Afraid Of Being "ugly"

[Guest collegekid]

Hey...so...I am female-bodied, like female pronouns, love my female name, etc...however...I do not like presenting in a stereotypically female way. I prefer short hair, clothes from the men's section only, facial hair, etc. Growing up I didn't give a crap about what anyone thought and was always myself...looking back at pictures of me in middle school/high school, I am so proud of myself dressing and presenting the way I felt most comfortable.

But as I grew up, I heard a lot.."you would look so beautiful if you put your hair down/grew your hair out" (from my friends). "You need to bleach or get laser hair surgery" (from my mother). "you need to dress more femininely, why don't you wear some skinny jeans or dresses ever" (from my girlfriend).

I was confident, loud, and had many friends in high school, but never a girlfriend or significant other. I thought I would be alone forever.

I am attracted to feminine women (I identify as a lesbian) and I started thinking I had to dress that way too so that other lesbians would find me attractive (again my gender bending goes beyond just being "butch", see facial hair, etc.). Now I am constantly showered praise...for "not looking like a lesbian" (these mean spirited people mean not looking "manly" or "ugly"), for looking "straight" and "gorgeous." My jewelry collection is blooming. I finally have women who want me.

But I feel further and further away from myself. Gender-wise, I don't see myself as male or female. I prefer looking like a man/passing as one (but still using female pronouns) and I feel like there's no place in this world for me. Like I would be seen as ugly, a freak, etc. I used to look in the mirror and love myself, but now I only love myself when others compliment me...when I see myself I see something ugly. I feel like a drag queen guidette, if that makes sense, even if all of my friends just see a beautiful Italian woman who "finally came into" being a "woman".

I'm shy, quiet, don't have as many friends.

I want to be myself but I feel like there is too much pressure to be otherwise. What can I do? :/

[Carolyn Marie]

Hello, Collegekid, and welcome to the Playground.

You certainly picked the right forum to post in, as androgynous is what you seem to be describing yourself as. There is nothing wrong with being androgynous, and wanting to present in both genders, or have a little something from both. We have a lot of members who feel exactly the same way, so you're not alone. They will be along soon enough to add their welcomes to mine.

One other thing I want to say is that it is wrong to assume that Lesbians or Gay men "have to" look or act a certain way. I know of many Lesbians who love to wear bling, have long hair and like to dress attractively. I know many Gays who don't act in any sort of stereotypical manner, and who are indistinguishable from any straight man. So present however you want to, in whatever manner makes you feel comfortable. One thing about Laura's, we don't judge people here.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Micha]

Hey...so...I am female-bodied, like female pronouns, love my female name, etc...however...I do not like presenting in a stereotypically female way. I prefer short hair, clothes from the men's section only, facial hair, etc. Growing up I didn't give a crap about what anyone thought and was always myself...looking back at pictures of me in middle school/high school, I am so proud of myself dressing and presenting the way I felt most comfortable.

But as I grew up, I heard a lot.."you would look so beautiful if you put your hair down/grew your hair out" (from my friends). "You need to bleach or get laser hair surgery" (from my mother). "you need to dress more femininely, why don't you wear some skinny jeans or dresses ever" (from my girlfriend).

I was confident, loud, and had many friends in high school, but never a girlfriend or significant other. I thought I would be alone forever.

I am attracted to feminine women (I identify as a lesbian) and I started thinking I had to dress that way too so that other lesbians would find me attractive (again my gender bending goes beyond just being "butch", see facial hair, etc.). Now I am constantly showered praise...for "not looking like a lesbian" (these mean spirited people mean not looking "manly" or "ugly"), for looking "straight" and "gorgeous." My jewelry collection is blooming. I finally have women who want me.

But I feel further and further away from myself. Gender-wise, I don't see myself as male or female. I prefer looking like a man/passing as one (but still using female pronouns) and I feel like there's no place in this world for me. Like I would be seen as ugly, a freak, etc. I used to look in the mirror and love myself, but now I only love myself when others compliment me...when I see myself I see something ugly. I feel like a drag queen guidette, if that makes sense, even if all of my friends just see a beautiful Italian woman who "finally came into" being a "woman".

I'm shy, quiet, don't have as many friends.

I want to be myself but I feel like there is too much pressure to be otherwise. What can I do? :/

Hiyas and welcome.

I am so sorry for the conflict I read in your post. I can relate to needing other's opinions to strengthen my confidence. I wish I knew how to find that strength within. Sounds like you knew it once, so you would know better than I, how to get that back. I get it though, stereotypes, no place to belong, trying to meet certain expectations in order to find something missing in your own experience.

My only suggestion is to be who you are. Being anything else in order to please someone else is a lifetime of unfulfilled burden, not justifiable by any stretch of imagination. I can't believe there isn't a woman who would love you and appreciate who you are. It's so ridiculous to me that these stereotypes exist. There's no molds or models for human beings, we simply can not conform to these absurd ideals. It's impossible, and only madness can be gained from trying to meet these expectations.

[Guest Alder]

^.^ Ellow and welcome,

I can only add to the agreement of the other two fine people already, and state that if being yourself is what made you happy I would try to go back to that, one shouldn't have t ofish for compliments. I for one, am starting to be very proud of my 'ridiculously fuzzy legs for a female' I always hated shaving and would hardly due it unless I was going to be wearing a skirt, or with someone new and I've decided I'm not going to bother with any shaving(aside facial..since it's all patchy and I'm not keen on it on anyone).

Be true to yourself, and if someone asks or comments on it... just be honest with yourself, shrug it off, and continue being attractive to yourself. I get a lot of comments of "you'd be so pretty...if" comments, and when I do those 'ifs' I look in the mirror and same as you, feel like I'm in drag or such... I think the last time I wore make up was Halloween that was eyeliner and lipstick.. I got home, looked in the mirror and went "dear gods, I look like a cracked out version of Eddie Izzard.".... I haven't worn makeup since..

[Guest Chrysee]

Welcome Collegekid! I envy you because it was while in college that I took my first real look at myself (or the first look at the real me.) In fact, my avatar shows me on the very night that I did this. Anyway, I was twenty two and so wish that I had decided right there to Come Out.

And speaking of Coming Out. . .I read your post and couldn't help but conclude that no one ever Came out so they could feel worse about themselves. I came out at 58. . .I have a live-in girlfriend, an estranged wife, three kids, a grandson, and a grand daughter on the way.

You want to talk about conflicts? Now maybe it's because I waited so long and from were I sit can see that Inevitable light waaaayyyyyyy down there at the end of the tunnel, but I'll be darned if anyone is going interfere with me being ME.

Hang in there and Welcome to the Playground!

Luv,

Chrysalis

[Guest SidESlicker]

Screw them.

It takes time, but the person who'll accept you and love you completely and unconditionally is coming. You just have to find her. Your job is to make sure is that you're going to love and accept yourself uncondiontally up until the moment you find her, and then forever more after that.

*hugs*

Welcome aboard kiddo.

Yeah, you'd look pretty in a dress and long hair. You know how else to look attractive? By feeling confident in your own body and knowing that no matter what your mother or your friends think, you're gorgeous.

The people who're going to stick by your side thick and thin shouldn't be people that you've won over by putting on jewellry. They should be people who like you for who you are, no matter how you are.

Stop being shy and quiet. Again, remember that people *do* want to be your friend, so surround yourself by people who are just as awesome as you are.

What to do? Stop trying to not be yourself, because when you do finally find the girl of your dreams, don't make her have to squint through the jewellry to see the person that you are - who is someone who shouldn't be wearing jewellry if they don't want to.

[Guest Micha]

Sid's right, quite blunt, but right. You don't want the person you love to be someone who loves you for the masks you wear. Only by being yourself and loving the person you are can you find the person who loves you for the same reason.

I worry that the people who love me do so because I've presented myself as something else, something I'm not. Now an effort to be honest with them is even harder because I don't want to lose them, but I don't want to lie to them anymore. It would have been better for me to have taken the chance to be loved as I honestly am.