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[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Hi all,

So here's a sticky situation...or not...depends on your point of view. As I mentioned in another post, I found some FTM's living near me and have been talking to people on the yahoo group. For most things, I have separate email addresses for "trans me" and "me that is actually a mask, but people know as the real me". On the yahoo group, I used my "trans email"...but I told people my real first name. You know, you just get sick of being fake with people. Being fake with people and not true to myself is what got me to be the confused 30 year old adolescent that I am today. I wanted to start out with these guys being honest. It isn't like I accidentally told them my name. It was a deliberate, premeditated decision. I also told them where I go to school and all. Anyway, my first name (which some of you know) is not so common. I don't live in a big city. You can find me on Facebook without much effort.

Well, one of the people from the group found me and sent a friend request to my Facebook account. The request sits...untouched. Why? Because I'm scared. When I looked at his page, it was viewable to everyone. He's very out about his identity as trans and everything else. I crave this sort of openness, but I'm not ready for it now. Basically, I am afraid that if I friend him that everyone else I know will look at his profile. People are nosy and are bound to ask me how I know him and why I'd be friending such a "different" sort of person. Now, if I were what I call a "loose friender" (i.e. I friend everyone I even remotely know), this wouldn't be an issue. I'm not like that. I only friend people that I really know pretty well. What's worse, nearly everyone on my friends list know each other. This one person would stand out. It complicates things even more that his page is publically viewable and not just viewable to people on his friends list.

Now, here's the part of the whole thing I feel bad about: I ended up sending the guy an email basically saying "if I friend you, promise not to out me". After I hit "send" I felt SO BAD. What am I? Am I such a coward that I can't just accept a friend request? It shouldn't be a big deal. I mean, the email didn't just say that. I talked about our mutual love for Guitar Hero and video games. I also asked about a trans discussion group he was working to start in our area. It's just that at the end, I asked about Facebook.

I really admire this guy's openness and activism for the trans community. Some day I would like to step up and do the same. It's just that I'm still very early in the "figuring things out" stage and don't want too much to crash down on me at once. I need to deal with things one piece at a time. I really don't want to risk an accidental 'mass outing'. Still, I really don't want to wreck my chances of being friends with this guy. He seems really cool and shares a lot of my own interests.

Sorry, this was way longer than I meant for it to be. So...can you dig? Do you smell what the Stranded is cooking? Advice? Opinions anyone? I feel like such a jerk!

[Guest raydub]

yeah.. i can smell it.

due..dont feel like a jerk.. this guy has probably been where you are at some point in his life..so he's bound to understand your desire for.. discretion.

be cool.. this should be fine.

Ray

[Guest Drew]

i agree with ray. this guy will know about the need for discretion having been there. also, your email didn't sound jerkish at all...that wasn't all you said, you just casually asked. no harm in that, i'm sure he will respect your wishes.

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

yeah.. i can smell it.

due..dont feel like a jerk.. this guy has probably been where you are at some point in his life..so he's bound to understand your desire for.. discretion.

be cool.. this should be fine.

Ray

Thanks, man. You are probably right. I hope that he understands. I just feel bad because he was probably just being nice and I returned that by being all suspicious. I hate having to be careful all the time. It isn't me.

[Guest raydub]

Look at it this way...you wont ALWAYS have to be this careful..eh?

This is just where you are right now.. itll pass. Like all things.

Ray

[Guest Snow Angel]

Take your time and stay within your comfort level. As time passes and you get more used to things, you'll be more outgoing with it. Go at your own pace.

[Guest Ryles_D]

I'm the same way. He should understand, of all the ways to be outed- the worst is when someone else does it for you. Especialy when they don't know. Yeah, it sounds bad, but everyone's situation is different. The guy doesn't know your friends or parents, most likely, he can't say with certainty how accepting anyone who doesn't knowwould be. It's a totallyunderstandable thing.

I wouldn't worry,though. My facebook is myboy name (Ry) and sometimes I refer to myself as he. Nobody's really noticed much. My friend only noticed I markedmyself "male" on my deviantart after someone else commetnedon it.

[Guest JayJaye]

This is why I just want to come out and be done with it. I hate secrets.

OTOH my main issue with coming out is not really friends and family. The two most important people in my life know (my kids). My best friend knows, and my best college buddy knows. All are supportive.

It's work. To come out at work I need to be on T. I need to have a legal name change. I need to prepare to be fired (though I don't think it will be an issue; the anti-discrimination policy prohibits discrimination because of sex (where trans falls in my state at the moment), orientation (where lots of people THINK trans falls)). To come out means coming out at work.

I just want my T...my therapist tells me how great my life will be on T (well she doesn't use the word great, LOL, but knows it will definitely help with my 'issues') but she hasn't written the letter yet (those standards of care...)

Jay

[Guest loving_mom_08]

yeah.. i can smell it.

due..dont feel like a jerk.. this guy has probably been where you are at some point in his life..so he's bound to understand your desire for.. discretion.

be cool.. this should be fine.

Ray

You need to take things at your pace and as others have said if discretion is asked then it is ok. I wouldn't consider you a scaredy cat but someone who needs more time which others can appreciate. Have faith in yourself.

-loving_mom_08

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

This is why I just want to come out and be done with it. I hate secrets.

OTOH my main issue with coming out is not really friends and family. The two most important people in my life know (my kids). My best friend knows, and my best college buddy knows. All are supportive.

It's work. To come out at work I need to be on T. I need to have a legal name change. I need to prepare to be fired (though I don't think it will be an issue; the anti-discrimination policy prohibits discrimination because of sex (where trans falls in my state at the moment), orientation (where lots of people THINK trans falls)). To come out means coming out at work.

I just want my T...my therapist tells me how great my life will be on T (well she doesn't use the word great, LOL, but knows it will definitely help with my 'issues') but she hasn't written the letter yet (those standards of care...)

Jay

I know, right! Exactly! I am so sick of having 2 LiveJournals, 2 sets of email addresses, etc... I spend so much time hiding when I really just want to be me. For me, I'm making a bigger deal out of the Facebook thing than I need to because I am so mortally afraid of being outed to the wrong people at the wrong time. Seriously, coming out to my family and saying that I want to transition is more likely than not going to lead to me being disowned. I am writing my "coming out letter" to my mom now...been working on it in my head for a month or so...and so far about half of it is a coming out letter and the other half is a goodbye letter.

Yeah, so for me, being outed means possibly losing my family, having my s/o freak out when he's literally half a world away from here, and having to find another place to live. I mean, I wouldn't be homeless because I have somewhere to go, but it still wouldn't be any fun.

My life would be great on T, but there certainly would be a pretty big rough patch before I got to that point. Oh to be able to be the "real me".

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

You need to take things at your pace and as others have said if discretion is asked then it is ok. I wouldn't consider you a scaredy cat but someone who needs more time which others can appreciate. Have faith in yourself.

-loving_mom_08

Yup, I need more time, that's pretty much how it is. Facebook could start a very bad chain reaction...my sister is nosy and checks out my friends list, sister tells mom, mom melts down and disowns. I live in fear. I live in a constant state of limbo.

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Hey guys! So, the dude just emailed me back. He was totally cool with everything. I am SO relieved! Now we can hang out and play some video games.

[Guest raydub]

Told you so!

No, seriously, im glad it worked out. AND youve apparently got a buddy! Sweet.

Ray