I Do Not Even Understand Myself

[Guest symempathy]

Even though I classify myself as androgyne, I feel like I only want an easy way to define myself. It's bad enough that other people may not understand me. It's even worse that I cannot even understand myself.

I have always known that my personality is a mix trait of both masculinity and femininity. My feminine side is often stronger and dominant. Whenever I try to act manly, I feel strange and ridiculous. Masculine side is there; it simply doesn't overcome my feminine side. Because of it, I don't wear makeup, nor am I flamboyant, but I am definitely more feminine.

Also I don't consciously shift my personality. I don't know the ratio of masculinity to femininity in me, but it seems static.

Since the age of 6 or 7, I have known that I am only interested in men. However, I can never call myself gay. It's not that I'm ashamed of myself, but it's because of my feminine-masculine mixed trait. In fact, I never feel like a man at all, but my strong femininity doesn't make me feel like a full female, either. At least I'm not there yet. That's why I call myself androgyne.

Nevertheless, from my understanding, most androgyne people are happy with their anatomical sex and have no desire to change it. The problem is I do.

In my sleep lately, I often have dreams or rather fantasies about making love with a man in my chemistry class whom I am quite close to. I still maintain my male image in my dream, but I see myself having a vagina. I feel like my intimacy with the man is complete with its presence.

Instead of feeling grossed about it, I feel normal. In fact, it's the thing that makes sense to me: a biological male who has ambiguous male/female concept wants a vagina. The strange thing is I am never disgusted of my penis. I don't care it's there or not. However, I feel like the presence of it makes me have to stir up the masculine/feminine ratio in me. I feel like I have to honor it by boosting up my masculine side more. I don't really know.

I searched around on Internet, but I found no case that matched mine. Now I'm afraid I am an outcast even in this community. I know that you guys are great loving people who won't reject me, but it's still scary to be alone in this issue.

I just don't understand why I can't be "normal" like MTF people here. For now I don't have a desire to have hormone therapy or voice training to be female. I don't feel the need to go all the way. In fact, I don't even know what makes someone a woman. I only want their anatomical genital. It's not the end of the world if I can't have a vagina, but it will be nice if I can have it. Am I disgusting?

I can't see a gender therapist at present. Money is one reason, but primarily I don't want to freak out my parents. My culture is very rigid. My parents feel shocked enough when some states allow same-sex marriage. They are like wanting to throw up when seeing two men kiss. Now if they know about my condition, they may have heart attack. I wasn't born American, so I can't do whatever I want without worrying about selfishness. My friend was right when she said that I had too much conscience. I really don't care what other relatives think, but I don't want to hurt my parents who are bothered enough with the fact that their son is feminine and not a handy man.

Right now I only need to know if my feelings are normal, or I am mentally sick.

Minh

[Guest Sharah]

Minh,

Confusion. Boy is that part of this territory. Vascillating feelings, going back and forth in your head. Wishing it would all just settle down and be completely one thing or the other. I can sure identify with that. Even though I am very sure of my gender identity the doubts just will not go away.

I don't think you are mentally ill at all, but then I am not a professional therapist. I am just another often confused person. I am sure some of the other androgynes will jump in here and share their feelings and thoughts with you. Hang in there, there is a future and it doesn't have to be as confusing as things are now.

[Guest Opal]

Hi Minh,

Please try not to stress too much over this. We have commonality here, yet each individual has a unique sense of 'self'.

At some point a Gender Therapist would really help you along in your discovery and journey. Perhaps others will have suggestions as to how to afford one and not alert your parents.

Huggs,

Opal

[Guest symempathy]

Hi Minh,

Please try not to stress too much over this. We have commonality here, yet each individual has a unique sense of 'self'.

At some point a Gender Therapist would really help you along in your discovery and journey. Perhaps others will have suggestions as to how to afford one and not alert your parents.

Huggs,

Opal

Hello Opal,

I really appreciate your words. At least I know that I'm not a freak. I want to ask you some more questions. First can I know which sex or gender you are attracted to if you don't mind sharing with me? Thank you

Minh

[Guest symempathy]

Minh,

Confusion. Boy is that part of this territory. Vascillating feelings, going back and forth in your head. Wishing it would all just settle down and be completely one thing or the other. I can sure identify with that. Even though I am very sure of my gender identity the doubts just will not go away.

I don't think you are mentally ill at all, but then I am not a professional therapist. I am just another often confused person. I am sure some of the other androgynes will jump in here and share their feelings and thoughts with you. Hang in there, there is a future and it doesn't have to be as confusing as things are now.

Hello Sharah,

Thank you for your encouragement.

Although you have doubts, you still want to go all the way to become a full-time female, don't you?

My doubts may not the same as yours, but like you say, they don't go away. I used to think about becoming a female. I thought it wouldn't be a problem because I don't have a clear distinction between men and women anyway. However, when I thought about all the adjustment I needed to work on, especially socialization with other women, I gave up that idea. Besides I don't have intense dysphoria like other MTFs. I don't hate my body although when I was a kid, I used to think about how to get rid of my penis because I thought it was nuisance. When I grew up and started to discover my sexual identity along with my gender identity, I feel like my genital organ is indeed a nuisance. I don't hate it, but I don't like it either. I have to man up simply because of its presence.

Minh

[Guest Opal]

Hi Minh,

I am 52, so please keep that in mind. I am attracted to different people for different reasons. Hormone therapy can sometimes affect the gender that one is attracted to. It may not seem like it, but who one is attracted to is a separate issue to one's sense of self-identity.

Frequently, if one starts to transition, their partner has a lot of issues and turmoil about the transition, and usually break up. Not in all cases, though.

Huggs,

Opal

[Guest Emily Ray]

Symempathy,

Confusion is part of the territory I suppose. I am one who's atraction did change after about 8 months of taking estrogen. I still have a lot of masculine interests, but all my girlfriends see me as a girly girl and I love it. The biggest part of realizing you different is your freed to become whoever and whatever you want to be and no one can't tell you otherwise. Enjoy the process of self discovery you will only be able to do it once and it can be fun at times.

Huggs,

Emily

[Guest ChloëC]

symempathy,

I'm one of those sort of odd ones. As a male, I'm very heterosexual. I've had chances at male relations at one time or another and have found myself totally disinterested, not repulsed in the least, just not interested. Yet, when I allow my female side to come out, my thoughts are again heterosexual and I can easily see myself with a male with little to no problem. Something I'm not sure I completely understand, but I know it's there.

And like you a little, I don't hate my male parts, they are there and they function when I need them, but I'm certainly not attached to them either.

Hugs

Chloë

[Guest symempathy]

symempathy,

I'm one of those sort of odd ones. As a male, I'm very heterosexual. I've had chances at male relations at one time or another and have found myself totally disinterested, not repulsed in the least, just not interested. Yet, when I allow my female side to come out, my thoughts are again heterosexual and I can easily see myself with a male with little to no problem. Something I'm not sure I completely understand, but I know it's there.

And like you a little, I don't hate my male parts, they are there and they function when I need them, but I'm certainly not attached to them either.

Hugs

Chloë

Helllo Chloë. Thank you for your answer

Can you please evaluate your statements? You said that you can easily see yourself with a male with little to no problem, but are your attracted to them? And what role do you perceive in your relationship with them? Are you saying that allowing female in you to shine lets you want to be with a male?

I can relate a bit to men, but they have to have some feminine (not effeminate) quality. In other words, I feel better talking to either women or emotional/sensitive men. I like men, and I'm much more feminine than masculine, but I don't get along with archetype masculine men. It's weird, isn't it?

To be honest, I am somewhat attracted to certain girls, but my masculine side is not strong enough to make me want them. Obviously I have no control over my feelings.

I have to go to bed now. Thank you again for sharing your thoughts.

Minh

[Guest ChloëC]

Hi Minh,

Well, ok, like I said, I'm not sure I totally understand it, but I can imagine myself when I am dressed and idly daydreaming what it would be like, to be with male companionship, in close and somewhat romantically involved moments. Like cuddling up, or just being held, being physically if not emotionally close, maybe affectionate kisses. And just being with a male. Like quiet conversations, traveling together, waking up in the same bed. That kind of thing.

I certainly don't imagine disagreements, fights, pouting, yelling, (or god forbid, any kind of abuse - physical or emotional!!!), but I doubt anyone does as they enter relationships.

I think it helps that as a male, I don't have a problem with gay (or lesbian) relationships, and that my male feelings are of disinterest not disgust like way too many people around me.

And, I certainly don't see myself as a she-male, for example, flouting my maleness under the guise of female clothing. Others may feel comfortable doing that, but it's not me.

Hope this helps explain a little clearer.

Hugs

Chloë

[Guest symempathy]

Hi Minh,

Well, ok, like I said, I'm not sure I totally understand it, but I can imagine myself when I am dressed and idly daydreaming what it would be like, to be with male companionship, in close and somewhat romantically involved moments. Like cuddling up, or just being held, being physically if not emotionally close, maybe affectionate kisses. And just being with a male. Like quiet conversations, traveling together, waking up in the same bed. That kind of thing.

I certainly don't imagine disagreements, fights, pouting, yelling, (or god forbid, any kind of abuse - physical or emotional!!!), but I doubt anyone does as they enter relationships.

I think it helps that as a male, I don't have a problem with gay (or lesbian) relationships, and that my male feelings are of disinterest not disgust like way too many people around me.

And, I certainly don't see myself as a she-male, for example, flouting my maleness under the guise of female clothing. Others may feel comfortable doing that, but it's not me.

Hope this helps explain a little clearer.

Hugs

Chloë

I see what you mean. Thank you, Chloë

I don't even understand myself, much less people who are she-male. She-males are people who have hormone therapy but decide to keep their penis, aren't they?

In terms of weirdness, they may not any weirder than I am. The only difference is that I want a vagina for personal reason, and I don't intend to go around to let other people see.

No matter how Nature has flaws, I accept the fact that my chromosome is XY, and I am a biological male. I can never change that. Therefore, although my androgynous state is more of feminine dominant, I don't want to mess up my internal system. Genital region is simply an organ which can be changed, so losing my testicles and penis is not a big deal.

It's ironic that people who are transsexual or intersex want to have a normal body like any cisgender people. I, in contrast, want to destroy what I was born with.

Please don't feel shocked or disgusted when I tell you this. I have been living with my parents since I was born, so neither they nor I feel awkward when I am naked. Off course I don't run around our apartment wearing nothing. It's only that sometimes they saw me without clothes in the bath room. A few day ago, my mom saw my genital, and she commented that it was small.

I used to tell her that I want to have a relationship with an American or Hispanic. I didn't state the gender, but my parents assume that I want to settle down with a girl. My mom said that my small penis may be an issue if I want to satisfy my wife. Instead of getting upset, I chuckled. At that moment, I knew that losing my penis won't embarrass me. After all, I never feel like a man whom my parents expect me to be.

Sorry for being too graphic. Thank you for your listening, Chloë

Minh

[Guest Emily Ray]

Minh,

Thank you for being so honest. That type of self perception will take you far. This is all rather new to myself, but I have beenclear about where I want to go from the start. I call myself a special kind of woman that can't be born a girl. It places no judgement on it. It just is and I am OK with it. In fact I am ecstatic about it. With my new perspective my whole life makes sense to me.

Huggs,

Emily

[Guest symempathy]

Minh,

Thank you for being so honest. That type of self perception will take you far. This is all rather new to myself, but I have beenclear about where I want to go from the start. I call myself a special kind of woman that can't be born a girl. It places no judgement on it. It just is and I am OK with it. In fact I am ecstatic about it. With my new perspective my whole life makes sense to me.

Huggs,

Emily

Thank you, Emily, for your kind words

I'm happy when you think that I'm honest. I'm trying to be honest with my present feelings. I don't whether they change in the future, but I highly doubt they will. I realize that I have always been like what I described in this topic since I was around 6,7 years old. I just didn't find the appropriate definition. I thought I was gay. Then I learned about transsexuality, and I thought I was one. Eventually I know that I'm not, or at least not yet. I was only seeking an easy way out: being a man or woman. Nevertheless, I realize that it's not an option because I don't even know what makes someone a man or woman; I don't know how to be one if I was given a choice.

Minh