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Guest SamIThinkIAm

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Guest SamIThinkIAm

I do not do

This and that

Because of you

I do not do it

Because I wish no harm on you

I stay here with clipped wings

For you

And the truth that

I am a coward afraid of the consequences

Of that which I consequently

Do not do

I deny my heart

And my desires for boxers and to pee standing up for you

You are loving and kind

But this world to which I have no choice to belong

Is not familiar to you

You do not understand

I do not do

For you do not deserve

The harsh realities of loving me

And to see you recoil, punched with 'f^#%*t' and 'q@!#r' because you love me

Would kill me

I do not do

So that you do not get that terrible phone call

And have to identify me, lifeless and blue

When the coroner pulls back the sheets

After some hatred-filled hands have torn me from you

I do not do

So I can avoid having to explain to you

How painful it is not to have a bathroom

Where I belong

Because you would not understand

I do not do

So I do not have to confront

The possibility of losing you

And having to be the root cause of your circle's

Rejection of you

I do not do

So you will not have to re-contemplate you

What it means for you to love me

Genderqueer, freebird, drifter not quite right

In the cage into which I was born or the one I could transform into

I do not show

The spiritual gymnastics I execute

Behind these blank eyes

The raging war between wanting to

Play with my ball.s and birth life from my womb

I do not show

How words hurt me and refuse to fit

Like oh so many clothes on this frame

Daughter, she, girl, boy, he, son

The punch of them---snakebite---lets my soul bleed and run

Because I cannot explain why

I am sometimes your girlfriend, and sometimes their son

Sometimes both, boy who wants to be a mother

Pronouns taste like takeout left too long

In the refrigerator of one

It is just easier

Sometimes

To be silent and endure

Transfixus Sed Non Mortus*

And not have to answer the question

What are you?

I do not wish to walk alone

Cold and without a friendly welcoming home, without kin

And am so afraid

I will

If I do

*latin---means pierced (through the heart usually)/transfixed/paralyzed but not dead

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