Gender Identity Obsession (Literally)

[Guest LookingForHelp]

I'm in a rough place at the moment. Maybe someone here can help? My story is generally similar to many of the ones I've already read on here, but let me tell it anyway.

I'm a male -- always have been and, up until a week ago, always wanted to be. I've had a number of "girl" interests in my relatively short lifetime (I'm 18); princesses, barbies, etc, etc. That, and I used to pretend I was a girl -- not because I felt I SHOULD have been one, necessarily, but because my interests seem to allign more with girls than boys.

I had always had crushes on boys, and I figured I was gay. Being a gay male was nothing I was every uncomfortable with -- in fact, I really liked the idea of it. I've always been interested-- and still am interested -- in, for lack of better terms, gay porn and whatnot.

Now, I will admit that, at times, I did fantasize about being a girl in middle school and high school (I never cross-dressed, though), but I never thought a thing of it -- I was just jealous that guys liked girls and not me, and girls had more clothing options, and they could do everything I wanted to do without being judged.

So, I came out to a lot of people over the summer (after high school graduation) and everything was great! Finally, I could be who I wanted to be.

Then I had a bout with OCD. It was a terrible three months, during which I was afraid I was a pedophile (for those of you who aren't familiar with OCD, it's a relatively common theme). I started seeing a counsellor, however, and I eventually got my irrational fear under control. HOWEVER, IMMEADIATELY after my first obsession, this obsession that I may be transgender or transexual began (this was last week).

So, for the past week, I have become completely and totally obsessed with these transgender/transexual fears.

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against you guys (and gals, I suppose) but I NEVER thought that I was transgender myself. I really don't want a sex change (at least, I think I don't) -- I pretty much like my body (sure, I'm kind of skinny for a guy and I hate how hairy my legs are, but hey; isn't that normal?) and I would like to continue my life as a gay male.

The thing is, as I've gone through almost all of my memories, I can't decide what I am, or if this is just my OCD is blowing this whole thing way out of proportion!

I've never had a real problem with my body or gender -- though, at times gender roles can be a bit constricting. It's like, I don't want to be a girl (sometimes I think it would be easier to live my life as a girl, I will admit) and I would very much like to stop obsessing over whether or not I'm a guy, or a girl, or transgender.

I guess my biggest fear is that I will end up being a transexual (again, no offense. it just isn't for me, I don't think) despite my being comfortable with being a gay male.

Anyway... I am still seeing my therapist, so I'll have to bring this up with her. Distinguishing between the OCD and the actually gender issues is impossible at the moment, and my mind is in debate mode all day, every day.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Hi hon,

I am very familiar with OCD. OCD is not linked to pedophilia nor is it linked to transsexualism. OCD is not related to sexuality or gender identity. OCD is a disorder based in fear. If you are diagnosed with OCD, then this is your paramount issue to overcome.

I am glad to hear that you are seeing a therapist and I do hope that this therapist will help you heal.

Gender Dysphoria is a very real and serious condition that demands addressing. Ignoring gender dysphoria is not the answer (I know... I tried... I failed).

Welcome to Laura's hon

Brenda

[Guest LookingForHelp]

Hi hon,

I am very familiar with OCD. OCD is not linked to pedophilia nor is it linked to transsexualism. OCD is not related to sexuality or gender identity. OCD is a disorder based in fear. If you are diagnosed with OCD, then this is your paramount issue to overcome.

I am glad to hear that you are seeing a therapist and I do hope that this therapist will help you heal.

Gender Dysphoria is a very real and serious condition that demands addressing. Ignoring gender dysphoria is not the answer (I know... I tried... I failed).

Welcome to Laura's hon

Brenda

Brenda, I'm sorry, but are you saying that I am suffering from Gender Dysphoria, or I am not?

[JenniferB]

Brenda, I'm sorry, but are you saying that I am suffering from Gender Dysphoria, or I am not?

I don't believe Brenda is trying to say you have Gender Dysphoria. She is trying to say. at least for now, is to take care of the OCD. Gender dysphoria is feeling like you were born in the wrong gender body. At least from what I'm seeing from your text, gender dysphoria seems doubtful.

There are other places on the gender spectrum that aren't transsexual. You might want to explore those. I would recommend reading the forums to find more information. There is a library of information here and probably others who feel the same way you do.

Good Luck in finding yourself and overcoming your problems. I would feel happy if you do.

Love Jenny

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Diagnosis of OCD, and diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria requires a therapist to make that diagnosis. For Gender dysphoria, a gender trained therapist is the best to make such a diagnosis. OCD on the other hand, can be diagnosed by therapist's, psychologists, and psychiatrists. I am none of these professionals, so therefore, I cannot diagnose anyone.

Both OCD and GID are very serious and require much work to reconcile. If one is diagnosed with OCD, then this condition overwhelms many other diagnosis. Not to diminish GID in any way, but OCD influences one's interaction with the world more profoundly than GID ever will.

OCD requires the assistance of a psychiatrist, and usually requires some form of medication to help mitigate the symptoms.

OCD is very serious. GID is also serious, but the options are far wider.

Brenda

[Guest LookingForHelp]

I mean, I'm currently being treated for OCD (pure obsessions, specifically). It just makes it especially hard to decipher what feelings are real and which are not. Plus, the fact that I have a history with these sorts of thoughts (sort of) in the past is not helping. It really just gives my OCD more to feed off of.

Shaking this will be hard, as I still don't know what is the OCD and what is ME, but I guess that's what therapy is for. Either way, though, it's nice to have people who don't judge me -- no matter how accurate or inaccurate the thoughts may be.

At this point, my guess is that I may have some gender issues, but not to the degree that I fear. My OCD is likely just amplifying them.

But I guess we'll see...

[Guest Jean Davis]

Hi honey

So nice to hear from you and Welcome to Laura's

I'm in a rough place at the moment. Maybe someone here can help? My story is generally similar to many of the ones I've already read on here, but let me tell it anyway.

That's alright, we all get rough patches from time to time. I'm glad you decided to confide in us to try to help with your concerns, we'll try our best.

I'm a male -- always have been and, up until a week ago, always wanted to be. I've had a number of "girl" interests in my relatively short lifetime (I'm 18); princesses, barbies, etc, etc. That, and I used to pretend I was a girl -- not because I felt I SHOULD have been one, necessarily, but because my interests seem to allign more with girls than boys.

What you are saying here is very familiar to me, I was also very confused at this point in my life. I always wanted to participate in the activities with the girls that I knew. And if/when I did go out with someone, the young lady always had to be someone that was very attractive. I found out later in life that I wasn't seeing them for a relationship or love but to try to fit in where I believed I belonged. Needless to say the relationships never lasted long since the women wouldn't treat me like one of the girls but like a boy friend and that made me very uncomfortable.

I had always had crushes on boys, and I figured I was gay. Being a gay male was nothing I was every uncomfortable with -- in fact, I really liked the idea of it. I've always been interested-- and still am interested -- in, for lack of better terms, gay porn and whatnot.

I can also see where you are coming from here, I too had these feelings kinda. Though when I was your age (22 years ago) being or having people think I was gay was not the safest thing much less being transgender/transsexual. Now though I like to consider myself a hetrosexual woman or perhaps bisexual. This took me a long time to realize, so don't rush yourself. Much of understanding yourself is being comfortable with what you find out, don't push yourself to any conclusion.

Now, I will admit that, at times, I did fantasize about being a girl in middle school and high school (I never cross-dressed, though), but I never thought a thing of it -- I was just jealous that guys liked girls and not me, and girls had more clothing options, and they could do everything I wanted to do without being judged.

Have you ever thought about experimenting with your feelings in the privacy of your home, much of understanding yourself is trial and error. Perhaps you could ask your therapist. Also I feel as you do, I wish I could be and do what I want without being judged. Unfortunately this is not reality yet but change is happening, slow but sure.

So, I came out to a lot of people over the summer (after high school graduation) and everything was great! Finally, I could be who I wanted to be.

This I worry about, until you have a good understanding on who you are and what makes you comfortable it may not be the best thing to do. The more you understand about yourself the more the situation/explination may change. If you tell them too many different explinations they may take what you say as just a phase or not believe you. Wait till you are comfortable with what you and your therapist discover and then tell people, until then keep your explination vague.

Then I had a bout with OCD. It was a terrible three months, during which I was afraid I was a pedophile (for those of you who aren't familiar with OCD, it's a relatively common theme). I started seeing a counsellor, however, and I eventually got my irrational fear under control. HOWEVER, IMMEADIATELY after my first obsession, this obsession that I may be transgender or transexual began (this was last week).

Here's a link for OCD http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive-compulsive_disorder. From what I have read you may or may not have OCD, personally I lean to the not side. The way I see it you have a very real concern about a very tough subject. Understanding yourself is never easy, but the more you find out and accept the more I think your obsession will fade.

So, for the past week, I have become completely and totally obsessed with these transgender/transexual fears.

Now honey, just put your mind at ease, you seem to be a very capable person. Just take your time and tackle one issue/concern at a time and you'll be just fine. You don't have to change anything anytime soon and you don't have to try to impress anyone here. Many of us are still struggling with the very same concerns you are. And whatever you decide that's just fine with us, we don't judge, just want to help.

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against you guys (and gals, I suppose) but I NEVER thought that I was transgender myself. I really don't want a sex change (at least, I think I don't) -- I pretty much like my body (sure, I'm kind of skinny for a guy and I hate how hairy my legs are, but hey; isn't that normal?) and I would like to continue my life as a gay male.

Well that's nice to hear, we don't have nothing against you either. Also many of us didn't think of ourselves as transgendered either, personally I fought my feelings for many years till I just couldn't anymore. You'll have to find this out on your own, when you just can't stand who you are and how your life is proceeding anymore you'll find your answers. In the mean time here's a list of all the many aspects of being transgender with definations. http://www.lauras-playground.com/transgender_terminology.htm.

The thing is, as I've gone through almost all of my memories, I can't decide what I am, or if this is just my OCD is blowing this whole thing way out of proportion!

Just keep an open mind, consider all options and find your answers. When you find your answers you'll know, you'll be more comfortable and perhaps happier than you ever have.

I've never had a real problem with my body or gender -- though, at times gender roles can be a bit constricting. It's like, I don't want to be a girl (sometimes I think it would be easier to live my life as a girl, I will admit) and I would very much like to stop obsessing over whether or not I'm a guy, or a girl, or transgender.

I guess my biggest fear is that I will end up being a transexual (again, no offense. it just isn't for me, I don't think) despite my being comfortable with being a gay male.

Anyway... I am still seeing my therapist, so I'll have to bring this up with her. Distinguishing between the OCD and the actually gender issues is impossible at the moment, and my mind is in debate mode all day, every day.

Well that's all I can help. Personally I don't see being transgendered as all that bad, I actually think you are at the worst part. Finding out just who you are and being comfortable with it is rough. You can get away from everyone on this earth but yourself, work at making peace with yourself first and worry about others later.

LUV

Jean

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Honey....

I really don't know much about OCD....

But I did want to say that It doesn't bother me at all that you would say that you hope that you're not Transsexual....

No one in their right mind would WANT to be ...

Being Transsexual is a tough life...most here know that up close!

Good luck to you, Hon

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Guest LookingForHelp]

I guess, at this point, I'm just trying to decide why it is I want to be a woman. You know, I don't believe I'm a "woman trapped in a man's body". In fact, if I were to become a woman, I think I would actually be a "gay man in a woman's body". It's like, I like myself as I am (my biggest issue at this point seems to be that I want to wear girl's clothes, or atleast have more options in boy's clothes) but the idea of transforming myself into a beautiful, sexually-attractive woman isn't an unpleasant one.

I feel as if I don't NEED to be a woman. It's that I would enjoy the fantasy of being a lusted-after woman.

When I think about my future and where I want to be, I don't see myself as a woman. I have no interest in growing old and aging as a woman. I just want to be, for lack of a better a term, a sex-bomb, a seductress or sorts.

I seem to be infatuated with the social benefits of being a beautiful woman, rather than actually wanting to be one. Hmm. Who knows how I would feel if people lusted after me as a man.

Does that make sense?

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Interesting.....

There are other things that enter in here...

For instance....read this thread and see if any of it fits....

http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=408

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Guest Sharah]

Gender is NOT binary, even though society wants it to be. There are many many variations of the spectrum of gender. That is why we visit gender therapists, to help us to figure who we are.

Nothing you have said sends me cringing to the corner to hide from you, although it is clear in what you have said that you are not clear on your own feelings yet. I think a gender therapist could do you a whole world of good in helping you to answer some of your questions and to assist you in becomming more sure of your own identity.

[Guest LookingForHelp]

.

Interesting.....

There are other things that enter in here...

For instance....read this thread and see if any of it fits....

http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=408

Huggs

Donna Jean

Hmm. That's interesting.

The thing is, I don't WANT to become a woman. Not really, I don't think. I am, generally, happy with who I am, and I would very much like to continue living my life the way I am.

Up until two weeks ago, I had little to no problem with being a man. It's only now that I am thinking about it that I am questioning myself. For me, it was like a mosquito bite -- it didn't itch until I noticed it was there.

I have never had an intense desire to be a woman, and it's only now that I'm obsessing over it that I'm afraid that I'm going to start cross-dressing and wanting surgeries and whatnot.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Hmm. That's interesting.

The thing is, I don't WANT to become a woman. Not really, I don't think. I am, generally, happy with who I am, and I would very much like to continue living my life the way I am.

Up until two weeks ago, I had little to no problem with being a man. It's only now that I am thinking about it that I am questioning myself. For me, it was like a mosquito bite -- it didn't itch until I noticed it was there.

I have never had an intense desire to be a woman, and it's only now that I'm obsessing over it that I'm afraid that I'm going to start cross-dressing and wanting surgeries and whatnot.

Dearheart Corssdressing is not the end of the world Take it form me, crossdressing is wonderful

Obviously your are awakening and are conflicted. Now let's examine what itch you are really referring to... OK?

You seem to indicate that although you have never considered your gender, you are now starting to question it, but at the same time, you are fighting it and in denial.

Dear

It is all OK...OK? Now just relax sweetheart and know that being transgendered is completely natural.

There is nothing wrong with you.

All my Love

Brenda

[Guest Aiden125]

Hi hon,

I am very familiar with OCD. OCD is not linked to pedophilia nor is it linked to transsexualism. OCD is not related to sexuality or gender identity. OCD is a disorder based in fear. If you are diagnosed with OCD, then this is your paramount issue to overcome.

I am glad to hear that you are seeing a therapist and I do hope that this therapist will help you heal.

Gender Dysphoria is a very real and serious condition that demands addressing. Ignoring gender dysphoria is not the answer (I know... I tried... I failed).

Welcome to Laura's hon

Brenda

OCD is not linked to pedophilia but it could be linked to the fear of being a pedophile. Just like OCD can be linked to the fear of being gay, Called homosexual OCD. OCD also has sometimes unwanted sexual images in your head, and that could be of anything from old men to children so it could be linked to that. It does not make you a pedophile or want to have sex with old men its an unwanted image.

I think that you should bring this up to your therapist about your OCD and see if this is a fear of being transgender or if you actually have gender dysphoria.