And Now, Introducing..... Katie!

[Guest Hello Katie]

Hi there. As you may have guessed, my name is Katie. I'm 45 years old, living in Portland, OR.

Just lately I've been in this mode of seeking out community... and my search has brought me to Laura's Playground. See, I transitioned a long time ago, 12 years to be exact. I've been on hormones all this time. Over the years I've had a couple of surgeries, I moved to a new city, been in a few relationships, had a few jobs. I'm presently married to another woman (love of my life)... well, we say we're married, but in Oregon it's actually called "Registered Domestic Partnership" which is recognized statewide as affording us all the rights of any married couple, although we have no federal recognition.

Anyway, through all that I've experienced and done, I've managed to create this shell for myself... some would describe it as living stealth. My wife knows my history and all that it entails... and her ex-husband investigated my history and outed me to my wife's family (her family consequently disowned us... I mean, they were okay with her marrying another woman, but a trans woman!?! that's just crazy, right?) But our friends, co-workers, neighbors, really everyone in our sphere of daily life, as far as I can tell, have no clue that I'm a trans woman. And I just don't talk about it if I can help it... I mean, when people find out that I'm trans, it suddenly becomes the most interesting thing about me... and I don't think it's the most interesting thing about me.

So, I'm beginning to understand that being underground with who I am and where I came from is part self preservation and part self loathing. And the self loathing part of it is (I'm just beginning to realize) very hard on the soul. I'm seeing how the lack of cohesion in my sense of self is manifesting in issues with my wife. And I don't want any issues with my wife.

So. Here I am. Hoping that maybe I'll find a little community here. The awful truth is that I've had such a hard time in my life making friends with other trans women. I'm not sure what it is... I guess, demographically speaking, we tend to have a lot of emotional stuff to deal with, which can make a lot of us socially… awkward... umm... and hard to get close to. I don't want to be that person. I like being open. I want to become more open.

Yeah, so, that's my story. I look forward to what comes next.

XO,

Katie

(Was that too long? I can go on.)

[Guest sarah f]

Welcome to Laura's Katie. I am glad you found the site and willing to share your story with us. Now your question of was your intro too long, nah it was just right. If you want you can keep on going.

When you have a chance take a look at the forum rules aka terms and conditions at the top of most pages. We are a moderated site and try to keep it pg 13.

I look forward to seeing more from you.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Katie!

Hi, Hon...welcome to the Playground....

I'm Donna Jean...17 months HRT and transitioning...

Come on in and sit a spell....take a load off..

I'll get you some of Sally's cookies and a hot cup of coco...

Then you can just kick off your shoes and relax...OK?

Geez....Portland, O.

I want to end up there some day...I currently live in Ohio...it's like Mecca to me...draws me...

It will great having anothe long term woman here...so many leave when they transition, but we're very friendly...

It's nice to have you here!

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Guest KimberlyF]

Katie,

From my understanding a lot of post-ops are both tired from the journey and finally happy with themselves so they drop out of the community. We're already a tiny minority so unless you're in a major city with a lot of advocates it would prob be hard to find others like yourself.

I totally get the not talking about yourself. But if you have close friends in the GL community, you'll only be the center of their attention for a short time then they'll move on to fresh meat.

Obviously I'm a pre-op but the freedom that I feel in my home since I came out to my wife is amazing. It sounds like maybe you could talk to a therapist about this? I think there is a safety factor with who you tell, but I think if you open yourself up a little you won't be so hard on yourself. That's what your post screams to me' anyway.

I really wish you the best, and I'm sure if your wife is the love of your life, she'll do whatever she can to help you love you like she does.

Kar

[Guest Hello Katie]

Hi Folks,

Thank you for the warm welcome.

It's funny that you should suggest a therapist, Karen. I've probably spent the majority of my 45 years in therapy, starting at age 17. I also spent a great many years in Al-Anon dealing with the after effects of being raised by 2 alcoholic parents. The last time I spent time in a therapist office was about 4 years ago. She was a delightful lady. We talked, we laughed, we discussed all things of a spiritual nature; every now and then she'd ask me why I was still coming to her, and I'd tell her because I enjoyed her company. It finally came down to us parting ways because neither one of us really felt that I was in need of therapy anymore.

On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being saddest and 10 being blissed out on joy, love and empowerment, I'd say that I average a nine-and-a-half most days, occasionally dip down into the 5 to 6 range, and occasionally hang around at a perfect 10. My wife is most typically bouncing back and forth between a 9 and a 10 nearly all the time. We're a ridiculously happy couple. We do silly things like writing long lists of things we feel grateful for every day, and then trading those lists with each other. We write a lot of focus wheels (focus wheels are a written exercise where any subject is deliberately drawn into a happier place through focus on the best parts of it)... we swap those with each other too. We’re all about gratitude and appreciation and love in our house.

My desire for community is not in any way about pushing through dark feelings or trying to reconcile an unhappy marriage. This is really about fine tuning a joyful life.

My wife and I live by a very simple philosophy that we've made work for us. We say that we will always move in the direction of anything that increases our joy, and we will shy away from anything that interferes with our joy. We very often remind each other, "Nothing is more important than that you feel good." And we mean it!

Yeah, I'm seeking out community in order to feel even better about myself than I already do, so that I can spend a lot more time bouncing between 9 and 10 on my happiness scale and then those days where I'm at a 5, 6 and 7 become fewer and less frequent. It feels like a fine goal to me, after all, nothing is more important than that I feel good.

I have high hopes that good feeling thoughts and interactions are what I'll find at Laura's.

Thanks again.

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, Katie.

I think we can do a lot to help you end your feeling of isolation, and even with what you termed your "self loathing." One thing I am certain of, what you will find here is a loving, caring and supportive community of like-minded souls. We take care of each other, and that I find is unique in the on-line TG community.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest NatashaJade]

Hi Katie!

Welcome to Laura's! Much like Dee Jay, my wife and I feel drawn to Portland (even though our friends from Seattle say they will disown us if we move there...). I appreciate your simple philosophy and need to work on practicing something akin to that in my life. I've boiled it down to my favorite Cartman line, "Focus on the candy." It's so easy to get bogged down in the negative...something to work on to be sure.

I hope you find the kind of community you're looking for here. I know I did.

luv

Gin

[Guest KimberlyF]

Katie,

I'm glad you're happy. I'd love to live between 5 and 10 even it it was mostly 5's. It's really hard to tell tone from posts sometimes. You used phrases like living in a shell and underground and even self-loathing that lead me to think this is bigger than me and maybe you should talk to someone. But as an example of this being perfectly normal at times, and has been pointed out on this board more than a few times, just about every woman on the planet hates something about their body so that is a form of self-loathing. What matters is the depths of these feelings. Again, I'm glad you're in a good place.

Kar

[Guest Hello Katie]

Oooo.... you're all so warm and fuzzy.... I like it here already.

If I had to pick one single aspect of life that I'd say that I enjoy the most it would be this... No matter how good things get, no matter how good I feel, no matter how happy I may be in any given moment, I can ALWAYS feel a little bit better. The greatest joy in life is getting myself lined up with that "better feeling thought" orientation so that it doesn't matter what's going on, whether I'm having a cranky day or whether I'm having the best day of my life, I am always, always, always reaching for that better feeling thought.

You all have me excited to be here, can you tell?

I'll stop bubbling over now before I make someone nauseous. (My hyper-giddiness has the effect on some people, I've found.) Thank you all so much for being so friendly.

XO,

Hello Katie

[MaryEllen]

Hello Katie

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

MaryEllen

[Guest Emily Ray]

Katie,

Welcome to Laura's! I just want to say that I don't think your experience is all that rare. I am 5 months HRT and 21 days full-time. In my third month I read some stories by women who had transitioned in the 80's and have become reclusive as time passed after their SRS. This fear and negative outlook put me in the hospital for a week as I tried to come to grips with life post transition. I am not saying I have ound the answer but I do understand the problem. At this point in my transition it is still some what obvious that I am trans and that saves me the burden of who to tell and when. I am able to meet people though that look beyond my appearance and just treat me as a woman, as a friend. I hope you do find the help you need here at Laura's.

Huggs

Emily

[Guest Cowboy]

Welcome to Laura's Katie.

Glad to see your happy to be here.

This place is great.

Make yourself comfortable, and dont hesitate to ask or post.

And.. let me tell ya...

i did some hangin out with the ladies yesterday,

and we got a great group of women here on the site.

welcome again

Cowboy

[Guest lvmyftm]

Hi Katie,

Welcome, I am also in PDX...partnered with a FTM

[Guest Hello Katie]

Oh Emily, I sure hope that the fear that gripped you has passed and faded. I sincerely doubt that you have anything to worry about relative to the stories you read. One awesome thing that you have going for you that girls in the 80's did not have is a big happy support structure coming at you from many directions. People are talking and reaching out in ways that were unheard of 20 years ago. It's a beautiful thing.

That said, there's a thing that happens with some of us (like me) that's much more subtle and harder to identify than isolation. I have friends, and I work among a group of wonderful, social women, my family accepts me, and my spouse loves me to bits. The thing I'm becoming aware of and seeking resolution for has more to do with fitting in than with isolation. Here's an example... I work in a building with 31 other woman and 2 men; we are the administrative offices for a large international religious organization. Now, mind you, I'm married to another woman, so I'm already an out lesbian at work, and some of the conservative, religious women I work with have had issues with that. If it came out that I'm also a trans woman!!! Well, that would be a whole different order of seeking acceptance... I mean, that could bring issues of pronouns and bathroom etiquette and wrath of God into the equation... I'm just not going there with them. These are the kinds of issues and concerns (large and small) that have contributed to pushing me into deep stealth over the past 12 years... it's not about isolation or fear as much as a burning desire to FIT IN.

And I'm not necessarily looking for the strength of character to out myself to the world and become visible for the sake of blazing trails for trans women everywhere... that's a very admirable position to take, and where would we, as trans women, if not for those extraordinarily brave powerful women who blazed trails before us over the past 20, 30, 40 years? I'm just not feeling called to that path myself. No, I'm looking for the kind of self acceptance that comes from having a group of friends who I can be myself with. It's just that, there's something unique about this wild and crazy trans experience that I just can't connect with within just any group of friends... you know? It's nice to have a group where we can go and open up and be understood, maybe share experience and expand on the lessons that come with that experience.

Oh, I don't know, maybe I'm talking out of my butt here.... I'm just glad to be here. Thank you for chatting.

XO,

Katie

[Guest Emily Ray]

Katie,

Thank you for the reply. I have moved beyond those early days of fear. It like everything took a little while. I fortunatly or maybe unfortunatly have been called to speak out against the beliefs that some in the church hold regarding the transgendered. I have a big mouth and I know what pain and suffering I felt as a direct result of my beliefs that crossdressing and transsexualisim was a sin. I can no longer allow thoses beliefs to dominate the relationship the Church in general has with us. I understand that we are not all called to the same path and walk within Chrstianity and Transsexualisim. I have found peace with myself and my present assignment. I do hope you find us to be understanding and supportive of you; whatever that might entail.

Huggs,

Emily

[Guest Hello Katie]

Hi LvMyFTM,

Hey neighbor! You wouldn't happen to be pool players, would you?

(Sorry... I'm exposing my obsession.)

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Katie,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We have MTF meetings-Mon & Sat 9pm est, and you are welcome to attend.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna

[Paula ult]

Hi Katie and welcome to Laura's,

It is horrible your wifes ex outed you, in this day and age of computers and databases everywhere being totally stealth i believe is not possible if a person really wants to find something out about you, though i am not post op yet, taking care of that early next year, i live by one rule, tell only those that need to know.

You are not the first i know to reestablish a link to the community, on another site i belong to another woman did just that and it was overwhelming to her, hopefully it will not be to you.

And no hon, you were not to long, write away, i am sure other members can gain a better perspective of life after transition from you, including me.

HUGS!

Paula

[Guest Opal]

Hi Katie!

Welcome to Laura's! Nice to have you introduce yourself and your background. I joined Laura's back in May (Guess it does say that over to the left, sorry) and have found wonderful support and friendship here.

I recently met someone out of the Corvallis area. He transitioned several years ago to male, and is very successful in his life. Sounds Like Oregon is an amazing place! Please continue to post as you become comfortable in doing so.

Huggs,

Opal

[Guest Hello Katie]

Hi Paula,

Thank you for the warm welcome.

I'm not sure what you mean by overwhelmed... you said that another trans woman that you know was overwhelmed as a result of reaching out and re-connecting with the trans community long after transition. Well, perhaps I'll know soon enough?

And, as it was once asked in a very goofy (but cute) movie.... it's possible to be overwhelmed, and a person can be underwhelmed, but is it possible to just be whelmed?

Things that make you go "hmmm..."

XO,

Katie

[Paula ult]

Katie,

What i ment is she transitioned when she was 14 and had surgery at 18 was relocated and lived the next 30 years in stealth, now that she connected with the trans community it overwhelmed her the number of people transitioning and online resources available, she was a very lucky woman to transition at such a young age and live almost all of it as her true self.

Paula

[Guest ricka]

Hi Katie, and a warm welcome to our family here at Laura's!!! I live in

Central Oregon about three hours away from you. If you and your wife ever

come to the area would love to have you stop by (I live near Smith Rock.)

It's been my goal this year to build a circle of friends who know and accept

me as a transgendered woman myself. Hon, you might pick up a copy of "Just

Out" which lists meetings, clubs and organizations in the Portland area for

GLBT folks.

Like you I'd rate myself pretty high on the "happiness scale" most days.

I find a deep joy just being a woman. It's hard to explain to people who are

not like us but I would love to be able to share that joy with other trans-

gendered women who know what I am talking about.

Hugs, Ricka

[Guest Pól]

Welcome to the forums, Katie!

[Guest Nikki A]

bonjour! welcome! hi! i may be young but i will be your friend!! i have had issues connecting with the trans comunity near me too. ive never known another mtf in rl and the two ftm's i new from school both decided they werent trans (one of them because of religion and the other was an writer playing a part) so blehhh... Want to talk anytime or need help with something i can actually help with send me a comment or pm k?

hugs, Nikki