A Feeling I Had Today

[Guest Emily Ray]

Hi Ladies,

I am staying at my Mom and Dad's house for the holidays and my nephew is here also. Today, I was watching him and just admiring what kind of man he has turned out to be. He has juvenile Diabetes and is maybe 5'8" tall and weighs 108lbs. and has completed his Fireman's Training In Michigan which has the hardest training program in the country. He still looks like he's fourteen but don't be fooled! he works the night shift as a welder and has some great insight on life. As a volunteer fireman he has had people die in his arms, and from those experiences he has a perspective and maturity not often found in a young man. And as I was watching him this afternoon I started to morn the man I never was! I don't want to be a man. that never worked out to well for me and I know that. I am often jealous of my female friends because of their ability to be sexual with a man. Of course these are thoughts I only share with my friends here. In AA it is said we are only as sick as our secrets and I don't want to have secrets from anyone. It really starts to bug me when I haven't shared something with a friend that I should. I don't know where I am going with this rant so I'll stop now

Huggs,

Em

[Guest sarah f]

Emily it is perfectly ok to wonder what if but that isn't who we are. You are a beautiful girl and nobody can say otherwise. We are just correcting our body to match our mind. We were never male so don't beat yourself up thinking about the what if's.

[JJ]

Those kinds of feelings are sometimes the hardest for me. What would it have been like to be a real woman inside and out and what would I have been like? I feel a deep aversion to being a woman inside but still I can't help but wonder. Just as I look with envy sometimes on the tall strong men I see and can never be.

But I don't think I've really felt jealousy as much as a regret that I will never know how it feels to be either a natal man or a natal woman.

I don't dwell on that.

Anymore than I dwell on what it would be like to be really wealthy and never have to feel the fear and insecurity that financial difficulties brings. I can't change it so I acknowledge that I felt it and strive to let it go. Those are natural feelings but can easily turn toxic if given the chance. I don't think you'll give them a chance either.

Hugs

John

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Good advice, Em....

Like Lizzy says....

"Regrets....this way lies madness...."

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Guest JustShelly]

But I don't think I've really felt jealousy as much as a regret that I will never know how it feels to be either a natal man or a natal woman.

I don't dwell on that.

Anymore than I dwell on what it would be like to be really wealthy and never have to feel the fear and insecurity that financial difficulties brings. I can't change it so I acknowledge that I felt it and strive to let it go. Those are natural feelings but can easily turn toxic if given the chance. I don't think you'll give them a chance either.

Hugs

John

This is where I am with my thoughts, constantly. The problem is I do dwell on it SO MUCH. At least I recognise I do that.

Even though I would consider myself an above average Father, I still look at other Fathers and think, "If I could've been more like him, my kids would be better off"

I Have the same thinking at times about being a man, but I was a man so many years of my life that I feel I did the best that I could of done with my gid issues. I don't look at most men and Fathers with envy, most are less of a man I WAS. I do notice though with the young men maturing into adults, I often think. "WHAT IF" though I am proud of many of these young men. Including one of my own. The finest most respectable young man you will see

I do constantly look at natal females with envy, only to realise I will always be a trans woman. I am learning little by little to except that, but the envy is always there.

Shelly

[Guest Emily Ray]

Thank you all for your responses. One of the main reasons I come to this site is the knowledge that I am not alone in my thoughts no matter how crazy they may seem to me. It isn't often that I have something that I can't figure out with a little time and thought, but when it does occur, this site is my primary resource for help. Thank you all!

Huggs,

Emily

[Guest Elizabeth K]

.

Good advice, Em....

Like Lizzy says....

"Regrets....this way lies madness...."

Huggs

Donna Jean

BEAT ME TO IT!

LOL

LIZZY