I Came Out, Now Go Out!

[Guest Chrysee]

I have approached changing my appearance in stages. As well, I have only very gradually expanded the areas in which I appear with my new look. It seems quite justified to me, but on the other hand I'm feeling totally gutless.

I am an androgyne who accentuates the feminine. It took weeks before I would walk around the house in a skirt. And to be truthful, it was my girlfriend who pointed out to me how much better I'd feel once I'd done it. And she was right.

Then, after maybe another week, during which time I'd kneel down at the backdoor and stick my head out ever so slightly to smoke (smoking is banned in the house!) that I finally (and quite brazenly) sauntered out into the back yard to get comfy in a lawn chair and chill with a cigarette.

The other day, I actually went across the street and visited my neighbors wearing eye make-up.

Now I got picked on and made fun of like mad all the while that I was growing up. Bullied, you name it. Adulthood tends to get you out of that world. Now, feeling like I'm in a time and place where I can be who I Gosh darned well truly am, I am terrified of. . .being picked on, bullied, made fun of, etc.

I used a public men's room not long back and standing at the urinal I had to undo the front of my pants to adjust the waistline of my panties. Thank God I was alone in there! I'm sure that I was the first one to ever wear anything lilac colored in that room.

But the time has come. I want to 'get my girlie on' and go to the Mall. Clackamas Town Center (the nearest mall) is one of my favorite places. I want to go with my girlfriend, which is standard. I want the nerve to walk through the neighborhood in a skirt and make-up and wait for the #71 bus. This might mean standing out in the open for sometime. Then riding with a bus load of gawkers. At the Mall, when you enter, the first thing you hit is the Food Court. Dear God, do you suppose that a bazillion young people stuffing themselves on Carl's Jr. will notice a fifty something femmy hippie? Then, onto Barnes and Noble. . .The Mac Store!

But I shall skip Starbucks. The restroom for me would be some isolated niche in the vicinity of the parking lot.

I conclude with two questions: 1.) Am I alone here? & 2.) How disgusting am I? (Okay three questions) 3.)Should I be ashamed of myself?

Cowardly Chrysee

[Guest Sharah]

Hi Chrysee,

Let me give you my asnwers to your three questions:

1.) Am I alone here?

Not from what I have read in the threads here. I have seen a number of others who wrestle with the same feelings as you.

2.) How disgusting am I?

I feel no disgust towards you at all. I feel like I know a little more about you than I did before I read you message and I certainly feel like I want to know even you even more. Disgust? Not even close. Empathy and concern, most definitely.

3.)Should I be ashamed of myself?

No one should ever have to be ashamed of who they are. Others don't always make that easy but that is their problem not yours.

[Guest stranger]

It's like this:

Is it quite likely to cause you risk of physical danger?

Is it going to cost you in terms of employment or get you evicted by a bigoted landlord?

Will it get you in any assorted legal trouble?

If you believe the answer is no, no,no, and no, I say, go for it.

People may snicker...teens almost certainly will, they live to snicker at people older than themselves.

Oh well. Enjoy your fabulousness anyway.

Life's far too short to let yourself be ruled by what others think.

Do be careful about peeing in a non-restroom public place though...It might just be better to wait for the "family" singleton stall to open up, or go in a McDonald's (That's what McDonald's are for, right?)

[Sally]

I used a public men's room not long back and standing at the urinal I had to undo the front of my pants to adjust the waistline of my panties. Thank God I was alone in there! I'm sure that I was the first one to ever wear anything lilac colored in that room.

Don't bet on that! There are a lot more of us than you might think.

I conclude with two questions: 1.) Am I alone here?

Not by a long shot - we are all here with you by the thousands - an invisible minority, shrouded in secrecy but still here none the less.

& 2.) How disgusting am I?

Not at all.

(Okay three questions) 3.)Should I be ashamed of myself?

NEVER! Shame comes from doing something wrong, you are just different from the binary idea of gender, by birth so what have you done wrong to be ashamed of - NOTHING!

Cowardly Chrysee

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Chrysee]

It's like this:

Is it quite likely to cause you risk of physical danger?

Is it going to cost you in terms of employment or get you evicted by a bigoted landlord?

Will it get you in any assorted legal trouble?

If you believe the answer is no, no,no, and no, I say, go for it.

People may snicker...teens almost certainly will, they live to snicker at people older than themselves.

Oh well. Enjoy your fabulousness anyway.

Life's far too short to let yourself be ruled by what others think.

Do be careful about peeing in a non-restroom public place though...It might just be better to wait for the "family" singleton stall to open up, or go in a McDonald's (That's what McDonald's are for, right?)

First, thanks to all who replied. And second. . .my 'fabulousness'? Why thank you, Stranger.

[Guest Patsy]

My....this doesn't sound like the Belle of Felony Flats at all!

Disgusting.....ashamed....cowardly? I feel an email coming on....

[Guest sarah f]

1.) Am I alone here?

Definately not alone here. I too am afraid to go out as myself in public.

2.) How disgusting am I?

You are not disgusting at all. You are just as normal as anyone here.

3.)Should I be ashamed of myself?

Definately should not be ashamed or yourself. We are always scared of what may happen once we step out that door as ourselves.

[Guest Chrysee]

Sarah,

'As normal as anyone here,' you say? Now what in the name of the Goddess does that mean?

Chrysalis

[Guest Chrysee]

My....this doesn't sound like the Belle of Felony Flats at all!

Disgusting.....ashamed....cowardly? I feel an email coming on....

And you were right, now weren't you?

Chrysalis

The Belle of Felony Flats

[Guest Micha]

1.) Am I alone here? & 2.) How disgusting am I? (Okay three questions) 3.)Should I be ashamed of myself?

1. - No. I've been coming to work in eyeliner, applying mascara once I get there (dunno if mi amore would approve, not yet willing to find out), and yeah, tha's where I've stopped for the time being. It's kinda scary going out like that, talking to my co workers and making eye contact with people. I can totally understand taking it in measures; it's not cowardice, it's a mixture of caution and a development of self esteem and confidence. Make your way through this at your pace, no one else's.

2.- Not one bit. Why would you think you are? You are free to be yourself, no one has the right to judge you for it.

3.- Only for asking question #2.

Take care of yourself luv, don't worry about the stares or snickers, just be careful not wind up in a situation you can get hurt.