Strange Cycle

[Guest Slim]

I'm biologically female and feel as though I have been leaning toward the male side for as long as I can remember.

When I was young, everybody just told me I was a "tomboy" and that I would grow out of it.

Well, I haven't grown out of it. In fact, as the years went on, I got further and further into crossdressing and then into passing in public.

I'm not sure if I'm really transgendered. I know that I've crossed some sort of border, but at the same time, I feel stuck.

I'll spend about a month dressed as a girl, (its not so bad sometimes, which is confusing) and then I relapse and go right back to crossdressing.

I don't know why. What I do know is that my family is homo/transphobic and any type of crossdressing or boyish activity results in severe reprimanding.

I have a boyfriend and I feel attracted to men sexually (not sure about girls) but sometimes I feel like a boy.

Is it possible that I'm stuck in the middle?

Sometimes I feel like a girl, then other times I don't.

[Guest Penelope]

Hi Slim,

You may well be transgender. I come at this from another direction and have come, in my fifties, to accept that I am part female. I currently resolve this by cross dressing and am, usually, happy to revert to heterosexual man.

I am sorry to hear that your family is so disapproving. My partner of many years is aware that I dress but does not want to know the details. I fear that stealth is frequently a part of CD life. You don't indicate how old you are but sooner or later you should be free to find your own place and do more as you please.

The great thing about this site is that you are encouraged to find out what you are and to be yourself. I anticipate that one or more of the FTM's or others here will read your post and have some more useful suggestions on what you can do. Should your feelings become really burdensome the standard advice is to consult a qualified gender therapist.

You may have made an introductory posting that I've missed but welcome anyway.

All the best,

Penelope

[Guest Slim]

Hi Slim,

You may well be transgender. I come at this from another direction and have come, in my fifties, to accept that I am part female. I currently resolve this by cross dressing and am, usually, happy to revert to heterosexual man.

I am sorry to hear that your family is so disapproving. My partner of many years is aware that I dress but does not want to know the details. I fear that stealth is frequently a part of CD life. You don't indicate how old you are but sooner or later you should be free to find your own place and do more as you please.

The great thing about this site is that you are encouraged to find out what you are and to be yourself. I anticipate that one or more of the FTM's or others here will read your post and have some more useful suggestions on what you can do. Should your feelings become really burdensome the standard advice is to consult a qualified gender therapist.

You may have made an introductory posting that I've missed but welcome anyway.

All the best,

Penelope

Thank you for the advice. The relapsing cycle was what was making me so confused, but I really do feel as though I'm transgendered.

I've recently moved out and have begun living with my grandmother, who is supportive of me but like your partner, prefers not to get mixed up in all the details.

I had a talk with her and she said that she'd always known me to be boyish and just accepted it as part of who I was.

She says that there may be a biological cause that people haven't been able to explore, and her primary concern is my happiness so I'm really relieved right now.

[Carolyn Marie]

Confusion and sliding back and forth are not that unusual, Slim. The gender spectrum is very fluid, and people are not "stuck" in one place forever, necessarily.

If you really want to figure out what's going on, and what, if anything, to do about it, you should of course seek out a gender therapist.

That's really the only person who can help you sort out your feelings and needs.

In the meantime, keep reading and posting questions here, and perhaps we too can help you find yourself.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Jo-I-Dunno]

People often ask if they're "really transgender", as if when we die, they can do an autopsy and find some label somewhere on the inside. The human experience is so expansive. Nothing's that simple.

To me, being transgender means the question of whether or not you're a boy or a girl doesn't have a simple answer.

Explore your feelings. Think really hard about what'd make you happiest. If it's possible and safe, go for it. You're not diseased. You don't need a diagnosis so you can get the cure. If what you want seems inconsistent from day to day, then that, in and of itself, is a thing to want and move towards.