"living A Lie"

[Guest Orva26]

Hello,

I find that in my head, I'm ME and that the ME I am has not been a lie. I didn't have to play act male or construct another personality to do it. And now with all the thinking and stuff I've done I don't find a great pain in being male, just a general disinterest. I'm actually inclined to say that by transitioning I would be realizing/actualizing a dream/goal vs. finally being able to live as myself.

Where do others' sit on this?

-Orva

[Guest Orva26]

wait... dang... that's what a public poll meant? Didn't mean to put people on the spot like that. I thought the difference was a public poll could be voted in by non-members as well not that results could be viewed. Can it be swapped somehow?

[Guest JaniceW]

Wow girl can you come up with some thought provoking questions. I couldn't vote in the poll because for me the answer is more complex.

I didn't realize the level or true nature of my GID until this past year. However, thinking through my life after the realization I can recall a lot of behaviors and thoughts that were previously repressed or misunderstood. So did I lie to others, no. Did I lie to myself, yes but at the time I didn't know it was a lie because I was repressing the truth from myself.

But your original message raise another question as well, that being "Am I becoming someone new or am I allowing the person I have always been to be expressed?" To this question my answer is the latter.

[Guest Leigh]

i definitely feel i'm living a lie... that's part of the reason i want to change so badly.

i'm lying to my friends and family, pretending that i am female...and i've had to lie to others, because when i've tried to be myself, people seem to get confused.

so i construct a fake personality to keep day to day human interaction simple...

it sucks, but its the truth, and its a survival mechanism.

peace&love

[Guest Roxanna L]

I'm not going to answer this one, Orva, as both options would be valid, from my point of view.

• To me, it was an act; I was told by my parents I was a boy. Now, why should I not believe them at such an early age?
  
• In spite of everything, I have been myself from day one. I just couldn't show, nor did I even realise it, at the time.
  

Still, good poll, hon.

Hugs,

Anna

[Guest Roxanna L]

I'm sorry, Orva, but I misinterpreted your OP.

I, too, have not been necessarily unhappy as a man, bullying and rejection issues, aside. Had some moments of doubt, across the years, but until recently, it wasn't much of a problem...

When worse comes to worst, I suppose I could live on as a man, but something tells I'd only be grumbling at fate, for the rest of my life.

Hugs,

Anna

[Guest KellyKat]

Hi Orva!!

Thought provoking poll.

I had to go with living the lie.

No matter how much 'me' escapes. Loud clothes, fem hair, etc.

No one sees the full true 'me'..... yet.

Luv Kat

[Guest MonikaC]

Ive definitely been acting my whole life. I created so many lies about myself from the type of movie I enjoy to the music I listen to, even the food I liked. I did it because I patterned myself around the guys I would watch and try to fit in.

[Guest Maria (Hilda)]

I would have to say, well, to me I am just fixing my body - I've always been me, I love video games and fart jokes, I love gossiping with my girls and shopping for clothes! Everyone knows that, but they know that ''he'' likes those things.

So, to other people - I'm living a lie! But to me, I'm fixing my body.

Heh, guess that means are you asking us to vote from OUR view, or those around us?

Love, Maria.

[guest]

I went for the "just fixing my body" also

I have always been a shy and loner type, so there have never been any conflict in how I act. Being male isn't so bad... it's a body, it does cool stuff and gets me around.

Bad part is, my body seems to be holding me back. I dislike a lot of my male features and general shape. I have tried a lot of things to fix it (such as dieting like crazy)... but generally I just don't let anyone see my body. I can't even change shirts in front of family members or a doctor haha. Basically, I'm already almost 28, so if I continue with what I have been doing I'll just end up alone (and dooomed!).

[Guest Orva26]

Heh, guess that means are you asking us to vote from OUR view, or those around us?

Good question!

I think it would have to be your personal views on the matter because innately there is a lie if you identify internally but externally exhibit something else.

I still haven't a clue what my path of action will be, daily and occasionally hourly I osculate between framing this as an obsession, thinking to mitigate it solely with cross-dressing, and pursuing transition but regardless of path I won't find a relief for lifting a lie because I haven't really been lying. What I would get is a body and a body image.

[Guest KellyKat]

innately there is a lie if you identify internally but externally exhibit something else.

Sorry if I take this line out of context.

What comes to mind is that this does not allow for grey areas or compinsate for external forces.

IE - I would act myself, live how I choose, dress how I want, et.al - if no one else cared.

Unfortunately people and society do care on what I do or say that is out of the 'norm'.

Therefore I am forced at best to diminish my outward expression.

At worst keeping it totally hidden until I'm at a level of safety or comfortability to express.

I'd rather be free to be totally myself.... just not there yet.

Luv Kat

[Guest Orva26]

Good point Kat. I did write the opening post in all of about two minutes. It was not my usual hyper long insanely thought out post, and in general this whole topic hasn't been one of those. Unfortunately for some reason I cannot think to clarify this grey area right now. I think I need a break from the braining.

-Orva

[Guest RadioheadRachael]

It's almost like my body, society and others lied to me and told me I was a guy. I believed them until the incongruities grew too obvious to ignore.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I went 'underground' early (about age 3 or 4) when my mom explained I was not like her, but like my father, and would grow up to be a man. She was wrong, but I couldn't go against my parents, could I? So I learned to playact like I was a boy.

61 years of it.

Makes me wanna cry!

Lizzy

[Cyndee]

I voted (acting) and enjoyed reading the responses.

We are all actors and actresses on this stage of life in one form or another. Learning new roles all the time. But this does not in it's self imply a lie, we just may have the wrong part in the play sometimes.

Cindy -

[Guest ChloëC]

Naw. Thought I might have been at one time. But I have begun to realize that I'm me, and this outward appearance just happens to be what is covering me. And I know it can be changed if I want it badly enough. Like where I live, where I work, who I am spending my life with.

I'm me inside and at this point, I don't think I would want to be anyone else. Too much life having been lived, I'm not about to give that up.

But if I did decide to change the outward appearance, I think not much of me would change because of the change itself. I'd still like certain things about life. What would happen is that I would respond to things in certain ways which would be different than today. Yet, I am a little different today than I was, oh, let's say 30 years ago, because other things have happened that I've responded to. Is 30 years ago a lie? Is today a lie? Nope, just me.

Let me give an example or two. I have a B.S. and an MBA. I got the BS ten years later than my HS classmates and my MBA 9 years after that. If I had stuck it out and gotten my BS in reasonable time, would I be where I am right now? Absolutely not. So is not getting my BS on time a lie or not? A resounding NO. I'm still me. Just a set of circumstances I've responded to.

Second, I'm married a second time. My now spouse really doesn't like me talking or going on too much about those earlier 6 years. I jokingly refer to them as my previous life. Are they lie? Is my now marriage a lie? Nope, neither. I'm still me. Just different circumstances that I've responded to have shaped how I have made my way through life.

Going through transitioning, obviously, would be a HUGE circumstance, for sure, but still just another one.

But that's me (isn't it?)

Hugs

Chloë

[Guest Jackie.]

I was taught and 'instructed' not to question any variance I experienced between my natal gender and my gender identity. Just focus upon the physical gender; this is the real lie. When children are taught such nonsense about how to understand themselves, the resulting confusion can lead to a life of much pain. In someways, I may have lived a lie, but only because I was somewhat marginalized by parents who feared gender issues.

Oh well, by the grace of Providence, I have learned to accept my gender identity and responsibly deal with these aspects of my life.

Jackie...

[Guest KellyKat]

Naw. Thought I might have been at one time. But I have begun to realize that I'm me, and this outward appearance just happens to be what is covering me. And I know it can be changed if I want it badly enough. Like where I live, where I work, who I am spending my life with.

I'm me inside and at this point, I don't think I would want to be anyone else. Too much life having been lived, I'm not about to give that up.

But if I did decide to change the outward appearance, I think not much of me would change because of the change itself. I'd still like certain things about life. What would happen is that I would respond to things in certain ways which would be different than today. Yet, I am a little different today than I was, oh, let's say 30 years ago, because other things have happened that I've responded to. Is 30 years ago a lie? Is today a lie? Nope, just me.

Let me give an example or two. I have a B.S. and an MBA. I got the BS ten years later than my HS classmates and my MBA 9 years after that. If I had stuck it out and gotten my BS in reasonable time, would I be where I am right now? Absolutely not. So is not getting my BS on time a lie or not? A resounding NO. I'm still me. Just a set of circumstances I've responded to.

Second, I'm married a second time. My now spouse really doesn't like me talking or going on too much about those earlier 6 years. I jokingly refer to them as my previous life. Are they lie? Is my now marriage a lie? Nope, neither. I'm still me. Just different circumstances that I've responded to have shaped how I have made my way through life.

Going through transitioning, obviously, would be a HUGE circumstance, for sure, but still just another one.

But that's me (isn't it?)

Hugs

Chloë

Hi Chloe

I believe your point of view very valid.

When one is truly in touch with oneself.

Any external expression is made to enhance the moment - not the self.

The self is already complete. There is no lie to live up to.

Luv Kat

[Guest N. Jane]

I didn't vote because neither answer fit my particular circumstance.

Up until transition/SRS (age 24) I didn't know who or what I was and just tried to live neutral. Very quickly after transition I found my new life fit like a comfy old slipper and was so easy! It left me with the feeling that I WAS a girl all along and just couldn't see it clearly. From what I heard from people in my home town later, it was obvious to everyone else.

[Guest Audrey Elizabeth]

Good question.

I voted yes, but only because I kept hidden how I felt inside. I never really pulled off the guy thing very well and I can't say that I really tried to either. It just made me sick to have to really try. But I was still careful not to show to much of the real me. I think the only thing I really tried to do was to reign in the feminine. I think I did ok for the most part, but still called on it more times than I can count.

Audrey

[Guest Deandra]

I couldn't vote on neither. My gender never really defined me, but that doesn't mean my life has been filled with happiness. Being male never really been joyous as much during my life. Just been me.

[Guest mary/jason]

i never had to live a lie to myself because this is how ive lived since i was about 11 or 12, i just didnt realize that it was me as a masculine boy and not a masculine girl. in the area of the south i grew up in, feminine roles werent forced, especially if there were no boys in your family and you needed someone to mow the lawn. now that im aware of my guyness yes, i am living a lie, but only because i am not out. as far as anyone knows im still jsut a girl in sweatshirts and flannel lol.

[Guest sleeping chrysalid]

Good question.

I voted yes, but only because I kept hidden how I felt inside. I never really pulled off the guy thing very well and I can't say that I really tried to either. It just made me sick to have to really try. But I was still careful not to show to much of the real me. I think the only thing I really tried to do was to reign in the feminine. I think I did ok for the most part, but still called on it more times than I can count.

Audrey

I was exactly the same. I tried to make myself seem like nothing. I avoided acting masculine because it seemed so wrong but I hid by refraining from showing my feminine side even when I really wanted to. There are things I never did that I wish I could have done. I didn't act like a guy and the most obvious example that has been pointed out to me numerous times is that I can not swear. When I want to make reference to something a boy said and I realize halfway that I am about to repeat a swear word that he used I just freeze and everyone just says "come out and say it Adam it's no big deal". It would be too tiring if I were to go as far as to act like a guy and it is bad enough just not acting like a girl. I have been living in hiding and so I voted yes but I didn't replace the traits I hid with different ones; I just acted like I was blank.