I Am A Guy Who Is "female"

[Guest SailorMercury]

Hello and first to say: This is the most complete forum I have encountered so far, and next to mention english isnt my native language, so I used to frequent places in german.

However what first sticked out so positively into my eye here is that theres this term called bigendered, being used here quite some times, and I could put it like "Yea the moment i came here I knew I was amongst a community that would not reply with a big question mark, hearing my selfdescription.

So, this said, what am I? I go by the name of mercury because first of i love sailor mercury, she stands for my ideal of a woman (non vulgar, beautiful, educated, pure at heart - tahts basically not my dream gf / bf but what I would like to be, so, on the other hand, mercury is a symbol for hermaphrodite, which is - of sorts - related to being "in between genders", and thats where i personally feel i am located not so much by my body that i blame to be the reason, no, if i am honest i think i am located in between genders in my psyche, in the way male and female regard each other. I'm also sure that this isnt a 100% transgender problem but that nobody else than poeple like this will ever understand it, since even my 5 (!) psychatrists could NOT - they are in the proper body.

So my self description is... I got a psychic prob and I know it, an emotional inner problem, basically boys would look after girls thinking "i want that girl as my gf" but i thought "i want to be that girl". Later I used to yearn to be basically any Girl, my cousin told me i look after EVERY girl, how sexually arroused must i be, he didnt knew my heart bleeded to actually posess those bodies is there somehting like somebody isnt into slipping in girl clothes but wanting to be in their bodys? Only wondering. Since i could not, i was depressed and started to actually suggestionate myself "WOmen are the most worthless and unattractive and silly crap", because that was the only way I would think "HOw would you ever want to be... crap, how could you ever feel bad that you cant be.. crap??!" I wont use the very hateful terms right here now, though, because you also see my point by this already.

But this is the top of the thing, the entirety of the problem was I felt that I yearned to be (what i emphasized to be) beautiful, very much like in other peoples posts who said when they look in the mirror they know its the face they see everyday but it is not really feeling like its what they identify themself with.

For exactly 16 years now I thought i have to go the transsexual way, resulting in an operation, but ther is the one single thing that every therapist has pointed out, and the thing that I know myself though would never admit for years - I dont act female, i dont speak female, i dont get along with females (like... having all their intrests in common - the opposite is the case).

I assumed "have you recylcled the wish of your parents (i was planned as a girl) and then worshipped the beauty of girls BECAUSE you have nothing in common with them? LIke... BECAUSE they are so different (and thus unreach-able) from what you are? YOu dont even have a joy in female clothes, the ONLY reason you yearned (depressively) to wear female clothes is because society works the way that if youre a guy youre not "allowed" to wear female clothes and you cried "I am worth less than females, im just a man, i am not allowed to wear the beautiful things". This is actually (as you sure see) a complex construction of thoughts and how to emphasize the logical consequences.

I have found myself misplaced among transvestites as well as that i have found myself incompatible with common transsexuals. I also knew even an OP would only improve, not repair me, so i would never be a born woman.

This increased desperation, and the fact i am not into men though i wished i was is another proof im not female.

So, in german forums as well as in therapy i did not find ANY niche i would match, defining myself with the word Mercury, made up / chosen in sympathy of sailor mercury, my ideal image of a woman.

Summing this up displays what i feel i am, demonstrated by comparison:

A transsexual is a person identifying herself (in MTF case of course) female, acting female by instinct, having female interests.

A Mercury is a person of male gender (in my case) identifying himself with the other that hes not born in. HOwever, born in his body he has all the thoughts patterns and interests of the gender he was born. Thus he will never be acknowledged to be female despite when asking himself deep inside he thinks "of course i am.

I dont claim to be confirmed nor (of course) would it be all too comfortable to be completely refused.

I came here because this place handles more than Male, female, tg as a definition.

Also, i am not happy with what i call mercury. I had to make up the term because especially my therapist considers me just a man of homosexual sort - I am NOT into men tho i would like to be (but he doesnt know it and has never asked plus he knows that all my (2...) relationships in life were with girls so how does he get the idea im gay?! So i had to make up the word mercury to at least know where I stand, i stand in between the genders and move towards the opposite gender than my body is. BEcause if i had not made up that definition - according to my therapists dianosis - i would be a homosexual man (who is not into men, think of that)

I am totally sorry this description was a bit longer but i am 100% unhappy that i am not "just" a type that matches the other categories, it makes a living hell of my life, meanwhile i see men and htink "They are so ugly, but if i was born "healthy" then i would like them. And i see girls and think "my adoration for them died years ago because they remember me just that i cant be like them, so i no longer want to find them beautiful so it doesnt hurt so much to look at what i feel inside but never will be, also because i have only got this bodys behavior" (Though i try to accumulate female behaviour, its neither ME nor do i have confidence that i will ever reach it.)

This aside, I was immediately sure am sure that in this place people could tell me more about how this might come (there got to be a reason).

I am desperated because i now try to live a tg life and every morning i think "this is so boring i only put makeup on my face for the others to see that im a being close to a girl inside, but a real girl doesnt need makeup to make people identify her as a girl , and that means youre a less worth being and you know it, men are worth much less than girls.

This feeling is my personal "philosophy" or guide in mind, confirmed by many things that even "men and female are equal"-minded people could not dement / prove that my things were wrong

Basically to put it in one line a mercury is a person who is yearning to belong to the other gender because in his emphaty this "transsexuality by choice" is the only logical way. I mean - people want to be beautiful - there is nobody that says "just a second got to go in the bath making myself a bit ugly yet before we go out".

I have always been into things like mermaids, goddesses, anything, and like a boy, all i ever fancied were beautiful girls, later everything female, i think that this has triggered a kind of thinking "i dont want to have sombody beautiful i want to BE that myself, maybe also because you can lose your gf/wife anytime again.

So, to not let my thereapists words of gay and homosexual and whatever overwhelm my conscious completely, i made up the term mercury for this but I THINK there sure will be other words for it here, pointing back "Where i come from there were not, so this was a neccessity, by no means i want to introduce my word as a style or somthing, this is a disease and it never feels any good - only painful, when i put clothes on i think "youre still not a girl, Gosh darned" and my mother always tries to compliment me "you are not ugly, you do have such beautiful tights, if you were a woman you would look awesome", and this goes on with hands, hair, etc - she always admired her son being "blessed" with tights smaller than hers, knowing not every of her words pierces a female heart inside my chest, if you know what i mean.

As a boy i weigh too less, as a girl too much, as a boy i have female facial features, as a girl this masculinity is a desaster, i am losing my mind the last 16 years, and there is the thought "of course suicide is for the weak, but not to realize when you got no chance to win a race anymore is also pathetic, and YOU will NEVER be what you feel that you are. First off because the girl you think you are is about 16 (=exactly where it started, since i never could be her she didnt age or ripe). I want to live but sanity (not insanity) tries to persuade me that i was not born the way i was supposed, no operation can make me female since i dont have the FEELINS and emotions and moves in my blood, and so, i just have drawn the short straw, nobodys fault, not even my own, but to live on like this is pointless.l TO end it, some people tell me still i can live life, have a family, enjoy sex, knowing not i have a "hilarious" dysfunction that is requiring my nipplese to be played to arouse me a bit (without to make "me hard" at all tho), and when i went with this single prob to a medicinic german forum , as a man, i was laughed at in an embarrassing way and was told well i should let them do a surgery and that makes me a woman - a moment where i wished all these people would actually die for enjoying life and laughing about my problem. Becoming a woman.... there is NOTHING more that i ever wished to BE a woman, and i was planned as one but i have not become one in the end.

Last to mention is that i have always seen girls in my dreams such as mermaiden and stuff, and always in those moments when i disappeared, which (as i understood much later) indicated i was these girls, thus they only appeared in moments where i was absent.

NOw, i have successfully managed to write it all up, and I hope it was not all too inconvenient to read, not because it was so long but mainly because my ENglish is not perfect, though I really try hard to improve it since i like that language alot, its so straight and handy to use (other than my inner personality).

BestRegards

SailorMercury

[Guest raydub]

SailorMercury.

Welcome to Laura's Playground! Im glad youve found us too. It seems youve found a way to identify yourself just fine...even if its not something your therapist can relate to or understand. The understanding of yourself must come from..yourself. And it looks like youve almost gotten it down. Stick around here and read lots. Im sure you'll find some information and help.

Thanks for sharing your story with us. Hope to see you around the forums.

Ray

[Guest KellyGirl]

very intresting. well I guess all I need to say is...identify yourself yeh. I should follow my own advice, you've fallen into some sterotypes. not everything has to be cut and dry. just try to follow your heart and may you find happiness.

[Guest Keiichi-kun]

Hehe Sailor Mercury is cool but my favorite is Sailor Neptune

It seems that you really know who you are and aren't going to let these specific terms bother you. I kinda like your idea for the name mercury.

"So are you a boy or girl?"

"Hehe I'm a mercury"

[Guest Drew]

hi Sailor Mercury welcome to the forums! i'm glad you found us!

[Guest SailorMercury]

Hehe Sailor Mercury is cool but my favorite is Sailor Neptune

Sailor Neptune is my 2nd fave so we are not so far apart with that

I wish i had more than just 1 hour "therapy" per week, i would need multiple times per week, my life only takes a very slow progress and time is fast, i am missing much im afraid, but its the way it goes.

[Guest Mr. Fox]

Your therapist does not sound very good, so I suggest you ignore what he says. Also, you don't have to like makeup or men to be female. Nor do you have to identify with the women around you. I myself tend to not to identify with many people of either gender, and most of my friends are girls. Just food for thought. I like the term mercury! It's more interesting sounding than androgyne.

Adrian

[Guest Keiichi-kun]

Sailor Neptune is my 2nd fave so we are not so far apart with that ;

The main reason Neptune is my favorite is because she is in a relationship with Uranus. They are one of the cutest shoujo-ai couples

Also Fox is right. Maybe you should find another therapist if this one is being like that. It must be annoying to be called gay by him like that.

[Guest tsubasa]

Hello SailorMercury,

I couldn't believe what I was reading. I feel the same way, too! Maybe. Perhaps congruent.

When I was growing up, I think I used to act a lot like like a girl, since teachers would always tell me that, but I don't remember thinking, “I'm a girl!,” and being obnoxious about it like I read so many other TSes were (no offense). My parents told me that god wanted me to be a boy, and that was good enough for me. They even got out a book of anatomy to show me that I had boy parts and that's why I was a boy. That was all good enough for me. My mom never wanted a daughter, though, so she was happy I was a boy, and when I decided I had to be a girl, there wasn't room in her heart for a daughter.

I don't have a sister. I only have 1 female cousin, but she grew up 200 miles away so we didn't see each other. Instead I had to get along with 10 male cousins on my mom's side of the family. (You'd think maybe I was really born female and there was some government plot to make sure my grandma didn't have a single granddaughter—but probably not. Maybe.) So of course I never had any clothes to get into when I was young.

However, when I got older, I realized that I needed to figure out how to act like whatever a “guy” was or I'd continue to be humiliated day-after-day in school. Now that I'm finally all grown up, it seems that the world has given me so many knocks that I don't know how to be feminine any more: my only response to all my misfortunes is to become more masculine.

I've been through a few therapists, and they always seem to use that against me, especially the one I went to to try to see an endo for HRT. It seems they expect you to already be a girl before they'll let you be a girl! If only I hadn't been cursed with being able to fit in as a guy! Ha.

My mom was a tomboy—“one of the guys.” That's the ideal woman I'd like to be. I want to be someone fun and maybe even sexy to the guys I hang out with. I suppose that speaks to all kinds of inadequacies I have. However, I know another TS IRL who will be pretty attractive once her HRT starts working, but she seems to have a very demure femininity. She's friends with a lot of genetic girls. I make friends more easily with guys. But, I always think, there are plenty of genetic girls who hang out with guys! Why don't the doctors force them to take testosterone! Being a guy feels so fake to me, and I can't keep it up long—it wears me out so much—, but if I could be a girl who's one of the guys I think I could have some real fun hanging out with friends.

What strikes me most about your post is that I share the feeling of “just wanting to be female.” I don't want to play dress-up, although I'm sure that if I were ever able to afford any plastic surgery I'd wear pretty things. It sounds like you just want to wake up and have other people know that you're female through-and-through without any, “Oh yeah, he^H^Hshe used to be a guy but he^H^Hshe's a girl now.” (btw, ^H is a backspace. I use it here to represent what I can only imagine my friends think when I go out as a girl.)

I've also become quite a misogynist. It seems to be fueled by jealousy. I can only imagine how easy and carefree my life would have been if only I'd been female. It doesn't help that females get all the benefits in school, along with the benefit of the doubt if they do anything wrong instead of a good whipping every now and then just to make sure.

It seems the common thread is feeling too inadequate to be a woman and constant misunderstanding by doctors. I know this is an old topic, but if you read this, does what I'm writing sound familiar?

[Guest Evan_J]

I always think, there are plenty of genetic girls who hang out with guys!

I dunno if its true where you live, or maybe its just "perception" but a lot of times the girls who do that (unless they're masculine lesbians or heterosexual FtMs seeing themselves as men) are perceived to be very "friendly" (read: permiscuous) natured.

[Guest ChrissyK]

have you recylcled the wish of your parents (i was planned as a girl) and then worshipped the beauty of girls BECAUSE you have nothing in common with them? LIke... BECAUSE they are so different (and thus unreach-able) from what you are? YOu dont even have a joy in female clothes, the ONLY reason you yearned (depressively) to wear female clothes is because society works the way that if youre a guy youre not "allowed" to wear female clothes and you cried "I am worth less than females, im just a man, i am not allowed to wear the beautiful things".

I do think that way often. And oh!!! My thoughts are exactly as what tsubasa and you have said. I can't believe it either!

I never had much of the urge to dress enfemme, never did. I wear what comes to me and I don't really feel that dressing female would make me feel more in touch with myself.

i see men and htink "They are so ugly, but if i was born "healthy" then i would like them. And i see girls and think "my adoration for them died years ago because they remember me just that i cant be like them, so i no longer want to find them beautiful so it doesnt hurt so much to look at what i feel inside but never will be, also because i have only got this bodys behavior"

This crosses my mind everytime!!! I envied girls alot because of their physical appearance and all the stuff that they can do, and one day, I just had enough of it. (went into denial that time..for the next 3 years)

Though I never imagined myself doing my nails, or putting make-up. That doesn't make me any less female, or is it because I have a mental problem? I don't know. All i know is that I too, dont have much traits of a typical college girl. I find it hard to mix with both guys and girls, but I do hang out more with girls.

[Guest chibi_usa]

Mine is Sailor Mini Moon ^^ and I think Chibi+Hotaru r cute 2 ^^. Anyways ur lucky u hav a girl figure O_o Wish I had that. Anyways ya ask 4 a better therapist isnt there a site 4 that? I think its http://www.lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm

[Guest avlynn]

Ich liebe deutsch! Ich bin lernen ist! I suck at it, though! Haha! ^_^' Anyway, whenever I feel like this, I just keep in mind three things: 1.) what brought forth my efforts is the from the same source that brought forth what makes me feel this way, 2.) everyone has a different experience with dysphoria, and 3.) everyone is different. I prefer female clothes, but it doesn't kill me to wear male clothes, and I know a lot of people who are the same way, trans or not. Deep down, you know who you are!

~Maylene (May)

[Guest SJH]

Ooh my

You don't have to be a stereotype to be considered a real transsexual woman

I am a planespotter, a (sort of) trainspotter/railfan, a conspiracy researcher. I'm no mainstream female persona but then again I wouldn't call myself a mainstream persona full stop. I know I'm 100% female beyond a shadow of a doubt and that's why I needed to transition

I don't fancy men either and you can very much be a lesbian. I'm a proud lesbian and this just means I happen to be a gay woman rather then an un-genuine transsexual woman

One thing that has to be understood is you don't have to be some glitz and glam barbie doll (or any other stereotype of female) if this really is who you are. Some people will love to tell you how you should be and the TS world certainly can have its stereotype idealists.

The end of the day point is if you ever transition I'd humbly suggest not doing it to "be a woman" but instead to become the real you which would just happen to be female instead of male. To me this is what transition 100% is about, feeling at one with who you are and finally being able to be and feel genuine. Nothing more nothing less