change over time.

I discovered through therapy that I am indeed a TS woman, and I am five months into transiton. Your situation may be totally different, but only you can know that for sure, usually with the advice of a G.T.

I hope this helps. Once you get 5 posts you can use the PM system and I would be happy to talk with you off line if you still have questions, or you can post them in the forums.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Carly]

Carolyn,

Thank you for your response and I look forward to speaking with you more. I'm glad that I am not alone in this. It's just so severely frustrating for me.

[Guest Jo-I-Dunno]

A lot of your story matches with me, but even more is far different.

However, every time I dressed up, there as always something tight around my waist and I would squeeze my legs together and, although I didn't know it at the time, I was creating an orgasm. All I knew was that it felt amazing, like nothing I had ever felt before, and I became addicted.

I, too, have a less-than-orthodox way to pleasure myself, and I discovered it young without knowing what it was. Imagine a kid on their belly watching TV, holding their head up with their hands, slowly kicking their feet. Well, I kick fast and get the blood flowing... you get the idea. But, unlike you, I've never been able to do it the "normal" way.

However, all of my fantasies regarding my gender are always sexual. There is never a time when I just daydream without it being sexual. Now, when I say that, I don't mean that they always involve another person. My fantasies could simply be about starting hormones or laying on a beach in a bikini or just having breasts. All of those things could turn me on (in addition to being treated as a male)... Also, as soon as I ejaculate, all of that "need" goes away. It's not disgust or shame that I feel in the least. I typcally just take all of those clothes off...until the need returns.

I'm not sure about my time-table at all, but for 2-5 years, this was the case with me. It never involved dressing, but all my gender-bending feelings were entirely sexual. Fantasizing about a partner was extremely rare, only when I consciously wanted to try it. The rest of the time, it was just imagining myself with parts of or a whole woman's body. And as soon as I'd ejaculate, it'd go away entirely. Same with you. Not disgust or shame. I'd just move on with my life until next time.

I live as a masculine gay male. There's really not a lot feminine about me. I think if I did eventually come out, friends would be very, very shocked.

However, I'm at a loss. Like I said, I've never written anything on these boards before. I just need some advice, thoughts, or help. Am I really trans? Do I just have a strong fetish? Is it a depression-coping method?

I dunno.

PS. Sorry this is so long. It's been a very long time leading up to this.

There's not a lot feminine about me, either. I'm not even gay. I'm not really attracted to other people at all; it's all focused on transforming myself.

I've been through a lot of stages of trying to label myself. Asking "Am I really trans?" suggests there's only one way to be trans. While I think there probably is some developmental anomaly that clearly genders some peoples' brains differently from their bodies, there are simply too many different stories on these boards for that to account for all "trans". I've given up trying to label myself. I'm not looking to diagnose a disease so I can know the cure. I'm just me, searching for what makes me comfortable.

Again, the usual advise is, see a therapist. In your case, you'll definitely need a gender specialist since therapists who only dabble in gender issues would be clueless to a case as unique as yours.

If you think it's purely sexual, physical transition is dangerous. HRT often eliminates libido, and you'd be left with boobs that no longer excite you. But explore your feelings. Maybe there's more, or maybe there's some middle you could be happy at.

In my case, I am on HRT, but I'm not going "full time" or even "part time". No time. For now, I'm just me, slowly getting prettier. If my feelings change, I'll change accordingly. I definitely don't want to be a hairy, muscular man, that much I know. I'm just gonna be somewhere in the middle wherever I'm comfortable.

P.S.

Have you looked up "autogynephilia". If you dig into that topic, you'll probably find some stories that match yours. Look up "autogynephilia narratives" to find stories kind of like yours. At the same time, it's controversial, so keep that in mind.

[Guest Roux]

Hey there, Carly. =)

Jo beat me to it! FYI, most (all?) of the autogynephilia info on this board is hanging out in the "Transgenderists" forum.

Even if that doesn't help you at all, hopefully it'll be interesting reading. Good luck!

[Guest Carly]

A lot of your story matches with me, but even more is far different.

I, too, have a less-than-orthodox way to pleasure myself, and I discovered it young without knowing what it was. Imagine a kid on their belly watching TV, holding their head up with their hands, slowly kicking their feet. Well, I kick fast and get the blood flowing... you get the idea. But, unlike you, I've never been able to do it the "normal" way.

Wow...that's crazy!! That's VERY similar to how I started. Like I said, I didn't realize what I was doing. I would cross my legs like a girl does and, somehow, with the way my bits were rubbing up against the fabric, it created bliss for me. I didn't know until MUCH later on what I was doing. So...again...it seems like my trans feelings were there BEFORE it became sexual...or was it because of it? I don't know

I'm not sure about my time-table at all, but for 2-5 years, this was the case with me. It never involved dressing, but all my gender-bending feelings were entirely sexual. Fantasizing about a partner was extremely rare, only when I consciously wanted to try it. The rest of the time, it was just imagining myself with parts of or a whole woman's body. And as soon as I'd ejaculate, it'd go away entirely. Same with you. Not disgust or shame. I'd just move on with my life until next time.

Exactly. However, my problem is that I've always been somewhat of a sex addict. I'm too afraid of catching something so I rarely have it with others but I'm pretty obsessed with doing it with myself. Again, Im not sure if it was born out of the dressing up or what. My biggest problem is trying to figure out which came first .

Again, the usual advise is, see a therapist. In your case, you'll definitely need a gender specialist since therapists who only dabble in gender issues would be clueless to a case as unique as yours.

If you think it's purely sexual, physical transition is dangerous. HRT often eliminates libido, and you'd be left with boobs that no longer excite you. But explore your feelings. Maybe there's more, or maybe there's some middle you could be happy at.

In my case, I am on HRT, but I'm not going "full time" or even "part time". No time. For now, I'm just me, slowly getting prettier. If my feelings change, I'll change accordingly. I definitely don't want to be a hairy, muscular man, that much I know. I'm just gonna be somewhere in the middle wherever I'm comfortable.

P.S.

Have you looked up "autogynephilia". If you dig into that topic, you'll probably find some stories that match yours. Look up "autogynephilia narratives" to find stories kind of like yours. At the same time, it's controversial, so keep that in mind.

Right, the problem is that all the trans therapists seem to be out-of-network and it seems really silly to pay all of this money to insurance and then not use it

The weird thing is that I have a friend who is on hormones and t-blockers forever. She has gotten VERY good results with her breasts and whatknot and still can *ahem* get it up without issue. Her sexual drive has not dropped (and it is HUGE). So I'm not sure if that is a guaranteed result. Sometimes I think I'll be so turned on by having breasts and whatknot...that I'll end up doing it more. Like I said, even the idea of going and starting makes me reach bliss. I was going nuts in the doctors office when I went to talk to him about it.

May I ask what finally pushed you to start HRT? When you started (at what age)?

I'm also VERY well aware of autogynephelia. As soon as I discovered it, I KNEW that was what I was. I never felt like I could pinpoint it.

However, it doesn't really mean much.

I just wish there was a way to diagnose me. I mean, I wish I could walk into a therapists office and they could tell me that I was trans. That there was a test of some sort.

[Guest Jo-I-Dunno]

Sometimes I think I'll be so turned on by having breasts and whatknot...that I'll end up doing it more. Like I said, even the idea of going and starting makes me reach bliss. I was going nuts in the doctors office when I went to talk to him about it.

May I ask what finally pushed you to start HRT? When you started (at what age)?

If the thought of starting is erotic, then I want you to think about this. Is it the final result, or just the transformation? Like, does being a woman turn you on, or becoming a woman? I must admit, in my case, the transformation sounds much more exciting than the being.

I'm 18 and I started HRT about 4 months ago. I, admittedly am turned on by just the knowledge I'm changing. Maybe that has something to do with my still fairly strong libido, slowly living out my fantasy 24/7.

But the final thing that pushed me to actually address all this is when I realized it was more than just sexual. Something deep inside me says I'm not just plain a boy. I won't be happy if I just continue living as one. That doesn't mean I'll be happier as a girl, but I know I won't be happy if I do nothing. There are still a lot o roads I may end up taking. But, as far as I could come up with, they all include HRT.

Like I've said before, you don't have to be sure about transition or your future to be sure about starting HRT.

As for the therapist thing, I found a completely legitimate LGBT health center in Chicago with very lax requirements for HRT. One visit with one of their therapists just to make sure you're aware of the risks and such. Informed consent. Actually, I don't really approve of how easy it was for me to start. But I'm taking advantage of it. I'm not going to deny myself my dreams on principle. As big as New York is, I'm sure you could find something similar.

[Guest Carly]

If the thought of starting is erotic, then I want you to think about this. Is it the final result, or just the transformation? Like, does being a woman turn you on, or becoming a woman? I must admit, in my case, the transformation sounds much more exciting than the being.

As for the therapist thing, I found a completely legitimate LGBT health center in Chicago with very lax requirements for HRT. One visit with one of their therapists just to make sure you're aware of the risks and such. Informed consent. Actually, I don't really approve of how easy it was for me to start. But I'm taking advantage of it. I'm not going to deny myself my dreams on principle. As big as New York is, I'm sure you could find something similar.

It's the transformation AND the being that turns me on immensely. It's just really hot to me

I know there are places I could go. I had an appointment with a dr. here in the city who is really lax and would have staretd me on them right away but I chickened out. Even making the appointment was enough for me to be turned on.

[Guest Jo-I-Dunno]

It's the transformation AND the being that turns me on immensely. It's just really hot to me

I know there are places I could go. I had an appointment with a dr. here in the city who is really lax and would have staretd me on them right away but I chickened out. Even making the appointment was enough for me to be turned on.

That does sound pretty intense. There's nothing wrong with that, it just gives you all the more reason to make sure your judgement isn't clouded. Think hard about it in that period when the "need goes away". In that state, when you don't "need" it, would you be able to accept it? And is it worth and possible social alienation? Things like that. Reason it out, sexuality aside.

[Guest Carly]

That does sound pretty intense. There's nothing wrong with that, it just gives you all the more reason to make sure your judgement isn't clouded. Think hard about it in that period when the "need goes away". In that state, when you don't "need" it, would you be able to accept it? And is it worth and possible social alienation? Things like that. Reason it out, sexuality aside.

Well, there's really no "going away." I mean...even if i were to dress around the house or to go out and do mundane things, the sexuality would still be there. They are intrinsically linked. There is no bigger turn on for me than to be looked at and thought of as a woman.

[Guest Jo-I-Dunno]

Well, there's really no "going away." I mean...even if i were to dress around the house or to go out and do mundane things, the sexuality would still be there. They are intrinsically linked. There is no bigger turn on for me than to be looked at and thought of as a woman.

No, I mean after you orgasm, when you're not looking at the situation sexually. If you still want it then, or at least wouldn't mind, then that's a plus for reasoning out starting HRT.

[Guest Carly]

No, I mean after you orgasm, when you're not looking at the situation sexually. If you still want it then, or at least wouldn't mind, then that's a plus for reasoning out starting HRT.

Hmm...i guess i don't want it...and i don't NOT want it. It's neither here nor there. I feel like I could survive both ways. I just feel i'd be sexier or more attractive to men as a woman.

[Guest Jennyw157]

Hi Carly,

I just read this forum, I've been really busy lately and have not had time to sign in here. I can relate so much to your story, I'm 48 years old and all my life I have had the same sexual things and feelings.

I wonder all the time if I'm just addicted to the sexual aspect of being a woman or the transitioning and same here it always seems to diminish after sexual release. Not as much anymore since I've been living a lot more as Jenny.

I have always fantasized about being with a man and see myself as a woman during sexual activities, tho I haven't done that yet, but the biggest difference with me is I have always prayed and wished I could wake up some morning and be female. It's all I can think about 24/7 it's always on my mind and has been as far back as I can remember plus it's always been a huge turn-on.

I just thought it was interesting when you said the feelings go away after sexual release, cause I find it so hard anymore to go back to being male and take off the female cloths that I will masterbate and I use that moment so that I can take off the female cloths with less pain and go back into playing the role of being a man. My biggest fear is, it seems that recovery time is getting shorter and shorter and if it stops it's going to be nearly impossible to switch back..

I know this doesn't help, but I thought it was interesting, cause I'd also like to know for sure that I'm not just doing this to excape reality or for sexual reasons only. I've been seeing a therapist for several months and she leads me to believe that I am trans, so I'm trying to figure this whole thing out as well. One thing is for sure a gender therapist is the way to go and this is the best place to be, everyone here is so wonderful and I'm learning so much from this site...

Take care!!!

(((Big Huggs)))

Jenny

[Guest Carly]

Jenny,

Thank you so much for telling your story. It is greatly appreciated!

Let me ask you this: how do you know your therapist is leaning towards your being trans? everyone keeps telling me that I cannot have a therapist tell me what I am...though I would love someone to just come out and say it

[Guest Jennyw157]

Hi Carly,

My therapist didn't come out and say I was Trans, I just meant from the things she says leads me to believe I am. Sorry about that...

I don't think a therapist would or could say what we are, I think that is up to us to figure out.

Somedays I don't know what the hell I am....

(((HUGGS)))

Jenny

[Guest Carly]

So a slight update...

One of the things I don't believe I mentioned is that I really haven't dated much over the last 7 years. For some reason, I've been too afraid to do it because I know that, eventually, I'm going to have to admit my preferences to the men I date. Since I am looking for a relationship and present as a man, I really don't have a choice but to date gay men. The straight men than I've been with all say they WOULD date me but, unfortunately, I'm not full time nor am I on hormones and that seems to be the big sticking point, understandably.

So...I met a gay man...who is very sweet, a bit older than I...and he's a make-up artist. I actually disclosed my preferences to him since I feel like I could definitely learn something from him and I also didn't think I would be judged. Turns out...it's extremely exciting for him as well. He's always wanted a boyfriend that he could transform and whatknot and, for some reason, he's always been attracted to trans (but not drag queens).

He says he'd have no problems if i transitioned...etc.

Anyway...I guess there's a part of me that sees this as a big opportunity to find out where I stand. It's someone that can help me look "real" and help me with my wardrobe. And plus, he's a total sweetie.

Of course, nothing seems to change: it's left me completely paralyzed and now I'm scared of this opportunity. It's just so strange.

[Guest Orva26]

Hello Carly, your story really resonates with me as it is fairly similar to my situation. I also have this sexual connection though dressing is a fairly recent reaction. As far as I can remember some of my earliest fantasies involved transformation, not always to a woman specifically but quickly that's where the focus has shifted and remained. Its only after years of this that I have begun to question my actual identity and now I'm at the point of wondering who I want to be for the rest of my life, my male self that is known and accepted or do I want to try and become the female self that I have often fantasized of?

I don't think that it is strange at all that you're confused, hesitant, and scared. You are facing a large decision, one that may alter you life it should be approached with caution and much thorough thought. I wish you the best of luck on your journey, where ever it may take you.

[Guest Carly]

Well, I've decided I want to try something.

A friend of mine told me he'd help me out on New Years if i wanted to go to a party dressed up. It will be a mixed party (straight/gay) but he's very good at makeup and told me he'd help me pick out something to wear.

Also, I started taking finasteride because I told my dr that I'm concerned about my hair line. Well, it's very strange: i feel oddly calm on it. I didn't think it would have ANY effect emotionally on me but...I don't know if that's something I should notate or just think it's a weird coincidence?

[Guest Orva26]

Seeing this topic pop back up today definitely helped me out!

I should go back and read everything I've writen to put stuff in perspective.

But the final thing that pushed me to actually address all this is when I realized it was more than just sexual. Something deep inside me says I'm not just plain a boy. I won't be happy if I just continue living as one. That doesn't mean I'll be happier as a girl, but I know I won't be happy if I do nothing. There are still a lot o roads I may end up taking. But, as far as I could come up with, they all include HRT.

This really gave me peace of mind because it is really where I am at.

Anyway, that party idea sounds great! I think it will be a good inicator of things. Unfortunately I know nothing of finasteride so I cannot provide any help there.

[Guest DawnK]

...Also, I started taking finasteride because I told my dr that I'm concerned about my hair line. Well, it's very strange: i feel oddly calm on it. I didn't think it would have ANY effect emotionally on me but...I don't know if that's something I should notate or just think it's a weird coincidence?

I think you should note any effects when taking a new med. I was out of work for a month when my doctor put me on a new cholestoral med. I have chronic back problems and thought I'd just twisted my back rolling over in bed, but after being in bed for 3 weeks, I did some research on the side effects of my meds and found that in 3% of the people, it could cause severe muscle and joint pain. I immediately went off of it and was back to work a week later.

And if you're on other meds, no one knows what the side effects can be when mixed with other medications. So be sure to note and check on anything that's out of the ordinary.

Take Care.

dk

[Guest Carly]

Nothing out of the ordinary, so far. Just that calmness that I described. Didn't know if it would have anything to do with suppressing the testosterone.

[Guest Carly]

You know what's weird...I hadn't taken the finasteride for a few days...and I just took it today. I'm much MUCH calmer on it. And I feel better on it. Is that ridiculous? Just my mind playing tricks? I know a lot of girls say that when their testosterone is lowered, that can happen...or when they take hormones that it happens.

I'm still grappling with that possibility.