Therapy Breakthrough

[Guest Kit]

Today we had two breakthroughs in just one hour! So I'm feeling pretty good. A little shook up, but pretty good.

First, I learned I'm transgender... and I also learned that I know that! for sure!

So why have I been so obsessive about looking for proof and definite answers?

They aren't for me, because I know-- but they're for other people. I've just been worrying about other people doubting me or having opinions and I was scared that I can't stand up for myself.

Well... that's relieving and scary at the same time, but at least I'm now less confused.

So I also got a new counselor who is an FTM at the local LGBT community center. We get to communicate with emails so I don't have to use a phone and risk being overheard...

So some relief and a whole lot of scary stuff! ... C'est la vie...

--Kit

[Carolyn Marie]

We all look for, and hope for, confirmation. Doubt is ever present for many of us, at least at first. Its a momentous, life

changing thing being trans, and we want someone, preferably a neutral party (with MA or PhD after their name ), to tell us we're OK,

and that they believe us. That opens the door to us believing in ourselves.

So your reaction - totally understandable. Good for you!

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Kit]

Today I had therapy breakthrough number two which was good, I think.

I'm now on medication for anxiety and cyclic depression, which is going to help a lot.

Second doctor wants to start me on testosterone, but I told her not yet. If I'm not even comfortable to talk yet...

But on a good note, no more anxiety attacks.

--Kit

[Guest NatalieRene]

Thats a big giant step forward. I'm very happy for you.

[JJ]

Cool Kit!

That's great news. Keep going at your own pace. You are wise to not want to rush or be rushed.

Your own conviction is the most powerful weapon you have in getting people to believe and accept you. Sounds corny and cliche but it's still absolutely true.

JohnJ

[JenniferB]

Today I had therapy breakthrough number two which was good, I think.

I'm now on medication for anxiety and cyclic depression, which is going to help a lot.

Second doctor wants to start me on testosterone, but I told her not yet. If I'm not even comfortable to talk yet...

But on a good note, no more anxiety attacks.

--Kit

Congrats Kit. When I went to my GT she diagnosed me with bipolar II disorder. And subsequently I went to a psychiatrist who confirmed it. BP II disorder has more to do with anxiety and depression so I'm on limotrigine. Anxiety and depression seems to be a very common problem with trans people. Sometimes I wonder if it comes with being in the wrong body.

Love Jenny

[Guest Kit]

Hey, thanks everyone. I'm really greatful for all your support.

As far as depression goes, I am ridiculously lucky. First of all, I've been able to predict my low periods since I was 10. (They happen every other year for about five months.) I'm not bipolar because I never actually have 'up' periods. So I'm relatively stable.

As for anxiety, I know my triggers. Darkness, being alone, and train whistles. Sadly I live next to some tracks... so I need to get over that. My anxiety apparently has been preventing me from suicidal actions, so I'm very fortunate since my fear of death outweighs most other emotions.

As for taking things slowly, I really think I'm on a good track. My therapists really want to talk to my parents... and I was planning on coming out even in a few months, but I'm starting to realize that that is waaaay too soon. It's a better use of my time to just wait it out and find exactly the right things to say.

I'm also in contact now with a local transman and we get to talk by email. I have his phone number, but I'm a little worried about calling since being overheard would be bad. Fortunately he understands this so even though communication is hard, we can get things done.

This is really stupid, but I get to bring my sketchbook to therapy and that makes me really happy. It's super useful! By drawing out where I feel wrong during panic attacks, the doctor could diagnose my anxiety and all... I'm doing very well, I think. Plus, I like showing off my sketches. But that's just... something else.

Another good note-- This was supposed to be a low year for me. However, I'm pretty sure my low has ended. Or will end... soon. It's very lucky to be able to plan ahead for being depressed.

--Kit

[Guest Opal]

Congratulations Kit!

Sounds like you have a really good grasp on things, and can progress forward from here.

Hugs,

Opal

[Guest Kit]

I really do--

But the thought of taking the medication is giving me anxiety. One of the side effects is vomiting, which is one of my triggers/phobias...

And weight gain, that's another one.

So I'm really scared. I don't want to throw up potatoes and chocolate... not good!

--Kit

[Guest KimberlyF]

Today I had therapy breakthrough number two which was good, I think.

I'm now on medication for anxiety and cyclic depression, which is going to help a lot.

Second doctor wants to start me on testosterone, but I told her not yet. If I'm not even comfortable to talk yet...

But on a good note, no more anxiety attacks.

--Kit

Honestly this is not a therapists job to try to push you onto hormones. This would be a major issue for me. Almost a deal breaker. Is this the FTM? If they're pushing what worked on them onto you that's very unprofessional. You may be ready next week or next month but you have to figure that out yourself.

Kim

[JenniferB]

I really do--

But the thought of taking the medication is giving me anxiety. One of the side effects is vomiting, which is one of my triggers/phobias...

And weight gain, that's another one.

So I'm really scared. I don't want to throw up potatoes and chocolate... not good!

--Kit

Lamotrigone does not make you gain weight and does not make you sick. That's why I chose it. My psychiatrist trusted me enough to do the research in all anxiety and depression meds. The biggest drawback of this med is Stephen-Johnson syndrome. So you have to start very slow. It takes 4 weeks of meds just to get to the point it may help. This is my 5th week on the meds and I still need to increase the amount I take.

You have to experiment until you find the right med or meds for you. Everyone is different. Good Luck!

Love Jenny

[Guest Kit]

No, it was the psychiatrist. It was hardly a push, just a suggestion and a suggestion that she tell my parents, but at least I have the guts to say no. Other doctor is really good though because she won't even let me discuss that yet until i can work out my other issues. At the earliest, I want to start after graduation. Because high school is hard enough.

I have a psychologist, psychiatrist and FTM helper... so that's a lot to keep straight.

Well... I just started on the anti-anxiety and the side-effects are starting so I should probably rest. I think my head is going to explode. Rather my head than my stomach, though.

-- Kit

[Carolyn Marie]

You have to experiment until you find the right med or meds for you. Everyone is different. Good Luck!

Love Jenny

That's the key Jenny. Thanks for mentioning that. No one medicine is right for everyone, and because one person doesn't experience a side effect doesn't mean the next person won't. It's up to each of us to read the warnings and be aware of what could happen.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest KimberlyF]

No, it was the psychiatrist. It was hardly a push, just a suggestion and a suggestion that she tell my parents, but at least I have the guts to say no. Other doctor is really good though because she won't even let me discuss that yet until i can work out my other issues. At the earliest, I want to start after graduation. Because high school is hard enough.

I have a psychologist, psychiatrist and FTM helper... so that's a lot to keep straight.

Well... I just started on the anti-anxiety and the side-effects are starting so I should probably rest. I think my head is going to explode. Rather my head than my stomach, though.

-- Kit

OK...that makes more sense to me. Psychiatrists are MDs and some doctors really are all about medicine fixing things. It seems like that's the education they get. Everything can be cured with a prescription. My son sees his psychiatrist for about 10 mins once a month for Aspergers and he gave him a prescription the first time he saw him at that was going to cut down on the majority of his problems. He sees his therapist once a week for an hour because this is obviously something he's going to deal with his whole life and he needs to learn how to cope. There was never an illusion that this wasn't going to be a long process. And you know, they were both a little right. The drugs did help a little with reducing stressers, but he needs the long term care too and without ideas on how to deal with the real world it would turn out that even those drugs were pointless. And we're the same way. HRT doesn't fix us. If we're not ready it isn't going to change our lives.

I don't ever want to say my sons Aspergers was a gift, but there are so many parallels with our treatments that it's helping me a little along the way.

Kim

[Guest Kit]

The anti-anxiety made me really sick at school.

Dizziness, nausea, racing hearbeart, cold sweats and a fever.

So I called the doctor but I haven't heard back yet.

--Kit