Agoraphobia

[Guest nior]

Descent

Twenty minutes

That is all it took

Twenty bloody minutes

Smaller trip within a larger one

One way journey to the edge

Even now four days later

Still find myself there.

Suppose to be a quiet and stress free ride

Upon the TTC #506 streetcar

To my biweekly counselling session

Admit the streetcar is longer

Personal refuge for my thoughts

Wander carefree across the passing cityscape.

Dante says

Hell has nine circles

In his poem, Inferno

Yet ignorant of the sub-circles

Existing only for victims

Of psychological trauma.

Stop after stop

More and more passengers board

Not even halfway through my journey

Driver announces over the PA system

"Please move to the back"

Very unusual step to take

Given it is only 2:30 pm

Rush hour is 90 minutes away.

Please bear with me

As i am still recovering

From my traumatic experience.

Suffer extreme anxiety/panic attacks

Triggered by the lost of personal space

People packed within millimeters

Of each other and more coming

New meaning to "packed like sardines"

Have i left Toronto and been teleported to Tokyo

Without my knowledge

While my eyes were closed?

Find myself shrinking

Both physically and emotionally

Vain attempt to retain balance

Hold myself together until my stop.

Each passing minute

My soul plummets

Like a bullet shot from a gun

Abruptly stopping as i hit

Lowest of the lowest

Of the aforementioned sub-circles.

Mentally five year old girl

Steps off the streetcar

Instead of the forty year old woman.

My defences

Dangerously brittle and thin

Ready to snap at any moment

Without warning

Unleashing a flood of tears

Shaming Niagara Falls

By it's shear volume.

Wish i could say

Counselling session halted my free fall

Dead in its' tracks

Delusion dream on my part

Rather slow it down

Like pumping the emergency brakes

On a runaway tractor-trailer.

Must leave you

As my body

Threatens to shut down again

Welcoming Morpheus' sweet embrace

With his gentle kiss of oblivion.

[Guest Patsy]

That is impressive on so many levels, I'm lost for words!

Thank you for sharing that,Nior,& I hope the effects of your experience

fade very, very quickly.

Hugs,

Patsy

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Nior hon,

I too went through a period of time when I could not handle being outside. Things got pretty bad for me during that time. Inspite of being uncomfortable, you see that nothing bad really happened to you. This is what I had to work through. Eventhough, I was uncomfortable, nothing terrible really happened (which is the source of the fear... something bad will happen). In time, I overcame my fear and can exist outside and do what I need to do.

You rode that street car for a purpose. Always keep that purpose in mind. Others ride the street car for their purposes.

As they go about their business, so will you.

Love

Brenda

[Guest nior]

Nior hon,

I too went through a period of time when I could not handle being outside. Things got pretty bad for me during that time. Inspite of being uncomfortable, you see that nothing bad really happened to you. This is what I had to work through. Eventhough, I was uncomfortable, nothing terrible really happened (which is the source of the fear... something bad will happen). In time, I overcame my fear and can exist outside and do what I need to do.

You rode that street car for a purpose. Always keep that purpose in mind. Others ride the street car for their purposes.

As they go about their business, so will you.

Love

Brenda

I have always had issues with large gathering of people. Think it, maybe, the result of beatings that I was subjected to as a child and the huge crowds that gathered around to witness them. But this latest explosion of Agoraphobia happened 4 yrs ago on a packed subway car.

nior.

[Guest nior]

That is impressive on so many levels, I'm lost for words!

Thank you for sharing that,Nior,& I hope the effects of your experience

fade very, very quickly.

Hugs,

Patsy

Thanks, Patsy. I wrote this poem on April 4-5, after the events that occurred on April 1st, 2010. Attempting to find a way, which allows for it, to peacefully exit my psyche.

nior