I'm Losing It!

[Guest Krystina]

Hey yall, so here's the thing. I was born female, acted female my whole life. I played with girly toys, wore dresses, make-up dated men the whole works but I started discovering things about myself.

It didn't hit me until I was 11 though. At the age of 8 was when I discovered that I had a little attraction towards females. I had an intimate experience at this age as well. Although, i was very young and I thought it was common to think of the same sex in certain ways so I didn't think too much of it. But at he age 11 was when I found that I really like females. all I ever thought about was being with one, looking at one, I felt like I had the mentality of a man but I still remained feminine, I just thought I was a lesbian. But just last year i found out about transgenders and transexuals. I had no idea this even existed. I'm 19 now and I'm dating a MtF.

But what I truly discovered about myself is that sometimes I feel like i should be a man but I still want to be a girl. I act like and dress like a guy sometimes to see if it's what I really want and I like it. It feels comfortable but I'm still not sure if I can really go through with it.

I've been raised as a girl and treated like one. That's like all I know but I don't necessarily want to be that anymore. But on the other hand I feel like I wont make a good guy anyway. I wouldn't know where to begin. Idk if I'll be passable or anything. Would I be a disgrace if i couldn't be as guyish as men truly are?

Then sometimes i look at myself as bigendered. I want to remain a girl but i want to be a guy too. Can I be both? As a child I always told myself i wanted a woman to look at me as her "man', be her provider, protector, take care of her etc. but I didn't want to be a man fully nor did I want to be a stud.

Growing up though, the guys I used to date were all feminine men and pretty boys. I never had an attraction to manly men and I acted like more of the man in the relationship than they did, I had no problem with that but is it weird? I thought maybe it was a cover up or something, a way to hide the fact that I really like females but I liked men too.

So I guess my biggest problem is I don't know which gender I wan to be. I know I want to be a girl because it's what I'm used to and i'm happy that way but I know that being a man makes me happy as well and I feel really comfortable as being one. But I know I don't want to be both genders nor genderless so how do I discover which way to go?

[Guest Donna Jean]

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But I know I don't want to be both genders nor genderless so how do I discover which way to go?

Honey.....you have the answer within you,..Yes...most likely you know, but, it's deep in there somewhere...

That's why we advocate getting a gender therapist to help you work it all out. They won't tell what you are, but, they'll help guide you to the answer...

Think about that....ok?

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Guest sarah f]

There is a lot of information on this site and we will try to help the best we can but I agree with Dee Jay in that a gender therapist would be the best to help you figure out what you need or want.

If you have any questions just ask and we will try to help.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Simply be yourself, and know that you are OK

Gender identity although seems to be mixed up in sexual orientation, they are not one and the same. To put it simply you can identify as a male and be attracted to females or males. You can identify as female and still be attracted to females or males.

Sexual attraction does not define gender identity. Gender identity is how you see yourself

HUGS

Brenda

[Guest Sascha]

Hi Krystina!

It's up to you to discover it... but know that no one can say what you are. In fact: what you say is what you are! sounds simple eh? but there's a caveat: usually it's not a matter of an instant choice at the drop of a hat, just because it sounds like a good idea or fantasy. Now this is what everyone has to figure out. That takes some time, and this is where therapists are good at: stalling. Giving you time to find out for yourself, so that you can make an informed decision later on. Not so much a decision, but finally come to terms with yourself, in all honesty.

X

Sasha.

[JJ]

Hi Krystina,

You've gotten great advise. Seeing a gender therapist is the most important because they can help you find your way through this confusing maze. Many therapists are not trained or experienced in gender issues and seeing a therapist without gender identity experience can not only be a waste of money but can even make matters worse in some cases.

The other important thing is that you don't have to choose either/or-you can fit anywhere on the spectrum. Whatever you are-wherever you fit-just enjoy being yourself.

John

[Guest Bates]

I was pretty much in denial about my liking women for a while myself and found it really ironic that I have never been with a man but ended up dating someone who wants to be one. I feel for others on this site I really do. I can't imagine what it's like knowing without a doubt that you don't belong in your body...

[Guest SidESlicker]

Wanting to be masculine isn't a surefire way of telling if you want to be a man or not.

Gender expression is so varied, *especially* in the lesbian community. Get in touch with the butch lesbians in your community, as well as the drag kings and get their take on what it means to be a masculine woman, or being gender queer.

Identifying as a woman doesn't mean there's only one way to express your gender, or one way to act. Play with pronouns a bit, and see where that takes you. Remember that being percieved as masculine or as a man at first isn't nessesarily a reason to want to identify as a man, or as a ftm.

And no, it's not a disgrace to not be as guyish. Butch is a noun. There's no reason to want to be a man just so it's more acceptable to be more butch, or more masculine. Identifying as a man doesn't mean you immediately have to embrace the stereotypical way of acting/dressing/presenting as a man in the way western countries do.

Go explore the gender varient parts of the queer community, and get more involved with those who identify with the roles of being the "protector" My thoughts are is that you'll find more in common with people there.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Look into your heart. That's all you need to do.

Labels don't mean much to the gender dysphoric, because they don't seem to apply very well.

Lizzy