Becoming More And More Confused

[Guest Keiichi-kun]

Sorry for making another topic but I figured this fit in this section. Anyways ever since I saw my psychiatrist (topic here http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/in...showtopic=2535) I have been doubting my trans status more and more each day. Right now I feel kinda bi-gender confused. I'm gonna explain how I feel each way

I've always wanted to be a boy although the feeling didn't get strong until about a year ago. Recently people using my real name and female pronouns makes me really mad. I hate my female parts and want them to go away. I'm tired of being treated as a female and getting told just how cute I am. I like the way I look in suits and hate to see myself in a dress. I've always preffered boy's clothes and when I was younger made friends with boys. The idea of getting pregnant disgusts me but the idea of being a father sounds nice. Now I know I'm not manly at all but I feel that doesn't matter so much as long as I know who I am.

On the other hand I sometimes think maybe I am female. The idea of me being a lesbian doesn't bother me too much and I do sometimes like to think of myself in a lesbian relationship when I'm in one. I do look at cute dresses and stuff and think how much fun it would be to dress up in that and look so cute. I also make friends with girls easier and get along with them better although most girls I don't. I do know that if I am female I will still be boyish. I like keeping my hair short, wearing boy's clothes, and being more boyish.

So as you can see ever since that appointment I have been quite confused. In a way I would like to be a girl because it would make my life easier but I also want to be a boy just because.

[MaryEllen]

This diagnosis by your psychiatrist really seems to have thrown you for a loop. Instead of helping you, it's only added to your confusion. This should tell you something about your psychiatrists ability to diagnose your condition. If he had truly helped you, you would be feeling relief. That you had finally found out what your condition was about but this didn't happen. You are now more confused than ever. If it were me, I'd stop seeing this person. I'd go with whatever I was feeling at the moment. If I felt male, I'd go with being a male. If I had feminine feelings, I'd go with being a girl. What ever I was feeling like at that particular moment in time. There's nothing wrong with switching between genders. Each and every one of us is unique in our own way. No one actually fits into one catagory. Just be yourself, hon. In time, you most likely will discover your true gender. Just go with the flow and don't stress out over this. Perhaps seeing a different therapist would be in order. Just a thought on my part.

MaryEllen

[Guest Madison_Always]

dont worry life is to short (hypocritacle i know but it sounds good in my head=)) just be u. thats all u r capable of being. give this time im sure you will figure out what must be done. *hugs*

=)

[Guest raydub]

have you ever read Leslie Feinburg's Stone Butch Blues?

maybe you should pick it up...?

Ray

[Guest Keiichi-kun]

Well I saw my phsychologist again today and I will be seeing him every week for psychotherapy. The psychotherapy is mostly for my depression, self-esteem issues, anxiety issues, no childhood memories and why a seemingly normal "girl" would have them. Of course also he wants to find the cause of my wanting to be a boy when he believes me to be a girl. He's told me there really are born with the wrong body but he feels I wasn't. I told him today my feelings on the subject.

I am comfortable around my girl-friends and I do act girly with them. I also have a girlfriend now and it doesn't bother me to be viewed as a lesbian couple. I feel that maybe I am a girl on the inside. However whenever I look at a man I get insanely jealous. I want their body not mine. It's hard to explain why but I just get jealous. I kinda feel like "a girl stuck in a girl's body" if that makes any sense whatsoever. I guess I'm gonna keep going to see him and hope that I can figure this all out soon.

Also thanks for the recommendation raydub. I'll look it up

[Guest raydub]

Let me know how the reading goes.

youll probably see where my thoughts are after youve read the book.

its a good read. there ARE some sad parts.. i think i cried once

but its good...and maybe you can relate to the main character.

Ray

[Guest Link48010]

If she was still alive I'd have my friend Jessica talk to you. If your confused both ways after therapy, I suggest getting a new therapist.