Losing Touch With Reality

[Guest tsubasa]

Hi All,

I'm starting to have a problem with alcohol and getting high, and I know it's because I can stand living as a boy even 9-5 anymore and I can't see myself as a woman any more either.

It seemed like things were starting to go well for me and I was getting things under control until I decided to go to the beach back in August with some friends. I had a good time and even managed to pass for a woman in a swimming suit somehow! Then we decided to go get ice cream after watch the sunset, but we picked the wrong place. We were the only ones there and when one of my friends decided to change the channel on the TV, the owner started yelling (yes, shouting) at all of us. I asked for my money back, then he calls the cops without even giving us our order! Fortunately the cops made him refund us.

I kind of fell apart after that. I never would have imagined that being a Dairy Queen customer would have resulted in my name on a police report. And of course I had to give my (legal) guy name. I was so embarrassed.

I've been drinking and getting high since then because sometimes if I get messed up enough I start daydreaming about being a real woman. I'm sure it was my voice that motived that guy to call the cops. Who wants a f*g as a customer?

I know these hallucinations aren't real, but it's so tempting, just to live in a little world in my head for a few hours where the idea of me being a boy is just a ridiculous concept that wouldn't enter anyone's head, some place where I don't have to deal with this gender crap because my body matches who I am.

I can't go full time because I need to work… I've heard that it's possible to transition on the job, but I work for a small company in a really niche position. Not to mention the fact that I work around a lot of really nasty women who I'm sure would find ways to start drama left and right about it. If I were fired, I'm not sure I could get another job, at least making enough money to pay for rent and my car. A trans friend who went full time a few years ago has pretty much given me the impression that employment is a pipe dream for someone full time around here (Michigan).

I'm not sure what to do. It's too tempting to keep putting this poison into my body so I can daydream (or hallucinate) about a happier life where I was born the right gender, or at least was able to avoid male puberty. I know it doesn't solve anything and it's a waste of money, but I think I'm addicted. I can't deal with the reality of my situation that I have to work as a guy and that I'll probably never be able to afford any kind of surgery or that I could never be accepted as a woman professionally. It's also too depressing watching any girl I know who's without a boyfriend able to get a guy in 2 weeks, but I don't know how I could ever date a guy because of this stupid guy's body.

I need help, but I don't know how anyone could help. I just can't live as a guy anymore, but I can't be a woman either. I know nothing about fashion or hair or anything. It really seems like it /is/ a choice to be trans since there's so much you have to know and so much money goes into it, but then how do I start liking being a guy?

I keep wondering if suicide is my only option since drugs are no way to go and I just don't have the resources or looks to transition. The last female friend I had was in 5th grade (almost 20 years ago), but, well, no girl wants to be friends with the gay guy. I've been pretty socially dead since then, and it's like I've forgotten how to meet new people or make friends. I'm sure I sound really pathetic.

I know I'm a woman on the inside, and drugs and alcohol seem to validate that for me, but no one else believes me. I had a gender therapist years ago who didn't believe me since I was unwilling to wear a miniskirt to a fast-food job I had at the time. Real girls don't wear miniskirts with ugly green uniforms! Why should I? I don't know what they honestly expect out of me. I have to have a job and pay rent. I'm not independently wealthy, but maybe you just need to be if you want to do gender transition.

It seems like the drugs are the only place I can go to be accepted, even if I'm just hallucinating about fake people accepting me, hallucinating about a fake body I'll never have.

I don't know what to do.

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Well, Honey....I think that the very first thing that you need to do is get a gender therapist...You can't go any further, one way or another without some help, that's obvious...

I have no idea why a therapist would try to make you wear a miniskirt...something was totally wrong there..You don't have to dress like that to prove anything...you can be a female in jeans and t-shirt!

You say that you can't pass as a female...yet, you said that you were passing in a bathing suit when that stuff happened...

So, you CAN do it....

Honey...the drugs and alcohol may make you dream of being a woman, but, in the harsh morning light, you're still right where you are now...

Look, I'm transitioning on a shoestring....I got my therapy and paid for it...look around...you should be able to find good rates..

I have a gender doc that prescribes for me and I only spend about $70 every three months for HRT...

Honey...I pass and I live full time now ...I'm 60 years old...

So?....Well, you CAN do it, too!

I don't want you thinking that suicide is a way out...it's the end...if you do that you'll never have the opportunity to transition...

Honey, I believe that you can do this....you need to believe in yourself...

Please don't lose yourself in an induced haze...I did that for too long and lost a lot of good years...don't let that happen to you.....ok?

I've around to PM if you need to....

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Guest Felicia Anne]

remember three things...

in life, you have endless opportunities to meet some amazing people who you could never have imagined ever existing before.

you are amazing, beautiful, and wonderful, and i refuse to let some idiot store manager tell me otherwise.

and most importantly, tsubasa, dairy queen sucks!

[Michelle 2010]

Hi All,

I'm starting to have a problem with alcohol and getting high, and I know it's because I can stand living as a boy even 9-5 anymore and I can't see myself as a woman any more either.

It seemed like things were starting to go well for me and I was getting things under control until I decided to go to the beach back in August with some friends. I had a good time and even managed to pass for a woman in a swimming suit somehow! Then we decided to go get ice cream after watch the sunset, but we picked the wrong place. We were the only ones there and when one of my friends decided to change the channel on the TV, the owner started yelling (yes, shouting) at all of us. I asked for my money back, then he calls the cops without even giving us our order! Fortunately the cops made him refund us.

I kind of fell apart after that. I never would have imagined that being a Dairy Queen customer would have resulted in my name on a police report. And of course I had to give my (legal) guy name. I was so embarrassed.

I've been drinking and getting high since then because sometimes if I get messed up enough I start daydreaming about being a real woman. I'm sure it was my voice that motived that guy to call the cops. Who wants a f*g as a customer?

I know these hallucinations aren't real, but it's so tempting, just to live in a little world in my head for a few hours where the idea of me being a boy is just a ridiculous concept that wouldn't enter anyone's head, some place where I don't have to deal with this gender crap because my body matches who I am.

I can't go full time because I need to work… I've heard that it's possible to transition on the job, but I work for a small company in a really niche position. Not to mention the fact that I work around a lot of really nasty women who I'm sure would find ways to start drama left and right about it. If I were fired, I'm not sure I could get another job, at least making enough money to pay for rent and my car. A trans friend who went full time a few years ago has pretty much given me the impression that employment is a pipe dream for someone full time around here (Michigan).

I'm not sure what to do. It's too tempting to keep putting this poison into my body so I can daydream (or hallucinate) about a happier life where I was born the right gender, or at least was able to avoid male puberty. I know it doesn't solve anything and it's a waste of money, but I think I'm addicted. I can't deal with the reality of my situation that I have to work as a guy and that I'll probably never be able to afford any kind of surgery or that I could never be accepted as a woman professionally. It's also too depressing watching any girl I know who's without a boyfriend able to get a guy in 2 weeks, but I don't know how I could ever date a guy because of this stupid guy's body.

I need help, but I don't know how anyone could help. I just can't live as a guy anymore, but I can't be a woman either. I know nothing about fashion or hair or anything. It really seems like it /is/ a choice to be trans since there's so much you have to know and so much money goes into it, but then how do I start liking being a guy?

I keep wondering if suicide is my only option since drugs are no way to go and I just don't have the resources or looks to transition. The last female friend I had was in 5th grade (almost 20 years ago), but, well, no girl wants to be friends with the gay guy. I've been pretty socially dead since then, and it's like I've forgotten how to meet new people or make friends. I'm sure I sound really pathetic.

I know I'm a woman on the inside, and drugs and alcohol seem to validate that for me, but no one else believes me. I had a gender therapist years ago who didn't believe me since I was unwilling to wear a miniskirt to a fast-food job I had at the time. Real girls don't wear miniskirts with ugly green uniforms! Why should I? I don't know what they honestly expect out of me. I have to have a job and pay rent. I'm not independently wealthy, but maybe you just need to be if you want to do gender transition.

It seems like the drugs are the only place I can go to be accepted, even if I'm just hallucinating about fake people accepting me, hallucinating about a fake body I'll never have.

I don't know what to do.

Honey, coming to the Playground recently was one of the healthier things i've done in a long time. Being Trans is hard and there are many wonderful people here who seem to have made it their life mission to help. My experience was to drink and try to ignore. An undercurrent of pain existed even in the best of times, knowing I wasn't who I pretended to be. Attending a support group in person has helped tremendously. where the journey will lead, I don't know but for the first time in my life, thats ok. One thing I am sure of is that doing it by myself was impossible, whether it was getting sober, accepting myself or learning its ok to b honest.

I hope people will share their experience stregnth and hope they've receive from attending support groups in person in the new thread on the topic. The people I've met are an inspiration, dealing with stuff I was afraid to let see the light of day. They are healthier for it.

We're here for you

Michelle

[Carolyn Marie]

It won't help you deal with your frustrations and pain if you try thinking too far ahead. When you do that, it seems to daunting to even attempt transition.

Take things one step at a time, hon. Tackle one issue, one roadblock, one obstacle at a time. Then it will seem doable, then you can check things off as you make progress. Progress doesn't have to come in huge chunks. It can come in small bits, and its still progress.

What happened in that shoppe was ridiculous, and how you ended up named in a report when you didn't commit a crime I can't figure out. But its just one stupid incident involving one stupid man. It doesn't make you any less a woman. Forget about it, hon. Put it out of your mind. You know who you are.

Hang in there, girl. You can do this.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest ~Brenda~]

OK... now just relax hon... OK?

I can see that a lot is going on with you now, but I want you to relax and listen to reason.

First, what you are feeling is real and is not a fantasy. Gender therapists are very real and are there to help you.

I had a gender therapist years ago who didn't believe me since I was unwilling to wear a miniskirt to a fast-food job I had at the time.

Real girls don't wear miniskirts with ugly green uniforms! Why should I? I don't know what they honestly expect out of me.

That is not what a gender therapist does. Gender therapists are not ever judgmental. If you have a gender therapist that exhibits such behavior then do not continue to see them. Clearly, they have another agenda, and are not professional. They are not gender therapists.

It seems like the drugs are the only place I can go to be accepted, even if I'm just hallucinating about fake people accepting me, hallucinating about a fake body I'll never have.

See someone who knows what they are doing. Being transgendered is very serious and should never be taken lightly. Drugs are never the answer in any context of life. Especially when dealing with transgendered issues. In order to deal with your GID, you MUST get clean. I would expect that your therapist would tell you that. It is absolutely impossible to reconcile gender dysphoria when under the influence.

Brenda

[Guest Patsy]

Please do take Donna Jean's comments on board sweetie, because the only thing drugs and alcohol

will validate for you, is an early expiration date, no matter how tempting it may seem as a quick fix.

Carolyn has also made an important point on dealing with one issue at a time, because it really is better

to light one candle, rather than curse the darkness.

Luv & Hugs,

Patsy

[Guest Annaemo]

Hi Tsubasa , try read this website http://www.firelily.com/gender/gianna/sections/self.html . I found it on another topic here and its really encouraging to read some of the articles. It also great your thinking about your life and your on this forum talking to us . If you never questioned your life you don't have a chance to correct it! I also feel your doing so well, it sounded like you were having such a nice time until you hit a bit of trouble at the beach. Don't let the bad points get you down.

Its like when me and my friend went to a club. We were having a great time until some guys were after a fight with us. My friend got hit a number of times and I was a bit shaken up. But I thought why should a couple of losers ruin our whole night? Do you think the guy in the cafe is enjoying his life any more than you are? I expect he was having a bad day and wanted to take it out on some one to make him self feel a bit better, don't think it was anything personal towards you and your friends. And screw your work mates if they don't like you either, at the end of the day its your life and its there problem if they don't like you . I'm sure your great and there are people who will love you for whoever you are . Just try and be positive!

[Guest AlishaToMe]

Hun, i've been in a similar state myself. i smoked pot everyday for over fifteen years as well as experimenting with many other things, getting completely out of it because my high's seemed so much better than reality. the reality is that only when i finally quit the drugs was when i realised what it was i truly wanted in life.

Find another gender therapist and talk about your feelings they are there to help.

Try to stay away from the drugs if you can they will not help you move forward. (not easy i know, i've realapsed a few times but am 5 months sober now and starting to feel in control)

[Guest stranger]

No, most real women don't wear miniskirts...and most real gender therapists don't make judgment calls on petty crap like that.

(Since I also go to a psych support forum, I feel like I should start a thread there..."Signs your therapist might be a quack-post your fave horror stories here...")

Now about the "job in Michigan," bit, you likely have a good point-because it's hard as heck to have a job at ALL in Michigan right now.

OTOH, which major organ are you willing to sacrifice for that job? because ifthe price of keeping said job is alcoholism, your body's gonna pick one...

Given all that...given all that, I think a geographic change is in order. You start sending out resumes, move to another area, and start work as a female. There are only a few states that have state bars against gender discrimination; since I'm stuck in conservative Hades for money reasons, I haven't looked up which ones those are..

The Northwest pacific coastal region strikes me as one that's way more LGBT-friendly, and probably your best bet. Upper New York state's not too bad, but the job market's poor. Anywhere Bible Belt-not good, both because of bigotry, and you will not get paid well at all.

Cost of living in CA and Northeast Mega-metro area is high.

Chicago might be your closest bet...but I think jobs are hard to come by there, too. Depends on what you do, I suspect.