Confused On Who I Am

[Guest Dakota.P]

Wow. I am really nervous. Well, here it goes...

First, a few random history facts

I was born in a large conservative family and was homeschooled. Through my whole life I have been the "oddball" wherever I go. I have also felt a lack of acceptance from my dad – it always like "why can't you be more like your brother." I am very similar to my mom, in appearance, preferences, personality, etc. We have joked that I am the male version of my mom. Both of my parents tell me that their goal for me is to become a godly man. In light of that, I was raised doing "godly" and "manly" things and have been greatly influenced by trying to be a guy. I think that is enough of my history.

Now

I am confused. I am not sure who or what I am. Am I a guy or a girl? I seem to exhibit qualities from both genders. I wear combat boots while I carry a (masculine) purse. I have a fairly muscular build, but I have never needed to shave my face. (my legs could use it though ) I enjoy wood and metal working, but I also enjoy making pretty jewelry. I am attracted to girls, but I am to guys too. I know how to tie all of the knots in the Boy Scout handbook, but I like to braid hair. Some people think I am a machine that crushes boulders by staring at them, while others think I am more tender than a teddy bear. I help my brother analyze his business ideas, or I can just listen and talk with my sisters about a lot of nothing, everything, or girly things. (My sister jokes to her friends that I am the older sister she never had) I argue very logically, but I come to my conclusions by my intuition. I like to hike 10 miles a day with a 60lb pack through mountains, but I also want to take a slow walk through gardens with a good friend. Most people consider me very stoic, but that is only because I have worked so hard to hide my emotions. I do martial arts, but I love taking care of kids and holding babies. I have lots of other "quirks" like loving to pick and arrange bouquets, never had wanted to be a husband, a COGIATI result of 130, and love is way more important to me than respect.

I feel like I have two different people inside me, being torn in two different directions. There have been times in my past where I thought it would be easier to just skip this life and jump to the next. (Please note, I said my past, not currently. I am not suicidal right now) There are some days I can't stand the thought of being stuck as "man" for the rest of my life. But other times I feel ashamed that I thought that. I am glad that I lived the life of a boy growing up, but I wish I could go back and do the girl's slumber parties, nail painting with my sisters, being "allowed" to let it all out to a friend and not be a "tough guy", etc. And to make matters worse, I am at that time in life that I need to make long term decisions. The guy side of me says to join the Army to be a medic. The girl side of me just wants to be a wife and mom. Then the guy side of me says "Ridiculous. You may have been born a girl, but you are now made a man." And the argument goes on. I just feel so confused. And alone . This is the first I have told anyone about this

Am I just a weirdo, androgynous, or transsexual? It seems like I have too many male attributes to be transsexual. But I don't feel like a mash-up of genders either, more like pulled in two different directions. Does that mean I am not androgynous?(Please forgive me if this is not posted in the right forum, I am too confused to know) I guess I am just a freak.(That would be nothing new ) I know I should probably go see a gender therapist, but I can not afford one. And if I could, I couldn't get there without my family knowing. I do not know what to do right now. I am not sure why I am posting this here. I guess I felt I needed to do something, tell someone, and not feel so alone. Thanks for listening . If you have any advise or comments, I would appreciate it.

~D

P.S. Sorry that this is such a long post.

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Hello, Dakota...

Welcome to the Playground

I'm Donna Jean..

Hon...you obviously want direction..And I can see why...

Now, you said that you can't see a gender therapist right now, and that is exactly what I was going to tell you to do.

So, what to do?

Well, for the time being, stay on here and read, post and ask questions...you'd be surprised how much you can get from that alone. And in the meanbtime figure out a way to see that therapist..because, there lies the key...

Dear, most of us have been through some form of what you are going through. And, you are NOT a freak!

Let me make you welcome with some hot coco and a plate of Sally's cookies...maybe that will help you to relax a bit...ok?

It's nice to have you here, Hon....

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Guest Micha]

Welcome ~D.

I wouldn't know from experience, but I'd like to think a educated professional would be of the greatest assistance, if ever you find a way around it outing you or the problems you would have with that. I've never seen a therapist about this either, but I hear they can do wonders. For now. . .

First, don't apologize for posting. Ever. Seriously, there's no need to. If anyone minded, they wouldn't be here. Posting is one of the best things you could do here.

I'm not sure what seems most urgent for you, the long term decision, or the gender question. Ultimately it's for you to decide, but you asked for input. Here goes. . .

Why military? Not a cynical question, I mean it. There are medical techs that operate on American soil, within American communities, serving American citizens in emergencies and otherwise. In my mind, that's just as patriotic, if not more so. I don't how it would pan out starting a military career with hopes of starting a family (and being there for your family), a vet would have to put them 2 cents in on that.

Am I just a weirdo, androgynous, or transsexual? It seems like I have too many male attributes to be transsexual. But I don't feel like a mash-up of genders either, more like pulled in two different directions. Does that mean I am not androgynous?

Not at all. Perhaps androgynous isn't specifically accurate, but there's a discussion on that as well. There's other terms that may or may not fit (ie bigender, gender fluid, etc, if labels and vocabulary are that important. . . a glossary). You're not a weirdo, no more so than anyone else. S'all relative after all. Don't worry if you're too masculine to be transexual, or if you don't "qualify" as androgynous, these terms are meant to serve you as a means to understand yourself, not as something to be defined by. You seem to know how you feel, at least you've presented your feelings very clearly.

My first impression was to ask why not just express both the masculine and the feminine? Seeing as you don't feel they're meshed together, but separate parts of you, perhaps take turns. Is that a possibility? I know someone here should be able to describe that better than I could. For me there isn't the same contrast you've described. My traits aren't masculine or feminine, they're simply me, my traits, who I am. I can see the difficulties of having that contrast, having the separation, it looks like a big conflict.

[Guest Dakota.P]

Thanks for the warm welcome Donna Jean and Micha. I have and will continue to read all of the good info here. I will have to work on how I am going to see a therapist.

Why military? Not a cynical question, I mean it. There are medical techs that operate on American soil, within American communities, serving American citizens in emergencies and otherwise. In my mind, that's just as patriotic, if not more so. I don't how it would pan out starting a military career with hopes of starting a family (and being there for your family), a vet would have to put them 2 cents in on that.

I think it is mostly because of my background. I was raised doing very masculine things. I have done stuff with friends in ROTC, and I still beat some of them with all of their training. I have had a Colonel and Majors asking me to join. As for being a medic, I actually do not like medical stuff. I just really like to help people, plus I am good at all of the first responder stuff. I guess I was thinking the military because that seemed like one of the things that I am good at.

My first impression was to ask why not just express both the masculine and the feminine? Seeing as you don't feel they're meshed together, but separate parts of you, perhaps take turns. Is that a possibility? I know someone here should be able to describe that better than I could. For me there isn't the same contrast you've described. My traits aren't masculine or feminine, they're simply me, my traits, who I am. I can see the difficulties of having that contrast, having the separation, it looks like a big conflict.

This made me realize I had been thinking in black and white (I had been thinking that my two parts were at odds with each other). But then again, black and white is also a decent part of my personality. (Here I go arguing/confusing myself again...) Taking turns is an idea I had not thought about, but I have a hard enough time keeping one life straight. I could not imagine trying to manage two! I guess I might just need to learn how to make gray.

[Guest Chrysee]

This made me realize I had been thinking in black and white (I had been thinking that my two parts were at odds with each other). But then again, black and white is also a decent part of my personality. (Here I go arguing/confusing myself again...) Taking turns is an idea I had not thought about, but I have a hard enough time keeping one life straight. I could not imagine trying to manage two! I guess I might just need to learn how to make gray.

Welcome to the playground. I can relate, believe me.

I am androgynous and have shared before that I feel like a car inwhich both a man and a woman are seated in the front. For most of my life, the man did the driving, which the woman was supposed to understand was just the way that things are done. Now, one minute the man is driving and in the next the woman is at the wheel.

I do not feel that this is a conflict of any sort, nor is it a case of me not being able to come to some decision about myself. Believe me, that decision has been made!

Now I used to be heavily involved in Hermetic Magick. As such, I had a magickal name and persona. Though I walked away from that a couple of years before Coming Out, I still become that persona on occasion. And now, I have a second, female persona as well.

If I had business (or personal) cards made up, here's how they'd read:

We are:

Frater Eli Sartorious

‘Servitor Mundi Morientis’

(Server of a Dying World.)

&

Soror Chrysalis Priscilla Sartorious

‘In Vitro Veritas’

Together I am:

Unity in Diversity

My definition of 'In Vitro Veritas' is incomplete as it is just a bit more complicated than that. However, I hope that I made my point: together, we are not locked in a tug-of-war or just wandering around confused. . .Together, we are Unity,

Heck, every man walking this planet has an inner woman and every woman an inner man. (You might try reading Carl Jung's writings on Anima/Animus.) To be one and have none of the other would be like being an all positive (or negative) battery. There's no Light without Dark, Wet without Dry, etc.

Hope I helped in some way.

Love,

Chrysalis

[Guest stranger]

Hello, young person...

You and I seem to have found similar issues at vastly different life stages...

I...really think you need to probably not go into the military, because, unfortunately, their policy towards gender variance is really bad. As far as I know, those discharged for being trans are discharged without educational benefits they may have earned. What I do think you ought to do is to go away to school somewhere in a bigger town. Get a 2-year degree as a paramedic, and also think about going to get a four-year degree in disaster management in the future.

As young as you are, you can get on with a municipal emergency department if you want, and that's a decent living.

The thing to do, really is to make sure you have a decent-paying career that you can do wherever you decide you want to live, you see. If you feel the need to be openly androgyne, well, that can be hard to do in rural areas.

Not impossible, just far more of a challenge. It's, well, less than it used to be-the generation after mine's a lot more openminded, but it can still get lonely.

I also want you to kick around the thought that you grew up in a very gender-rigid environment(I'm guessing, correct me if I'm wrong.) I expect your Mom stayed home and your Dad worked, and male/female roles were very delineated.

Well, to some degree, you grew up in a bit of an anachronism. Gender roles aren't like that for most of us anymore-they've gotten way more flexible...even before my recent suspicion of androgyny, I anticipated working full-time my whole life-even if I have a child. We may adopt, and my significant other and I would have to do the juggling act that most parents do, whatever their gender.

So what you think of as male/female, well that is, to some degree, attributions you give to traits that are actually just traits-we just say "Oh, that's for girls," or "Oh that's for boys."

It's also that we reward little boys for acting like what we think little boys should act like, and the same for girls-and punish them harshly for doing the opposite...that's what researchers have found.

So the upshot is; your idea of what it is to be male and what it is to be female is going to be more rigid than most of us, I thinkThis may be a problem for you, to say the least.

Oh, and if you ever feel like offing yourself again-don't! it'll pass! You sound like the sort of good-hearted person we need more of in this world.

[Guest Dakota.P]

Sorry for being missing lately. I have been driving all over one of the most beautiful states with the friendliest people.   

Thank you all for your replies!

Yes, I was raised in a very gender role specific environment. None of my sisters (and that's a lot of them) are going to college. The Bible conferences we went to were gender segregated. Heh, my sisters aren't even allowed to wear pants or shorts! Some people think we are Amish or something.    Suffice to say, I have very rigid ideas of what is male and female.

Yeah, I think basically my problem is that I do not fit in a stereotypical gender role but do not know how to live otherwise.

As for the military, remember, that is the "guy" side of me (the one in control for the last bunch of years) that wants that. The "girl" side of me doesn't love the idea. But I can't just get rid of the excessively "guy" side of me. I mean, it's all I've had for years. I feel like there is who I was born, who I was trained to be,and who I "wear" so I am not rejected by others. How do I know what is really me? Like, my history is still apart of me, right? Ugh, this is frustrating. At least I am making progress. (Thanks everyone!) I guess this is the hopeful type of frustration.

~D

[Guest Micha]

Everything comes in time. Hopefully both sides can compromise for you, and you can find some balance.