Called A Fake

[Guest Keiichi-kun]

So I was talking to my best friend and I mean best friend. We've known each other for around 10 years we've always been there for each other and we're always together. Well I was on the phone with him talking about my transsexuality when he told me his truthful opinion about it. He said he's gonna stop acting nice about it. He told me that if I transition all I'll be is a fake. I'm not a man and I'm not one mentally. I'm making a huge mistake because I'm a woman. This won't help my depression any (even though I got depression the EXACT same time I fully realized I was trans) and that everyone has problems and I need to shut up and stop whining about this BS.

I want to know how he could say this to me? He doesn't understand how i feel. He doesn't understand how much I hurt, how many hours I've spent in therapy, he doesn't understand that I have to take two happy pills everyday just to get out of my house. He yelled that I need to socialize more but I can't because I'll be viewed as a girl. I'm an introvert (unlike him) and I'm trans. When I say this he gets madder saying he does fully understand which I don't believe. I have put SO much thought into this it's not even funny. I know he's worried but how can he claim to know what I am mentally. How am I not a guy? Just because I'm not masculine? If not then what? He's never told me why. How could he do this to his friend? I just can't understand.

I don't know what I'll do if our friendship gets broken because of this. I'm getting to my breaking point and here he is making it worse.

And by the way he though he was MtF awhile back so I don't see why he's treating me this way. I trusted him when he said he wanted to be a girl (even though I didn't agree with it) but he can't trust me. I talked to one of his friends and he simply said "you are a smart person capable of making your own decisions. I trust that whatever decision you make will be right for you. Even if I disagree with it it's still your decision it's nobody else's to make" even after that I still cry. This is the first time I have had a panic attack in ages. I seriously don't know what I should do.

[MaryEllen]

Sounds like he's fighting some demons of his own and taking it out on you. I would be willing to bet that he's having issues with his own transsexuality. Thinks that because he has a male body, he should be all male and because you were born with a female body, that you should be all female. That's not rational thinking on his part. He would benefit greatly from a gender therapist. As hard as it would be for you, if his attitude doesn't change, it might be better for you to end this friendship.

MaryEllen

[Guest KellyGirl]

I'm sorry to hear that but I'm with MaryEllen on this one...

[Guest JayJaye]

You don't say how old you are, but even at my age (47) I'm sure I'm going to lose friendships when I come out. I've only come out to 2 people: my best friend (she was cool) and my therapist. It sucks. I have a feeling one day I'm just going to blurt it out and say deal with it! LOL

I'm an introvert, too, and don't do a lot of socializing in person; I do most online. I've managed to hide my gender issues since I hit puberty (I'm attracted to men) but it hit hard after my divorce (not that it ever went away, but when life is busy I didn't have time to dwell on my discomfort in my own skin).

You can e-mail me if you want. I"m just starting this transition process too. And I know it's not going to be easy. But I have to be true to myself.

Jay

[Guest Keiichi-kun]

Well my ex/friend came over and while over she talked to him on the phone. Apparantly I don't "act" like a male. Because i get so worked up and cry over this that makes me too female to be male. Well sorry that I have depression and estrogen and am on pms right now. I think it's stupid that he thinks I'm too emotional to be a guy. I was supposed to just say 'whatever' to him and then hang up. It's apparantly feminine to care about what your best friend thinks of you. Plus I know plenty of women who will never show emotions and plenty of guys who do I can't believe he's stupid enough to stereotype gender.

Anyways about him thinking he was MtF well he enjoys crossdressing and is pretty bi-gender so for awhile he thought he was a girl. As for a therapist he is one of those people that would never see one

[Guest KellyGirl]

I have a friend that won't see a therapist too.. only she's scared of them ;

[Guest harvester52]

That's odd, I can't wait to see a therapist. I know it will help me so much.

[Guest GoldenKirbichu]

This guy sounds like he has a lot of issues of zir own and is trying to take them out on you... don't worry. Your masculinity is not dependent on what other people think of you. If your friends cannot accept this, then... it may be best to cut connections. It bites, but a lot of the time that's what you have to do...

[Guest Toph]

Yeah, i feel pretty scared about seeing a therapist too.

[Guest Keiichi-kun]

If your friends cannot accept this, then... it may be best to cut connections. It bites, but a lot of the time that's what you have to do...

I've given this advice to so many other people but now when I might have to do it I don't want to take the advice. I can only hope he will stop being as *ss and maybe start to believe that I may know what's best for me. His words hurt. I keep repeating them in my head as if some small part of me wants to believe him...

[Guest KellyGirl]

I've given this advice to so many other people but now when I might have to do it I don't want to take the advice. I can only hope he will stop being as *ss and maybe start to believe that I may know what's best for me. His words hurt. I keep repeating them in my head as if some small part of me wants to believe him...

I know what you mean, I'd hate to lose a friend, espically someone I was really close to, Somtimes I think it's normal to wish for normalcy, to not have to be "diffrent" and that it really is "confusion" or ''angst" that's what my mom seems to think of me. And even really confident people can feel off...I don't feel feminine all the time...not that I feel masculine (although my thinking before some more broad gender knowledge I got I always figured if your not feminine you must be masculine and vice versa but thats not really the case) I guess what I'm getting at is that it's easy to fall into a funk becuase of your feelings...I know I have...but once your not so confident in them either. it's equally easy to be scared by that....constancy gives a feeling of saftey and normalcy, if you know who you are and what you stand for and what makes you happy it would be so much easier but things are so seldom cut and dry... I guess when you find yourself looking in the mirror and scoweling, or with a weak smirk just trying to peice together just what your looking at...you tend to discover there are no easy answers but there are friends, and if you friend isn't willing to accept such a big part of you...well then he isn't accepting you.

...

talk to ya when I can...

[Guest Keiichi-kun]

Thanks for the replies guys (and gals) Anyways I sent him an e-mail today. I hope he reads it. Here's what it said. (Oh and sorry it's kinda long )

David, please listen to what I have to say.

I know you care about me and that you worry. I'm sorry for not thinking that I know that upsets you. It makes me happy to know that you care and I really appreciate it. Your opinion means a lot to me, probably more than anybody else's. I value your friendship and the time we spend together.

Your concern means a lot to me and I do appreciate it. I feel I should probably explain some things to you. Mainly why I feel this way and why I am doing what I'm doing. Ever since i was a little kid I had always wanted to be a boy. I rarely ever said this out loud but I did think it a lot. I tried to repress this feeling and for many years I did. I can't remember when exactly but I started to feel this way again and this time it truly started to bother me. You've asked me why before and I never really gave a clear answer. Having a girls body disgusts me, I hate it and everything about it but it's not just the body, female pronouns sting badly, such a small thing hurts me so badly. I want to be looked at as a male. It feels good to be treated like one. I do not believe I am a 'fake' but actually a male. I know you say I don't act much like a male and the only explanation I can give is that after 18 years of learning to act like a girl I can't just get rid of those habits overnight. Plus estrogen tends to make women more emotional. I know plenty of female-to-males that get angry and aggresive just because of testosterone.

I know I tend to overreact to things too much but what you said yesterday hurt. I don't know what made you so mad at me but I'm sorry if it was my fault. I don't want you mad at me and I don't want to be mad at you. Your words to me keep repeating over and over in my head and won't stop. I've had around one or two panic attacks since yesterday and plenty of breakdowns. I'm not trying to lay a gilt trip on you but rather am just trying to explain how much your words mean to me. You have every right to think what I'm doing is wrong but I need you to believe in me. Please trust that I am capable of making my own decisions. This thing won't be decided overnight. That's why I have spent hours in therapy trying to work things out. I am not asking for you to want this. All I'm asking is for you to just trust me and my family.

I truly care about you and I don't want us to be mad at each other any longer.

I hope this sounds okay since I'm not very good with words.

[Guest Ryles_D]

Well my ex/friend came over and while over she talked to him on the phone. Apparantly I don't "act" like a male. Because i get so worked up and cry over this that makes me too female to be male. Well sorry that I have depression and estrogen and am on pms right now. I think it's stupid that he thinks I'm too emotional to be a guy. I was supposed to just say 'whatever' to him and then hang up. It's apparantly feminine to care about what your best friend thinks of you. Plus I know plenty of women who will never show emotions and plenty of guys who do I can't believe he's stupid enough to stereotype gender.

Anyways about him thinking he was MtF well he enjoys crossdressing and is pretty bi-gender so for awhile he thought he was a girl. As for a therapist he is one of those people that would never see one

I still don't get PMS. Is it really hormones? I'm not sure how that works at all.

Mom says I get PMS, but I just get miserably depressed and self-hating when on my period. Who wants a reminder of that? Especially when pain's involved. It's like someone kicking you and shouting "you're a girl!" between blows. Every time someone blames it on PMS I want to hit them so hard they start coughing up blood and tell them they have to function as if that hadn't happened, see how happy they are. >_> I have a lot of pent up anger.

Those are all stupid reasons. I'm sorry your friend's like this, but he does seem to have issues of his own. :/ Good luck with the letter.

[Guest Keiichi-kun]

I still don't get PMS. Is it really hormones? I'm not sure how that works at all.

Wikipedia says

Premenstrual syndrome (PMS) (historically called PMT or Premenstrual Tension) is a collection of physical, psychological, and emotional symptoms related to a woman's menstrual cycle. While most women of child-bearing age (about 80 percent) have some premenstrual symptoms,[1] women with PMS have symptoms of "sufficient severity to interfere with some aspects of life".[2] Such symptoms are usually predictable and occur regularly during the two weeks prior to menses. The symptoms may vanish after the menstrual flow starts, but may continue even after the flow has begun.

For some women with PMS, the symptoms are so severe that they are considered disabling. This form of PMS has its own psychiatric designation: premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD).

Culturally, the abbreviation PMS is widely understood in the United States to refer to difficulties associated with menses, and the abbreviation is used frequently even in casual and colloquial settings, without regard to medical rigor. In these contexts, the syndrome is rarely referred to without abbreviation, and the connotations of the reference are frequently more broad than the clinical definition.

As for me I tend to get pretty emotional and angry when on it. This fight happened at a horrible time because of this He hasn't e-mailed me back yet. I hope he does soon

[Guest KellyGirl]

I'm sure he will.

[Guest Ryles_D]

As for me I tend to get pretty emotional and angry when on it. This fight happened at a horrible time because of this He hasn't e-mailed me back yet. I hope he does soon

Wikipedia says it can happen up to 2 weeks before you actually start bleeding, though. I can understand having problems when you're getting all cramps and stuff, but before that. o_O

[Guest Keiichi-kun]

Wikipedia says it can happen up to 2 weeks before you actually start bleeding, though. I can understand having problems when you're getting all cramps and stuff, but before that. o_O

I think it's hormonal imbalances or something.

[Guest Keiichi-kun]

Sorry about the double post but I thought I would update on the situation.

Well first off he got my e-mail and we talked over MSN. He said and I quote "you will find no support or sympathy from me" which kinda hurt. Best friend and he can't support me Anyways he made it quit clear he didn't want to lose a friend over this and I agreed. He said there is nothing he can do to stop me and his opinion shouldn't matter. Anyways we're back to talking and although his words still sting a little I <sorta> forgive him. His girlfriend told me he was feeling really bad about it which made me feel better. I've tried to explain my feelings to him but it just seems impossible. At least I know from now on not to talk to him about trans stuff or expect him to refer to me by my boy name or by correct pronouns

[Guest Drew]

well...not losing a friend is always a good thing...however, and don't take offence to this, but it seems like he's being kind of a jerk. he expects you to be okay with the fact that he won't support you or use the correct name or pronouns? not a great compromise in my opinion. i don't mean to be negative, although that's probably how i'm coming off, but he seems to be acting pretty selfish.

that's just my opinion, worth about two cents.

Drew

[Guest Seth]

What a douche. If my friend ever said that to me...OOH-WHEEE. Somebody's gettin' slapped.

[Guest Keiichi-kun]

well...not losing a friend is always a good thing...however, and don't take offence to this, but it seems like he's being kind of a jerk. he expects you to be okay with the fact that he won't support you or use the correct name or pronouns? not a great compromise in my opinion. i don't mean to be negative, although that's probably how i'm coming off, but he seems to be acting pretty selfish.

that's just my opinion, worth about two cents.

Yeah i know he is and if it was anyone else I wouldn't put up with it. Hopefully he will be supportive one day. I mean I kinda needed somebody to help me out in college but i guess I'm just gonna have to hope on getting an open-minded roomate

[Guest BillyMack]

Last night I cut off contact with my so called "friend" of 30 years. She buggered off when I told her I was going to be transitioning because "she couldn't handle it". I have given her tons of information on the subject to help HER, given HER support groups to go to, been way too concerned about HER feelings...and not once has she ever said, "I am your friend, and I will be here for you."

It hurts, but in the long run I feel I will be better off. I doubt if she will ever be supportive because she's too concerned with how this is impacting her life socially. Good riddance to bad rubbish then.

I hope that your friend eventually understands the real issues here, and that this is not a phase or a game or that you are delusional in some way (all of these were my friend's "reasons" for why I was doing this TO HER ). Be strong...there are people out there who understand and are accepting of us.

~Billy

[Guest Ryles_D]

Yeah i know he is and if it was anyone else I wouldn't put up with it. Hopefully he will be supportive one day. I mean I kinda needed somebody to help me out in college but i guess I'm just gonna have to hope on getting an open-minded roomate

Talk to the people in charge of residence stuff at your college. I did, the same day met about transguy on campus that I might be able to room with (only way either of us are getting non-female roommates, we'll make it work). Definitely talk ot them, though. In person if you can.