I'm Still Very Confused

[Guest Exeter]

I haven't been online much recently... I've been rather busy with other things in my life apart from my gender issues, but that doesn't keep me from constantly analysing it all and asking what it means. I know no one can tell me that, but sometimes you just need a second opinion or someone else to say something reassuring. -And sadly, that isn't my dad. So, I'm back again. Hopefully, this won't seem like a repeat of anything I've said before, but I worry sometimes that maybe I haven't worded things correctly.

(Therapy is not an option for me at this time... )

I'm just curious, I suppose. (I don't expect any of you to substitute for professional gender therapists. I'd just like your opinions, that's all.)

I'm so terrible at keeping my thoughts organised... I suppose I'll just say some things about myself again and if you really wouldn't mind reading it and telling me what you think, I'd appreciate it.

Firstly, I've always hated the idea of being female and everything that comes with it. Of course I don't mind looking feminine facially, or having a slight curve or shape to my body. I also enjoy the idea of dressing in alternative and not so masculine clothing, such as skinny jeans and things like that. I would certainly wear eyeliner, nail polish and maybe lipstick (if I could pass as male with it on.) Overall, I like the idea of being a feminine looking boy. -Pretty, but still male. At least in voice, chest and other areas where it matters.

The problem I encounter is that I am attracted to a very similar form of person. This creates the issue of making me confuse my sexuality with my gender identity. I am wondering if this is a form of autoandrophylia or simply a coping mechanism... or something else entirely.

Of course when I say that I'm attracted to feminine boys; they're FAR more feminine than I'd probably ever be. I mean, I'm more androgynous or masculine in personality and I'd prefer not to wear dresses or skirts, however I find myself VERY drawn to the idea of being in a relationship with a male who cross-dresses and acts the whole part of 'stereotype effeminate gay'. The reason why this is an issue is because I have, in fact, asked myself this, : If male, how do I know that I wouldn't eventually want to become this super feminine cross-dresser? Normally, I'd say, no. That's just who I'd be attracted to. But sometimes I think I want to be this person... If only to satisfy my desire for someone who is this way.

I would almost suspect that I suffer from a form of autoandrophylia, only I don't eroticise anything about male clothing or male attitudes or anything typically masculine. In fact, I do the opposite. I find that I'm fixated on women's clothing... such as stockings, mini-skirts, leather boots; particularly thigh-high ones, certain kinds of panties, and gothic lolita dresses. At this point it is doubtful that I would actually want to wear these items myself or become aroused by doing so, but the mere sight of these articles of clothing is oddly arousing at times. -Even if a female is wearing them... yet I'm not normally attracted to females.

Is this a clothing fetish or am I in fact, repressing an attraction to women? At times I find female bodies utterly repulsive, but other times not so much. Do you think that the only reason I prefer males is because I'm biologically female and don't find the idea of being a lesbian appealing? Does it sound like I'm a straight male who is repressing his sexuality? Or am I just a gay boy who's got a strange obsession with cross-dressers? - Or perhaps, I'm simply bisexual. (But still male, of course.) I'm seriously assuming the latter, because I find the idea of heterosexuality and homosexuality (between men) equally appealing. It's as if I like that a man is attracted to a woman, but also attracted to a man... Does that sound confusing? Probably.

There's one final thing that's really been bothering me. I don't think I see myself as female. At least not most of the time... and I seriously think that if I had 'my way' I wouldn't be female at all. -Yet, I empower women in fiction (I write) and I like to see them more dominant or assertive and I reverse roles constantly. (Meanwhile I also empower men in a way... letting them wear whatever they like and show emotion, and so on.) The reason I bring this up, is because I think the reason why I reverse gender roles is because I don't like where 'I' fit into the whole mix. I don't like the idea of being in a female role. And I don't like the idea of a partner who is in a male role. So, maybe reversing it all is merely my means of coping... does this mean that if I transitioned I would have to change my views on gender? Would it make me any sort of hypocrite? Is any of this at all understandable?

Well, I'm sorry for going on like this. I don't mean to bore anyone... really. I'm just so confused. And the more I think about it, the worse it gets. I know no one needs tags or the like, but I'd just love to have this all simplified somehow. To know for once, who I truly am and not have to question it anymore; to have that kind of closure would definitely make me a happier person.

If you've read all of this and your eyes are burning or you don't have a migraine, thank you... I'd appreciate any feedback or opinions.

[Guest Donna Jean]

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Hon....I'm afraid that I can't be of much help, but I don't want your post to get burried so I'll bump it back to the top so that more get a chance to see it...

Donna Jean

[Guest Opal]

Hi Exeter,

First, just want to let you know that I am 52, and live in a mostly rural area, so please keep that in mind as to how relevant you might find this.

Although there are those who see gender as being totally male or totally female, that is not the case. There is a spectrum of possibilities between one extreme and the other. In attempting to plot where on the spectrum one is, the different labels and classifications come in, but both labels and classifications are imprecise, they are confusing, and do they really help?

How we define ourselves within this gender range can vary from day to day, and I see nothing wrong with that. We grow, we learn, and we experience.

As I see it, one should not let how one sees themselves in the gender spectrum dictate who they are attracted to. One is simply attracted to someone else, who may or may not be feeling attraction in return. For myself, I find I am attracted to both certain males and females, but for different reasons.

As to clothing, so many things are factors here, the look, the style, the feel, the way that the clothing 'adorns' the wearer of that clothing. Clothing can even be used to send different messages to others. Perhaps simple on the surface, but with subtle complexities.

Please keep posting as you can. Your post here was just fine, and hope that you are not too discouraged over all of this.

Huggs,

Opal

[Guest ChloëC]

Hi Exeter,

You're asking some very involved and complicated questions, and for those of us who want to reply, it will be difficult because as you say, you (and we!) know we're not certified therapists.

But even if we can't answer your questions, sometimes it's good to keep posting and writing down what you feel, because it helps a lot just to sort it all out.

I would just be careful of applying labels like autoandrophylia to oneself. I suppose if I went into therapy, some things I might say about myself may suggest autogynephylia. I've read a lot about it, and I know it isn't me. And the funny thing is, knowing it doesn't make it so, or not so.

The same with the word hypocrite. To me, you're searching for answers about yourself. Until you feel comfortable with yourself and at that time decide what course you will take with your life, there is absolutely nothing hypocritical about what or who you are now.

My feeling is since there are 6 billion people on this planet, there can only be at least 6 billion labels. Because we're all different.

Sorry, I couldn't be more help

Hugs

Chloë

[Guest Exeter]

Hon....I'm afraid that I can't be of much help, but I don't want your post to get burried so I'll bump it back to the top so that more get a chance to see it...

Donna Jean

Thank you.

First, just want to let you know that I am 52, and live in a mostly rural area, so please keep that in mind as to how relevant you might find this.

That's ok. I'll accept any advice or opinions and even just talking to someone can help.

Please keep posting as you can. Your post here was just fine, and hope that you are not too discouraged over all of this.

Huggs,

Opal

Thanks; that makes me feel better. I'll try not to be.

But even if we can't answer your questions, sometimes it's good to keep posting and writing down what you feel, because it helps a lot just to sort it all out.

Yes, that actually describes my situation pretty well, I think. It seems writing it down does help a little and sometimes I've got to when I've no where else to turn. I suppose it doesn't usually work out talking to my dad about this stuff a lot. He usually gets disgusted. (It's not his fault; it's just he doesn't know what to do about it... I don't blame him.)

Sorry, I couldn't be more help

Hugs

Chloë

No, that's alright. You were right about what you said. I think I do just need to get it out sometimes.

Thanks.

[Guest miss kindheart]

Dear Exeter,

<<< hug >>>

I an sorry to hear that you are having some confusion about all of this.

Gender can and is very confusing for oh so many many.

I try and think of gender as a spectrum, you have Adam on one end and Eve the other, and everyone since then is some where in between and no two are in the same place, just try and be happy being who you are, and it is OK to move about, but try not be jealous of where others are, cause you don't know how their life really is

We have a chat room called Unsure what i am, why not come over sometime

If no one is in the room , just go and sit there for awhile, you never know who will join you

vanna