Relapses

[Guest Jolene4ever]

Are relapses normal? This last one started so innocently. I was stripping a cabinet door when I had to change sandpaper, I dropped the screw that holds the paper to the disk thru a crack in the deck, it was about 90 and then the dog did something, adog I really love so I yelled at her, I told her i was sorry. I sat in the kitchen with my jug of water and little whispers, the ones we all are familiar with, floated in my head.Well, to make a long story short, this relapse lasted 4 days. When it was over I just asked myself why,why,why and how,how,how. Maybe it's a learning experience. Maybe we have to understand the whispers that haunt our minds. Deep down it may have been my true desire to find an excuse to drink again. I believe now that that was it, an excuse. The car didn't start, the washer broke, I stubbed my toe; you get the idea. There must be a thousand such reasons to drink or use, I know cause I've used about 500. .

I know that the struggle will continue. Maybe I have to find peace within myself to understand the reasons for my addiction and to work on those reasons, like a checklist, when one is gone go on to the next. God knows that I don't want to ruin this wonderful new puberty. I'll be wiser the next time and more attuned to the whispers. Jolene

[Guest bobbi/robin_p]

Birds fly...Fish swim....ALCOHOLIC DRINKS... when times are good or bad... we get restless, irritable and discontent and then we say F_IT and drink..

Something has to overcome the spirit in the bottle or else we just keep repeating the same old story. emerging remorseful from our last spree screaming why? baffle and confused that we pick up again.

So if your an real alcoholic you can't stop on your own even if you have sufficient reason too. I drink...

I would suggest that you get to a meeting and have some one read the Big Book to you...

I can't We can

For me i was introduce to AA in 1994. I went back to control drinking until the end of my old life Oct 2003. something happen to me out on that freeway while i was waiting. The first year i learned to be sober. The second year i Learned how to get along with you. The third year i look at my inner self and came into self acceptance of being a trans girl. coming on my fourth year of sobriety I dare to dream. This is what i got something to replace the spirit in the bottle.

[Guest Huff]

I keep having slips, too... about once a month or so. I couldn't get sober at all until I was willing to start accepting that I'm transgendered or androgynous or something. I've been starting to hang around gay women and I find that I can identify a lot with them... but not totally. I feel really different from everyone around me (transgendered alcoholic bulimic with OCD tendencies) and I get frustrated with that and not finding a place where I fit and not figuring out who the heck I am anyway and what I'm supposed to do with myself and with my life and on and on... and then I go drink and get sick and remember that 'oh yeah, alcohol doesn't work in my body' and start all over again. I'm really lucky to have a sponsor who is patient and has loved me through all of this. She's surprisingly cool with talking with me about my gender and sexual identity confusion, and I still have a hard time sharing all that craziness in my head BEFORE I go drink. I'm sad, angry, lonely, and afraid... none of which are emotions I particularly like or feel like I should have. AND, I do have them and they're not worth dying over.

Huff

[Guest bobbi/robin_p]

I keep having slips, too... about once a month or so.

I couldn't get sober at all until I was willing to start accepting that I'm transgendered or androgynous or something.

....... and I get frustrated with that and not finding a place where I fit and not figuring out who the heck I am anyway and what I'm supposed to do with myself and with my life and on and on.

.. . I'm really lucky to have a sponsor who is patient and has loved me through all of this. .

... and I still have a hard time sharing all that craziness in my head BEFORE I go drink.

I'm sad, angry, lonely, and afraid... none of which are emotions I particularly like or feel like I should have. AND, I do have them and they're not worth dying over.

Huff

that was how i felt back in 1994.. My sponsor talk to me for 8 years while i battle my demons alone. It was the loneliness in 2003 that finally made me follow the suggestions of my sponsor. I did that and now three years later my life is good. granted i did have a hard time listening to him but in the end WE did and that loneliness went away. We found a solution for my many problems.

I'm glad that your sharing that is a Huge step and a beginning!!!!!!

[Guest SharleahLynn]

Birds fly...Fish swim....ALCOHOLIC DRINKS... when times are good or bad... we get restless, irritable and discontent and then we say F_IT and drink..

Something has to overcome the spirit in the bottle or else we just keep repeating the same old story. emerging remorseful from our last spree screaming why? baffle and confused that we pick up again.

So if your an real alcoholic you can't stop on your own even if you have sufficient reason too. I drink...

I would suggest that you get to a meeting and have some one read the Big Book to you...

I can't We can

For me i was introduce to AA in 1994. I went back to control drinking until the end of my old life Oct 2003. something happen to me out on that freeway while i was waiting. The first year i learned to be sober. The second year i Learned how to get along with you. The third year i look at my inner self and came into self acceptance of being a trans girl. coming on my fourth year of sobriety I dare to dream. This is what i got something to replace the spirit in the bottle.

The I can't , we can theory is a valid form of being backup for the ones who do not have a solid load of willpower. Support is a key issue, where in the world would we be without that giant? Way to go Bobbi/Robin , hi 5s to ya girl. You and Patty are a valued asset to the site. Ya'll rock on and keep up the super job. SharleahLynn

[Guest SharleahLynn]

I relapsed today. I had 6 months down pat. And I don't know why I did it. Stress maybe? I thought I had kicked heroin, but I guess I didn't. How many times will it take? 6 months is the longest I had. I'm back at 0 again and I'm wondering... why? Is it worth it? The trying? The failing? I feel like garbage. And I was doing so good...

My sister uses now, because I exposed her to it, and somehow, watching me get sick and vomit on myself was something that made her want to try heroin. Watching me overdose time and time again. Watching my friends find me in my apartment with the needle still in my arm, doubled over in my own feces and vomit after having had a heart attach from coke and heroin... that was something that made her want to use.

It's my fault, and I guess that it didn't make it easy for me to keep wanting to try to stay clean, when she was using. She'd stopped encouraging me. I lost my sounding board. Maybe it was too much pressure on her. It was certainly alot of pressure on me.

I feel like I failed myself and everyone around me.

I'm so sorry!

-August

Hold up on the pity thing bro, there is nobody immune to a backslide, we are all only human. You get into the NA/AA meetings and force yourself to have the same willpower that you instill into your music and you can/will whup this. and you know you can always call me to help you get past the urge to be stupid. Thats right , I'm preachin at you . If I did not care about you and everyone else, I would tell you to have at it , but it is the opposite , I DO CARE ! I can be your shoulder to lean on , all you gotta do is call me and I'll be there . You can carry that to the bank. Love ya Bro . SharleahLynn

[Guest Jolene4ever]

Thanks to you all. By listening to everyone and seeing myself in you I know I am not alone and I'll get to my first meeting on Wed. Somehow I'll get the courage up to walk in that door. How they will accept my trans genderism is not my concern now, it's staying sober. I can see now that everything bad that has happened to me in my life has been the result of booze. I know I can't do it on my own because I've tried and failed (thousands of times). I am ready to turn my life over to God and let the chips fall where they may. It can't get any worse that's for sure. MY last appearence in court cost me $500.00. That's close to 2 laser treatments. I'll let you know on Wed or Thurs.