My De-Transition.

[Guest Sammi-Lee]

Ok its time to reveal my (poorly) kept secret. The reason I am now posting this is because I noticed on the forums someone asking about detransitioning (It may have been an old thread im not sure) and thought that this post may be useful in answering some peoples fears.

As of January this year 2010, I was forced to stop my transition after 8 years on hrt. There was always a chance of it, but actually having it happen and dealing with it was something that I just didnt expect at the time.

I have had hepatitis C for the last 18 years and during that time, until this year I had experienced liver failure twice. At the beginning of this year it was explained to me by the Dr's that my liver was once again under fire from the virus that was running rampant within my body and I had to stop my hrt. Was there hope of restarting transition in the future.....as yet this was unknown.

The emotional turmoil was incredible, the mood swings were almost crazy and I spent a couple of weeks in a psych ward here in Australia under watch because of it all. I was a mess, how the heck could this have happened, Ive not had serious problems with my liver since 2005 when they incorrectly gave me only 2 years to live, why was this happening now? The question was truly irrelevant..... it didnt matter, it WAS happening and I had to deal with it right there and then.

I didnt WANT to deal with it, hence the psych ward, lets face it 8 years into transition is it POSSIBLE to detransition? Is it possible to be happy and balanced? well Ive found out the answer to that, and the answer is yes. Unfortunately.

I have been off my HRT now for 11 months. I wont lie, its definately NOT been easy, during this time I have had liver failure again, and Ive yet again crawled back to some kind of stability in my test results. Although the process hasnt been easy, its definately been do-able, my emotions have settled, my outlook has changed dramatically, and believe it or not I am coping with life and what it has to throw at me extremely well. I am happy, I am stable, I am coping, I am helping others, I am doing what I have always done. The only difference for me is that atm I am doing it all presenting as a male. I have retained my name Samantha (its quite amusing to see the reaction on peoples face when they are calling Samantha to attend an appointment and this big guy stands up) I have retained the name because for me....no matter what.....there is ALWAYS hope.

I know and truly believe that one day in the future, given all hopes and prayers that I will once again be able to restart my hrt and I will never ever lose that hope, I have held it this entire 11 months and I am certainly not going to lose sight of that no matter how negative things may seem or impossible the odds may be.

Life to me is an amazing thing, it has the power to be anything you want it to be, with belief in your emotions, trust in your choices, confidence in yourself and even just a smidgen of hope, the impossible truly can be accomplished. and hopefully my next paragraph will help to highlight that fact.

3 months after lying in a hospital bed, I am now next month looking at starting treatment for my liver, it will be a long, drawn out process and the side effects of the treatment can be and often are horrendous, Ive basically been told to expect to be bed bound for up to 4 days out of 7 after getting an injection once a week, its toxic, but test results show that being able to tolerate the treatment can give you an 80% chance or better result in clearing the virus from the body....... there is that hope

I once said that if I ever had to detransition I wouldnt WANT to cope, wouldnt WANT to be alive, wouldnt WANT to experience it, and even though I didnt want to, I was forced to....how did I cope? I coped by knowing that there was no other way, I coped by believing in what the future can bring, Ive coped by believing in others as well as myself, I coped with the loving support of the chatmods who have, almost all, known my secret, I have coped by knowing that the human spirit can take massive amounts of hits and still be resilient. We all seem to underestimate how strong we are and can be, but believe in yourself, because if you believe in yourself not only will others believe in you too, but miracles can and do happen

I still have a long 12 months ahead of me, with an uncertain outcome at the end of it, there are no guarantees for this treatment, and the future is still VERY tentative, but Gosh darned it if I am not determined to prove everyone that yes I can and WILL accomplish what I set out to do. There is nothing that can hold me....or anyone for that matter....back!

If treatment doesnt clear my liver? Well, just another hurdle in the race we call life, I'll cope with it if it happens, I'll deal with it in my own way, I'll adjust to it, I'll never lose hope, but I'll adjust to it. What else can I do? Life is far too short, wonderful and def far too delicate to toy with

Such is life

Live it, love it, feel it and embrace it. For you can change it in a heartbeat.

Hugs always

Sammi

[JenniferB]

Sammi,

Thank you for your story. It is moving and inspirational. Not many people have faith that you have. And the fact that you have overcome some very difficult obstacles shows that life isn't going to get the best of you. I'd love to read one day soon that your virus is conquered and that your liver is back to full health.

Jenny

[Guest JaniceW]

Sammi,

What an inspiring post! While I certainly feel for your set back and your health issues I am given hope and inspiration from your positive attitude and approach to this hurdle that life has put in your path. I will definitely keep you in my prayers and thoughts.

I wish for you a very positive outcome from the liver treatment and I hope that your side effects are minimal and very tolerable. Your spirit is admirable and shows through clearly and your dedication to helping others is surely a source of strength for you. I know that for me helping others is a very major aspect of my being able to deal with the issues that I face personally.

Please keep us posted on your progress with treatment as we all are right there with you in spirit. When things get tough remember that we are holding your hand and stroking your hair. We are bringing that cool wash cloth and wiping your forehead.

All love and hugs to you!

[Guest Sammi-Lee]

Thank you Jenny.

I hope one day soon to write that post like I said I truly believe anything is possible

hugs

[Guest Sammi-Lee]

Janice,

You post brought tears to my eyes, thank you, this is why LP has become my home. There is never a caring word or a wondrous thought too far away from the members and staff here. Times WILL get tough I KNOW that, and I will be very appreciative of that cold wash cloth.

hugs and love to you

Sammi

[megandb]

I have nothing but confidence that the treatment will work. You have been through more than 5 people should ever have to go through, and you keep comming out on the other side of it. I think at this point you are just too darn tuff for anything too bad to happen Always remember you have alot of support here on the site.

Megan Jessica

[JJ]

Sammi,

Your fortitude and spirit are an inspiration. You have faced what most of us fear most with indomitable courage. Thank you for sharing your story. And for the love and care you have given to others even while your own heart was breaking.

My broter-in-law had Hep C and took the treatments about 5 years ago. He is now fit and healthy and as much an athelete as he ever was.. The only difference in his life is that he can't share a brew with the guys but in the scheme of things tha's nothing. I hope your experience will be similar and at the end of that difficlt treatment-and I know it is difficlt. He was often tempted to quit-you find you can resue your interrpted life.

Meanwhile you are still Sammi here and surrounded by those who care deeply about you. Please keep letting us know what is happening. We are here for you.

Hugs,

John

[Guest Sammi-Lee]

Thank you JJ,

and you can be assured I will keep you all up to date as things progress, this is a massive stepping stone in my life and who better than to share the successes of that than with the people whom I care about most Its fantastic to hear about your BIL and that things for him are going great guns, its awesome to hear such success stories...... As for the brewskies down at the pub? Coke or Dry ginger ale is good for me, Ive never been fond of the drink bad experiences, but thats a whole other thread

hugs always sweetheart

Sammi

[Guest AlishaToMe]

Sammi.

You are without doubt one of the mose wonderful, courageous people i have ever had the pleasure of comming across

Even in the midst of so much you remain strong and positive, a true inspiration.

You have shown me that no matter what life throws at us it is possible to overcome the trials and succeed in aything we choose to do.

You are in my thoughts darling and i hope your treatment goes well, i am sure it will, with your strength of spirit i can only see one winner here..you.

luv and huggs

Alisha

[Guest Sammi-Lee]

Alisha,

Thank you for your words of encouragement my darling, and thank you for your own self belief, it truly is wonderful to see. I really enjoyed meeting you in chat hun, and look forward to more chats as time goes by, you too have the strength in you and I know you can accomplish whatever it is you set your mind to.

Thank you princess

hugs

Sammi

[Guest Opal]

Hi Sammi,

Well, guess I was one of the few who did not know. Your strength of conviction combined with you level of hope will bring you through this to see better days ahead.

Your words of caring and support have helped so many here on Laura's. Wish you the very best in your treatment and recovery.

Take care and please log in and say 'Hi' whenever you are able to!

Big Huggs!

Opal

[Guest Sammi-Lee]

Opal my darling

you just try and keep me away from here, just aint gunna happen, I can type from bed (god bless laptops). Kinda tough to keep such a stubborn git like me down oh and by the way...

Love your work princess

hugs always my darling

Sammi

(PS pop into chat for a hello soon)

[Carolyn Marie]

Sammi, I was at the same time deeply saddened and greatly inspired by your post. No one should have to go through what you have, and yet you have not only gone through it, but you have retained your spirit, your sense of humor, your optimism and your love for everyone else around you.

You are a survivor, and I know that somehow things will get better for you. I am curious about one thing - does the virus preclude you from getting a liver transplant? I would think that could get you back into health, but I'm sure the hepatitis is a complex disease.

I wish you all the luck in the world, and all the strength that our good wishes can give you during the coming treatment regimen.

May the Goddess smile on your beautiful soul.

Love

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Sammi-Lee]

Carolyn, (I hope its ok to call you that)

Very good question my darling.....liver transplant?

Well, there is a simple and a complex answer to this one. unfortunately neither of them are great

I DONT qualify for a liver transplant due to the fact that I got the virus from being an intra venous drug user many years ago. I was a hopeless addict that one day woke up and decided to change my life, needless to say that it was too late, I had already had liver failure twice because of the virus. But wake up I did and after 15 years of using the needle I finally put it all down and went cold turkey from everything. That was 10 years ago

Today I am still drug free, the ONLY drug I take is a pain killer prescribed by my Dr. I have even been off my anti depressants for the last 7 months with the blessing and continued guidance from my psychiatrist :)so far all is well

As for an actual transplant if it WAS an option. I do currently have 45% cirrhosis of my liver, which in fact as we all know isnt great, cirrhosis does not mend itself once occurred. If per chance a transplant was an option I would STILL have to go through the 12 months of treatment on my liver to clear the virus first, otherwise the new liver would be infected with the virus as soon as it touched my blood, and hence we would once again go round in circles IF the transplant was successful, because of the complexities of my case, The other thing which may occur is that due to the virus it is likely that the transplant would be rejected anyway, unless of course as I stated it was cleared first

I hope this helps sweety

Hugs always

Sammi

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Dearest Samantha,

Your frank discussion about what you had gone through and why you had to stop HRT moved me to the core. Your health does come first. Your strength of character shines right through your post. Under these adverse conditions, you have been able to rise above and find resolve to live. I am very glad to hear that.

All my Love

Brenda

[Guest angie]

That was POWERFUL Sammi,

You are such a strong willed woman.And my dear sister,you are soooooooo

right.Wether we have the hormones coursing through us or not,we are women,

in our heart,mind,and soul,we are women,and No Body Can Tell Us Different.

Keep the faith that one day you not only beat the hepatitis,but that your

liver functions normally again,and that you may re start your hormones,for

the journey has never ended.We transsexuals who face life threatening conditions

are some tough boys and girls/men and women who know how to face adversity

and come out winners.

Huge Warm Hugs,

Angelique Michelle

(a cancer fighting woman)

[Guest kelise]

I am in awe of you Sammi. To be going through this and still have a positive attitude is a huge asset to everyone who hears your story. I wish you well and pray everything goes the best possible way it can, and I don't pray often. I know that the day will come you will be able to be the woman you are.

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Sammi.....Sorry that i'm late, Hon...

My bad...

I want to tell you that I read your story in another place and found you to of had an incredible hole to have to crawl out of...I'm amazed and awed..

And to have the attitude that you have is beyond belief.

I know that you can't be up all the time and you know that so many here really care about you...

I want to tell you that a friends husband has Hep C for the same reason that you do and he injects interferon once a week for a year (Ends at New Years) and it's mostly cleared up...is that what you're on?

Lots of love to you, Honey...Strength to you...

BIGGEST HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Guest ricka]

Sammi---I just love the stuff you're made of!!! Life has not been easy for

you but you know how to land on your feet, girl! And as Angie says hormones

don't make us women. It is what we are!

Miss Ricka

[Guest kelise]

That's true! Remember, women transitioned before hormones were available.

[Guest Cynthia Of Creation]

you'll pull through, they say 4:7 i say 2 out of 7 days! get well soon best of wishes

[Sakura]

this might be a very dumb question but....... why the need to detransition ? its your liver not the way you present . that is the danger to your health. sorry again if this was a dumb question. but. i don't get why it calls for total detransition.

Sakura

[Guest angie]

this might be a very dumb question but....... why the need to detransition ? its your liver not the way you present . that is the danger to your health. sorry again if this was a dumb question. but. i don't get why it calls for total detransition.

Sakura

That is so true Sakura. It would be like me saying I have to detransition just because I have cancer.

For one,female is in the mind,and being female minded, I wouldn't know how to be a male again after

putting that part of me out to pasture a loooooooooong time a ago.Then again,I am a small lady,with

a small frame and stature,so I blend in with the normal female population.And after 44 months of transition

I look and act like a woman naturally,with or without makeup.

Angie

[Sakura]

well angie , its not so much a question of " if one could, or could not." is a question of why would you ?. in sammis. particular instance . i get that Hep is seriouse . but the reason to detransition eludes me . i mean its a pretty drastic solution. to a problem that dosn't seem to warrant it.from some who who seemed to have it . down pat.it leaves me curious . for various reasons :?

Sakura

[Guest Leo the First]

I kind of agree with Sakura. But at the same time, I can only imagine what that must feel like DD":

And I really applaud you, Sammi, for having the courage to face it so optimistically.

You can do it!