A Little Vent And An Update

[Guest digitalgremlin]

So Monday I am talking to this person that I see like every week. Except I didn't see him last week. He decided to go with two weeks this time and that's fine with me. I am writing him a letter telling him that I have to go to the hospital. There is a LGBT Unit so I will be trying to get on that one. I am going to go either on Monday or on Tuesday. I need to do some writing first though. I am writing up my story. I have a LOT that I can't voice about and where is that going to get me? No where. So I have to write all this out on paper. I just hope they allow me to keep my notebook and if not I'll take the paper out and give the empty notebook back to my mum and her bf to bring home.

Things that I have to tell them is:

1. The sexual abuse. I have to talk about it. I am writing the non edited version down into the notebook from the computer. I will show it to someone there.

2. My cutting. Why I do it. How often. Everything about it. I have to stop it. This is how.

3. The suicidal thoughts and the suicidal idealization. I have to talk to them about this too. The fact that I have been close to attempting the past few weeks isn't good. Therefore it's something that I have to write about and talk to them about.

4. The gender stuff. They need to call me my chosen name and male pronouns and they need to see that this is me and what not.

5. The sexuality. Who knows maybe they can help me figure it out.

6. My "child part"... I act like a child a LOT... It's hard to explain. But I am sure that there are people that have noticed it... I KNOW there are some that have noticed it and well... Yea I do act like that a lot... I'm a kid at heart... Like 5 years old... There are times that I act my age, 19, but not always. Maybe this is why I have a hard time understanding things other people try to tell me and why I blow up so easily because I don't understand what I am being told... I'll figure it all out.

7. My self esteem. It's so low that I need to get it up again. I have to talk to them about this as well.

8. The phobia that I have. The main one. That's related to the sexual abuse but it's not the same thing. There's a slight difference. I guess. lol

9. My other phobias. Not all of them are huge but I have to talk about them.

10. My fear of strangers. I make this it's own problem because it's a tad bigger than the other phobias that I have grouped together.

11. People victimizing me. And me allowing it to happen. People blame me for things that happen even though it has NOTHING to do with me and wasn't my fault... Happens a lot and I need to work on it.

12. I need to get help learning the word "no" to be able to tell people "no" sometimes. I have such a rough time with it. I don't know how to say no sometimes. And that causes a LOT of problems. Like there have been times where I couldn't say no and it got me hurt. That's as far as I'll go with that.

13. My trust. I have to talk about it. The fact that I don't trust people all the time but then there are times that I do when I shouldn't. I have to get that figured out.

14. My need for affection. It causes a LOT of problems... I have to get it handled... There are things like when someone gives me affection in the WRONG way I take it... Which is bad... For the most part... Again this kinda goes into trust but yea...

There's probably more that I need to work on as well. For those that know me WELL, anything you have to say, or anything that you have noticed about me that may need working on, please PM me about it. Don't post it here. Just in case it's something that I don't want people to know about. Thank you.

Also, I may be moving soon. Within 18 months. My mum is trying to get us all into section 8. So that works for me. I'll have my own bedroom if we end up doing that. And we will be in the next town over which will make EVERYTHING so much easier. Depending on where (it's a huge town) I can walk to where ever or ride my bike if needed.

I am sick of my mum calling me "she" all the time... She did it a LOT today... She called me my birth name too and it's like COME ON Can't change it though... One day though I am sure she'll stop referring to me as her daughter all together. I hope so any ways.

As time goes on I realize who my REAL friends are. And I don't mean just in real life. I mean all over. Internet friends as well. They stick by me when I need them. They don't abandon me when I need them the most. They don't hold things against me and they don't blame me for something that's NOT my fault. They care about me and they SHOW me that they do. They take time out of THEIR day just to talk to me. A true friend sticks by you no matter what. And these people DO stick by me no matter what. They take care of me as I take care of them when they need it too.

The pain in my body is just getting worse that the slightest touch makes it hurt. I don't know why it's doing that. But my mum bought Aleve today and it didn't work the first time but who knows maybe it'll work the next time that I take it.

I think that's all that I have to say so far. Thank you for taking the time to read this even if you don't respond.

[Guest OneSmallStep]

Hey, I don't know you, but I read what you wrote and I just want to say GOOD LUCK! I think writing everything down sounds like a great start for you to be able to get you to the help! Especially being honest with yourself and the doc about everything, as it sounds like you've done.. that's definitely a good step to getting help :

Also, Good luck with your mom, it took my grandmother a while to get use to it, and my brother at first flat out refused, but a year later he finally came around. Even if she doesn't, like you said you can't change how she's acting all you can do is look forward to a better future right ... I know it's frustrating, long before I came out I use to change the pronouns in my head everytime someone would call me the "wrong" pronoun.. it's a bit different, since it sounds like you are out about being trans, but it was something that helped me get through a time when I couldn't come out as trans...

overall, just good luck man

[Guest nelo]

The paragraph on friendship made my cry. In a good way, I guess. Um. But going on.

Aleve did squat for me when I tried it. Advil does nothing either. Extra strength Tylenol sort of works. But the stuff that really works for me isn't available over-the-counter...

Good luck with your writing and such.

[Guest miss kindheart]

<<< hug >>> Gremlin

Be good

Be safe

vanna

[Guest digitalgremlin]

Hey, I don't know you, but I read what you wrote and I just want to say GOOD LUCK! I think writing everything down sounds like a great start for you to be able to get you to the help! Especially being honest with yourself and the doc about everything, as it sounds like you've done.. that's definitely a good step to getting help :

Also, Good luck with your mom, it took my grandmother a while to get use to it, and my brother at first flat out refused, but a year later he finally came around. Even if she doesn't, like you said you can't change how she's acting all you can do is look forward to a better future right ... I know it's frustrating, long before I came out I use to change the pronouns in my head everytime someone would call me the "wrong" pronoun.. it's a bit different, since it sounds like you are out about being trans, but it was something that helped me get through a time when I couldn't come out as trans...

overall, just good luck man

Thank you much I'll be back soon very very soon And I'll be better when I come back

Hi Lee,

I'm probably up a little late to think clearly, but I thought you could cross off #14 from your list. We all need affection, and many of us don't get as much as we need. It's a problem of society, not you.

Your list is well thought out, and represents a pretty good summary of what you've talked about recently. I do hope your doctors can help you with this. I will tell you that there is light at the end of the tunnel: I spent my late teens and early twenties in torment and pain, but one day it fell away. Life hasn't been perfect the whole time since then, but the daily anguish is gone.

Another quick comment - Aleve doesn't work terribly fast. It's pretty effective in a couple of days, so give it time.

Take care! I do wish you all the best with the hospital - and try to make the best of it when you go.

Big hugs!

Love, Kat

Number 14 can't be taken off because of what I need to do with it. The way that I deal with that need for affection isn't good and that's what I have to deal with. lol

Thank you. As I said when I get back I'll be better Have to make a trip to the ER still but then off I go

<<< hug >>> Gremlin

Be good

Be safe

vanna

*hugs* vanna I'll miss you loads!!!