Alone

[Guest Emily Ray]

Alone

Transpeople know loneliness

It seems to define our lives

Its pain is immeasurable

Its like a cold dagger

thrust into the core

of our being

We use tricks of the mind

to soften the pain

When our tricks

no longer work

we isolate

The isolation feels no better

instead of being stabed

repeatedly

the coldness grows

Then we realize

we are just using another trick

Transpeople know loneliness

It seems to define our lives

Emily Ray Frisbie

I wrote this last night in response to a question from the intake Social worker at Veterans Village of San Diego wher I wil be going tomorrow i think.

The question what scared you about coming to VVSD before At first I told her that it was the 30 day restriction policy that bothered me. I am sure she has heard that a thousand times before and it seemed incomplete and I was bothered by my response all night long.

The reason I was scared of the restriction policy was simply loneliness. I have in the past delt with that lonliness by moving. I have lived in a new place almost every 2 years up until 2004 when I started isolating. being stuck on the compound for 30 days would not alow me any relief from the loneliness. The trick of moving is saying to yourself I will meet somebody new if I go here or there and I wont be lonely. It of course never worked, but would bring relief for a time. I also was scared of the size of VVSD 170 people more or less. it is one thing to be alone in a small group odds are most people wont find a match in groups under twenty, but to feel alone in a group of 170 people is statisticaly not very common so says the trick and so I tend to avoid large bodies of people. the same logic applys to the isolation. everyone in a body of 1 is by definition alone. it is not just you that feels this way the whole world feels this way. But, alas this is just another trick of the mind we use to deal with our loneliness.

The key is what do we do when we find out all these coping strategies are just tricks. one could do as I have in the past and attempt suicide. Or one can choose as I have recently to say no to the tricks and fight the cause of my loneliness head on. For Transpeople it means to transition. It must be attempted at all costs. In reality you have nothing until you are honest with yourself and every person you relate to. If they leave it will be painful no doubt. But, is it any less painful hideing?

Huggs

Emily

[Sally]

We manage to feel alone in crowded rooms surrounded by friends, it seems to be an integral part of being trans.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest sarah f]

I find myself starting to isolate myself from my family and friends because I don't want to hurt them when I do come out. If they get used to me not being there than it won't be as bad. At least that is what I keep telling myself.

I like to be alone most of the time because it is what I am used to. I guess it comes with the teritory but I sometimes wish I had more friends to talk to.

Maybe someday I will venture out and actually meet some of the LGBT group that I talk to online in my area. I really want to but don't want to hurt my wifes feelings by doing this. It is hard enough on her right now just trying to accept who I am. I am not pushing anything on her right now.

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

It's a result of our Trans lives....

And it's with us like ugly on a ape....

We live our lives in isolation..self imposed...

While with other people we are looking at every situation as if it were happening in our correct gender robbing us of the joy of the moment..

We were always shackeled to the inside of our minds....

It's a hard life for most of us...

Hopefully we can all acheive our needs and start to enjoy life...

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Being alone - what is it caused by? It seems to be self inflicted most times. My take is there are certain characteristics we have that exacerbate this condition, many of them because we are gender dysphoric, some a combination of that and our circumstances, some just not understandable.

We are afraid to let people get close to us because we think they will suddendly discover us as we really are: gender dysphoric.

We have had an event or events in our lives that make us shun others: child abuse, sexual abuse, physical attacks, betrayals of trust in all forms and descriptions. This is a powerful deterent to socialization - if we have been hurt before by people we trust, we can't trust anyone.

We feel we are inferior and unworthy. This stems from a self identity problem, poor lack of self esteem. It is also because we often have not accepted ourselves.

We cannot interact properly when around people. Social Dysphoria. We just don't know how. Our awkwardness causes others to shun us. We withdraw and don't ever try again.

Our gender dysphoria. Others shun us, and we don't understand because we are good people, loving and kind.

Religeous prejudice - others have not read what Jesus says, to love one another. I suppose we don't fit in their worldview.

Bad breath - check your mouthwash effectiveness.

Sorry , I cannot stay serious - its too depressing. I think I will just go eat worms. Or just pull the cover over my head, in bed...

So In closing? To not be alone, we need to look at why we shun people? Perhaps there are those out there who will love us - if we love ourselves?

Elizabeth Anne

[Guest therisa]

Emily, reading your poem and the accompanying explaination, it was, as if you were talking about my life. My current place is about the longest that I have stayed in one place, having just past my 3rd anniversary, since leaving a woman's shelter. I know, why I isolate myself and still, find it a huge and painful struggle to fight it, at times. Wishing you, all the luck and strength in your healing.

Hugs,

Therisa