Transition Newbie

[Guest JayJaye]

How did you first start living as a male? Cold turkey? Or were you sort of androgynous?

I've been dressing 100% male for the last 10 days and feel really comfortable. I even found myself wanting to wear ties at work!! Yep, I guess that's the gay male in me, lol, because all the straight men I've known in my life loathe ties. Nobody at work said anything about my clothes, they liked my hair (still not masculine enough but I may get it cut again this week).

Did you come out to family and friends first? Or just introduce yourself to new people as male??

Any suggestions welcome. I"m still not sure about coming out. I've always been kind of odd in my family and I doubt they will comment on the clothes because they are far better than anything I wore as a woman, lol. I'm sure they'll chalk it up to my eccentricity.

I feel 100% comfortable in my new clothes, it's where I'm supposed to be. I don't feel like a fraud or a poser at all. When dressed in nicer women's clothing (which I tried many, many times!) I felt gross and creepy and couldn't wait to get them off my body. They literally made my skin crawl. Skirts and pantyhose especially. ::shudder!!:: as well as jewelry.

Anyway, I'm rambling. Any thoughts, I'd love to hear them!!

Jay

[Guest Snow Angel]

Lots of straight successful businessmen like and wear ties. Suits look really good on men that know how to wear them. It's not a gay thing.

[Guest harvester52]

I'm a straight guy, and I enjoy wearing a nice button down and a tie.

As for coming out... I introduced myself as male to strangers long before I came out to my parents/family. My dad, in fact, still does not know that I live full time as male outside of the house. He stays out of my life, so it works well. If you have more invasive parents, i.e. the ones who must know what you're doing and where you're at all the time, it might be best to come out to them first if you think it'll be safe.

[Guest Huff]

If you're ready to start using male pronouns and bathrooms and such at work, you'll probably have to vocalize it to someone. Who that 'someone' is will depend on your corporate climate. If there's a good chain of command, then probably your supervisor (unless that person is obviously homo- or trans-phobic and then go to THEIR supervisor, etc). Good luck with the family. That's usually tough.

Oh, and I like ties too. I suspect that when the novelty wears off I might like them less... but for now it's me getting to look GOOD for once. And that's just cool.

Michael

[Guest Wolfgang E. Beilschmidt]

How did you first start living as a male? Cold turkey? Or were you sort of androgynous?

I had been doing the androgenous look since around age 11, mostly with hand-me-down clothes from my parents and brother. It wasn't until I came out to my family that I finally was able to give myself permission to shop in the men's department. That was at age 36--pathetic, eh? I've been on T for a year and a half, but since I don't pass yet, I guess one could still call my look androgenous.

I look forward to the day I can wear a suit and tie out in public. It's going to take some surgery and more time on T to get there, but I'm on my way.

Did you come out to family and friends first? Or just introduce yourself to new people as male??

I came out to my parents first. They were shocked. My mom and most other family members had thought I was a lesbian my whole life because of my butchiness. (I'm actually gay). They're all dyed in the wool liberals though, so they didn't give me any major problems. My mom gave me the "Why can't you just be a lesbian?" tirade. Her biggest problem was the name change. She interpreted my desire to be called Wolf, rather than the female name she gave me, as a personal rejection of her. She initially said she wouldn't start calling me that until I got my legal name change, but I don't want to do that until I'm passing much better than I do now, and I might want to get my hysto first so I don't encounter problems with insurance coverage. In the past couple of months, both my parents have started using Wolf and male pronouns.

Anyway, I'm out to most family members now, and all my friends. I'm also out to my supervisor at work and one person in HR. Their reaction was as though I'd told them I was going to dye my hair a different color. My company's nondiscrimination policy makes no mention of gender identity or sexual orientation, but I haven't had any problems so far. I still use the women's restroom, but I've gotten a few odd sideways glances from the ladies, so I try to use it at times when I'm less likely to encounter people in there (generally, any time except during break). The HR guy told me I shouldn't start using the men's until I get my legal gender change, but I don't know how that'll play out. I'm taking my time with transition, just waiting for the changes, saving up for surgery and working out to build my muscles and lose the fat.

When dressed in nicer women's clothing (which I tried many, many times!) I felt gross and creepy and couldn't wait to get them off my body. They literally made my skin crawl. Skirts and pantyhose especially.

I know exactly what you mean. I'll never forget the times my mom made me dress up for some wedding or funeral, or when she finally insisted I start wearing a bra (Ick!)--When I was 21, the strap broke, and I never wore a bra again. Skirts--pantyhose--shudder! "Creepy!"--Yep, you said it!

As for when and how to come out: No one knows your family like you do so you'll need to assess that yourself. There are plenty of ways to come out though. Here are some options:

1. Just sit them down and talk to them. This is the method I used with my supervisor, the HR guy and some of my friends.

2. E-mail. This is the one I used for my parents, even though I live under the same roof with them. It wasn't easy to hit the "send" button, but I didn't feel like I could move forward and start transition until they knew, so that was what drove me to come out to them.

3. Snail mail or Telephone.

4. Rent a movie: Boys Don't Cry, TransAmerica, etc. and tell your family you want to watch it with them.

5. Leave books about transsexualism lying around where they'll find them.

6. If you live with your parents, donate money to a few trans orgs so they send you stuff in the mail (especially if your parents are the ones who bring in the mail every day).

7. If you own a car, you can break the ice by slapping a rainbow flag sticker or something trans-related (if it's safe to do so in your area) on the tail.

[Guest JayJaye]

Hey, Wolfie! Thanks for the advice.

I'm older than most on here I think (47!!) and because I'm gay found it not too horrible to live as a straight woman. But my male-ness has come out in full force since my divorce 3 years ago. My parents are old fashioned, kind of religious, and are not even open to gays, let alone a transsexual gay. I think I might just remind them how I always said I wanted to be a boy when I was a kid (I dressed as a boy, used the men's room in stores, caught frogs and chased my mother with them, etc) and it wasn't until college (religious college) that I really tried to fit in as female (they made us wear skirts--blech!!) but I was never comfortable. So my family is kind of traditional.

I have kids, which are complicating factor #2. And an ex who can be a PIA.

Work - there are only unisex bathrooms so that's not an issue; but my line of work requires licenses and such which will be more complicated to change at the moment.

In 3 years I'm retiring and working online (I already work on line) so coming out then might be easier. I'll also be traveling more and can just present as male and go from there, and just e-mail my family. I know my kids will be accepting. I've already brought up the topic in general thanks to the publicity surrounding Thomas Beattie.

I just gave myself permission to shop in the men's department again and it's like coming home!!

Jay

[Guest Mr. Fox]

Hello Jay! Don't worry about ties, I like them, and I'm straight. Wait, I'm not. Oops. Well, neither are you, so that's just dandy.

You might want to come out to your parents soon. Not now necessarily, but you don't need to wait until you are transitioning. Conservative as they are, they may take a loooong time to get used to it, i.e. years. Remember, even if you decide not to go fulltime until you retire, you could start therapy and/or hormones before then, I recommend you do. Get a head start! But not too much of one for hormones.

Ah, your other inquiries. Gradual, or cold turkey? Odd, cold turkey makes it sound like I'm giving up something! Well, I've been androgynous as far back as I can remember, but in the past few years have been slanting maler and maler until I reached the epitome of my manliness: less feminine androgyny. As to introducing yourself to new people as male: at your age, it should be fine as long as they are not mutual acquaintances. If your parents find out accidentally, oh well. You have to come out eventually anyway.

Adrian

[Guest JayJaye]

I've started therapy, it will probably be a few months at least before T, I'll just have to come out. Actually it sounds like it would be a relief.

Probably won't be as bad as I fear.

Jay

[Guest GoldenKirbichu]

I lived androgynously for most of my life, pretty much crushing down any gender trait that wasn't androgynous. I looked basically like an anthropomorphic potato sack, to put it nicely.

For the past year I've been far more masculine in dress (although my behaviour has always been increasingly male).